Yelling, seeing anger in eyes, frightened

[Aspychata]

This morning l woke up and replayed the emotional track list that l went thru last night at work.

The person was across from me. l was told to get some info from him. He started yelling at me, visibly angry. Told me once, yelled at me twice to stand by him. When he started yelling, l stood right up on this bigger guy next to me like for protection. I felt very threatened because l didn't want to stand next to him.

Only this morning, l am wondering why l responded so strongly. But my reptilian brain when into protective lockdown mode, and there was absolutely no way l would be near him.

How should l handle this, because l don't have any serious complaint. It's the first time he yelled at me, l was able to get the info not standing next to him. l remained polite at all times, and only ate my frustration out last nite when home. Yes, my issue is trauma from abusive marriage. I am a petite female and l think about my personal safety at all times.

 

[DavidH]

Your story seems bizarre to me.

First of all, if this is just information gathering I don't understand the physical proximity issue. Granted, I don't have all the facts but this sounds like physical intimidation. I am in a senior management role and because of that I maintain a hyper-awareness of where I sit/stand in relation to subordinates. There are things I can do without thinking about it that will heighten the superior/subordinate relationship and when I am soliciting feedback that is a bad thing. For example, when I want a more open conversation I do not take a meeting in my office with them sitting across from me at my desk. Body posture and positioning is a communication device and I don't like what his is suggesting.

Second, while voices can be raised sometimes and confrontation happens, it is not ok for a team member to yell at another one. It does not foster teamwork, efficiency, or productivity and is a morale killer. I don't know if this person is a superior or peer, but either way what they are doing is creating a negative workspace that is not helping the company and its team members be successful. As someone with deep seated anger issues I understand the impulse but I still control it because yelling at subordinates is not going to improve morale. I have yelled at peers but usually because of how they treated team members.

This behavior does not sound acceptable and if it repeats you should consider talking to either your manager or if they don't support you this could turn into an HR matter.

 

[TheSaltyStray]

This morning l woke up and replayed the emotional track list that l went thru last night at work.

The person was across from me. l was told to get some info from him. He started yelling at me, visibly angry. Told me once, yelled at me twice to stand by him. When he started yelling, l stood right up on this bigger guy next to me like for protection. I felt very threatened because l didn't want to stand next to him.

Only this morning, l am wondering why l responded so strongly. But my reptilian brain when into protective lockdown mode, and there was absolutely no way l would be near him.

How should l handle this, because l don't have any serious complaint. It's the first time he yelled at me, l was able to get the info not standing next to him. l remained polite at all times, and only ate my frustration out last nite when home. Yes, my issue is trauma from abusive marriage. I am a petite female and l think about my personal safety at all times.

Trauma does complex things to everyone. I find that I am hypervigilant too often and it does not help any amount of dysregulation from overstimulation. It's kind of an anxiety soup were forced to eat and wear at times. At least you did not have a meltdown while doing your job but delayed processing of emotions and situations is a common undercurrent with trauma and aspies. Try not to get too frustrated or overthink the situation too much. From the sounds of it, you handled the situation well while also keeping yourself as safe as possible. That is all we can ask of any human. I often get frustrated, after the fact in those situations, when I act too submissively with those situations and do not assert for firm, calm, collected, regulated control. That is me recognizing and getting frustrated with someone having the ability to shut me down and make me feel afraid.

 

[Crossbreed]

I'm confused about why he felt that he needed to yell.

Did he think that you could not hear or understand him...?

 

[TheSaltyStray]

Second, while voices can be raised sometimes and confrontation happens, it is not ok for a team member to yell at another one. It does not foster teamwork, efficiency, or productivity and is a morale killer. I don't know if this person is a superior or peer, but either way what they are doing is creating a negative workspace that is not helping the company and its team members be successful. As someone with deep seated anger issues I understand the impulse but I still control it because yelling at subordinates is not going to improve morale. I have yelled at peers but usually because of how they treated team members.

I agree and will have to admit though, that there is only so much one person can take... neurotypical or not. I had a situation with someone this summer, Connie Pullins, that infiltrated and absolutely pushed me to the breaking points as a human being. She was named an assistant manager and she was one of the most troublesome, dramatic and needy employees ever!!! She could sell merchandise well but was gossipy and created more work for those who worked beneath her by not doing her job. She was supposed to be a complimentary equal in the job place and she absolutely was not. She got the raise without doing what was tasked of her and she ultimately created more work for me. I bent over backwards to keep her happy personally and professionally. She would actual get butt hurt when I did not bring her a soda every day. She also violated my trust as a human being, multiple times, and accused me of doing things I never did. Then she had the balls to try and blackmail me!!! Of course this said person got a visceral, entirely human, responses from me and I did end up raising my voice. Out of all my employees though, she was the only person that did these horrible things. Others have told me, I have been the best and most understanding boss that they have ever had. I do regret trusting her and allowing her in that deeply to have the effect on me. It was a treacherous thing of her to do and I honestly could not see the undercurrent of her motives until it was entirely too late. It was a hard lesson, for sure, but ultimately humans are humans.

 

[Juliettaa]

I'm confused about why he felt that he needed to yell.

Did he think that you could not hear or understand him...?

Me too.

Shouting/yelling at someone in the workplace is not acceptable.

Yes, my issue is trauma from abusive marriage.

Not minimising trauma from your abusive marriage, however your 'here and now' issue is the colleague who shouted at you and displayed anger. You were at work when this happened. It's not acceptable to be subjected to this kind of behaviour from one of your colleagues. Your employer has a duty of care towards you therefore to safeguard yourself against future outbursts, it may be in your best interests to speak with your manager or HR.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

It sounds like you are trying to process yesterday's episode at work which brought up PTSD from your past. Do you have a counselor you work with for the past trauma?

I don't know how much help you would get from the hr dept at your job. In my experience they seem more interested in preventing lawsuits than worker protection.

 

[DavidH]

I don't know how much help you would get from the hr dept at your job. In my experience they seem more interested in preventing lawsuits than worker protection.

My experience with HR as well. However, HR will want to minimize the risk of lawsuit and liability and may get involved if they think it is severe enough. Still should be approached with caution as it can be surprising who they might side with.

At the very least, if the manager is not supportive, reporting it to HR gets it recorded if the behavior is ongoing.

 

[onlything]

I have problems with people yelling at me as well. I just freeze, get that weird tunnel vision where every part of my body focuses on that one person that becomes a danger, I feel myself getting ready to bolt or fight depending on the situation. I was told that it's unsettling for others to see, that my eyes get wide open and every emotion crumbles from my face, as if 'lights were on but there was nobody home'. Like you, I will come nowhere near the shouting person. From what I understand, it's a leftover defence mechanism from my childhood where people would get bored sooner or later and leave me alone if I showed that I felt nothing.

You said that it came from an abusive marriage, so it seems completely natural. You went through something traumatic and now your brain is trying to protect you in any way it can. There's no need to call it reptilian or consider yourself less because of your reaction. Is this really wrong to try to protect yourself? You're doing the best you can.

While we're at it, you shouldn't have even been shouted at. It sounded bad, not just like a small, simple shout, it sounded really aggressive. You had the right to protect yourself from that aggression and so you did it in any way you could which was by seeking protection from someone bigger. Nothing to be blamed for but you should look into ways to stop this kind of behaviour from repeating (his shouting that is). You have the right to be safe. You have the right to be in a moderately calm environment and workplace.

There's nothing wrong in feeling scared in that situation either. You were triggered. It happens.

But it definitely shows that you don't feel safe since the marriage. Are there ways you could put your mind to rest? Ways to protect yourself? Maybe you could carry a pepper spray or attend self-defence classes for the petite? I think Aikido, for example, uses very little strength, placing focus on technique instead. You wouldn't get good at it for some time but it could still give you a bit more sense of security.

Please stay safe and don't be too harsh on yourself for such a natural response.

 

[GadAbout]

This morning l woke up and replayed the emotional track list that l went thru last night at work.

The person was across from me. l was told to get some info from him. He started yelling at me, visibly angry. Told me once, yelled at me twice to stand by him. When he started yelling, l stood right up on this bigger guy next to me like for protection. I felt very threatened because l didn't want to stand next to him.

Only this morning, l am wondering why l responded so strongly. But my reptilian brain when into protective lockdown mode, and there was absolutely no way l would be near him.

How should l handle this, because l don't have any serious complaint. It's the first time he yelled at me, l was able to get the info not standing next to him. l remained polite at all times, and only ate my frustration out last nite when home. Yes, my issue is trauma from abusive marriage. I am a petite female and l think about my personal safety at all times.

Was the person who yelled a co-worker, or a patient? This makes all the difference what you should do.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess l was just dealing with the fact of disbelief that the person was yelling, and for minute l crawled into helplessness mode.

 

[Judge]

I was once yelled at by someone slightly higher on the corporate pecking order. It didn't stop me from being very firm, yet polite about it. I took this person into a conference room, closed the door and proceeded to explain to her that you do not talk to me like that. Or any other person in this office. Or even the janitorial staff.

She never made this mistake again with me or much of anyone else.

Give them the chance to hear you out on such things with discretion. Then if they persist, you go to HR and handle the issue on a strict and formal basis.

There's no real "trick" with such situations. Though what counts the most is for one to "stand their ground" when they occur. If not, such people will continue to walk all over you "like a carpet".

Otherwise sometimes the management will intervene, and sometimes they won't. Don't assume in the US that "the system" will automatically help you.

 

[Juliettaa]

It sounds like you are trying to process yesterday's episode at work which brought up PTSD from your past. Do you have a counselor you work with for the past trauma?

I don't know how much help you would get from the hr dept at your job. In my experience they seem more interested in preventing lawsuits than worker protection.

My experience with HR as well. However, HR will want to minimize the risk of lawsuit and liability and may get involved if they think it is severe enough.

Are you in the US? Lawsuits?

I'm in the UK and my experiences with HR don't tend to deal with minimising lawsuits.

The employee displaying a level of anger/shouting that impacted negatively on a colleague should be addressed; trauma in a marriage aside, which would add a layer of complexity but does not do away with the fact that employees have a code of conduct to adhere to and employers have a duty of care to all of their staff.

@Aspychata - I hope that you're not feeling too unsettled by this event. It sounds, from what you've written, quite troubling to you.

ps - I've just read other posts since I'd typed out the above and now see that it may not have been a colleague who shouted at you? It could be a 'patient'? If so, that negates the HR stuff.

 

[Loren]

How should l handle this, because l don't have any serious complaint.

...l think about my personal safety at all times.

Yelling, volatility and indictions of anger towards you/ others, would in fact, be considered serious, and would justify making a formal complaint. Nobody should ever be treated in the manner you have described.

Good on you for 'thinking of your personal safety, at all times', whether physical or emotional/ mental.

I'm sorry you've had this experience, and hope you are feeling better at this juncture. If I were required to be further exposed to that person/ that sort of behavior, I would look for employment, elsewhere.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

Are you in the US? Lawsuits?

I'm in the UK and my experiences with HR don't tend to deal with minimising lawsuits.

The employee displaying a level of anger/shouting that impacted negatively on a colleague should be addressed; trauma in a marriage aside, which would add a layer of complexity but does not do away with the fact that employees have a code of conduct to adhere to and employers have a duty of care to all of their staff.

I worked for the US branch of a UK company and I wasn't impressed with their hr policy either. Most hr I've dealt with expect ppl to drop issues after a meeting or two. If they suspect it can linger and lead to potential legal problems, they try to find ways to get rid of the person raising the issues. The most glaring mistake this company made was not promoting a manager after 5 years despite being qualified in all positions he applied for during that time. He sued. Eventually he won his case and 3 years paid salary as compensation.

 

[Streetwise]

This morning l woke up and replayed the emotional track list that l went thru last night at work.

The person was across from me. l was told to get some info from him. He started yelling at me, visibly angry. Told me once, yelled at me twice to stand by him. When he started yelling, l stood right up on this bigger guy next to me like for protection. I felt very threatened because l didn't want to stand next to him.

Only this morning, l am wondering why l responded so strongly. But my reptilian brain when into protective lockdown mode, and there was absolutely no way l would be near him.

How should l handle this, because l don't have any serious complaint. It's the first time he yelled at me, l was able to get the info not standing next to him. l remained polite at all times, and only ate my frustration out last nite when home. Yes, my issue is trauma from abusive marriage. I am a petite female and l think about my personal safety at all times.

remind him of the #me too movement women dont stay quiet now

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, all these posts bring out great points. Where do l begin? This helps me understand that next time l need to put him in his place and document it with office manager. He is a part employee/resident so it makes him a little more accountable l believe.

 

[GadAbout]

Yelling at staff is not acceptable, whether a patient (resident) or an employee.

In either case, you should report this instance (don't wait for the next repetition).

If he is treated as a resident/patient, it will document that he has behaved in a way that is a problem for staff. It's not quite as bad as physically assaulting you, but it's pretty bad. Then management will document this and discuss it with him. If it continues, he may have to leave the facility. However, it could just reflect a med change that is not working out for him.

If he is treated as an employee, then yes, it needs to be dealt with as an HR issue.

You have every right to a safe and non-abusive working environment.

I noticed on a couple of recent doctor visits, one to the ER, one to a regular clinic, a sign on their walls saying staff have a reasonable expectation of safety, and yelling at staff will not be tolerated. So this issue has obviously come up before and this was how the organization chose to deal with it.

Sorry for your stress. Do not put off reporting. It might be the next time something happens - to you or anyone else - the behavior will be even worse.

 

[Kalinychta]

Send him a short e-mail telling him his behavior upset you and that he mustn’t do it again. Don’t let it slide. An e-mail will create a “paper trail” as well in case he does it again.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

Hmm. There is screaming and yelling at my job on a regular basis. Sometimes it's a coworker or supervisor. I don't internalize it if I can help it but I usually don't react to it which also frustrates people.

It takes a lot to get me in the state to yell back at someone. At work, the MGMT expects you to stick up for yourself before going to them for back up. They don't want to stick up for ppl who don't defend themselves.