Why people with Autism aren't allowed to make mistakes (opinion)

[pelecanus87]

When people with autism make a mistake, NTs link the mistake to other autistic behaviors you've exhibited, and the mistake becomes part of a narrative of your maladaptivity. They may have previously viewed your behavior as a little strange and brushed it off, but now that you've made a mistake, they start to believe the mistake is part of the same strangeness they initially noticed. Now they're on high alert.

An NT's mistake is a one off. Our mistakes are part of a story of maladaptivity.

 

[Gerontius]

Well said @pelecanus87. I sometimes think we are not allowed to have bad days either, or to be really ourselves unless that's approved by someone else.
The whole thing is odd, isn't it?
I hope you are doing all right & I wish you all the very best.

 

[Aspychata]

Is this post about us being held to different standards?

 

[pelecanus87]

Is this post about us being held to different standards?

Yup.

 

[Lysholm]

I'd like to alter the assertion a bit:

NT's make tons of mistakes, however they concentrate more on excusing said mistakes, and so don't really care if they make a mistake as long as they have an excuse at the ready. Almost everyone shows solidarity toward this behavior because it benefits them.

ND's make fewer mistakes, but they confront them and look for cause-and-effect to study the situation and avoid a repeat. Confronting mistakes is what makes ND's stand out and alienated. Showing a tendency to accountability is the maladaptivity.

Of course, these are stereotypes.

-

I do want to add that, in the past, I've outright asked people very specific questions about my behavior and where the conflict lies. They never give a good answer because they don't know. They attempt to enforce their judgements despite having no underlying, articulable reason for their actions. After a while I stopped taking these incidents seriously - if they cannot point out the problem it's probably made-up. They make the consequences real, however, because it retroactively makes their phantom grievances real.

 

[NB79]

i think i have experienced, that when you try to impose yourself (having autism) what you do is seen as inappropriate, but when nt do it its all normal. i find it so unfair and infuriating.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

When people with autism make a mistake, NTs link the mistake to other autistic behaviors you've exhibited, and the mistake becomes part of a narrative of your maladaptivity. They may have previously viewed your behavior as a little strange and brushed it off, but now that you've made a mistake, they start to believe the mistake is part of the same strangeness they initially noticed. Now they're on high alert.

An NT's mistake is a one off. Our mistakes are part of a story of maladaptivity.

You raise a good point. There is a term for viewing all of someone's behavior through a diagnosis, which unfortunately I can't remember.

 

[Hypnalis]

Humans look for patterns in everything all the time. This can't be turned off.

When applied to other people this can lead to useful results, but there are some notable areas where it's caused a lot of unnecessary problems. Patterns of behavior are used to classify people as much as anything else.

Aspies definitely have some typical "Aspie behaviors" that aren't "NT-standard".
You can argue whether they are good/neutral/bad or mistakes/eccentricity etc, but NT's are the vast majority, so they set the standards.

IMO there are some choices we can make when we learn about a repeated "mistake" as adults. Here are some, but it's probably not a complete list:

* Continue without regard for the majority. This is ok if the behavior isn't harmful/disruptive to others, but the consequences are obvious, and should be accepted stoically
* Consciously, as an adult, modify your mask to adjust the behavior below the NT threshold for perceiving it
* Don't hide it, but adjust your unmasked behavior to accommodate NT preferences

NB: To me there's a significant difference between the second and third one.

 

[Luca]

You raise a good point. There is a term for viewing all of someone's behavior through a diagnosis, which unfortunately I can't remember.

Yeah. I can't believe I've never mentioned this on here before.
Don't know what the term is, but for my parents and the few other people in my life who know I am autistic and have mental health issues, all of my behavior/quirks/personality seems to be seen through the lens of diagnoses.
It feels like I'm constantly being analyzed clinically.

The way I describe how it is with my parents is that it seems like I'm not allowed to be emotional. If I react to something with a strong emotion, whether it's anger, excitement, sadness, stress, being opinionated, etc, it's immediately seen as a pathological behavior, and it's "because I'm autistic" or "because I have a mental illness."

My parents also tend to see things as "a behavior," like in a clinical sense, rather than just something I'm doing.
It feels like I'm not allowed to "just be."

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When people with autism make a mistake, NTs link the mistake to other autistic behaviors you've exhibited, and the mistake becomes part of a narrative of your maladaptivity. They may have previously viewed your behavior as a little strange and brushed it off, but now that you've made a mistake, they start to believe the mistake is part of the same strangeness they initially noticed. Now they're on high alert.

An NT's mistake is a one off. Our mistakes are part of a story of maladaptivity.

Context and perspective are important here. Certainly, what you've described can and does happen. However, not always. Sometimes it is us who recognize our "autistic moments", sometimes it is the other person, and sometimes they don't have any clue you are autistic and treat it as a "mistake" or "momentary lapse". The other thing to remember, most people have short memories and most people care more about themselves than others. So, don't allow your "autistic moments" affect your self-esteem, because, frankly, most people don't care or even pay much attention to them. "Paranoia will destroya"...The Kinks

Having said that, there is a small percentage of the population that are sociopaths, psychopaths, and insecure narcissistic individuals who will use those moments, and then attempt to exploit them in a toxic, manipulative way in order to "knock you down a few pegs" and draw attention towards themselves. Whenever possible, they will do it in front of others. Now, you can withdrawal in defeat, handing the other person the "win", or you can call them out on their insecurities and toxic behavior.

 

[Darkkin]

Welcome to the world of imposter syndrome...all we hear about is what we do wrong, so why should we believe you when you say we did something right?

We have no measurable context for such a thing. There is still room for improvement...this is how hyper-independence starts.

(It doesn't matter how good the grades, how many contests and awards are won, how high our education, or the empowering feedback we've received. We didn't earn it, don't deserve it. Some mistake was made. It isn't us.)

Make a mistake, it is all about the mistake, thusly you cannot ask for help without being chided or reprimanded, so you stop asking for help. You assume everything you do is going to be subpar, so you learn to let go of others' opinions. Learn to avoid people. You are responsible for you. They are not. The world owes you nothing and according to society, we are in debt for simply being who we are.

Thusly, we avoid contact. Disavow achievement, assume we are at fault, in error, or not working hard enough. We redouble our efforts and try to do better because the only left to disappoint is ourself.

 

[Jordy]

We make more mistakes than NT, constantly and more then you are ever aware of.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Yeah. I can't believe I've never mentioned this on here before.
Don't know what the term is, but for my parents and the few other people in my life who know I am autistic and have mental health issues, all of my behavior/quirks/personality seems to be seen through the lens of diagnoses.
It feels like I'm constantly being analyzed clinically.

The way I describe how it is with my parents is that it seems like I'm not allowed to be emotional. If I react to something with a strong emotion, whether it's anger, excitement, sadness, stress, being opinionated, etc, it's immediately seen as a pathological behavior, and it's "because I'm autistic" or "because I have a mental illness."

My parents also tend to see things as "a behavior," like in a clinical sense, rather than just something I'm doing.
It feels like I'm not allowed to "just be."

Yeah, it's agony. I can relate. I also have OCD (besides ASD), and some people assume my work ethic or precision is part of that. But that's not true. OCD is what makes me check the stove five times before going to work every day. Not what produces good work. I enjoy getting things the way I like them, so why does that have to be pathological, anyway? It's just because they don't enjoy it like I do, and my feelings are not factored in.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

We make more mistakes than NT, constantly and more then you are ever aware of.

We tend to make mistakes at things which are more natural for them. But, I don't agree that we make more mistakes. The NT world is not some utopia of great communication, ethics, and humility. It's given us a lot of issues we all now have to deal with.

 

[Owliet]

sometimes think we are not allowed to have bad days either, or to be really ourselves unless that's approved by someone else.

It often feels like this for me. Imagine being accused of ruining someone’s day because you are having a bad day and instead of listening or anything else supportive, its just “how dare you ruin my day“ but if they are having a bad day, everyone has to have a bad day. It is quite contradictory.

all of my behavior/quirks/personality seems to be seen through the lens of diagnoses.
It feels like I'm constantly being analyzed clinically.

Yes, what is super annoying is that my dad is most likely an undiagnosed ASD. Yet, everything i do, when I make a mistake or have a bad day or don’t understand something fully or have a difficulty with something, I get the “its your diagnosis, it is you being ASD” like I’m always being critically analyzed. I get really tired by it. Because it always seems like its my fault for everything.

OCD is what makes me check the stove five times before going to work every day. Not what produces good work.

I do something similar with closing a door. I have to check that it is fully closed 3 times before doing whatever I need to do.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

^ I do that with doors too!

 

[Hypnalis]

IMO you can make a good case for claiming that NT's make the same number of mistakes that we do, but they tend to make bigger mistakes.

This isn't provable because there isn't (and cannot be) enough data to make a comparison, but they certainly have a weakness for collective delusions that lead to unnecessary but extremely bad outcomes (e.g. WW1).

When a balanced negotiated outcome will obviously be best, there's always some lunatic that tries to squeeze out a better result for themselves by threatening an "unthinkable" result, and another lunatic that calls their "bluff".

"Ultima ratio regum" /lol.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Because the things we have a terrible time with, are the things that are second nature to most neurotypical persons.

Then again, without the neurodiverse, humanity would not have had such great advances in science and the arts.

 

[VictorR]

I don't see this as an NT/ND issue.

In my opinion, this is actually a majority/minority issue. Anytime someone of a minority (be it neurotype, race, gender, background, age or any other identifiable trait) and they do something "different" - that different will be default be attributed to that minority status.

 

[pelecanus87]

We make more mistakes than NT, constantly and more then you are ever aware of.

That's truly socially. I was thinking more in terms of at work or anything involving accuracy.