Why do some girls hardly initiate?

[offkey]

Without self-acceptance and kindness for yourself, you won't be able to let others into your life and they won't be able to enter.

For me, being troubled by a chain of disappointments, it's kinda hard to break through that traumatic pattern, to get out off my head, and into my body, actually feeling. But that has to be the key.

I should permit myself to feel and accept what I feel, instead of retreating into my mind. That's what I'm trying now, and even though it's hard, I feel better. Strange and anxious to, but I allow myself to feel that way, and it's actually kind of relieving.

 

[Mary Terry]

I agree that females' reluctance to initiate contact with males is largely cultural. I certainly was raised with the rule that "nice girls don't do that".

I also think there is something deeply embedded in the psychology of women that goes back to the days when pregnant women could not run from the proverbial saber-toothed tiger and had to depend on males to protect them and their children. Women want the assurance that a man will take care of them, provide for them, fight for them, and selected them as mates above all others. A woman's blatant pursuit of a man is contrary to that desire.

 

[Pinecones]

Women are shamed for showing any interest in men or acknowledging their own sexuality. We're taught that by reciprocating you're being a whore. A lot of women are deeply confused by their own sexuality because of our culture. There's also a lot of mixed feelings about the safety or certainty of the man you're trying to initiate with. We're isolated, socially, and prone to huge levels of shame and criticism and judgement.

Being open, honest, compassionate, and patient is the healthiest thing you could probably do for a woman who's feeling confused or uncertain.

 

[Pinecones]

Also, the comments about how complex women are and how dumb and horny men are are nothing more than depictions of our cultural conditioning. It's insulting to both genders. From my experience men and women are both equally horny creatures. And neither party is "simple".
Men have a natural complexity and a great capacity for compassion, communication, love, and tenderness. Most are just shoved into a permanent state of hard dissociation as a child (i.e. suck it up and deal with it, stop crying, be a man, etc) and usually spend the rest of their lives checked out emotionally and throwing tantrums when they don't get what they want because they were disabled from nurturing and growing their inner selves, their emotions, and their ability to feel and connect with the world.

All humans have the same capacity and complexities. Gender is irrelevant. Understanding them and connecting with them helps to grow them and promote awareness of that.

 

[Fino]

Without self-acceptance and kindness for yourself, you won't be able to let others into your life and they won't be able to enter.

I've always disagreed very strongly with this and other similar cliche statements like "how can someone else love you if you don't even love yourself?" To me, it comes off as saying, "If you have serious self-esteem issues, you don't deserve love until you work that out." I dated for many years in great relationships, all the while struggling with self-hatred, self-harm, etc. They helped with that. Lack of self-acceptance doesn't disqualify anyone from anything.

 

[offkey]

Thank you for your interpretations, but none of those are what I am saying, nor what I am trying to convey.

I'm glad that you found people with whom you've had great relationships and who were able to help you. It would never occur to me that you didn't (or don't) deserve a relationship.

Perhaps the explanation for our difference in opinion is that we have different ideas about and expectations of relationships. In my view (and experience) it's not possible to have a relationship based on equality, if self-acceptance is largely absent. But that may be me.

 

[Fino]

I also don't think attempting total equality in a relationship is realistic. Of course I wouldn't suggest blatant inequality or some sort of abuse, but relationships are never 50-50. There is always one who likes/loves the other more, and there's always one whose personality or desires are expressed in ways that appear to or do require more work for them, causing a perceived or actual inequality. Someone in this thread said things about how he wants it to be equal, tests the other person to see if they will text back in close to equal proportion, then ended by saying he doesn't do well with relationships, generally. The desire for equality is based in ego.

 

[Xerces Blue]

https://enterpriseessentials.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/male-brain-1.jpg
Lol...men a easier to understand

I really hate this mentality, because it isn't true.
There are some key things this leaves out
Protectiveness
Sacrifice and Service
Ambition
Creativity

I know this is a joke but it's also an insult and sexist

 

[paloftoon]

I don't know. I'd like her to initiate more, and not leave me to do all the initiating. We have known each other for just over a month, she is aware that I'm an Aspie, and I have to remind myself everyday that we are not in a relationship.

I'm worried that she may not fully realize what it means for me to be an Aspie, and what the potential implications for her could be. That little things do bother me, even though I know they shouldn't. Things like: her not reading my messages, or blue-ticking me, makes me worry that she is ignoring me, when a part of me is telling me that she is just busy, and she's not my girlfriend so I have no right to demand her time. Or that when she does text me, it's usually short, and doesn't long last long. My thoughts are "She doesn't want to talk to me."

I'm worried that she one day witnesses a meltdown, and leaves because it's "not what she signed up for". Or that she sees dating an Aspie as being too much for her. Yes, I know, if she can't accept it as part of me, then she isn't the right girl for me. I can be demanding, mostly as a result of my PDA sub profile. And I worry that that is turning her off, or away from me. And naturally, my anxiety is getting the better of me.

Part of me is tempted to invite her to my next session with my therapist, in the hopes he can explain to her clearer, from NT to NT, what being an Aspie/PDA means to both me and to her. I'd explain it myself, but i have no way of doing that without making the conversation solely about me.

It would probably be too much to simply invite her to a therapist session. Wait until you know her really well to consider doing that, or if you're committed to each other, then you should feel like you can invite her to something like that.

For now, you can communicate/initiate with her, but don't be too detailed. Be detailed in-person only unless you absolutely have to be detailed over text or phone talk. Texts should generally be short. You can also look around too, because maybe this isn't the one you want to end up with if she's dragging her feet and taking too long to decide. In-person, you can feel things out and build up to deeper conversation. You can consider telling her what you're telling us about the level of communication and interest you desire, but build up to that. Don't tell her all that right away. Ask lots of questions- like is she okay with talking about sharing deeper things and feelings and things like that. Good luck. I know how you feel. If a girl you're interested in initiates or you feel you can be that deep with that person, that is probably a person you should try to stick with. There is more than one possible option, but don't look for perfection. Go for what's "good enough" for you.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Why do some girls hardly initiate with texts, but will go out with you, kiss you and show signs of attraction when together with you? Is it an indication of low attraction, interest, or is it due to shyness, low esteem?

how about severely awkward appearance upon eye-contact ?,they also hardly initiate with interaction,also with flirting !