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Will my Aspie ex come back to me?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Datsloth, Feb 20, 2018.

  1. yes

    1 vote(s)
    33.3%
  2. no

    2 vote(s)
    66.7%
  1. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    To begin with, let me talk about our backgrounds a little. I'm a NT with depression and prone to being paranoid, grew up in a family with angry issue parent. He is an Aspie with PTSD from highschool bullying and has been dwelling in his room for over 6 years, he barely goes out, online friends are his only friends. We live half world away from each other.

    I met my ex on a social network 2 years ago. At first we were just best friends, we only started dating a few months later on Nov 2016. We loved each others a lot. At last, it was him who broke up last month.

    We both had responsibility on the miscommunication - we never talked about serious issues in voice due to our social anxiety. I never could truly moved on from what happened at our start - he flirted around on the site we met, kept in touch with those who once got sexual with him, got obsessed with certain girl etc. He explained later that was because he didn't know what should do in a relationship nor was taking it seriously, he then made a promise to me and had stopped flirting since. Yet that had enough to increase my trust issue and I started to assume and accuse him of ridiculous things.

    We argued most of the time because of things that triggered me to complain, but he never listen. This was the cycle which caused the arguments: he did something> I told him that wasn't right to do for someone in a relationship and that made me sad> he refused to listen saying either "this is just internet trolling/for fun" "there is no issue" "i don't need to listen/ I don't care" > it irritated me so I went on explaining > then he found it more annoying and refused more saying "this is your own issue" or " whatever. move on" > of course I couldn't move on and I went on and on in wish he could listen. But that was I didn't understand his condition. I later found out that he was unable to understand the issues and the feeling I had towards them.

    And after each argument like that, my insecurity got worse. I slowly started to do awful things like interrogating his schedule a lot or checking him up by messaging girls he had interacted to or making negative post on that site about him. Yes, I know I was really really terrible... I totally lost it at that time and have even become obsessive, possessive and manipulated in his eyes. At first, he still was always patient and forgiving enough to me although he got super annoyed. However, the time of our argument was way too much, We had even hit to an extent that he had been mentioned to break up for 4 times, yet he always came back saying "i love you, i don't want us to argue anymore" after a few days break. Ungratefully, I was all blinded by my negative emotion, got triggered by the slightest thing and complained and argued over and over again throughout the year. Last Christmas, we decided to meet to see if we could go on. I flew 21 hours to get to where he lives and we spent 2 weeks together, surprisingly we had a really great loving time together, yet, forgot to fix the issues. As soon as I went back home, I started arguing with him again daily because of my insecurity and he got fed up.

    Despite all the arguments, we were all silly and sappy. We were in the same vein and still, got along so well and know each others enough to finish each other's sandwiches. In video games, we are a very good team even though I'm not as good as him. Staying up to talk or play video games was our weekend activity. On weekdays, we always had each other in the morning and evening. He told me he had never ever experienced the feeling "love" before he met me.

    After the split, I have done a deep self reflection, seeking for advice for improving myself and sorting my head out. I regret so much that I never searched about what is Asperger's Syndrome and regret so much that I bottled up all my negatives and unloaded onto him as I wanted him to be my only emotion support. Now I am learning how to deal with my depression, loving myself and staying positively. I have hope that I could handle any further issues in the future, I would accept his flaws and bring the best out of him. I came back appear positively asking if we could get back together but he said no determinedly and just wanted to be friends. There was another day he said he needed time, and another day he said no again, which is very confusing. At first when we were talking, he still sent love song and lyrics to me and talked about things I gave him. I have asked him the same for a few times really. The last time was a few days ago, which he was pissed the most, told me to find another man and move on and that we are not ever getting back together as he doesn't want it anymore. I told him that we could start new and I wanted to help him with his future and exploring the rest of our life together like those two weeks in Christmas by staying close together, he rejected me saying we could still be best friends to do those. He said he still loves me but not in love. And after that, he avoided all sentimental stuffs and pulled back.

    In the whole period from the day we split til now, I have took 2 really small breaks (2-4days) away from him in order to give him space and time. However, he still messaged me daily like he used to. There was one day he came reporting to me that he (flirted) went overboard with a girl on here on public, I acted understandable but he still was annoyed. And there was another day he told me that he has met new (girl, lesbian) friend to talk daily. Meanwhile, since we were famous couple on that site, he kept commenting around telling people that we aren't together anymore like I'm a plague. Also, there were some people the site asking about our relationship in our pm, some were even trying to help us out. I feel as though no-contact rule doesn't work on him but would pull us more distanced so I decided to talk to him again lately. It seemed okay although he would still brought up his annoyance from the past, I just stayed quiet or explained it with the least words then we talked about random things again. Sometimes he still used our pet names that we made together when we were a thing, and sometimes he would still mention my body. I don't know if he still has feelings for me or if he was just on his spectrum... I have just stopped myself and others talking about anything in terms of our relationship. Still, it aches me whenever he talks to me as a friend. I'm haunted by this unreturned love, by the thought of him would be with another person. I fear if I say anything wrong would only push him away.

    Today someone else on the site referred us as a thing and got him triggered, he later made sexual joke with me as usual but he added "nah" afterwards like he doesn't even has sexual desire towards me now. We then talked about random stuffs and accidentally came across the topic. He was pissed thinking back of what happened, saying that he still couldn't see I have changed (this was totally misunderstanding since there were two users misused words). He said he hated me and hate it and never want to do this again, and said that he is going to find someone local and autistic. I tried to talk about things like "what made me so special?" "what we had in common?" "have I made him felt so bad?" in order to apologize to him for my past hurtful assumption and accusations. He didn't accept it but kept saying " irrelevant" and "doesn't matter now". He seems so hurting and got afraid of me. But when I asked him why does he still talk to me, he said I am still his best friend. I feel so devastated now and want to be away a bit, I don't want to give up on him at the same time since it upsets me to see he feels lonely... Should I stop talking to him for an amount of time? would that disconnect us and let other people in? Or should I keep talking to him everyday still? I don't know what to do now.

    On the other hand, I have a more serious situation now. It is my plan of working in his country which I planned before breaking up. It's a governmental scheme which people can apply freely. This month I was supposed handing the form and the result of being approved or not will be out by April... If I get the visa, I have to go there in 3-6 months afterwards and I never could get this visa again once it's been used. I would lose a chance being there for working out the relationship if we weren't together. I dont know... should I still get the visa to go there? If so, shall I live in his house if he offers me a room? Like, Would it be good and easier for us to fix by being closer to each other when we are this intense?

    Do you think I still have chance?

    We were each other's happiness in our lonely life before the dramas happened. He was always so sweet and caring to me, made time for me even though he preferred his personal time, be there for me when I felt emotional even though he didn't understand how did those feelings feel. I was an introvert, a loner. He is the first one I can be this comfortable to be around, the only one that is willing to be a big kid as me, and could endure my ultimate negatives for me for a whole year. I loved him more than anyone. I hope we could get back together again.

    Thank you so much for reading, it means a whole lot!
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2018
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  2. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you do not move on, you will be toyed with forver. Why are you wanting someone who is not loving you the way you want to be loved?

    Aspied are intense and people come on here ALL THE TIME--- What to do with my ASpie Ex? How long should I wait? I need him!!

    Look, do you want to be one of those people who wasted TEN YEARS on an Aspie Ex who is still prevaricating?

    FOR GOODNEsS SAKE, move on and leave HIS head spinning.

    Trouble is, often it's out of sight out of mind. Accept you WILL BE FORGOTTEN before you forget him.

    One day you wll find someone who loves you and you will say THANK YOU GOD that I did not stay with a man who thinks of me like a piece of furniture.
     
  3. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    What kind of furniture?
     
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  4. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ummm....a fridge!! :)
     
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  5. kay

    kay Well-Known Member

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    Move on, the relationship just doesn't sound healthy for either of you.
     
  6. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. As hard as it is to hear, and I deeply apologize, it is best you move on. Find someone who actively wants to be in a relationship with you. You're life is way to precious to spend it on someone who doesn't want to be with you.
     
  7. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    Hmmf! Stop teasing, I don't know should I cry or laugh right now :tired:
     
  8. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    I see your point... I know it would be a long wait for just a slight possibility. He is indeed prevaricating but he did love me. I later found out that breaking habits and routine (i.e. he used to flirt around with random girls when he was single) is hard for any aspies to do, but he was willing and managed to make change for me. He had small improvement on things from time to time, I could see that.

    People say don't push or try to change people, but people do change themselves for good and for love, doesn't it? He has dwelled at home for too long and couldn't make his way out to outside world, he needs help, I don't need him but I feel as though I'm needed. No matter he loves me or not now, I still love him, I really want to be by his side to help him on this, that's why I want to make the visa and live there. Is it really a bad idea?
     
  9. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    Yes. I do admit the relationship WASN'T healthy at all for either of us. That was mostly because my lack of knowledge of Aspies, my lack of self-control of my own mental condition, and the miscommunication between us. Now I am working on my own condition, improving myself mentally.

    Honestly I am so surprised he could put up with my ultimate negatives like that for over a year as an aspie. I read somewhere some aspies could only deal with relationship for months even without any issue by their partners. He wanted to leave me for about 4 times, and he always came back telling me he loved me. He told me he never felt love before we met. Last christmas we met, he even cried for me on the last day, that was the only time he cried in about 8 years and the only time he did for someone.

    I think he is probably just holding resentment towards me and can't let go at the moment, or am I just pathetically blinded by love. I know I shouldn't force to get back together, I would let him go yet as what I replied to OkRad, I really want to help him, over his future or over moving on from this anxiety I gave him.
     
  10. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    You sound like a very kind beautiful individual and I am sorry to see you go through so much pain. I've felt such pain before and it is relentless. Whether you choose to stay or leave is your choice. I support you on either way.
     
  11. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Honestly, that's not hard at all. Changing your everyday routine might be tricky. Breaking deeply ingrained habits might be tricky. Not flirting with randoms isn't a big sacrifice nor does it require a huge effort. It just requires you to not reach out to random people flirtateously.
     
  12. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    No, but I can assure you the illusion that you are needed is not as strong as you think. We live in our own world.......now I can't speak for everyone. But I hope it does help you to come here and talk about it. Give yourself a year......see how it goes. But don't waste more than a year because your own thoughts will start to go down a train and your thoughts and habits and patterns will then be hard to break when you realize it's not there. (if it is, YEAH! please post if it's a success! :)
     
  13. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    I just talking like that on threads counted as a habit for him since he only dwelled at home and be single for all these years
     
  14. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    View it however you like. I feel like you're letting him get away with quite a lot, I guess partially because you don't want to be alone, and partially because of the Aspie card. But honestly: being on the spectrum doesn't give you an excuse for being inconsiderate. I was single for a long time, but once I entered into an exclusive relationship, not hitting on other people (whether on- or offline) didn't take any heroic effort. It's not something worthy of praise, it's just called common decency.
     
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  15. Datsloth

    Datsloth New Member

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    Thank you all for your support, although I don't know if it's right to do or not.

    So today I got a good news and a bad news about it.

    Good news -
    He told me that he finally got a referral letter from the therapist place after awaiting for 7 months. He is going to the treatment soon, soon enough he will get a job. I'm happy for him that he could finally go out to the outside world and live life more meaningful. He is WISHING a whole lot of stuffs, like job, maybe school, friends and relationships. The way he talked about it sounded like he craved them to an extent. I do understand. If I was him, I'd want back what I might have missed out in these 6 years or so. Even so, I felt dead when I heard that he is hoping to date some girls in real life...

    Bad news -
    Lately I kinda pulled away from him to avoid conflicts whenever I sensed his annoyance, so we are distanced now. And just few moments ago, I bickered with him again and he felt annoyed now. I haven't got the chance to talk about the visa with him, so my plan might not happen if I couldn't get closer with him again and talk about it before he went treatment. Honestly I really don't know should I be away for a few days or keep talking everyday.