Why do some girls hardly initiate?

[ProfessorOptics]

Why do some girls hardly initiate with texts, but will go out with you, kiss you and show signs of attraction when together with you? Is it an indication of low attraction, interest, or is it due to shyness, low esteem?

 

[Fino]

I think it might be due to ingrained social etiquette, maybe? Almost like the really old "knight in shining armor" thing where the guy is always the one pursuing the woman.

And I know exactly they how they feel because I'm doing exactly as you describe as we speak LOL I'm not even entirely sure why. I went out with a guy once, was just like you described they are and made it clear I liked him, but I have never messaged him first. It's not a lack of interest or any of the other things you said, in my case, and I suspect many others. A part of me says, "If he really wants me, then he should show it!" Then I'm like, "Doesn't the same apply to me?" But then I'm like, "Nahh, he's gotta do it or it ain't happening." I don't know why, sorry!

And go ahead and pretend I'm a girl for the purpose of your question and my answer, cause I'm definitely acting like one.

It's even possible the girl is thinking constantly, "Why isn't he texting me!" and complaining to her friends but still won't text first. I've had girls complain to me like this. If I ask, "why don't you just text him?" they'll moan, "I caaaaan't." Sometimes they worry they'll come off as needy or something.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I think it might be due to ingrained social etiquette, maybe? Almost like the really old "knight in shining armor" thing where the guy is always the one pursuing the woman.

And I know exactly they how they feel because I'm doing exactly as you describe as we speak LOL I'm not even entirely sure why. I went out with a guy once, was just like you described they are and made it clear I liked him, but I have never messaged him first. It's not a lack of interest or any of the other things you said, in my case, and I suspect many others. A part of me says, "If he really wants me, then he should show it!" Then I'm like, "Doesn't the same apply to me?" But then I'm like, "Nahh, he's gotta do it or it ain't happening." I don't know why, sorry!

And go ahead and pretend I'm a girl for the purpose of your question and my answer, cause I'm definitely acting like one.

It's even possible the girl is thinking constantly, "Why isn't he texting me!" and complaining to her friends but still won't text first. I've had girls complain to me like this. If I ask, "why don't you just text him?" they'll moan, "I caaaaan't." Sometimes they worry they'll come off as needy or something.

I don't know. I'd like her to initiate more, and not leave me to do all the initiating. We have known each other for just over a month, she is aware that I'm an Aspie, and I have to remind myself everyday that we are not in a relationship.

I'm worried that she may not fully realize what it means for me to be an Aspie, and what the potential implications for her could be. That little things do bother me, even though I know they shouldn't. Things like: her not reading my messages, or blue-ticking me, makes me worry that she is ignoring me, when a part of me is telling me that she is just busy, and she's not my girlfriend so I have no right to demand her time. Or that when she does text me, it's usually short, and doesn't long last long. My thoughts are "She doesn't want to talk to me."

I'm worried that she one day witnesses a meltdown, and leaves because it's "not what she signed up for". Or that she sees dating an Aspie as being too much for her. Yes, I know, if she can't accept it as part of me, then she isn't the right girl for me. I can be demanding, mostly as a result of my PDA sub profile. And I worry that that is turning her off, or away from me. And naturally, my anxiety is getting the better of me.

Part of me is tempted to invite her to my next session with my therapist, in the hopes he can explain to her clearer, from NT to NT, what being an Aspie/PDA means to both me and to her. I'd explain it myself, but i have no way of doing that without making the conversation solely about me.

 

[SusanLR]

I do the same.
In person I can show acts of affection, attraction and happiness when we start talking on a shared interest subject.
But, to initiate a text is different.
1. The biggest reason I think is because of the old ingrained into us from mothers and grandmothers
that women should allow the man to do the pursuing.
It could seem agressive and perhaps overwhelm the old ingrained idea that the man should be the dominate
which might take away some feeling of masculinity.
These are old mannerisms that keep getting passed down through society.
So personally my reason is I don't want to chase the guy off by appearing too bold.

@ProfessorOptics : All your insecurities also are felt by me as an Aspie female.
So that lurks in my mind also.

 

[Theta.G]

Either the person has a busy life -or-... if you met them through a dating site which online-shopify's people... then likely they have many suitors and are talking to someone else.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Could be all sorts of reasons. Ingrained social etiquette (that women are supposed to be passive and wait to be pursued), lack of interest, shyness, being too busy, being forgetful, or maybe she is just generally bad at/dislikes messaging. Text is such a cold and impersonal method of communication, she could just not feel any social obligation to reply.

 

[Autistamatic]

Some women in traditional dating terms will see texting as impersonal and even cowardly. "If he likes me why can't he tell me to my face?"
Whilst very few hetero women are looking for an "alpha male" they will still want to see signs of commitment and attraction from any potential long term partner. You can't get that from a text or email and the phone isn't much better.
If you want to kick-start things with this girl do it face to face or not at all. If that means you have to be patient until she's finished her exams then so be it. If she's worth it you'll wait, which may well be a thought that's occurred to her too
Good luck with it and don't jinx it by pestering her with texts.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I do the same.
In person I can show acts of affection, attraction and happiness when we start talking on a shared interest subject.
But, to initiate a text is different.
1. The biggest reason I think is because of the old ingrained into us from mothers and grandmothers
that women should allow the man to do the pursuing.
It could seem agressive and perhaps overwhelm the old ingrained idea that the man should be the dominate
which might take away some feeling of masculinity.
These are old mannerisms that keep getting passed down through society.
So personally my reason is I don't want to chase the guy off by appearing too bold.

@ProfessorOptics : All your insecurities also are felt by me as an Aspie female.
So that lurks in my mind also.

So does that mean it's incorrect for a male to chase after a female?

Either the person has a busy life -or-... if you met them through a dating site which online-shopify's people... then likely they have many suitors and are talking to someone else.

No doubt. We aren't in a relationship, so she can see and talk to whomever she pleases. We met through a friend, actually, she was dating a friend, and when they broke up she came to me. It was known from the start that there was mutual attraction.

Could be all sorts of reasons. Ingrained social etiquette (that women are supposed to be passive and wait to be pursued), lack of interest, shyness, being too busy, being forgetful, or maybe she is just generally bad at/dislikes messaging. Text is such a cold and impersonal method of communication, she could just not feel any social obligation to reply.

I couldn't agree more. I hate texting, even phones, causes a lot of anxiety for me because I easily misinterpret messages. I prefer to see her in person, but I don't want to be constantly inviting her over. I want to invite her over this weekend for a day, but I already set a date with her for next friday. I also saw her on Tuesday. I want to spend time with her, but I can't demand her attention 24/7. So I don't know how often to invite her over, etc.
I try not to message her all day everyday. Like I may chat for a few minutes before school or in the evening before she goes to bed, and end the conversation if she hasn't replied for awhile, with a GIF or message wishing her a good day/night.

Some women in traditional dating terms will see texting as impersonal and even cowardly. "If he likes me why can't he tell me to my face?"
Whilst very few hetero women are looking for an "alpha male" they will still want to see signs of commitment and attraction from any potential long term partner. You can't get that from a text or email and the phone isn't much better.
If you want to kick-start things with this girl do it face to face or not at all. If that means you have to be patient until she's finished her exams then so be it. If she's worth it you'll wait, which may well be a thought that's occurred to her too
Good luck with it and don't jinx it by pestering her with texts.

Yea, i figured. As i mentioned above, I hate texting and phones in general. I try not to pester her with texts, I'd rather see her in person, but I don't know how to do that without being overzealous/needy.
She even asked my mother, when she was still dating my friend, if she could stay over with us for the duration of her exams. Her home situation doesn't give her much chance to study. That wasn't a good idea, because my brother just started seeing someone who'd probably have a heart attack if she found out a girl was staying over with us. We agreed to let her come to us during the day if she wanted to.

I'll wait, but not forever. I do want to see her as much as I can, but I won't stick around waiting forever if she isn't interested in anything long term. She is worth it, but not worth a lifetime of waiting lol.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I think I'm going to send her one last message for the day when she's done with her classes, saying:

"okay, I hate texts/phones, too much miscommunication and grey area for me to tolerate .

I'd rather just see you in person whenever possible, but I know you are very busy at the moment and I have no right to demand more of your time than what you can currently give.

I'm free tomorrow and Sunday if you want to come over for the day on either of those days you are also still welcome to come study here whenever you need. You can make use of our study ☺ If not, I'll see you next Friday "

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm the opposite. Far too keen and needy.



Is this the girl who you posted about with the boyfriend?

 

[ProfessorOptics]

Is this the girl who you posted about with the boyfriend?

Yea, they broke up lol well he broke up with her.

 

[TheFreeCat]

People are terribly complex. Most of us can't even figure out ourselves, let alone try to understand the behaviour of others.

 

[Breezy19]

well not to repeat what was said above but theres kind of a double standard set with relationships for girls because we are taught as girls from the time we're young kids that we shouldnt chase after guys but if a guy chases us its okay so we grow up kind of expecting the guy will start the talk every time . theres also the simple matter of not just not knowing what to say to start a convo . im just going off what i experienced growing up bc tbh i dont swing that way . hope you get the answers you are looking for

 

[BraidedPony]

I would not text her with your needs during her exams. That will come off as needy and inconsiderate. She needs your support right now not texts about how you are feeling about not texting.
It would be good if you could offer something supportive while she is so busy like something to eat while she studies, a back rub after an exam(if that doesn’t seem too intimate) or foot massage, take out her trash, wash her dishes, drive her to an appointment...
Girls are taught that they are to never call a guy, period. After you are in a relationship, calling or texting first is OK, but not before you are in a relationship.

 

[BraidedPony]

https://enterpriseessentials.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/male-brain-1.jpg
Lol...men a easier to understand

 

[Ailuvkatz325]

Why do some girls hardly initiate with texts, but will go out with you, kiss you and show signs of attraction when together with you? Is it an indication of low attraction, interest, or is it due to shyness, low esteem?

So you'd rather have them never really show physical attention and just have them text you only instead?

 

[Bolletje]

I agree with some of the posters above: women are taught that it’s not ladylike to pursue someone. They’re taught that you have to let a man pursue you and win you over. Some women may refrain from initiating contact for these reasons, some may do it because they enjoy the feeling of being chased (therefore being in a position of power). And then there’s the obvious ‘she’s just not that into you’ as an alternative explanation.

I’m a woman who does take initiative and does actively pursue people I like. I’ve found that many men are turned off by that, having been raised with the same idea that a man is supposed to do the chasing. Quite a lot of men I’ve met are actually offended in their masculinity when I am the one doing the chasing. Some even got angry or called me a lesbian (which doesn’t even make sense, but oh well). I can’t mind that much in the end, because a man whose ego is too fragile to handle a forward woman isn’t a man I’d want to be involved with anyway.

 

[Fino]

I made an account on a dating website once and it had a LOT of questions and some were about this very thing! Feelings on initiation and such. Maybe a dating website that considers that as part of its algorithm would be useful. It would be difficult for people of opposite world/dating/gender views to work very easily.

 

[offkey]

The difficult thing about love/relationships is that thinking often doesn't help you.

 

[aspieandconfused_87]

I think it might be due to ingrained social etiquette, maybe? Almost like the really old "knight in shining armor" thing where the guy is always the one pursuing the woman.

And I know exactly they how they feel because I'm doing exactly as you describe as we speak LOL I'm not even entirely sure why. I went out with a guy once, was just like you described they are and made it clear I liked him, but I have never messaged him first. It's not a lack of interest or any of the other things you said, in my case, and I suspect many others. A part of me says, "If he really wants me, then he should show it!" Then I'm like, "Doesn't the same apply to me?" But then I'm like, "Nahh, he's gotta do it or it ain't happening." I don't know why, sorry!

And go ahead and pretend I'm a girl for the purpose of your question and my answer, cause I'm definitely acting like one.

It's even possible the girl is thinking constantly, "Why isn't he texting me!" and complaining to her friends but still won't text first. I've had girls complain to me like this. If I ask, "why don't you just text him?" they'll moan, "I caaaaan't." Sometimes they worry they'll come off as needy or something.

I kind of go back and forth when talking to girls if I start to feel I am always initiating a conversation, one of two things usually happen:

1. I decided they are not that interested in me or just using me as a sense of entertainment and/or validation, to test this I usually do:

2. Purposely stop texting to see if they start a conversation if I wait long enough, if they do not initiate a conversation again I figure that my first conclusion is right and they will move on to talking to someone else if they haven't already.

However if they do message me I take this a good sign and continue as normal, eventually I ask them out if I feel things are going well enough and they seem to be responding at regular intervals and in a consistent way.

But if I start to see signs that their interest in waning (i.e. they start responding with more short answers, start taking longer to respond, seem less enthused or interested in talking, not contributing to the conversation, etc..) that is when I do the same or just cut them off all together as they are not worth my time and energy.

I have learned if you text to much or are always the one to start a conversation it usually comes off as clingy or desperate and/or it becomes the expected behavior and I feel it should go both ways and it should be equal levels of effort from both people if they are both interested in each other, I have read lots and lots of forum's and articles and the general consensus seems to be this, if a girl likes you she will put forth the effort to talk to you or be around or spend time with you, if you ask a girl out and she always has an excuse or says she is busy, move on as she isn't that into you, if she hasn't responded in more then a few days to a week to a message or phone call, do not message more then once or twice after 24 hours, give her a few days (I would say 2-3 at the most) to respond just in case, stuff does happen, but if you do not hear from them assume she is not interested anymore and has ghosted you (or possibly something has happend and she can no longer use a phone or communicate, what ever that may be), accept it and move on to the next one.

As a disclaimer, I have had a very poor luck with dating myself, I can get dates but they don't usually go anywhere, I have only be in a hand full of relationships in my 31 years of life, the things I have said here are my own experiences and opinions and should be taken with a grain of salt as everyone's experience varies.

I am sure I am not the greatest catch out there, I am overweight, balding, pale, hairy, lazy, introverted, blunt, don't make a lot of money, don't have a very nice car, don't have the best sense of style or humor, I am opinionated, stubborn, have self esteem issues (obviously), and not very confident when it comes to relationships and females. However I am intelligent, I am resourceful, I can be sweet, I can be thoughtful, even sometimes romantic, I can be charming in spurts, I can make people laugh, I have on many occasions greatly impressed people, I am talented in many things, I am good at what I do for a living, I am fortunate to be where I am today in my life and career, and I have ambition.

I have my pros and cons (probably more cons then pros, depending on what someone values in a partner), but the point I am trying to make is try to just find someone who likes you for you, someone who makes an effort to talk to you and spend time with you on their own and/or at least putting forth as much effort as your are putting in, and I am not a shinning example of this but try to just be yourself, don't try to be someone who you think someone wants you to be.

Best of luck,

Brent