Why Men Are Walking Away From Dating

[Outdated]

Because all the women he finds are there just for sex, he finds women who need that and nothing else from him. He did have a wife, it didn't work well.

That was me as well. Professional career women who didn't want a husband or children. There's a surprisingly large number of them out there. Many of these women also didn't want a full time relationship due to experiences of men trying to dominate and control their lives, they just wanted a trusted safe sex partner.

 

[FeatherBird]

I would take anything this person says with a very large grain of salt. She's just another person involved with the grift of making money off of lonely men. According to a couple of posts I found on Reddit, if you attempt to contact her, her "company" filters you off to someone recommending courses that costs hundreds of dollars.

I can give my own view: a lot of men are frustrated with dating because the playing field has changed. Women are a lot more educated, they know the game, they know what they want and what they don't want, so they are a lot less likely to put up with a guy who is passive to the point of being horizontal.

Get involved with hobby groups, ones where you have to show up over and over again, get comfortable with meeting new groups of people, don't have temper tantrums when the conversation doesn't go your way, and keep doing things that make you happy and keep you around other people. A guy I know in real life met a woman this way - he started by joining a bike club where he eventually met the woman who he is now with. It took a few years but they have gotten serious and are planning to marry. There I just saved you hundreds of dollars.

It's been recommended to me before that I join a social group in the hopes of finding a partner.

I don't like that idea. Here's why: If I joined a social group, met a woman through the group who I thought was into me, yet then asked her out..only to find out she's not into me, I'd quit the group.

Joining a group I'd probably end up having to quit sounds pointless.

I know the obvious rebuttal would be: If the group is for a hobby you enjoy, you don't lose anything by joining, even if you end up having to eventually quit.

Yet here's my counter-rebuttal: I don't want to develop an attachment to a group, only to end up having to quit. In that case, I'd rather never join at all. Because if I quit the group after the pain of a rejection, not only would I experience the pain of rejecton, I'd also experience the pain of having to give up a hobby I enjoy.

Okay but... if you're getting your stats from a dating site, aren't you getting your numbers from a limited pool of people? Not only that, but dating sites skew in favor of men. If there's more men, of course women are going to go for the men who appear more normal and have it more together than the schlubs on a dating site.

I mean... if people are on dating sites (and I mean no disrespect here) there's probably a reason why you're on a dating site. You're either not confident, lack social skills, or don't want to put in the work.

I've gotten dates from dating sites before.

Dating sites have their purpose. Personally, I like dating sites for the following reason: If a woman on a dating site rejects me, I can convince myself "You just don't know me; that's why you rejected me"

Yet if I get rejected by a woman I met organically, I need to face the possibility that the woman thinks I have some type of personal flaw.

Truth hurts. For men and women, you both have to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself and ask "What do I really offer the other person...that others are not?" I find it interesting that, in general, most women have a long list of criteria for the men they date, and for young men, well, it's pretty basic like "Does she show signs of youth, health, and fertility?" Older, more mature men, knowing there are a lot of beautiful women out there, are looking for someone to give them a sense of peace, relaxation, contentment, and happiness. It's a whole different dynamic.

It is competitive. Always has been since the dawn of time.

Now, more to the topic of the thread, there are both men and women who just find the whole idea of someone else in their lives to be a source of stress and even risk. They are happier living the single life. Perfectly fine as long as you've embraced the whole idea.

Having a partner comes with stress, you're right. In a way, I like the single life.

There are just certain scenarios where I wish I had a partner (going out to eat, going to events, going on vacation, etc)

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Having a partner comes with stress, you're right. In a way, I like the single life.

There are just certain scenarios where I wish I had a partner (going out to eat, going to events, going on vacation, etc)

That's kind of where my eldest son is at. He's a professor at a large university, plus doing research for biotech companies, makes decent money, heterosexual, yet after his failed 1-year marriage to his high school sweetheart, who was cheating on him for months, he was pretty messed up. Frankly, still messed up years later. He's living in an apartment with another male roommate, another engineer. They live the single lifestyle. Frugal, except for their massive gaming computers. He also likes to travel. He will sometimes bring his roommate to family gatherings, etc.

You're right in that I don't think many people truly do well on their own. There should be some "inner circle" of people around us, whether they are actually in the home, or not. What that looks like, a roommate, a life partner, whatever, might not as relevant as it may seem, but I do think it is a privilege and blessing to have someone in your life to share things with.

 

[FeatherBird]

That's kind of where my eldest son is at. He's a professor at a large university, plus doing research for biotech companies, makes decent money, heterosexual, yet after his failed 1-year marriage to his high school sweetheart, who was cheating on him for months, he was pretty messed up. Frankly, still messed up years later. He's living in an apartment with another male roommate, another engineer. They live the single lifestyle. Frugal, except for their massive gaming computers. He also likes to travel. He will sometimes bring his roommate to family gatherings, etc.

You're right in that I don't think many people truly do well on their own. There should be some "inner circle" of people around us, whether they are actually in the home, or not. What that looks like, a roommate, a life partner, whatever, might not as relevant as it may seem, but I do think it is a privilege and blessing to have someone in your life to share things with.

A roommate (or relative) isn't the same as a romantic partner.

Family loves you because they have to.

A roommate might become a friend, but even then, getting accepted as a friend is a lot easier than getting accepted as a romantic partner.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Do they offer to pay during your dates? That seems to be becoming rarer in Gen Z

When I meet my wife she always insisted on paying half, Even now she always pay as it is our money, having an accounting back ground makes easy.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

A roommate (or relative) isn't the same as a romantic partner.

Family loves you because they have to.

A roommate might become a friend, but even then, getting accepted as a friend is a lot easier than getting accepted as a romantic partner.

Agree that a good life partner is best, especially if there is love and intimacy.

...but I might disagree that family loves you because they "have to". There's a lot of families, my own included, where that might not be the case.

 

[Jonn]

Having a partner comes with stress, you're right. In a way, I like the single life.

As I keep on saying, some people aren't designed for the stresses involved in a committed relationship.
Many of us have comorbidities that make having a significant other extremely difficult.

For example:
I have very bad ADHD.
This was the primary reason for the failure of my last relationship.

I suspect that if Neonatal had ADHD, he wouldn't have the life he has today.

There are just certain scenarios where I wish I had a partner (going out to eat, going to events, going on vacation, etc)

You don't need an intimate partner for that.

Spoiler: joke

Pick me up on Saturday at 6 pm.
Baseball, or football?

But no funny stuff.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I suspect that if Neonatal had ADHD, he wouldn't have the life he has today.

True. I am a highly focused and disciplined individual.

 

[Tired]

I have very bad ADHD.
This was the primary reason for the failure of my last relationship.

Would it have been easier for you if your SO also had ADHD? Or would that be even worse?

 

[Tired]

But no funny stuff.

I am afraid funny stuff is partly what he wants from a partner

 

[Jonn]

True. I am a highly focused and disciplined individual.

I've noticed.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Welcome to the club so am I

 

[Jonn]

Would it have been easier for you if your SO also had ADHD? Or would that be even worse?

We both have ADHD.
It was a problem.

I just couldn't "sit" still...
I couldn't just chill out...
And we had different special interests.

It was also an online relationship, which had problems I wasn't aware of previously.
Experience gained.

These days, I am intimidated by the thought of a GF/BF relationship.
I can't handle the responsibilities associated with that.
I need a great deal of alone time, as do most who are on the mean of the autistic bell curve.
As a result, I prefer to have a close friend/companion interaction.

Bottom line:
Not everyone is suited to being in a committed significant other relationship.
Personal emotional stability really can't be compromised.
If it is, what hope is there for the partnership?
That is the point I wanted to make when I created this thread.

I am happy if people want to concept-meander.
We are Aspies.
It is what we do.

 

[Jonn]

I am afraid funny stuff is partly what he wants from a partner

Well, he ain't getting that from me.

 

[FeatherBird]

We both have ADHD.
It was a problem.

I just couldn't "sit" still...
I couldn't just chill out...
And we had different special interests.

It was also an online relationship, which had problems I wasn't aware of previously.
Experience gained.

These days, I am intimidated by the thought of a GF/BF relationship.
I can't handle the responsibilities associated with that.
I need a great deal of alone time, as do most who are on the mean of the autistic bell curve.
As a result, I prefer to have a close friend/companion interaction.

Bottom line:
Not everyone is suited to being in a committed significant other relationship.
Personal emotional stability really can't be compromised.
If it is, what hope is there for the partnership?
That is the point I wanted to make when I created this thread.

I am happy if ppl want to concept-meander.
We are Aspies.
It is what we do.

I require a decent amount of alone time too.

I'm conflicted. I want some of the perks that come with a relationship (And no, not only that perk. Get your mind out of the gutter...laugh emoji). But at the same time, there are certain levels of commitment I'm unable to abide by (For example, spending every second of every evening together is my idea of torture. And sleeping in the same bed? Forget about it)

Interestingly, when a female autist I know was briefly separated from her husband, she said watching TV together in the evening and sleeping in the same bed were the 2 things she missed the most about having a relationship. I wonder if male autists are more likely to require a decent amount of alone time (in addition to the 2 of us, I've also heard of other male autists requiring a decent amount of alone time)

 

[Jonn]

I require a decent amount of alone time too.

I'm conflicted. I want some of the perks that come with a relationship

Well, you are a young man.
You will see things differently when you are my age.

(And no, not only that perk. Get your mind out of the gutter...laugh emoji).

My mind is always in the gutter.
Please continue.

But at the same time, there are certain levels of commitment I'm unable to abide by (For example, spending every second of every evening together is my idea of torture. And sleeping in the same bed? Forget about it)

I am the same.

Interestingly, when a female autist I know was briefly separated from her husband, she said watching TV together in the evening and sleeping in the same bed were the 2 things she missed the most about having a relationship. I wonder if male autists are more likely to require a decent amount of alone time (in addition to the 2 of us, I've also heard of other male autists requiring a decent amount of alone time)

Well, it would depend on the individual, but at a guess, I would say that the average autistic male would have a problem.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I require a decent amount of alone time too.

I'm conflicted. I want some of the perks that come with a relationship (And no, not only that perk. Get your mind out of the gutter...laugh emoji). But at the same time, there are certain levels of commitment I'm unable to abide by (For example, spending every second of every evening together is my idea of torture. And sleeping in the same bed? Forget about it)

Interestingly, when a female autist I know was briefly separated from her husband, she said watching TV together in the evening and sleeping in the same bed were the 2 things she missed the most about having a relationship. I wonder if male autists are more likely to require a decent amount of alone time (in addition to the 2 of us, I've also heard of other male autists requiring a decent amount of alone time)

My brother is also on the spectrum his wife loves traveling, he never goes with her. My wife shops goes for walks or works on the DNA stuff so I may not see her for hours suits me fine.

 

[Jonn]

I believe (from an indirect source) that women can gain information about men's immune systems via their sense of smell, but that men can't do the same thing.

Nothing would surprise me in this unregulated world.

It explains the observed mating preference for people with complementary immune systems.
I don't believe that's the correct explanation for the particular example being discussed. though.

I've known a small number of people (3 or 4) who had a similar "dating profile", but didn't seem to be "physically attractive".
All of them had very good social skills, and achieved good in-group status because of that.
And it turned out that they also consistently misrepresented their emotional states and medium-term intentions.

After learning that I've always assumed it's a side effect of innate social skills and an empathy deficit that makes lying easy. So in current-day terms, probably some combination of "Dark Triad" traits at a low enough level that they don't get caught out and shunned.

There's another interesting parallel there too - IYKYK

While I seem to be an outlier in regard to the degree of fidelity to the Truth, I have the impression, due to decades of mixing with various Autist communities and casual research, that our mean/average of Truthfulness is higher than the NT mean, even with the advent of the internet.

In the NT universe, deceit is a valuable diplomatic tool, imo.
It oils the social mechanism.

I constantly notice how some ppl skirt the Truth to cater to the emotional sensitivities that ppl have.
I am conflicted here, but truthfulness, or lies through omission at worst, overwhelmingly wins.

 

[FeatherBird]

Well, you are a young man.
You will see things differently when you are my age.


My mind is always in the gutter.
Please continue.


I am the same.


Well, it would depend on the individual, but at a guess, I would say that the average autistic male would have a problem.

As for why male autists are perhaps more likely to need a lot of alone time than female autists: Perhaps because a woman is more likely to want an emotional connection with a partner (an autistic woman is still a woman...and an autistic man is still a man)

 

[FeatherBird]

My brother is also on the spectrum his wife loves traveling, he never goes with her. My wife shops goes for walks or works on the DNA stuff so I may not see her for hours suits me fine.

I enjoy travel (in fact, I'm toward the end of a long day of travel right now)

I see where travel would be problematic/difficult for some autists though.

On the flipside, some autists can easily do certain stuff I have a hard time with.

As my counselor likes to put it "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism"