• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Why some (unhappy) people don't follow advice

Judge said:
I've also considered smiling and making eye contact to be part of my masking. Done quite deliberately to pacify or reassure NTs in my presence. While I know how and why to do it, it will never be natural for me to do as such.

These days, quite frankly I wouldn't feel compelled to do so in a conversation with one of my own kind. I can fake an appearance of being Neurotypical, but there's never going to be any methodology to actually make me become as such.
Click to expand...
Masking is something you do to "fit in." In my hospital example, a smile (from a neurotypical) conveyed caring and reassurance at a time when I felt vulnerable. The teacher who smiled at me wasn't trying to fit in, he was just flashing a smile of recognition.

Or have you ever been hospitalized and had a grouchy nurse... and other times, a "nice" nurse who smiles and seems to care? It makes a difference in how you feel!

With my husband who has dementia, sometimes I do mask my true feelings, because he needs the warmth and encouragement. It's a sacrifice I am making willingly to be a good caregiver to him. The motive for this masking is not to "fit in," make friends and influence people. The motive is to make my mate feel better and keep the overall tone in our household positive.

Like I said above, you never know what another person may be going through. This is reason enough to be a warm, accepting person. The fact that good things come back to you is just a bonus!
 
GadAbout said:
A warm smile directly to another person is a gift. You don't know what that person is going through, it could actually save their life!

This was borne out to me when I was walking through a hospital feeling glum after a barium enema. (Sorry, TMI, but I had to make a point here!) Suddenly I passed a teacher I knew, who smiled very warmly at me, for no apparent reason. I resolved then and there to gift the world with as many warm smiles as I could muster.

It costs nothing, and it makes the world a better place.
Click to expand...


Clearly you are on a different part of the spectrum than I am. In the beginning so many of us rejected the notion of the DSM-V in terms of autism manifested on a spectrum of traits and behaviors. Yet eventually I began to get it...accept it and identify it relative to my own existence. It's ultimately what makes us Aspies all highly individualized, even if we are all technically autistic.

In this instance I can understand what you are saying as a kind and positive sentiment. However I'm simply incapable of feeling it personally. To me this reflects why terms like "high functioning" may well be out of place under such circumstances. Unless of course you want to claim that you're just "higher functioning" than I am. If you are, I can live with it. ;)

Seriously though, a smile used only to preface a social encounter just won't happen naturally for me, any more than someone pitching sarcasm my direction in an expectation that I will understand it. It just won't happen and it's not indicative of "can't means won't".

For those of you who in fact can "learn" and put such behavior to good purpose, good for you. And if you can't, well....the line starts here. :oops:
 
Last edited:
Judge said:
Unless of course you want to claim that you're just "higher functioning" than I am.

If you are, I can live with it. ;)
Click to expand...
Laughing ... no, I would never do that!

I just accept that you are different than me, no value judgment.

But getting back to the point of this thread, a simple skill like smiling could actually make a positive difference in an autistic person's life, but if they are in Stage 1 (or Stage 0 as someone suggested), they don't see the point of all that.
 
GadAbout said:
Laughing ... no, I would never do that!

I just accept that you are different than me, no value judgment.
Click to expand...


LOL. Totally agree. :cool:

It's just weird at times to really come to terms with one's limitations relative to the neurological divide between the Neurodiverse and the Neurotypical.

For me this is another one of those useful threads that truly reminds me that yes, I AM on the spectrum of autism. And it's ok. :)

GadAbout said:
But getting back to the point of this thread, a simple skill like smiling could actually make a positive difference in an autistic person's life, but if they are in Stage 1 (or Stage 0 as someone suggested), they don't see the point of all that.
Click to expand...

You still bring up a valid point. Forcing us to ponder whether or not one can get beyond understanding Neurotypical traits and behaviors enough to employ them where it might be beneficial to us. It is indeed that point where one must "step out of their own autistic skin" to view things from a perspective clearly not their own.

Though I can't help but also wonder if even the ability to rationalize this may be "neurologically void" for some. Which might explain why they can be told as such over and over again, yet always assume the issue is with another party and not themselves. I suppose it's entirely possible neurologically speaking. I'm not sure. :confused:

This is one of those dynamics that both intrigue and disturb me at times. When on occasion I wonder that those who may be "further along the spectrum" than I am are in a better place. Not because of what they deliberately think, but rather the opposite. That which they are neurologically incapable of contemplating. Where there is no remorse or guilt about something.

Conversely in my own case for whatever reason, things like jealousy and envy are totally absent from my mindset. Though in life I've observed this to be a liability every bit as an asset at times as well. In my case, I'm not even sure if this is indicative of autism either. I suppose that's the reality of this scenario. That one can be both blessed- and plagued by such "neurological voids" if they truly have them.
 
Last edited:
Yes, but a autistic person knows their true limits. It's not my job to smile at everybody. That is a social behavior rammed down females on the planet. l was constanly told to smile as a teenager and really didn't like it. But l believe that the victim role held me back in my particular situation and once l no longer tolerated that thinking l was able to finally experience happiness in my life.
 
GadAbout said:
In mulling over why some people complain a lot, yet don't act on very appropriate advice, I am reminded of a model of behavior change I heard about in graduate school. Called the "Stages of Change Model," it defines readiness to implement change. Originally applied to smoking cessation, and later to alcohol abstinence, it might also apply to people with autism who view themselves as stuck and not able to do anything about it.

The six stages of change in this model are the following:
  1. Precontemplation ("not ready") – "People are not intending to take action in the foreseeable future, and can be unaware that their behaviour is problematic"
  2. Contemplation ("getting ready") – "People are beginning to recognize that their behaviour is problematic, and start to look at the pros and cons of their continued actions"
  3. Preparation ("ready") – "People are intending to take action in the immediate future, and may begin taking small steps toward behaviour change"
  4. Action – "People have made specific overt modifications in modifying their problem behaviour or in acquiring new healthy behaviours"
  5. Maintenance – "People have been able to sustain action for at least six months and are working to prevent relapse"
  6. Termination – "Individuals have zero temptation and they are sure they will not return to their old unhealthy habit as a way of coping"
Source: Wikipedia

It's unclear to me what can help a person move past the "precontemplation" stage, other than perhaps the right kind of psychotherapy. But I do use this model to "give up" on posts from people who are in Stage 1. I've largely disengaged from conversations where it appears the other person is never going to hear what I have to say.
Click to expand...

Thank you for posting this, l am able to see my progress in changing my behavior thought process. Sometimes l slip but l catch it immediately and l don't beat myself up. l am human, change comes and l work on myself everyday.
 
Aspychata said:
Yes, but a autistic person knows their true limits. It's not my job to smile at everybody. That is a social behavior rammed down females on the planet. l was constanly told to smile as a teenager and really didn't like it. But l believe that the victim role held me back in my particular situation and once l no longer tolerated that thinking l was able to finally experience happiness in my life.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I heard that a lot growing up.... along with "you're prettier when you smile" (which always made me frown, accidentally-on-purpose).

I don't feel it's my JOB to smile at everyone. I just think it's something I want to do. Even if I'm not feeling happy. If it's going to be a hardship to smile, I might not leave the house that day, which is my right, also.

There's a smallish local chain of hardware/home-improvement/discount stores here that somehow has created a pleasant, friendly atmosphere. Their staff are always nice and try to be helpful. I also notice that customers act the same way.

By contrast, when I shop at Home Depot, a huge chain, staff are not as helpful, sometimes not helpful at all. The whole place seems very impersonal.

Which store do you think I prefer to shop in?
 
GadAbout said:
a simple skill like smiling could actually make a positive difference in an autistic person's life, but if they are in Stage 1 (or Stage 0 as someone suggested), they don't see the point of all that.
Click to expand...

I just said to my wife 'A kind word costs nothing but means everything'

So this sort of stuff (like gratitude) I practice.

She is ill,so very often not able to contribute the way she wants to.
She can feel down as I'm doing the things she is used to doing.
So,if saying nice things is appreciated as a contribution it can make it easier for her.
As well as me.
(Anger can be a part of long term illness)

So I say things like the above.
It does make a difference to both of us.
I get very tired looking after her,all of that.

Negativity is death. Being positive can be practiced and learnt, I think.
 
It's a frustrating thing to me, when I not only understand it, but can agree and follow through with the idea that "kindness is contagious". But it just isn't contingent with me smiling in the process. :oops:

True confessions:

A few days ago I spent a number of hours "rewriting my own history".

Meaning I took a photo of me where I should have been smiling and wasn't. Indicative of a situation where that smile would have been socially and emotionally VERY beneficial to me.

So I did what I could to "photoshop" my own image...making me look like I was almost smiling, to match the person sitting next to me. I just wish I could truly "right my social wrongs" with that same person. But I can't.

Kind of sad, huh? I understand the concept. Yet I just can't follow through...which has sometimes cost me plenty in a world dominated by Neurotypicals. :oops:
 
Last edited:
Good point, l practice this everyday and it helps. But if the people l am dealing with aren't very nice to me then l pratice avoidance instead of smiling.
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
She is ill,so very often not able to contribute the way she wants to.
She can feel down as I'm doing the things she is used to doing.
So,if saying nice things is appreciated as a contribution it can make it easier for her....
Click to expand...
I'm sorry to hear about her illness. I feel you and I have something in common now.
 
Well I m darned if I m gonna Gift anyone with smiles. It's a neurotypical convention, and I am not neurotypical. It doesn't come naturally, and I am not gonna fake it to fit in, I d rather stand up for neurodiversity and be true to myself. I am kind and good and well meaning, and not everyone who smiles can say that.
 
A phrase I heard: People don't change until the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.

Seems very true to me.
 
I became a victim of my victim mentality, now l am becoming a victim of hypnotic trance, l walk in a compete disregard of those around me, which seems to bring on comedic relief in thinking that sub IQ aliens run the planet. I am starting to think planet earth is just a zoo and you need to carry peanuts to throw at the rat race.
 
Nervous Rex said:
A phrase I heard: People don't change until the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.

Seems very true to me.
Click to expand...

I am going to embrace my problems Buddha style. To flow and accept, and embrace, then we all come from the same place.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom