Wish I could find a girl to even hang out with me

[Rodafina]

I understand. I just been hurt too many times by women. The last one was real devastating. I really thought I finally had a platonic friendship but once again it was just an acquaintance even after I stupidly beared my soul to her I once again got hurt.

And I understand your hurt. I will never ever dismiss the hurt that you feel. I don’t know if you can believe this, but I have been in your position, too. I have felt some of the things that you have described, and I am a woman. So, yes, it even happens to us.

I appreciate how difficult and hurtful loneliness can be. I just want happiness and contentment for you in your life.

 

[Misty Avich]

but when it comes to starting or forming a heterosexual relationship, its quite obvious that 9 times out of 10, its the man that does the approaching or is the one who asks the woman out, initiates the relationship, i'm sure thats why most people in the world who are 30+, 40+ and have never been with anyone, are mostly male.

Yes I know when it comes to forming a relationship but I'm talking about just friendships.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I can't believe I been black and white thinking with this poor kind girl I am so sorry. Calling her a fake friend and mean things like an acquaintance. I can't believe my autism makes me think like this. Thank goodness I only shared that information here and too my therapist and not to my friends or even messaged this kind girl. Really she has been the nicest person I have ever met in my life. She would not say that to hurt me. I don't think she does want me to get hurt thinking anything romantic could happen even if we hang out as friends more solo it usually can develop. She knows I am not ready for it with her or with any other women. But she knows I can still message her for support as she said she won't get angry and understanding of my condition. I told her I am controlling it but I do struggle. She is always praying for me and thanks me all the time.

 

[thejuice]

I'm glad she's able to support you, Tony

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I completely give up in ever having any girl hang out with me solo. I already ruined my only female friendship if you can call it that but let's focus on something else and forget about that. I tried everything to try to even get a girl to hang out with me solo from going to life groups with mostly women, to going to a outdoor church prayer where after we break up at the end and go out separate ways and every time no matter what I end up hanging solo with a guy eating out, getting coffee or at a park. I either get a text only from the one guy not the many girls even though they all have my number. When we break up after service the women go away and I end up with the guy wanting to hang out. Then during the week some well know guy friend wants to meet up in the park again.

When I try methods with women I end up getting mixed singles like we are only friends really acquaintances if that and then I see people like Kyle who does not even have to try and gets many platonic hangs with single women. I give up. I hear crap like you are trying to hard. I did not even try hard and I failed. Then I hear crap like when your not looking well I was not looking and that did not work either. I give up. It's a lost cause.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

It sounds like you're still trying to apply romantic advice you've picked up from random sources like internet grifters.

You're still not past the point when your "female repulsion field" can snap on because you scare someone. You're nearly there though, which is huge progress compared to e.g. 12 months ago.

IMO it's way too soon for you to start actively looking for a romantic relationship.

BTW I know you don't want to hear that, but you have a choice - listen to the "infinite" number of people who tell you "Just be yourself, and it will work out", or try to figure out something that might actually work.
Reminder (not the first time I've set this): dating in the 2020s is a mess for 80-90% of XY humans, certainly including you. That won't change soon. So this may never work out for you. But it's a life goal, so you should try anyway.

Here's some "secret" advice dating advice (which may not be popular here): Don't listen to dating advice from women.
There's an answer to the "why?" question, but I won't answer it here.

This doesn't mean you'll get good dating advice from men either. But it will be less bad

Here's a thread from a day or two ago. I suggest you read it carefully.
Not for advice as such, but to demonstrate how much variation there is in making contact with other people.

How does my cousin do it?

One of my cousins is what I call an extreme NT. She starts a job, then literally within less than a month she has made friends, as in people who want to see her outside of work and do stuff with her. I really don't get what power she has to draw anyone and everyone to her. She just has friends...

www.autismforums.com

 

[Misty Avich]

I understand how this gets to Tony. I take it Tony is a sociable type of spectrumer and has his heart set on having female friends and feels frustrated because it doesn't work out. That's understandable for certain types of people on the spectrum. You start ruminating and just want things to be better for you. You wonder where you're going wrong and you do not want to let your autism defeat you. And these things just get to you. They eat away at you. You think things like "it's not fair!", and it isn't fair. It'd be nice if people were less shallow. The OP makes the effort and shows care and compassion for women, yet he still doesn't seem to succeed or have much luck. I totally understand how that feels.

 

[thejuice]

I understand how this gets to Tony. I take it Tony is a sociable type of spectrumer and has his heart set on having female friends and feels frustrated because it doesn't work out. That's understandable for certain types of people on the spectrum. You start ruminating and just want things to be better for you. You wonder where you're going wrong and you do not want to let your autism defeat you. And these things just get to you. They eat away at you. You think things like "it's not fair!", and it isn't fair. It'd be nice if people were less shallow. The OP makes the effort and shows care and compassion for women, yet he still doesn't seem to succeed or have much luck. I totally understand how that feels.

That's a nice post

 

[Tony Ramirez]

What a big misunderstanding. She was having a bad day and it was not me or my autism. She was acting weird with anyone. That is why she wanted to meet with my female friend.

That is why guys want to solo hang with me to grab coffee, quick bite to eat or talk in the park just like my female friend did with my other female friend. To trauma dump and tell things. I did not realize how good I felt after talking to my friends Garrett, James and David and the stuff I said I could never say to a woman unless we were in a relationship just like women could not say to other women stuff they could not say to men
I finally get it.

 

[jsilver256]

Yes. I'm going to assume this involves a church, so I'm going to explain how the traditional Christian structure works.

Within a church, the Biblical division of labor is that the men support and teach each other, and women support and teach each other. There can be opposite-sex friendships but the primary support is from the opposite-sex spouse first, same-sex members second, and everyone else a distant third.

So when your female friend is in times of trouble, she is almost obligated to lean into other female members of the congregation.

But it works in both directions. Your male friends are Biblically prescribed to support you, and from what you've posted here, it sounds like that they are doing an excellent job.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Baby steps. Of course we are just casual friends and I totally respect her but she kind of invited me to get coffee in a sense of going outside locally to the farmers market outside our church. Of course I don't like coffee and she advised against it and I even told her I drink hot chocolate at coffee places even at the place I meet her. We walked and talked for about 10 minutes knowing I was upset then we recorded a message to her friend. Then I reached out for a hug and she hugged me for about 5 seconds. I said thank you. She said no problem it will get better. Then she went to her church meeting. I then went home.