"You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

[SusanLR]

I guess I just assume that people will ask me whatever they might want to know about me and on the occasions where I do want to spontaneously share about myself, I often can't think of words to do .....or I just can't think of them fast enough -- if I can think of a few, or a starting phrase, and I say it, usually what happens is people try to finish what I'm saying for me (and get it very wrong) or completely misunderstand and say something I perceive as a non-sequiter....so I just keep those few words/starting phrases to myself most of the time.

This happens to me all the time and it can be quite annoying.
I start to talk about something and they interrupt and finish it in their words like they know what I am going to say and they don't. Then I just feel Ugh, and have to say No, that isn't what I was saying and explain myself.

Is this rude or how most NTs relate in conversation?
Or do they feel I am not verbalising fast enough or do they want to show they are somehow superior in thinking they know what I am about to say and want to say it first?
When I do speak fast it's usually about something I am very interested in and they usually aren't.

 

[the_tortoise]

Is this rude or how most NTs relate in conversation?
Or do they feel I am not verbalising fast enough or do they want to show they are somehow superior in thinking they know what I am about to say and want to say it first?
When I do speak fast it's usually about something I am very interested in and they usually aren't.

Indeed, I find it can be extremely annoying.

I think it is sometimes a relating-to-each-other thing....I had someone explain in one instance that they had misunderstood what was happening inside my head and that they were trying to show understanding and to be helpful.

I have always thought that it is mostly just impatience and assumptions....that people assume they know what I'm going to say, and they do not have the patience to wait for me to say it myself.

Your suggestion about them wanting to say something first seems plausible, too.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

People are always telling me this. Due to being manipulated a lot as a child, i perfer to know almost everything about the people around me, while they know virtuallly nothing about myself. I guess i just see it as a safer way to communicate,so i don't embarrass myself in front of people i don't know very well.

 

[Pondering]

Getting to know a complex person is like uploading an advanced computer to another computer, or more literally, uploading a mind to another mind. It's difficult. Really difficult. Because you only have actions and countless conversations (words) to accurately convey who you are.

If people in your family and the people judge you for what they do understand, you won't open up and they're not worth your time for shutting you down. If they can't understand, it's not necessarily their fault. But you have to realize that some people cannot stomach extremely bizarre personalities. Often times, only one person, the person closest to you - be it a best friend, close family member, spouse, etc who will know you and understand you to such a deep and profound level. If you don't have that person, it might get really lonely and emotionally painful at times. So sometimes we have to settle for the people who are there for us, who genuinely want to get to know us, and try to get to know us, even if its not at our ideal level. And some people may seem superficial, but aren't, because they've gone their whole lives showing parts of themselves that are acceptable to be shown. They're used to people, including family, not knowing them in the truest sense of the word. You can't say someone is superficial just because they seem a certain way.

And some people are naturally extremely hard to get to know. Especially people who value their privacy. Its not because they're hiding secrets, they're just very complex, and can't help it. Or they haven't figured out who they are. How can you get to know someone who doesn't even know himself/herself? So you have to take it slowly. Wait for the moments where you can talk one-on-one. Also, a lot of getting to know a person is to make it apparent based on your actions. You can say who you are all day long, but until what you say becomes apparent through some of your actions, it doesn't matter- people have to see who you are; people are visual creatures. You might be thinking 'that's ridiculous; how do you show a person who you are?'. Telling good jokes says that you have a sense of humor. Insightful comments say you are insightful (instead of you saying: 'I am insightful'. It's too blunt, and any idiot can say that). Asking seemingly irrelevant questions about people mean a lot and are helpful to getting to know other people. So, if they're not asking you questions and/or not observing who you are, do they really want to get to know you? It would be questionable. And it's not just other people. It could be you. It's easy to point the finger. But, the real question is this: are you asking questions to get to know them better? Asking personal questions - according to how well you know them and how well they know you - will encourage the reciprocation of effort in connecting. In other words, asking them questions about them makes them want to ask questions about you. Although some individuals don't seem to grasp that concept.

And I think, as aspies, we tend to miss how much NTs see, because they don't always openly acknowledge what they see. It's also sometimes hard to find someone we will connect with, and it's hard because not everyone thinks or communicates the same way. We shouldn't info-dump everyone we meet with who we are. But little things here and there can make us easier to get to know.

 

[Mr Allen]

Nope, on the contrary I've been told I'm too open and tell people too much about myself, like a few years ago I did a thread on Sheffield Forum announcing to the world that I'm Aspie, and some people used it against me with insults the Mods wouldn't thank me for repeating.

 

[Jersey]

I used to keep quiet most of the time, not say much, and yeah I've had people say they didn't know much about me, but they didn't ask either. So I started talking more, if people thought I was saying too much about me personally it's news to me. Although I think most people think if you don't say much of anything, you're hiding something, creepy. In other words if you don't at least do some small talk while they're saying stuff about them, it creeps people out, and feels waaay unbalanced in your favor.