Yelling, seeing anger in eyes, frightened

[GadAbout]

Hmm. There is screaming and yelling at my job on a regular basis. Sometimes it's a coworker or supervisor. I don't internalize it if I can help it but I usually don't react to it which also frustrates people.

It takes a lot to get me in the state to yell back at someone. At work, the MGMT expects you to stick up for yourself before going to them for back up. They don't want to stick up for ppl who don't defend themselves.

What kind of workplace is that - I mean, what industry?

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

What kind of workplace is that - I mean, what industry?

Should have clarified, I work at a DMV office in a rough area in the northeast US.

 

[Juliettaa]

Should have clarified, I work at a DMV office in a rough area in the northeast US.

That doesn't justify your colleagues screaming and yelling

Ultimately, the DMV are providing a customer service and whilst the customer may resort to shouting and venting their frustration, the staff shouldn't stoop to that kind of behaviour, rough area or not.

I imagine working in that environment would cause a lot of stress, unnecessary stress in some respects. I know in that kind of workplace, I'd be in a constant state of 'fight or flight'. Not good

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

That doesn't justify your colleagues screaming and yelling

Ultimately, the DMV are providing a customer service and whilst the customer may resort to shouting and venting their frustration, the staff shouldn't stoop to that kind of behaviour, rough area or not.

I imagine working in that environment would cause a lot of stress, unnecessary stress in some respects. I know in that kind of workplace, I'd be in a constant state of 'fight or flight'. Not good

It's stressful. I try to be a team player and support everyone. I don't expect my workplace to be ideal. The world won't change for me so I have to adjust. Also i speak slowly and that seems to relax some ppl. Otherwise if I am completely flustered I ask supervisors for help. I can't work here forever though. Am waiting on my official diagnosis and maybe that will help me find a different job environment.

 

[Schism]

Hi. I don't know anything about you, other than reading the odd post here & there but I just wanted to say that kind of bullish (bullying) behaviour is out of order in any circumstance. How you reacted is pretty much exactly what I would have done. Rabbit in headlights mode, brain freeze. .You siding up to a big guy for 'protection' was survival instinct kicking in even though in shock. As for the going home & having a PTSD reaction, that's once you've escaped the situation/threat & had time to process the event. Me, I'd have a few drinks to calm down & then the thoughts & endless analysis would kick in..why, how, what for, what did I do etc. Then the annoyance about why I didn't stick up for myself, speak better etc.

You did handle it very well. Not reacting is probably the best thing to do sometimes, when in the moment anyway as the bully gets no satisfaction. However, berating yourself afterwards is self defeating. As others have said, as it was in your workplace, there are discrete steps you can take to prevent this happening again (if you want to). How successful is questionable but at least it would be on record. I hope it doesn't happen again but if it does, you'll be in a stronger position. Meanwhile, be proud that outwardly, you had the moral high ground by not reacting. Privately, lose the anxiety & congratulate yourself for not lowering yourself to their level. Easy to say, hard to do, I know.

 

[GadAbout]

That doesn't justify your colleagues screaming and yelling

True, but I was imagining a situation where yelling might be necessary - like deck hands on a fishing boat in high seas.

I don't think there's any need for it in an office environment, and especially not one where the public is being served.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

True, but I was imagining a situation where yelling might be necessary - like deck hands on a fishing boat in high seas.

I don't think there's any need for it in an office environment, and especially not one where the public is being served.

It's supposed to be an office environment but the general public is the general public. They're not at work. They're frustrated and endure hours waiting to talk to someone. We are always understaffed. When they are called they expect us to answer for their life frustrations. I'm not saying it's right. This is just how it is.

 

[Aspychata]

I obviously would not survive the DMV office, lol. Kudos to you @mummifiedcircuitry. You make my job look like a walk in the park. But l prefer jobs where the desk seperates you, which l don't have currently.

At my old retail job, l put up with a lot of verbal abuse. And l left. People don't respect retail workers but older retail workers are the trend due to many retirees working past 67.

Guess l am confused, because to some extent,management does expect you to deal with it. l am a Past battered woman, so once in awhile l fall into victim mentality think mode then l run to this site to get my superhero persona back. Stuff happens, and l need my super hero cape.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

I obviously would not survive the DMV office, lol. Kudos to you @mummifiedcircuitry. You make my job look like a walk in the park. But l prefer jobs where the desk seperates you, which l don't have currently.

At my old retail job, l put up with a lot of verbal abuse. And l left. People don't respect retail workers but older retail workers are the trend due to many retirees working past 67.

Guess l am confused, because to some extent,management does expect you to deal with it. l am a Past battered woman, so once in awhile l fall into victim mentality think mode then l run to this site to get my superhero persona back. Stuff happens, and l need my super hero cape.

You are a hero to me @Aspychata

Like many here have mentioned, you hopefully will find help from your employer. I can relate a bit to freezing up when someone seems unhinged and yells at me. When I was younger it affected me more. The past few months I feel less and less worried when ppl are emotional and I think that also frustrates ppl. Maybe it's time to take some self defense classes as a means to handle heightened emotional stress.

 

[lateundiagnosed]

could you be dealing with a "narcissist" ?,read about them a lot. can't win only leave.

 

[paloftoon]

In your e-mail, you can state specifically that you don't feel comfortable with close physical proximity due to his yelling. I'm not sure I understand the context fully like if he had a reason to be yelling or if he has some kind of disability that makes him yell at random people that look vulnerable, and/or if he is just a bully.

If you are working in a job that might lend/constitute itself to having to deal with these situations as part of your job, then I'd try to consider a job change asap if possible if you are not able to find a way to work with this. Of course, making money and supporting yourself is very important too.

Contacting HR can be hit or miss. Best thing to do is think of what they can do in their position. Maybe, like other people said, just simply starting a paper trail is good. If there are multiple occurrences or if HR receives documentation numerous times, then you can make it more of an issue in-person or over the phone afterward because this person with the potential to threaten your personal space could be negatively affecting the work of you and/or other employees hence affecting the business profitability. Anything you can do to support arguments where it could (potentially) help maximize business profit will only help you.

 

[Aspychata]

could you be dealing with a "narcissist" ?,read about them a lot. can't win only leave.

Think he is just a bully. But thanks to posters, l am ready to deal with it. Something l couldn't do a year ago. Wouldn't even have been able to break it down and understand my reactions. So this site is a excellent support. So thankful that people took time to respond and understood and explained how and why l reacted. But l was surprised that l was frightened and felt threatened. l need to understand and work harder on that. l reacted when l saw the anger in his eyes, when l wouldn't come near him.

 

[paloftoon]

Your initial reaction is okay. Now, you will be ready to react differently in a way where you're standing up for yourself, but keeping it professional and keeping the bully in check too.

Avoid sarcasm and just be direct and as clear and concise as possible.
Repeat your words as calmly as possible if you must such as if you need him to keep a distance from you because his yelling irritates you. Direct him to go to another room to calm down. If the situation seems to intense to play it off like that, try to call for other supportive staff just to be around to witness the behavior. Whether the witness actually is helpful or not doesn't even matter. Just document that
so-and-so acted that way and that you tried to get a co-worker to help stabilize the situation, for instance.

 

[Streetwise]

Think he is just a bully. But thanks to posters, l am ready to deal with it. Something l couldn't do a year ago. Wouldn't even have been able to break it down and understand my reactions. So this site is a excellent support. So thankful that people took time to respond and understood and explained how and why l reacted. But l was surprised that l was frightened and felt threatened. l need to understand and work harder on that. l reacted when l saw the anger in his eyes, when l wouldn't come near him.

you need to think about why you are so stressed ,are you ?blocking out the fact that you need to change what you are doing ,I saw my mother pay for the fact that she wouldn’t stop working ,don’t bring yourself to Complete paralysis.

 

[TheSaltyStray]

I guess this is where I am lacking emotional depth or even maturity I guess. If someone pushes you to be reactive, knowingly and deliberately, how can they be surprised at a human response? I am not excusing this said offenders behavior nor saying anything was done to deliberately cause Aspy's situation either. I am just wondering where the line is drawn when it comes to other situations (like mine) where the other person is responsible for precipitating said scenario and they are responsible for their part of the equation of the outcome. A human, neurotypical or not, can only handle so much. Especially when threats and false accusations are thrown at them.

 

[Juliettaa]

l am a Past battered woman, so once in awhile l fall into victim mentality think mode then l run to this site to get my superhero persona back.

@Aspychata - have you ever tried EMDR?


EMDR Therapy for Anxiety, Panic, PTSD and Trauma

I can personally vouch for the fact that it works.

 

[Aspychata]

Today l was in a very stressful situtation at my bank because l feel disrespected there. So l went to retail, and a very nice Russian lady was talking to me, and all l could do was smile and say l don't work there. If my morning was normal, l would have been more helpful, but my energy was spent from the bank. But l survived my day and was polite.

 

[Running Girl]

Where i work (Im a nurse in residential facility for severly developmentally disabled people) they always expect the employeee to deal with resident's behavior and suck it up. I have a patient who physically attacks me and other nurses. We have to take a nurse's aid with us when giving meds, to hold his hands or otherwise distract him. He punched me once. I was told i had to learn how to deal with him. But thats my workplace. not yours. All the comments would be spot on if he was not a resident. If your work place is at all like mine, you may not get much support. I guess they figure im paid to deal with abuse. Nobody is paid enough to deal with abuse, but that's the way it is for me, where i work.

 

[DavidH]

In your e-mail, you can state specifically that you don't feel comfortable with close physical proximity due to his yelling.

Let's address this for a moment. Unless you have a job like Running Girl where physical contact is going to happen for the most part office environments in the US should not involve physical contact or even physical proximity.

I've been browsing various topics here and thinking about past conversations with one of my autistic employees, who I have been having regular conversations with the past two years, and it may be easy for some of you to think "Is this weird? Am I weird?"

As someone who is I guess what is called "NT" here I avoid physical contact. I'm fine with handshakes, I'm not worried about germs or anything like that. I'm actually fine with it if I know the person well enough. I hug friends, men or women, I'm affectionate with my wife and kids. It's not a mental or emotional issue, but in general I don't like casual physical contact with people who I don't feel emotionally close to. As a guy this is generally not an issue but I often see women have to put up with it and it is aggravating.

Throw sensory issues into the mix and it's just downright unfair. There is nothing wrong with expecting your personal space to be respected.

Seriously. There is nothing wrong with expecting your personal space to be respected.

Even if there is no physical contact, being in your "bubble" can be seen as intimidation, which I mentioned earlier. It is ok to establish some distance, it is not rude. Likewise, it is ok to let it be known that you don't appreciate physical contact. Someone tries to give you a hug or touches you unsolicited on the arm it is fine to be firm and say "Please don't do that" or something similar. You can drop the "please" if they are insistent. "I don't feel comfortable being touched" or "I am uncomfortable with you standing so close to me" Once you make it known, the blame lies solely on them if they keep doing it.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

Seriously. There is nothing wrong with expecting your personal space to be respected.

Even if there is no physical contact, being in your "bubble" can be seen as intimidation, which I mentioned earlier. It is ok to establish some distance, it is not rude. Likewise, it is ok to let it be known that you don't appreciate physical contact. Someone tries to give you a hug or touches you unsolicited on the arm it is fine to be firm and say "Please don't do that" or something similar. You can drop the "please" if they are insistent. "I don't feel comfortable being touched" or "I am uncomfortable with you standing so close to me" Once you make it known, the blame lies solely on them if they keep doing it.

Point well taken. I was focusing on the specific situation, where it seemed like physical space was not an issue currently, but it became a potential concern because of the prior interaction(s). Rather than address it only in-person in this case, the OP can put it in writing beforehand and make it crystal clear with backup. Things like this are better in writing spelled out directly and not just verbally only.