Your take on marriage/commitment

[risootser]

I find that commitment in modern society is a way to self destruction.

I suppose if there were 2 couples who are a good match between each other but bad in other ways it would make a sense to bond forever per se.

Then I have had a realization that if we had no need for actual pairing forced upon by a society I would be free socially. It is like no morals but the actual care towards each other.

So am I reaching for polygamy or serial monogamy? I have nothing against those two. Am I one with those preferences? I prefer not to label myself. It is more like what makes everyone comfortable not just myself in the moment. In the moment ethics seems to me the most sincere and uncomplicated. Why make it complicated? I'm sure Kant would not formulate my thoughts like this altough I also put a lot of faith in his imperative. Logical guidance paired with sincere ethics. Yes, if flimsy commitments creates plausible problems for you snd others then do not do it. There are great apes who seem to have a great life based on this freedom principle (bonobos) so why not humans.

 

[SusanLR]

I never had a desire to couple up.
And if you want to, why do you need a contract on a piece of paper to do so?
That usually leads to financial and other difficulties later on.

There are reasons for the titles in marriage.
Husband from husbandry is the care, cultivation and breeding of animals.

Bride, Bridal.
bridal/ bridle
Bridal is related to a bride, but bridle refers to a part of a horse's harness and what you do with it. Although the words sound the same, they run in different circles unless you're getting a horse ready for her wedding. ... As a verb, it can be used to mean restrain, as you would a horse in its bridle.

That's what marriage would feel like to me. Controlled and restrained.
Just not a romantic.
Nothing against those who are. Best of luck!

 

[Raggamuffin]

No marriage or kids for me. It's a deal breaker before entering any relationship. I find it best to be honest about aspects of my personality which would be offputting. Such as rarely socialising, having long term anxiety and depression etc. I think a lot of people try and portray their good side when dating - the display model as it were. I prefer a warts and all approach so they see the real me early on.

Over the years I've met a lot of people who assume my opinions around marriage and kids are wrong, and bound to change when I get older. For simplicities sake I smile and say that they won't.

Ed

 

[WoodWorkingJoel]

Id argue that lack of commitment is more destructive. People just don't take it seriously and jump into the wrong marriage. Im not saying everyone should couple up but there are brothers and sisters hooking up out there now without knowing because they have a father who has kids with multiple partners.
Fragmented families also tend to be financially and socially poorer from my experience. Kids need stability. Just my 2 cents.

 

[menander]

I would love it. But it could never be. I'm too complicated and attract other complicated people and we implode and I the one that gets hurt because I can't begin to process any of it because of autism. I finally learned!! I am glad I finally learned because everyone keeps saying, "Yeah but" Well, I say...."Yeah but NO"

 

[Aspychata]

I get the whole marriage thing but as a older female, l need to be married to use his health insurance. I will receive help in other ways. I am not financially well off. But l am getting married again and breathing a sigh of relief right now. As an aging female, l need security. Jobs that come my way are difficult at this age with zero health insurance.

 

[Jumpback]

I find that commitment in modern society is a way to self destruction.

I suppose if there were 2 couples who are a good match between each other but bad in other ways it would make a sense to bond forever per se.

Then I have had a realization that if we had no need for actual pairing forced upon by a society I would be free socially. It is like no morals but the actual care towards each other.

So am I reaching for polygamy or serial monogamy? I have nothing against those two. Am I one with those preferences? I prefer not to label myself. It is more like what makes everyone comfortable not just myself in the moment. In the moment ethics seems to me the most sincere and uncomplicated. Why make it complicated? I'm sure Kant would not formulate my thoughts like this altough I also put a lot of faith in his imperative. Logical guidance paired with sincere ethics. Yes, if flimsy commitments creates plausible problems for you snd others then do not do it. There are great apes who seem to have a great life based on this freedom principle (bonobos) so why not humans.

I definitely desire a wife and family, but sadly it seems like this is never going to happen. I didn’t discover the forum fast enough to save my last chance to have kids with a nice girl.

I don’t know how much what one grows up with matters, but there was no divorce within my closer relatives growing up and zero serious issues like abuse or cheating that I ever noticed. So I have potentially have an idolized view of such things

 

[Aspychata]

Being on the spectrum makes things super complicated. Then throw in old age and prior history. Who knows? The kid thing screws it up. I think it was fine until we had a child.

 

[risootser]

I definitely desire a wife and family, but sadly it seems like this is never going to happen. I didn’t discover the forum fast enough to save my last chance to have kids with a nice girl.

Sorry to hear that. I do not really look for wife and family because I could not trust my stable performance in work related issues. Economy is what it is so no family or wife for me given that I wanted to go that way. It seems quite repulsive in the end I must admit because stabilized routine and motions you have to go through.

 

[Jumpback]

Sorry to hear that. I do not really look for wife and family because I could not trust my stable performance in work related issues. Economy is what it is so no family or wife for me given that I wanted to go that way. It seems quite repulsive in the end I must admit because stabilized routine and motions you have to go through.

Since she has an MBA and I want to trade stocks from home, the idea was more that I stay at home with kids and trade. Friend of my friends is a stay at home dad since his wife is an attorney

One fight and she is gone, and it was just over stupid things related to her family and her dad was dying and so on. I could have fixed things if I had some perspective from learning things about me being autistic spectrum since we got along so well. It was just about things with her family during an emotional time and me missing something else she was saying because she is not blunt and thorough in explaining like I am and I just missed it.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to hear that. I do not really look for wife and family because I could not trust my stable performance in work related issues. Economy is what it is so no family or wife for me given that I wanted to go that way. It seems quite repulsive in the end I must admit because stabilized routine and motions you have to go through.

But the pluses
You do things together. Like go to the beach. Find your favorite place. Bounce important decisions off each other. In sickness, you have support. Share a lot. Discover new things. Relearn past things. The best is that you mature together. You don't need to marry to do this.

 

[Jumpback]

But the pluses
You do things together. Like go to the beach. Find your favorite place. Bounce important decisions off each other. In sickness, you have support. Share a lot. Discover new things. Relearn past things. The best is that you mature together. You don't need to marry to do this.

I think that for men on autism spectrum, is that is this issue with men more often initiating things. Plus, although women are more often judged on appearance, men are more often judged on status and money and power and confidence. Plus men are just more blunt and women are more social cue oriented

When I was into bodybuilding and worked at a college basketball court, this girl would come in and jog around the basketball court. Some other girl just finally told me that "she is attracted to you" because I just did not notice. I liked her too, her dad was my dads friend and so on. But I just did not know what to say to her, so I did nothing and before I could figure out what to do, she gave up and stopped showing up where I worked

Like a somewhat relatively attractive young woman can just show up on the beach or at a club and possibly some guy is going to come up with a line and be overly aggressive. I mean she is stuck with fighting him off, but at least it's clear what is going on, but the choice is like fight him off or start a nice conversation with him

Just saying. I am relatively attractive and muscular and was hardcore into bodybuilding, but the only thing that happened from this was lots of confusing signals from women that I did not understand and dealing with fighting off aggressive gay men, which I also misinterpreted, because I thought gay men were an oppressed minority who posed no threat to heterosexual men

Like, from my perspective, there really is thing that all this is just so Damon complicated, that I give up. I don't care about having a nice wife or girkfriend, because it's just too difficult to figure out how to make this happen

 

[PinkPenguin29]

I think different lifestyles work best for different humans. I found the only person I've ever known to fully understand me, being with him makes me happy, so I engaged in a life long commitment with him. However I know marriage is not for everyone, and if you know you don't want to get married then that is what is right for you. I know people can have short term relationships that are just as fulfilling as a long term relationship. I know people who can remain single their entire life and that is what makes them happy. Their are stigma's associated with every lifestyle and to heck with them! Much of those stigma's come from traditions that are outdated and weird. You do what you feel in your heart is best for you.

 

[Jumpback]

But the pluses
You do things together. Like go to the beach. Find your favorite place. Bounce important decisions off each other. In sickness, you have support. Share a lot. Discover new things. Relearn past things. The best is that you mature together. You don't need to marry to do this.

When men take women out of the equation, they can sometimes just drop all pretence, resulting in things getting so bad within the gay community that men just grab each other at clubs or send people they don't even know dick pics

(And this is not hate, this is written by a gay man on a gay site)

How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault

But the thing is, that as someone who was clueless bout social cues as a 19 year old, I would have almost preferred that women sexually assault me to show they were interested instead of the complicated hard to understand things that happened

Just kind of trying to explain why it's kind of easy for men to give up on having a nice wife or girlfriend if you have more difficulty with what one is supposed to notice or do than normal.

 

[risootser]

Plus, although women are more often judged on appearance, men are more often judged on status and money and power and confidence. Plus men are just more blunt and women are more social cue oriented

Yes, I do not know how to be "stable". My status will always be this. It is pretty freaky to think that I would be more socially successful if humans didn't care about wealth. I also care about what others care so I do not even initiate.

When I was into bodybuilding and worked at a college basketball court, this girl would come in and jog around the basketball court. Some other girl just finally told me that "she is attracted to you" because I just did not notice. I liked her too, her dad was my dads friend and so on. But I just did not know what to say to her, so I did nothing and before I could figure out what to do, she gave up and stopped showing up where I worked

Yeah. I know people who have shown interest but I think my ineptitude in "money maker" and "part taker" business is diminished in terms of being both at the same time so I just shyly ignore. Really, I don't want some clingy random housewife either because I just love more flexible way of life.

Well this is what you get when you study science instead of engineering but this is the way I roll.

 

[Jumpback]

Yes, I do not know how to be "stable". My status will always be this. It is pretty freaky to think that I would be more socially successful if humans didn't care about wealth. I also care about what others care so I do not even initiate.

Yeah. I know people who have shown interest but I think my ineptitude in "money maker" and "part taker" business is diminished in terms of being both at the same time so I just shyly ignore. Really, I don't want some clingy random housewife either because I just love more flexible way of life.

My ex-girlfriend was also the best friend I have ever had. I almost always enjoyed being around her. It’s different when it’s like that, when things aren’t forced.

But it seems with men who are more like me it’s impossible to get through all the social barriers to find someone like this, and then when I was lucky enough to find a great match, stupid difficult to comprehend barriers screwed it up

I mean it’s just silly that she’s gone, I mean, this was the first fight in over 3 years which actually involved us being angry at each other, and the reasons behind it were related to her family accusing me of things and my history of sexual assault and the resulting victim blaming making me overly sensitive to this. it wasn’t even like a real fight with us disliking each other.

I mean it’s like how the hell hard does it have to be to find a compatible girlfriend or wife?

 

[AprilR]

I can't imagine myself married or with a child. I can barely take care of myself.

 

[risootser]

From what I gather it is just hard to find well adjusted lifestyle if it involves others. I might have been too hasty about this. I still remember this one girl who I was friends with. It was because we kind of were like OK with each other. It was easy. Then others at school picked this up and we pretty much ended it there. Both experienced bullying pressure and it would result in social alienation. It was understandable and it resulted me getting more temporary friends and she got also more. In a way this sort of pressure is not acceptable. Later I found that one of my new closest friend was gay. Lol. Nothing against gays but you know... Made me bit jumpy about myself. Never been interested in hierarchy.

BTW. This forum seems sensible place to talk about social difficulties or occurences. I have been in other places where even having a friend once in life was the biggest no no.

 

[Mia]

This forum seems sensible place to talk about social difficulties or occurences.

I did read some studies over the years, that found that children who grew up in families with both parents in happy long term relationships, their children tended toward being married. It depended on what they experienced and saw of relationships as children and as adults.

If for example there were lots of divorces and separations in extended family, children tended toward thinking that was usual. If no one they knew was divorced, and/or remarried several times then neither were they. But children raised by single or divorced parents, as a rule didn't marry as much.

Thinking in terms of my own biological family, I'm the only one who has remained married for many years. My other siblings, have divorced several times, or never married.

Marriage has taught me many things about compromise, about emotional growth, about what it is to be an adult. It's taught me to not make rash decisions, to not give up, to maintain a certain strength of character in the face of difficulties. In other words it's strengthened my character for the better. It's made me able to give and to understand other people. It's made me much less selfish, than others I know. There is something to be said for being with the same person, over the long term. You get to know them well, and there is a certain comfort in that. Yet it's not for everyone, many people are happier on their own.

 

[Jumpback]

I did read some studies over the years, that found that children who grew up in families with both parents in happy long term relationships, whose children tended toward the desire to get married. It depended on what they experienced and saw of relationships as children and as adults.

If for example there were lots of divorces and separations in extended family, children tended toward thinking that was usual. If no one they knew was divorced, and/or remarried several times then neither were they. But children raised by single or divorced parents, as a rule didn't marry as much.

I grew up with zero divorce among my extended family, probably no cheating (though who knows), and only two instances of domestic issues I knew of were very minor cases of the wives being verbally abusive to the husbands. I can’t think of a single time when my parents yelled at each other.

So I take this as what normal is. Like I feel like I tend to think in terms of categories, like ‘relationships are supposed to be like this’. I feel like this sort of idea about what is normal and not normal is like is confusing for everyone, but maybe especially so for people who tend more towards the autistic spectrum