"You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

[Marcus]

Anyone else ever hear this?

I had a deep conversation with a close family member about the possible reasons as to why it's hard for me to make friendships, let alone keep them.

One of the main things I was told is exactly what the title says "You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

Whenever I find a potential friend, I'm very hesitant to tell them more about myself than my name and a few answers to questions they might ask.

I don't want to tell them too much, not only because of the flood of information, but I don't want to immediately drive them off either.

I've learned not to bring any interests up anymore unless asked because I can go on for days about my special interests and keep the conversation one sided to the point to where they'll think I don't care about them.

But, since I don't give out a ton of information, I seem to lose those opportunities for friendship quicker and more often than usual.

It seems like if I give out a ton of information and we click on some subjects, that could either turn into a friendship, or just be a temporary talk, and if I don't give out that much information, they either think I'm hiding something or I'm "creepy."

I don't really know what to do, I mean, I ask them about their interests and things just to find out more about them and usually they'll say "I'm not comfortable enough with you to talk about that" so in my eyes, that destroys the opportunity for friendship right there, apparently I'm not the only one that does this, but I still think I'm the worst at it.

 

[Streetwise]

Anyone else ever hear this?

I had a deep conversation with a close family member about the possible reasons as to why it's hard for me to make friendships, let alone keep them.

One of the main things I was told is exactly what the title says "You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

Whenever I find a potential friend, I'm very hesitant to tell them more about myself than my name and a few answers to questions they might ask.

I don't want to tell them too much, not only because of the flood of information, but I don't want to immediately drive them off either.

I've learned not to bring any interests up anymore unless asked because I can go on for days about my special interests and keep the conversation one sided to the point to where they'll think I don't care about them.

But, since I don't give out a ton of information, I seem to lose those opportunities for friendship quicker and more often than usual.

It seems like if I give out a ton of information and we click on some subjects, that could either turn into a friendship, or just be a temporary talk, and if I don't give out that much information, they either think I'm hiding something or I'm "creepy."

I don't really know what to do, I mean, I ask them about their interests and things just to find out more about them and usually they'll say "I'm not comfortable enough with you to talk about that" so in my eyes, that destroys the opportunity for friendship right there, apparently I'm not the only one that does this, but I still think I'm the worst at it.

People want to talk about them self

 

[vangelis]

I can relate to this somewhat. I don't feel very comfortable sharing a lot of information in a short space of time so tend to drip feed stuff out gradually. I have less problem writing stuff down like on here for example. Most friends I have had over the years [not that there have been many] I think persevere with me because they find me strange and a bit of a challenge. I often find them strange and challenging too but for different reasons. Personally I don't really crave friendships - for me they tend to lead to complications I find difficult to deal with because fundamentally I don't connect with people that well.

 

[Alaska]

Anyone else ever hear this?

I had a deep conversation with a close family member about the possible reasons as to why it's hard for me to make friendships, let alone keep them.

One of the main things I was told is exactly what the title says "You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

Whenever I find a potential friend, I'm very hesitant to tell them more about myself than my name and a few answers to questions they might ask.

I don't want to tell them too much, not only because of the flood of information, but I don't want to immediately drive them off either.

I've learned not to bring any interests up anymore unless asked because I can go on for days about my special interests and keep the conversation one sided to the point to where they'll think I don't care about them.

But, since I don't give out a ton of information, I seem to lose those opportunities for friendship quicker and more often than usual.

It seems like if I give out a ton of information and we click on some subjects, that could either turn into a friendship, or just be a temporary talk, and if I don't give out that much information, they either think I'm hiding something or I'm "creepy."

I don't really know what to do, I mean, I ask them about their interests and things just to find out more about them and usually they'll say "I'm not comfortable enough with you to talk about that" so in my eyes, that destroys the opportunity for friendship right there, apparently I'm not the only one that does this, but I still think I'm the worst at it.

I believe you may be doing some all or nothing thinking and your problem is solvable by picking what kinds of information you want to share at different levels of acquaintance and friendship.

This something that a lot of NTs do automatically. It is not a hostile act for someone to tell you that they are uncomfortable talking with you about something when they do not know you very well.

We Aspies tend to look at a rather Gray world as black and white. It is a lot harder for us to make finer distinctions, but a lot of us are able to do it.

This process of sorting people we know and how much we are willing to share with individuals is called levels of intimacy. There are other names for it, but that is the one that popped into my mind just now. I believe gatekeeping may be another name for this process.

Everyone will have their own unique set of types of information they share at different levels of intimacy. An example is acquaintances. This is a lower level of intimacy. For NTs, an acquaintance is someone you do not know very well. You say hello and talk about general topics with them, like the weather. You may non-intimate activities with them like going to a public meeting or a free concert in the park. You will not bring up personal information or problems with them, and will expect the same from them.

There can be even different levels among acquaintances, but such fine distinctions might be imperceptible to many Aspies.

Friendship levels may be more understandable to more Aspies, from sports and hobby buddies only, up through bosom buddies that one is the closest to.

 

[Adora]

Friendships have been a difficulty for me aswell,I don't open up to many people and also I notice that if people talk about stuff that I don't have interest in it's hard for me to talk or I will stay silent,sometimes someone will come up to me and talk about a topic of interest like for example my dolls but that rarely happens and I also have the issue if I do talk about a my interests I can get carried away with it so these days I try to not talk too much about them,I also don't like people knowing too much about me since I have also had people use my vulnerabilities against me in the past but friendships in general is something I haven't really had in years,besides my husband I consider animals better friends than most people.

 

[InfinityRose]

Anyone else ever hear this?

I had a deep conversation with a close family member about the possible reasons as to why it's hard for me to make friendships, let alone keep them.

One of the main things I was told is exactly what the title says "You don't tell people enough about yourself for them to truly get to know you."

Whenever I find a potential friend, I'm very hesitant to tell them more about myself than my name and a few answers to questions they might ask.

I don't want to tell them too much, not only because of the flood of information, but I don't want to immediately drive them off either.

I've learned not to bring any interests up anymore unless asked because I can go on for days about my special interests and keep the conversation one sided to the point to where they'll think I don't care about them.

But, since I don't give out a ton of information, I seem to lose those opportunities for friendship quicker and more often than usual.

It seems like if I give out a ton of information and we click on some subjects, that could either turn into a friendship, or just be a temporary talk, and if I don't give out that much information, they either think I'm hiding something or I'm "creepy."

I don't really know what to do, I mean, I ask them about their interests and things just to find out more about them and usually they'll say "I'm not comfortable enough with you to talk about that" so in my eyes, that destroys the opportunity for friendship right there, apparently I'm not the only one that does this, but I still think I'm the worst at it.

Wow, you sound so much like me, it's almost creepy. I have been told that I can't make friends because I'm "too quiet" or because "I don't put myself out there enough" so many times I've lost count. For me, I tend to share nothing or I overshare, then immediately feel super embarrassed about it afterwards. I too find it difficult and boring to have conversations that don't revolve around my obsessions, but then again I'm afraid to talk about my obsessions most of the time except online, both out of fear of coming off as annoying or weird, and also because it feels very personal, in a strange way. That is why I enjoy having online friendships, because it's so much easier to relax and just be myself than it is in person. I would like to eventually get one or two really close IRL friends, but that might prove to be a bit of a challenge...

 

[SusanLR]

Same here. I feel much more comfortable with online talks. In real life the acquaintances are the people I interact with in just everyday life experience and I find no reason to feel close to them or tell them much about myself.
I don't feel comfortable when I do find someone I am attracted to because I always have mistrust and afraid if they know my "issues" they will be turned off and turn away. So in general I just don't take an interest enough to put out the energy to play the get to know you games.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Scared of participating in the gossip train....

What you say to one person is told to everyone.

I dont really like the implications of that.

I keep what other people say to me private, i also keep my own counsel.

I do not expect them to keep what i say to them as private. (Occasionally forget)

Therefore i can seem guarded and this creates a distance.

But yes,just like the OP. But I will not ask people for their advice on this stuff. Never works.

 

[xudo]

I can relate to a point. I don't share too much with new people, because I've known people who were supposedly friends who I told all about myself, and they used it against me or talked behind my back to others. I've become far more wary of oversharing or even sharing full stop.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I can relate to a point. I don't share too much with new people, because I've known people who were supposedly friends who I told all about myself, and they used it against me or talked behind my back to others. I've become far more wary of oversharing or even sharing full stop.

A call back to your previous post :

Does the resting b**ch face come in handy?

 

[Gracey]

Ask me a specific question and it's likely you'll get a specific answer. Infer or hint at something and it will be lost on me.
If someone wishes to reveal intimate personal details about themselves to me I'll do my best to listen (they've honoured me with their trust) it's unlikely I'll reciprocate as a bonding exercise. It's my choice and I might not trust them ?

 

[xudo]

A call back to your previous post :

Does the resting b**ch face come in handy?

Soooo much

 

[Jet Weiss]

I don't trust many people and have issues opening up, not so much online but definitely so IRL. I'm not particularly likely to meet a new person and tell them the ins and outs of my life story.
My boyfriend knows more about me than most and his friends are gradually learning about me, though I didn't go into the relationship as an open book.
As others have said previously, I have had too many people who knew everything about me either use it against me or gossip about it to other people, I am now very selective about who I tell personal stories to and how much information I choose to share. In the past I think I overshared and some people saw it as an opportunity to blackmail me or spread rumours.

 

[Datura]

The problem I have is that when I share my life with people they react incredulously.

"So, what do you do for fun?"
"I'm into gaming."
"Sooo... you just sit around playing video games all day? That sounds boring."
"Actually, I am mostly interested in tabletop gaming. I find it is a wonderful social catalyst."
"Oh ... So do you have a boyfriend."
"No."
"Well you should get out more! Go to a bar, meet somebody!"
"I'm not interested in intimate relationships."
"Nah! Everybody is interested man!"
"I'm not."
*end of conversation*

Granted, that excerpt dates back a couple of years, from before I met my girlfriend. The point being that I often can't express myself without coming across as odd. Perhaps that is why I surround myself with other social outcasts. If they don't get me they at least accept that not everybody wants or perceives in the same way.

 

[Judge]

When I see such subjects I can only think of me chasing someone yelling, "Come back! I was just kidding!"

Hellno. You have to be cautious about what you tell and to whom. Otherwise anticipate a little or a lot of grief.

 

[WildCat]

Fortunately and unfortunately, I don't. It's funny how people skim over the insignificant stuff, but when it's something socially relevant they'll be sure to keep it in the back of their mind. You know, just in case it comes in handy

For me, I hold on to that insignificant stuff (along with a mental snapshot), but as I've learned that's irrelevant and not what people want to hear, so most conversations I have with unfamiliar people tend to run short.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Fortunately and unfortunately, I don't. It's funny how people skim over the insignificant stuff, but when it's something socially relevant they'll be sure to keep it in the back of their mind. You know, just in case it comes in handy

For me, I hold on to that insignificant stuff (along with a mental snapshot), but as I've learned that's irrelevant and not what people want to hear, so most conversations I have with unfamiliar people tend to run short.

My small talk version - ' How you doing? Hows the kids?' (Good start)

'What were their names again? Dumpy and lumpy?' (Less good)

I do try to remember things about people and bring it up.

The danger is : it's like going to france and speaking a little bit of French. Initially people may think you're french and give you a lot more of it.

So in this case : sit back for more stories about dumpy and lumpy

 

[SusanLR]

I don't do small talk. If I do meet someone with same interests and likes deep philosophical topics, that's fine.

I remember in my late teens going with my parents to reunions, socials, and such. in Missouri and I never knew what to say or how to start a conversation. All around I heard talking of someone having a baby, getting an operation, getting married, how to make a cake, etc. Boring everyday stuff they seemed to thrive on.
Sometimes someone would see me sitting alone and come over and start asking questions.
Things like: Do you have a boyfriend? NO.
Why not? Don't you want to get married? NO.
Don't you want children and grandchildren? NO.
Don't you get lonely? NO.
Do you like cooking and baking? NO.
Then they would go to Mom and ask, "Is she just very shy or is there something wrong with her?"

So that's how I stayed out of the country small talk,
Ya' No?

 

[AdultAspie69]

I can relate to a point. I don't share too much with new people, because I've known people who were supposedly friends who I told all about myself, and they used it against me or talked behind my back to others. I've become far more wary of oversharing or even sharing full stop.

I very much agree with this. I prefer to just have aquaintences. Not sure what the distiction is between friends and aquaintences. Not cofortable enough sharing anything personal with anyone. Don't really talk about my interests too much because people usually don't understand it.

 

[the_tortoise]

I heard something sort of similar once from a good friend who said, in a just-realizing-it voice, "I don't really know that much about you" and it surprised and confused me. I don't think I said anything, because of how difficult it was to process the whole situation (perspective-taking) but in retrospect the only thing I could have said would have been, "What do you want to know?" I wasn't hiding anything, and was happy for this person to know everything about me.

I guess I just assume that people will ask me whatever they might want to know about me and on the occasions where I do want to spontaneously share about myself, I often can't think of words to do .....or I just can't think of them fast enough -- if I can think of a few, or a starting phrase, and I say it, usually what happens is people try to finish what I'm saying for me (and get it very wrong) or completely misunderstand and say something I perceive as a non-sequiter....so I just keep those few words/starting phrases to myself most of the time.