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Wife of Aspie Needs Advice

R

ridingthewaves

Active Member
Hello! I am new here and hoping to get some advice/support.

I have been married almost 21 years. We have two teenage children. My marriage has been miserably unfulfilling. My husband lived under tight rules in the house and out. If any of us would break these rules, my husband would become very angry and fixated to an obsessive degree on fixing it. Over time, I was made to feel I was at fault, that there was something wrong with me. I became very depressed over time and a feeling of unworthiness overcame me. About a year ago, we embarked on marital therapy. Through this process, our therapist has just recently (last week) diagnosed my husband with aspergers. It isn't an official diagnosis with testing data on board, but he says my husband is "consistently consistent" with all criteria and that he is "definitely on the spectrum". He said it isn't a matter of "if" he has aspergers, but "what we do about it".

I have found myself accepting that I don't love him anymore. His inability to connect and support me on an emotional level has killed our marriage. He, however, saids he loves me more than anything, wants this to work and has apologized over and over again for his past. He is trying to make changes and working very hard. However, I feel like it is too late. Just a couple weeks ago, his anger spiked again over technology not working. It was so tense in the house, our son retreated upstairs and our 16 year old daughter literally curled up in my lap, in a fetal position.

So, I am finding my job in the house is to protect the children. I want to leave him, but I fear the negative impact on the children as well as how he will react. He tells me he has no friends and no live outside of us. He is holding on suffocatingly tight. I fear what he will do if/when I leave him.

I welcome any thoughts or advice. I am a teacher and deal with autistic children all over the spectrum. I feel a bit foolish I didn't see this in my husband. But it does explain A LOT now that it has been brought into the light. And now I don't feel at fault or crazy anymore.....
 
People like us are hard to live with. I've been married and divorced twice. The thing with my marriages was that both of my wives ended up changing personality-wise somewhat over time, and I didn't.

I fought both of my wives tooth and nail for custody of my children in my divorce and ultimately prevailed in both cases, although my daughter eventually moved back in with her mother a couple of years ago after she and I had a falling out over her not respecting my authority.
 
Thanks Checkered,

I am afraid of my husbands response if/when I initiate a divorce. He is 100% devoted and wants desperately for me to stay. He says he loves me deeply all the time and is apologizing for all his past mistakes. I am afraid of what he'll do if/when I leave. His world will crash down. He has said all he has in life is me and the kids.
 
Oh waves,
You sound so much like my wife, its scary. My wife and I have had the talk about whether its too late for us. She has told me she has no trust or respect for me, which cuts like a knife, but deserved. Not unlike you, she has a medical condition, that I blame myself for. I have conditioned her into withholding her feelings, because of my past. I have had my moments of rage over stupid things like technology, like your husband. Denial, deflection and defending the indefensible, were my weapons of choice. To make matters worse, I have a 17 son, with Aspergers, who ive shown how not to deal with this condition.
There is light at the end of the tunnel waves, but it takes open communication, with no holding back. Everday, I am committed to making my wife's life better, one day at a time. I still trip and stumble, but the difference is in how I take responsibility for it.
If you decide to go down this path, please dont go it alone. Gather as much support around you as possible and be very clear about your expectations. You are not alone in this. This scenario plays out in many AS to NT relationships. The people on this forum have vast practical knowledge and are here to help you and your husband.

Cheers
Turk
 
Wow! Turk, I wish my husband could have lunch with you!!
I too have a medical condition - a pretty severe eating disorder, which my husband has definitely contributed to. He just read the symptoms of AS this morning before our marital session and was shocked that every symptom matched him. So I think progress is being made in this diagnosis and acceptance. Not sure what the future holds. But I will lean on you all heavily. Thank you so very much for your support. It means the world and makes me feel like I am not crazy or alone.
 
Coming to terms with what he is and how he has behaved is a big cultural shock. He will need time to adjust. At least that was the case for me. im only to happy to share my past and how I moved forward, if it is of any help. Im not terribly proud of it, but dealing with the past is part of moving forward and living an honest life
 
Waves, while I obviously can't say for sure what's going to happen, I think this "soft" diagnosis is a positive first step. You and your family will need to sit down and have more than one discussion as your husband (hopefully) learns how to control his anger and his tendency to rely on ironclad rules.

But I do not think you should feel obligated to stay in the marriage---especially not for fear of what he might do. If you do ultimately decide to leave, it will have an effect on the kids, but you can be there for them as they cope.
 
I have to be honest: reading your post, I wasn't entirely sure what to think.

But then I got to the part about your children. You fear what a divorce would put them through. But I think staying in this situation would be far worse for them. If your husband's outbursts are terrifying your son and reducing your daughter to tears, that's what we call a RED FLAG. Aspergers or no, that's just unacceptable.

I don't know enough about you to make a solid suggestion, but I think you may be mistaken about what would be best for your kids. I encourage you to keep going to counseling, but this issue with your children I find worrisome. Hopefully your counselor has a full grasp on this situation. I don't know if this marriage is salvageable, but I think you need to weigh the options concerning what would REALLY be best for your kids.

wyv
 
ridingthewaves said:
Thanks Checkered,

I am afraid of my husbands response if/when I initiate a divorce. He is 100% devoted and wants desperately for me to stay. He says he loves me deeply all the time and is apologizing for all his past mistakes. I am afraid of what he'll do if/when I leave. His world will crash down. He has said all he has in life is me and the kids.
Click to expand...

I'd think such very valid concerns are probably best addressed to a family law professional. The attorney who would potentially handle your divorce. No doubt they'd have plenty of practical experience in such issues pertinent to both before and after the divorce.
 
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Have you talked to your kids about this? Asked for their advice?
(They're clearly old enough to understand and be articulate about such things.) If you are worried about the effect such things might have on them...well, the best persons who can tell you about that effect will be they themselves.
And i mean actually ask. Before, deciding. Like you asked us. Not just inform them after you've already decided what you're doing.
They can tell you more than we can.
I definitely would have appreciated it if my mom had done that.
 
Ste11aeres said:
Have you talked to your kids about this? Asked for their advice?
(They're clearly old enough to understand and be articulate about such things.) If you are worried about the effect such things might have on them...well, the best persons who can tell you about that effect will be they themselves.
And i mean actually ask. Before, deciding. Like you asked us. Not just inform them after you've already decided what you're doing.
They can tell you more than we can.
I definitely would have appreciated it if my mom had done that.
Click to expand...

I agree, but with reservations. Such a conversation could have its own consequences. How would they take it? Would they then tell their dad? Just because they happen to be teenagers doesn't necessarily mean they would be fully equipped with the emotional maturity to handle it well.
 
wyverary said:
I agree, but with reservations. Such a conversation could have its own consequences. How would they take it? Would they then tell their dad? Just because they happen to be teenagers doesn't necessarily mean they would be fully equipped with the emotional maturity to handle it well.
Click to expand...
If the current situation is so painful and terrifying to her children as you expressed concern that it might be, they will probably understand the reasons and what is going on.

In the event of a possible future separation, it's far better to have some sort of mental preparation beforehand, than the shock of it suddenly happening. I am speaking from the perspective of someone who has been the teenager in such a situation.
 
Ereth said:
This is why the whole family needs to sit down and talk things through, IMO.
Click to expand...

Hi Ereth,

I know what you're saying is well meaning, but Riding has said her 16yo daughter is so scared of her father that with his last outburst, she crawled into the fetal position in her mothers lap. I really don't think opening a discussion like that with the father there is going to encourage the kids to be open and honest about how they feel. Besides, he would probably feel ganged up on, and then who knows how he would react.
 
I wish you all were here so I could give each of you a hug! You all have mine and my children's best interest at heart.

My husband and I "play house" well. And in the past several months, despite the outburst that landed my daughter in my lap, he has managed his anger well. The kids are slowly warning up to him and testing his emotions some.... allowing themselves to call him out on his anger and irrational rules. However, I've noticed they do it when I am around.

I am not sure which is the best choice. I know they love their father and there are laughs and good times. But I know they easily get fed up with him too - when he gets controlling and his rules dominate the house.

I will ask our marital therapist next week. He told my husband today he is definitely aspergers-like and "on the spectrum" for sure. He wants to meet with us individually next week to sort through this more. So will approach him with this to see what his professional opinion is.

If it were up to me, I would be securing a divorce attorney today.
 
I agree with Ereth, Waves. I think the whole family needs get together and have an open and honest discussion about the situation and give everyone enough time to talk, so everyone can understand where each other is coming from, and effecting every one else.

You have your Husbands loyalty aspie characteristic which may be a help for you.

Fell free to P.M me when ever you want for an alternative point of view.
 
Christy said:
Hi Ereth,

I know what you're saying is well meaning, but Riding has said her 16yo daughter is so scared of her father that with his last outburst, she crawled into the fetal position in her mothers lap. I really don't think opening a discussion like that with the father there is going to encourage the kids to be open and honest about how they feel. Besides, he would probably feel ganged up on, and then who knows how he would react.
Click to expand...

Fair enough. I think a family meeting could be successful with the right mediator, though. But I also said there is zero reason she should feel obligated to preserve a marriage in which the children are terrified. If the anger is that much of an issue that it would interfere with even a family discussion meant to promote understanding, then there may not be a marriage left to save.
 
Thanks again everyone. I feel the love and support and that makes me strong.
I will have to defer to our therapist as I have a hot mess with my eating disorder I need to deal with now.... another "thank you" to my husband......
 
Riding waves; You may also find help here as well for eating disorders as some members have been through it as well.

All the encompassing power to you.
 
Thanks, Warwick. The controlling nature of my husband hasn't helped me in this regard. And the ED provides a nice shield in dealing with him.
 
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