Why Men Are Walking Away From Dating

[Jonn]

I have an eidetic memory and I'm interested in an incredibly broad range of subjects, about the only thing I can't talk about is football which contrary to popular belief is not as popular as many people like to think. I have also travelled a lot and experienced a lot which gives me a lot to add to conversations.

That is fine, but my point is, NTs are known to prefer less in-depth casual discussions.
If you have a social group that is different, that is good to hear.

Then how do fat blokes always seem to end up with a hot girlfriend?

A fat wallet?

 

[Kayla55]

I think there's bots on dating apps that try to lure you in initially and also try to get you back when you quit. 'Such and such likes you', sends a message and then ghosts. Then they sell you these overpriced super likes that don't appear to cut through the noise. I expect there are gullible, compulsive 'whales' that make the companies the majority of their ill-gotten loot. It has a similar predatory micro transactional model that Free to play computer games do, combined with the subscriptional model.
It also has a feeling of a one armed bandit machine, perhaps I'll win the 1 in a 1000 jackpot this time.. *Crank*.. It's a very mean, bait and switch business model.
Or perhaps the lack of success was down to my incel bad attitude ! (Probably a terrorist)
I'm hearing these apps are having to downsize their operations, because people are getting wise. Good.

Even if just dating site, it's not really reputable service (in old sense of thinking) so don't expect Morales, and what you saying may very well be true. I don't gamble and even as advert on my pdf viewer, it's not acceptable by all. For those who don't get out much I understand questions and longing, but for some we avoid riff-raff like hectic noise. Keeping my life simple if trouble types and avoiding arguments with domineering or disrespectful people as when I melt down and start arguing it's unpleasant.
Since dawn of time corruption existed such as arranged marriages, many woman witnessed 'male fights' and after effect of financial suffering for 'wrong?' choices as in spent life battling for money. So a certain reality exists regarding: if one has no money they are nobody. Sadly the effect is profound. Some buy into this alter-reqlity others choose to go home after work and live own life.
When you meet obnoxious bully type of a guy, then it's clear what I'm talking about that not all mens perceptions or realities create for others is pleasant. As an aspie I'm guessing you'd really not like these types of men/women in real life, just think about it.
Refering to hot chicks is conforming to idea of sex objects vs I'm searching for a companion, and ref# to ho-calculator is often also this exact dynamic because in fairness it's also sm-calc where s- sex and m- money so I just realise large part of society is taking 2 to tango in this 'modern' dating scheme.

 

[Kayla55]

Setting up Asperger meet up club may be better idea. The longer the club runs the more well known, more members.
It can be casual social, meet other aspires, discuss interests, perhaps you see someone who you'd like to get to know better.
If consider effort is required for relationship, taking time to make meal the other likes, listening. Put in a bit effort to attract someone, and it may work because I think many Asperger's girlies end up issues dating NT and a little effort could go a long way.
Try dress nice, be at least attempting part time work or be studying. Try show interest in other person not just own interests.... I've had to learn to say more what I feel (even with blood family) as it tendency for us to appear as if we don't reciprocate. It took long time for me to understand why people give up when others more readily listening, responding

 

[Misery]

So they stalk around the place acting like predators and then don't understand why all women run away from them screaming.

Or they just sort of walk around glaring and looking gloomy, while just sort of expecting that women will come to them in droves or something.

Or a quick mumbled line at some girl behind a register, zero confidence, and then wondering why they didnt get a date immediately.

And no desire to address any of these... why do that when some influencer or Reddit group can tell them what to think?

Ya know, that's one of the things I find most disturbing these days. The tendency of many people to just sort of let others do the thinking for them. They wait for some blasted influencer or perhaps certain unscrupulous news outlets to just tell them who or what to be angry at, and what opinions to have, and they just go with it. Even if the stuff they are told is so nonsensical that it kills the very concept of logic with a hatchet and replaces it with a sack of discarded cat hair.

Like they just dont have any thoughts of their own. Only nonsense jammed in there by someone else.

And it's bloody hard to form meaningful relationships when there's nothing in their skull but a bunch of malware.

 

[Tired]

Then how do fat blokes alw

We have a saying on Serbian, which i can't really say here because it would be ultra censured, but basically it's "the one who constantly finds a woman to sleep with is not a pretty man, but a stubborn one." Definitely this saying works for one my colleague, who looks incredibly bad and fat, yet he's a nymphoman, got divorced from his wife and you can often see him with a new woman. And no, he isn't rich, neither does he have some char, he is also incredibly not smart.
Even when he goes to another country (for example when we had a team building), without knowing English or any other language he still somehow finds a woman. Me and other colleagues (both men and women) are just very confused by how he does it, so that saying fits him very well.

 

[Crossbreed]

Me and other colleagues (both men and women) are just very confused by how he does it,...

Popular pheromones...?

 

[Outdated]

Or a quick mumbled line at some girl behind a register, zero confidence, and then wondering why they didnt get a date immediately.

Many years ago I was watching a comedy movie with my sister. (Fat Pizza) At one stage in this movie the main characters were in a bar trying to pick up women and using all sorts of cheesy and highly offensive pick up lines. I burst out laughing at one of those pick up lines and my sister got angry with me.

I said "Come on, Lou. Blokes don't really say things like that." and she said Yes they do, all the time, and they're often offended when a woman is less than impressed.

I don't think I did well with women because I was anything special. I wasn't ugly but I was no advertisement for the body beautiful either. I'm not tall, I'm not rich, I don't drive a fancy car and I hate getting dressed up.

I think I was simply a default choice because when standing next to so many others I didn't look so bad.

 

[Kayla55]

Therapist said that "the matters of heart" take around half an hour to heal (if of course there was no death connected to it), and it took me around that time, actually. Guess I am indeed very neurotypical


Not sure what you mean. The men I met for friendships, even when they on their accounts had the same tag, after just a few meetings irl started telling me how they love me or tried to tell me that I would be a great mother for their kids. That is creepy. And no, they were not giving me red flags in the chat, that's why I did agree to meet them irl.


I live by this as well. Me and him still call one another "bro" and "bestie" sometimes, just because we got used to it. I can not imagine dating a man without firstly knowing him as a good friend.


I did. He made an account here, asked like one question and was done with it. If he has any autistic questions he is coming to me for some reason, guess because I learned a lot here. And he is also shy. And he hates that website is pitch bright white, it hurts his eyes.

I don't think testosterone is as much of a problem it's dependent on toxic masculinity and many videos point out about entitled women and same applies.
When look at advice given on women say like 5 things shouldn't say or no but this isn't clear, so gaslighting and denying someone is upset is a point but it's vague.
Let's say meet someone decide to first be friends, get to know one another. She thinks he's, what a nice guy; he hasn't pulled usual stunts, he treats me like a person. Many guys seem to want to prove their 'rights to have' on basis of work done as a provider, solely believe this equation in their head and the attitude sets wrong foot for a respectful relationship.
Working through insecurities really works, to get ahead in relationships and defining line between if it's autism or just general insecurity that lends your behaviour towards being somewhat abusive attitude with entitled drive. So it's not oh, I have this job in industry, as a man I'm a soldier so it's my right as opposed to did you bother to listen to what girl wants in life, her interests, were you kind and gentle, did you offer to help to show her you're protector.
It's attitidinal, and this isn't just dating but work cohabitation, making friends and having all round appeal of type of person who makes effort to fit in.

 

[Kayla55]

The #MeToo phenomenon may have caused men to be hesitant in approaching women, for a time at least.
Just a thought.

NT operate on different system, one largely objectified with ego. So NT girl will gloat at being picked up, an aspiring will stop and consider what is guy saying, generally less critical, if she's giving you cold shoulder not interested or the signal she gets from you is jammed.

 

[Kayla55]

Many years ago I was watching a comedy movie with my sister. (Fat Pizza) At one stage in this movie the main characters were in a bar trying to pick up women and using all sorts of cheesy and highly offensive pick up lines. I burst out laughing at one of those pick up lines and my sister got angry with me.

I said "Come on, Lou. Blokes don't really say things like that." and she said Yes they do, all the time, and they're often offended when a woman is less than impressed.

I don't think I did well with women because I was anything special. I wasn't ugly but I was no advertisement for the body beautiful either. I'm not tall, I'm not rich, I don't drive a fancy car and I hate getting dressed up.

I think I was simply a default choice because when standing next to so many others I didn't look so bad.

Had a while to consider my attempted dating history and being on forum has opened my mind to think what autism really does to us on spectrum of dating. I don't think it's that you not attractive, it's autism in that I don't try mix in circles with perfect muscle bodies, sports and image because I left gym realising I was doomed to be a geek. There's more about what I said on another thread a while back about spontaneous combustion - we just don't have this and even with masking we don't mask a dance, properly or portray the character in drama, we miss the points of emotions very often or I fail to express this. Many say autism lack facial expression or emotions. But that vague communication err. What I'm staying are inner workings of us.

 

[Jonn]

We have a saying on Serbian, which i can't really say here because it would be ultra censured, but basically it's "the one who constantly finds a woman to sleep with is not a pretty man, but a stubborn one." Definitely this saying works for one my colleague, who looks incredibly bad and fat, yet he's a nymphoman, got divorced from his wife and you can often see him with a new woman. And no, he isn't rich, neither does he have some char, he is also incredibly not smart.
Even when he goes to another country (for example when we had a team building), without knowing English or any other language he still somehow finds a woman. Me and other colleagues (both men and women) are just very confused by how he does it, so that saying fits him very well.

So much to unpack.

Firstly, saying:
"Fat men always end up with attractive girlfriends" is hyperbole, surely.
I'd like to see any studies supporting this.

Secondly:
"Persistence may ultimately prevail", but:
1. Tell that to the many lonely-hearts, NTs, and NDs, who have found this not to be the case.
2. How many "ugly men" actually do succeed compared to the entire male participants in the mating game?
3. And is quantity over quality really any indication of success?

Yes, IMO, women are more forgiving overall in regard to appearances, but there are limits, surely.

Also, consider different contexts:
- Are we talking about a short-term relationship?
-Are we talking about a relationship where offspring will be the intended end result?

Rationally, evolution favours a coupling of partners that produce offspring with a better chance of survival/success.
This even involves actual, literal chemistry between individuals, so I have read.

If a partner literally smells "off", this can be seen as an indication that the genetic combination may be incompatible with producing a viable, healthy human being.

"He is not rich either", you said.
Interesting.

Then what does he have to offer?
You said you don't know, but apparently, some women do.
Have you ever spoken to any of these women?

And consider:
What sort of women are they that are attracted to this seemingly unattractive man?

Are they the hot ones that Outdated has been referring to?
Are they women who have emotional issues?
Have they been abused by previous partners, and are looking for a sympathetic ear?

We really do need to dig more than a little deeper before we can make a serious assessment, surely.

 

[Jonn]

Popular pheromones...?

It is a consideration...

 

[Tired]

Firstly, saying:
"Fat men always end up with attractive girlfriends" is hyperbole, surely.
I'd like to see any studies supporting this.

I have no idea are his women attractive or not, his wife was fat as well.

"Persistence may ultimately prevail"

That's a lie, if that worked everyone would be happy, healthy, rich and with a partner. Persistence is better than sitting on the couch and whining, but it doesn't mean you will get a partner.

women are more forgiving overall in regard to appearances

Both men and women are more forgiving overall in regard to appearances, but of course i'm not saying about all men and women.

Have you ever spoken to any of these women?

No, why would I?

Then what does he have to offer?

He has his body, I guess that is enough for some women.

What sort of women are they that are attracted to this seemingly unattractive man?

Because all the women he finds are there just for sex, he finds women who need that and nothing else from him. He did have a wife, it didn't work well.

We really do need to dig more than a little deeper before we can make a serious assessment, surely.

Darling, that saying is half-joke half-truth, I am not sure why you got so philosophical on it
We can't know what he has to offer, we can't know what women like in him etc, you will just lose a lot of time on nothing. He is just one of the examples of "persistence can help." Other people on this forum are examples of "persistence doesn't always help."

 

[Tired]

Popular pheromones...?

I googled a lot about those pheromones and there is no scientific proof that we as humans feel it, and we aren't exactly mindless beasts, that someone may smell better doesn't mean we would immediately want to sleep with them. Of course people would choose good smelling person over a bad smelling one, but yeah that is not enough.

 

[Jonn]

Or they just sort of walk around glaring and looking gloomy, while just sort of expecting that women will come to them in droves or something.

Or a quick mumbled line at some girl behind a register, zero confidence, and then wondering why they didnt get a date immediately.

And no desire to address any of these... why do that when some influencer or Reddit group can tell them what to think?

Ya know, that's one of the things I find most disturbing these days. The tendency of many people to just sort of let others do the thinking for them. They wait for some blasted influencer or perhaps certain unscrupulous news outlets to just tell them who or what to be angry at, and what opinions to have, and they just go with it. Even if the stuff they are told is so nonsensical that it kills the very concept of logic with a hatchet and replaces it with a sack of discarded cat hair.

Like they just dont have any thoughts of their own. Only nonsense jammed in there by someone else.

And it's bloody hard to form meaningful relationships when there's nothing in their skull but a bunch of malware.

Are you suggesting the majority of unsuccessful men are gloomy, no-confidence, brain-dead stalker types?

Spoiler: joke

Oh, my!
I see myself in an entirely different light now.

Many autistic men males simply don't have a clue due to their social disability, which is presumably a result of a lack of "Theory of Mind", I would have thought.

 

[Jonn]

I have no idea are his women attractive or not, his wife was fat as well.

That's a lie, if that worked everyone would be happy, healthy, rich and with a partner. Persistence is better than sitting on the couch and whining, but it doesn't mean you will get a partner.

Both men and women are more forgiving overall in regard to appearances, but of course i'm not saying about all men and women.

No, why would I?

He has his body, I guess that is enough for some women.

Because all the women he finds are there just for sex, he finds women who need that and nothing else from him. He did have a wife, it didn't work well.

Darling, that saying is half-joke half-truth, I am not sure why you got so philosophical on it
We can't know what he has to offer, we can't know what women like in him etc, you will just lose a lot of time on nothing. He is just one of the examples of "persistence can help." Other people on this forum are examples of "persistence doesn't always help."

Spoiler: joke

She called me "Darling"...<sigh>

 

[Hypnalis]

Rationally, evolution favours a coupling of partners that produce offspring with a better chance of survival/success.
This even involves actual, literal chemistry between individuals, so I have read.

I believe (from an indirect source) that women can gain information about men's immune systems via their sense of smell, but that men can't do the same thing.

It explains the observed mating preference for people with complementary immune systems.
I don't believe that's the correct explanation for the particular example being discussed. though.

I've known a small number of people (3 or 4) who had a similar "dating profile", but didn't seem to be "physically attractive".
All of them had very good social skills, and achieved good in-group status because of that.
And it turned out that they also consistently misrepresented their emotional states and medium-term intentions.

After learning that I've always assumed it's a side effect of innate social skills and an empathy deficit that makes lying easy. So in current-day terms, probably some combination of "Dark Triad" traits at a low enough level that they don't get caught out and shunned.

There's another interesting parallel there too - IYKYK

 

[Crossbreed]

...that someone may smell better doesn't mean we would immediately want to sleep with them.

Even though the proposed sense organ is located alongside one's sense of smell, it is not perceived as an odor, good or bad.

• Favorable pheromones make us giddy around that person, no matter what they look like.
• Unfavorable pheromones make us repulsed, no matter what they look like.
• Family members and some non-family members give off familial pheromones that are comforting but not a turn-on.
• So many others give off seemingly neutral pheromones.

Who is who depends on the recipient.

 

[Tired]

Even though the proposed sense organ is located alongside one's sense of smell, it is not perceived as an odor, good or bad.

• Favorable pheromones make us giddy around that person, no matter what they look like.
• Unfavorable pheromones make us repulsed, no matter what they look like.
• Family members and some non-family members give off familial pheromones that are comforting but not a turn-on.
• So many others give off seemingly neutral pheromones.

Who is who depends on the recipient.

Many mammals possess a functional VNO (Jacobson's organ) that detects pheromones. Humans have a vestigial VNO, but it lacks sensory neurons, nerve connections to the brain, and the accessory olfactory bulb, making it nonfunctional.

I can't find any scientific studies which say that we indeed are affected by pheromones.

 

[Hypnalis]

I can't find any scientific studies which say that we indeed are affected by pheromones.

That makes sense.

Humans are unusual in that the "mating status" of females is "hidden" (not exactly, but in most mammals it's advertised, so the difference is significant). Pheromones to do the opposite would be inconsistent.

The ability to select mates that give any offspring better immune systems seems like a useful evolved ability though.
Diseases provide very strong evolutionary pressure, so you'd expect selection for systems that reduce the rsk of infection and the fatality rate.

IIRC there's even an example of selective evolution that provides resistance to malaria but has a fairly high negative cost. But one that must have been well worth "paying" in places where malaria was a significant risk.