Would Love Some Tips on Dating in College

[Shell-Bell]

Hi there, the name's Shell!

So I'm a 22 year old Aspie (a college Junior at the moment) who's suddenly come to the realization that I've never been in a relationship and would love to be in one (I tell you it's those pesky hormones kicking in!). All of my friends and classmates tell me that I'm just this cheerful ball of smiles. I also regularly get complimented on how nice and always able listen and talk about anything I am. And I won't lie, I'm never short on the humor side of things.

Though because i'm a high functioning Aspie i'm a bit oblivious to certain things. I'm horrible at picking up signals (my friends let me know all too late when someone was signaling they were interested in me), I don't really understand flirting (both giving and receiving), plus I'm very shy when it comes to asking guys out - I've tried a few times but no dice (yet). I've also been told my cheerfulness has mystified people to the point where they don't think I posses other "human" emotions, like anger for instance. Of course that's not true though, I get sad, worried, and mad over things, I just handle it differently (like contemplating it over the reason I'm feeling that way on my own as compared to having a meltdown in class). I also just can't figure out how to show interest in someone past the friendship stage (See I get tons of friends, just never a boyfriend) In my mind I feel like I'm missing the secret gesture or phrase that signals "Hey I like you! We should date" or something. I have no idea, everyone else seems to know it! Feels like I missed that day of class.
Overall I just don't know how to go about starting a relationship with someone, along with keeping up with school, calling home, and the pesky laundry! (lol)

So any tips and tricks on to get a sure-fire date would be lovely! Hope this will also help out other fellow Aspies who're also short on the uptake to some of this stuff and are looking for some lovin.

Also a note: I'm not interested in hooking up (I've been asked to several (drunken) times and have declined) though because of being in college and the area I'm in this seems to be the default. I've also never tried online dating and I'm really on the fence about it. I'm sure it works for a lot of people, but I'd still like to give the traditional way a go before I dive into cyberland. I'm also not in any rush (heck I've gone single 22 years so far and have been fine), I'm just looking for any advice for when I really want to catch that fish.

Again thanks!
~Shell

 

[AsheSkyler]

As somebody who's only had two dates (my husband and I courted), I am probably far from a good person to give dating advice. But I like the "ease in" approach. Start off on a group function like going bowling, visiting an amusement park, or some kind of group activity. It doesn't have to be a big group, it could simply be a double-date so you also don't have to make somebody the awkward "third wheel". Then monopolize all the time you can get with them to chitchat so you can recon their interests. Somehow wrangle the conversation around those interests at some point and then start inviting them out on it, like miniature golf or Italian food. And let it grow cozy from there. If all goes good, you might get a bona fide relationship out of it!

Pretty much how it went with my fellow. Met in college, did a lot of stuff with our study group, branched off to just the two of us studying and killing time between classes, and ended up courting.

 

[Shell-Bell]

Aw thats sweet, sounds like you guys really hit it off. The study group's a great idea too, I might give that a go. I go to an art college so it could be like a work group for class projects or something.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aw thats sweet, sounds like you guys really hit it off. The study group's a great idea too, I might give that a go. I go to an art college so it could be like a work group for class projects or something.

Go for it! And it never hurts to observe their work ethic in the possibility that you two may be living together if things go well. A hard, thorough worker has a better chance of putting his clothes in the laundry basket!

 

[DonRojo]

I am going to answer the title from personal experience. The advantage of being older and having learned. First thing, college, is the most important job in life. Economically it is like inestimg. If that investement doesn't go well, you future suffers.

However, there is more to life than your future job. You seem to doing two studies. I don't think it is on purpose, but being stuck in the same building with a lot of unknown members of the opposite sex, really makes learning now easier than later. There is enough time, even for woman to meet mister right later. But somehow we homo sapiens are not born with all there is to know. Not that I am suggesting you sleep around, unless that is your thing. (ironically I suspect the more you do in vollege, the less you do later in life.Sort of a been there, done that effect.) But you want to get this dating, or in your case flirting thing under control. That is a skill that can (and almost to valuable not to) be learned.

About your Aspie situation. You describe perfectly what I have learned and to spread as the grest new thing/cure, while being driven out with heyforks and torches. .

I noticed you are picking everything up. But I was at least, miss trsnslating it. I tended to explain what was supossed to be flirtatious behavior, as not much out of the ordinary. Seems NT's are masters at appearing completely innocent between the lined, there is another message.

How to learn it the quickest for an Aspie? Well this is what I can imagine if I travel bwck in time.I am a man, and in my case it was a woman, but I suspect a man teaching a man is better. Sort of a strange reason I think. One of the most major and effective break throughs, an ordinary situation of meeting somebody new. And then getting the 'translation' after the situation ended. I noticed nothing, but apperantly there where so many signals. But having them gresh side by side, was like having an english and french text next to each other and being able to compare, and learn how to translate. (when therr is no official school available). As you said, your friends to tell you to late, and I am sure for personal reasons. Not because they are really trying to help you, or understand the big Aspie problem in this.So half I would say is to convince a friend to be sort of a translater teacher. NTs need to be thaught bravery and all that (malea), not really the most important Aspie problem. Just learn how to translate. Actually finding someone nice.....not that important. Somehow even damiging. It will teach you about relationship, but not much else. Certainly if the relationship slumps in. As I said, it is like going to school. Child labour (a real permanent relationship) is forbidden in most countries in the world now.

I am basically suggesting, if you learn the skills first, you catch up later by easier finding and connecting with mister right.

Comparing it with child labour, is actually a very very good comparison. Though a lot of people might not see it, or just plainly misunderstand.

And as I said, for an Aspie, it seems to be mostly a translation problem. I noticed that except for that, they seem eben to have a romantic advantage somehow. (not sure how to place it exactly).

I thought of an other rather powerfull way of looking for it. We all know 'read between the lines!'. Except you are not reading a book right now, the text is all around. Actions, words and body language. But I found it as an Aspie very hard to read between the lines. You think it, you say it. Well apperantly not to most people in this world. . Though in written text, I love the effect. So I guess I can empathize the value for others.