Women struggle too

[Jonn]

@Jonn, being part of the 84% is probably not more comforting than being part of the 89%.

True, but that doesn't change the observation that it is easier for women to find a partner based on the stats provided, in addition to anecdotal observations.

Are you being mischievous?
Was it a joke?
Have you missed the point I was making?

I did post:
The AI research that I presented indicates that autistic ppl have a lot less success in SO relationships.

You may have noticed, I tend not to skirt around the Truth.
I don't think it's helpful if ppl do.

You try your best.
Some succeed.
Many don't.
If you don't try, you don't know, so give it your best shot. <shrug>

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

@Crossbreed Yep! That's right were I thought you got the percentages from.

 

[Crossbreed]

True, but that doesn't change the observation that it is easier for women to find a partner based on the stats provided, in addition to anecdotal observations.

It is a "glass half full" observation.
Odds for men? Bad.
Odds for women? Better.

vs.

Odds for women? Bad.
Odds for men? Worse.

 

[Jonn]

It is a "glass half full" observation.
Odds for men? Bad.
Odds for women? Better.

vs.

Odds for women? Bad.
Odds for men? Worse.

Absolutely not.

I am making a clinical assessment based on reason and available statistics.
Some ppl simply don't like the findings. <shrug>

I have no skin in the game.
I am happy to be single.
Where is the incentive for me to push an agenda?

The bottom line:
It is what it is.

 

[Crossbreed]

I am making a clinical assessment based on reason and available statistics.

I am not questioning your numbers, just their emotional implications.

 

[grommet]

HINT: autistics are great. If you date another autistic you might find it very rewarding and the experience might be completely different for you.

My girlfriend of eight years was autistic too and we understood each other very well. I would accept what she said, about anything. If she was hungry or tired or did not want to do something. We would be on the phone and I would say, "Go away now." She understood and was not hurt or offended. NT people cannot understand me when I say this.

I needed things to be a certain way in my home. When she was taught to drive they told her to let the car warm up for thirty seconds before driving. If we had been driving an hour and stopped, when she started the car she would look at her watch and let the car warm for thirty seconds. I was the same way about things I had been taught.

We never made fun of each other for being autistic. Sometimes we had funny moments like when I tried to use a joke or suggestion to create a mood and she would take me literally. We would laugh at the awkwardness we both created so many times.

It was not perfect though. She was insensitive. I do not think autistic people lack empathy or have more trouble having it but it seemed like she had great difficulty feeling empathy towards anyone.

Very intelligent. Wonderful with words and I liked hearing about her routines which she kept for decades. I understood. Without understanding why she had some of them I never questioned them or felt the need to. It was important to her so I was glad they made her happy. She accepted me the same way.

The insensitivity was a big problem though. She would because she felt like it, cancel plans or make huge changes to our relationship and only thought how it affected her was what was happening. I mean as an example, she once got so upset she broke up with me with no warning, in a message she wrote during the night. I was devastated but when she felt differently later she came by with a smile. She never ever after that asked how I felt about what happened. I never got over it. Things like that.

We are all different but if I have the choice I always want an autistic partner. The acceptance was bliss.

 

[honeytoast]

The brutal honesty is that there is no certainty that anyone will find a partner or the perfect match.
The probability that Limerentchick will is pretty good, however, based on her youth and what has been presented, imo.

That was not implied in my post. I never said anything about perfection.

You can have standards, you can know what you want in a person. That's not being picky.

A side note, if we're going to post AI overviews, could you at least post where the AI is collecting the data from? I wouldn't take what AI says as the full truth. I find that it pulls from random places rather than like, actual research articles/papers.

 

[honeytoast]

I don't understand why yet another post about autistic women being lonely has to devolve into another "well actually you do have it easier!!!' argument. I don't think this is the place for it. Let OP have a place to vent.

 

[Rodafina]

I don't understand why yet another post about autistic women being lonely has to devolve into another "well actually you do have it easier!!!' argument. I don't think this is the place for it. Let OP have a place to vent.

I was just thinking the very same thing.

It's frustrating.

---

@Limerentchick, the pain you describe sounds awful and I remember feeling the same way at different times in my life. Don't let anyone invalidate your struggle by saying, "women have it easier." Pain is not a competition. You do not have to prove your pain.

What helped me is to just keep trying. Keep trying to connect with different types of people and you may find a few people along the way who become true friends - I was always drawn to the other people who seemed like they didn't quite fit in. Focus on your own happiness and find things that make you feel good even when there are no friends in sight. Feeling confident, content and secure with your own self will put you in a better place to find friends and maybe a romantic relationship one day. Notice the strength within that gets you through the hurt.

 

[Jonn]

I am not questioning your numbers, just their emotional implications.

White lies and autism don't mix that well, unfortunately.
As a group, we work better with direct communication.
I have heard that said for decades, from various autism communities.

I am not suggesting any woman here is going to fail at having a relationship.
To the contrary.
Women have the advantage.
Isn't that a positive?

Statistically, women have a significantly better chance than men, is the message I would have expected ppl would have focused on.
You seem to be looking at a glass half empty.

"Interesting".

 

[Jonn]

I don't understand why yet another post about autistic women being lonely has to devolve into another "well actually you do have it easier!!!' argument. I don't think this is the place for it. Let OP have a place to vent.

You are missing the point.
I am providing positivity that women are significantly more likely to find a partner.
How is that a negative thing?

 

[Crossbreed]

You are missing the point.
I am providing positivity that women are significantly more likely to find a partner.
How is that a negative thing?

If you had a terminal disease, how much more encouraged would you be if it had a 16% survival rate rather than an 11% survival rate?

 

[Jonn]

That was not implied in my post. I never said anything about perfection.

You can have standards, you can know what you want in a person. That's not being picky.

I wasn't criticising you, for goodness' sake.
What I said was a simple statement of fact, and was not a rebuttal of what you said.
It was alongside your comment, not over it.

What I actually did, and I do this all the time everywhere, is validate your existence via responding to your post.

A side note, if we're going to post AI overviews, could you at least post where the AI is collecting the data from? I wouldn't take what AI says as the full truth. I find that it pulls from random places rather than like, actual research articles/papers.

I was having a casual conversation.
Everyone knows you can't take AI as complete gospel.
And how do you find the specific source?
Doesn't AI take bits and pieces from a whole number of sources?

 

[Jonn]

If you had a terminal disease, how much more encouraged would you be if it had a 16% survival rate rather than an 11% survival rate?

Apples and oranges.
We are not talking about a terminal disease.
Context is important.

"Storm in a teacup, me thinks.

 

[Jonn]

To pacify ppl:

Yes, women struggle too.

 

[Crossbreed]

Apples and oranges.
We are not talking about a terminal disease.
Context is important.

They both produce grief (at least, for some people).

 

[Jonn]

They both produce grief (at least, for some people).

They aren't even in the same ballpark. <sigh>

 

[VictorR]

IMO, a significant part of the challenges faced by autistic women, enbies, and gender non-conformers is the performance of gender.

Society considers guys to be default. Everyone else is an other, and in many ways held to a higher standard.

Consider clothing - a guy can have one or two suits and wear them for work and events, whereas women get called out if they attend two different weddings in the same dress. And the judgement comes from guys and gals.

Australian TV host wears same suit for a year and nobody notices

Why Women Feel like they Can’t Wear the Same Thing Twice

Similarly, guys don't have to worry much about hairstyle, makeup, nails, accessories, etc.

For autistic guys, it means they can blend in with other guys easily. They literally don't have to do anything

For autistic gals (and those perceived to be gals), it means they "stand out" more easily, and standing out, as some have noted, can lead to forms of othering such as bullying.

Some learn quickly to mask in an effort to blend in, but as we know, masking, and especially masking hard, consumes energy and comes with risks like burnout.

Othering is part of human nature. We may not be able to stop others from othering (and sometimes it may be unsafe to do so). But we ourselves as individuals can all try our best to be accepting and supportive of others as they are, so that everyone can live, work, and play authentically as themselves.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don't understand why yet another post about autistic women being lonely has to devolve into another "well actually you do have it easier!!!' argument.

It probably happened because of the first line of the first post:

The general consensus from what I've seen is that autistic women have it easier dating and making friends, this isn't true in my experience,

The thread title is fine: "Women struggle too". This doesn't rank XX vs XY.

Given it's AF the natural assumption is this is means "ASD women struggle too".
If anyone here disputed that I'd expect it to get reported immediately.

But the first sentence is comparative which is asking for dissenting views.

 

[mr prosser]

I did a computing course once and there was a very autistic girl there. She wasn't the most popular girl in the class or anything, but she was treated well and people listened to her talking about her special interests.

Other places that might be more tolerant... board-gaming groups? Comic Cons? Nerdy stuff I guess.

IMO, a significant part of the challenges faced by autistic women, enbies, and gender non-conformers is the performance of gender.

Society considers guys to be default. Everyone else is an other, and in many ways held to a higher standard.

Consider clothing - a guy can have one or two suits and wear them for work and events, whereas women get called out if they attend two different weddings in the same dress. And the judgement comes from guys and gals.

Australian TV host wears same suit for a year and nobody notices

Why Women Feel like they Can’t Wear the Same Thing Twice

Similarly, guys don't have to worry much about hairstyle, makeup, nails, accessories, etc.

For autistic guys, it means they can blend in with other guys easily. They literally don't have to do anything

For autistic gals (and those perceived to be gals), it means they "stand out" more easily, and standing out, as some have noted, can lead to forms of othering such as bullying.

Some learn quickly to mask in an effort to blend in, but as we know, masking, and especially masking hard, consumes energy and comes with risks like burnout.

Othering is part of human nature. We may not be able to stop others from othering (and sometimes it may be unsafe to do so). But we ourselves as individuals can all try our best to be accepting and supportive of others as they are, so that everyone can live, work, and play authentically as themselves.

Probably true about guys not being judged for their clothing etc. so much.

Unfortunately even if you don't immediately "stand out" because of such things, it's very easy to become the target of abuse if certain types of people are around and you're autistic, ADHD or whatever regardless of your sex, gender or whatever it's called this week. On the upside, at least you might know who to avoid more quickly!

Not really interested in a gender war debate by the way, just wanted to say that.