Why Can't I Eat Around People?

[OkRad]

It has been decades since my autism "hit" proper. It hit fast and one of the most marked expressions of it was that I stopped being able to eat around people. I could not eat at all at one point. That is still hard but I had to or I would die. However, I NEVER EVER regained the ability to eat around people.

Essentially, when I eat I go into a fugue like state. But it is not a real fugue like state because I am aware. NOT like dissassociation. It is more like VERY INTENSE concentration that I have to do or I cannot eat. I need that or I panic and half the time I panic even with that.

When others are around I cannot concentrate at all. It feels like I am stuffing a foreign substance into my mouth, feels like styrofoam, can not concentrate, feels terrible....

I can meltdown really really fast if I have to eat in front of others for more than 3 meals. If I am in hospital, I either stop eating or go liquid like Ensure. Every time I ever went to University, I lost about 10% body weight.

WHY???? I cannot understand it. please help me understand if it is you, too.

 

[toothless]

okrad,wow that is me to,i cant eat around other people.
for me it is a routine because i never interacted as a child and wanted to be in my own world away from people.
when i was sectioned in a intellectual disability hospital for four months around 4 years ago, i didnt eat,i was still prescribed ensure plus at that point but this horrible pyschologist based there took them off me to force me to eat,it took a long while but i began by feeling carrots with butter and eventually started eating them.i melted down many times in the process but i was just thrown to the floor and expected to get on with it when id stopped fighting them.
i was told i wasnt allowed to eat food in my room as they wanted to get me to start eating food around other people,so basically they ABA'd me.

if you feel comfortable eating on your own,dont change for anyone,but if youd like to change,its best to perhaps start by having a plate of one item of food,something you can just pick at with your fingers in front of one person, and do that for a long while before touching your mouth with it when you feel comfortable,then eventually if you feel ready;trying a bite.
i know its so difficult,-we might have different causes of our eating issue but its the same end,so i do understand how difficult it is to fight yourself and other peoples attitudes towards you over it.
youll come across so many people who dont understand,if im at a pub for example;i just tell people im not hungry but ill have a drink with them if theyre eating so they dont get offended.

 

[OkRad]

Toothless, you are amazing! You have been through so much. I cannot believe how many things we have in common. I cannot believe they did that to you. How could they do that? Why do all the most evil people work in places where people are the most fragile and vulnerable? My best friend had schizophrenia and he was hit on by staff and abused so much he killed himself!! And he was so much better than they could ever dream to be. {expletive deleteds!!!!}

As to the food......oh indeed, I do that a lot, say to people I already ate, etc. The trouble comes when I have to do anything, like school. It took me 13 YEARS to get through my freshman year of school because I could not navigate food . It makes no sense to me at all!

I have not had a single day in three decades where I was not TORTURED by food.

This will be a strong statement which I am about to say, but I have been sexually abused, so I know what it's like and what I am talking about......and this is just how it feels for me so I don't want to offend anyone.....however, when I say having to eat at least 2x a day is like being raped twice a day, I mean it. You close down. You have anticipatory terror then you phase yourself out when it is happening, then you have to recover which may take several hours. At first you are so pissed and vow every which way to get around it and fight back and not let the The Monster win......but the Monster does win. They only walk away when you are too beat to matter to them anymore. Then, when you think it's over.......they come back......it happens again and again. Then you realize it's NOT going away.........

I was able to get away from my abuser but not so with food. I am so traumatized by food. And to them, it was an "eating disorder". I was in hospital with girls with EDs and it was not an ED at all. Nothing to do with weight or how I looked. It was food, the Evil Beast.