Why are some people unreliable? What makes some people unreliable?

[paloftoon]

I took this from another forum. I think it’s so true. Context matters. It could be all of the above too. Unreliability once in awhile happens. Every time, though, is not cool. There are so many reasons...


Selfishness & lack of empathy
Laziness
Poor time management
Lack of funds
Just don't care...everything is a take it or leave it proposition at best
Too busy with work/family
Conflict avoidance-put off saying "no" until last minute
Moodiness
The small, routine things to most people are big things to certain people, and they let them get in the way, or use as an excuse from doing other less routine things.


None of these reasons are good, but some are worse than others.
If you know these are issues with you, it seems it would be good to tell your friend/partner/date something along these lines. Don't say it in a way that you are trying to use it as an excuse or cover up, but rather as a way to be honest and what you will try to work on because you care and respect yourself and the other people you are involved with.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I just accept unreliable people for who they are and adjust accordingly. I don't count on these people for anything nor do I invite them expecting them to show up.

The majority of them are good people deep down, they just have an annoying flaw.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Most people I know who are not reliable are not because they are struggling.

 

[Bedlamite]

In my day we referred to this type of person as "having no character". Another character trait of an unreliable person is they have no virtues. In my experience in life these people cannot be trusted and more often than not they are completely dishonest. Sadly, this describes a lot of people in our society. Can anybody spell politics?

 

[Pats]

I have several family members who are never on time to a social gathering. A 2:00 event - they show up at 4 or 5, even. They know it. We know it. If we are planning a 2:00 function, we tell them noon. They know we do that and they still show up late. What I don't understand and I have directly asked them - it isn't that they can't plan or manage their time - they know how to manage their time and make it to work in time every day. They can get to a theater before the movie starts. They can pick up their kids when school is out or have them their before it starts. So what is it?

 

[TheFreeCat]

I have several family members who are never on time to a social gathering. A 2:00 event - they show up at 4 or 5, even. They know it. We know it. If we are planning a 2:00 function, we tell them noon. They know we do that and they still show up late. What I don't understand and I have directly asked them - it isn't that they can't plan or manage their time - they know how to manage their time and make it to work in time every day. They can get to a theater before the movie starts. They can pick up their kids when school is out or have them their before it starts. So what is it?

You must not be a priority in their lives.

 

[Pats]

You must not be a priority in their lives.

I would feel that way, but it's not just my functions they are late to.

 

[Judge]

Indeed. Being "unreliable" can potentially cost you.

That's a subject insurance companies constant mull over regarding their policyholders. In this particular context people are divided into two categories. Both which can carry consequences in losing whatever insurance you have, and attempting to find another company willing to take you.

"Moral Hazard": Those who would deliberately seek to make fraudulent claims for financial gain.

"Morale Hazard": Those who are indifferent or ignorant in being responsible in attempting to avoid loss.

 

[Progster]

I'm a private language tutor, have a lot of problems at work with people being unreliable. Either students don't turn up, because they forgot to let me know that they can't come to the lesson, or the parents don't tell me because they forgot or were 'too busy'. I can understand someone forgetting to do do something, but I can't accept that someone didn't managed to find literally 2 minutes out of their time to write a short message - 'sorry, can't make it today' would suffice. Or they tell me at the last minute that they don't have their books or photocopied materials I sent them. Then they apologise, and that is supposed to make things better (in their mind), but it doesn't, because it happened, they created the situation and apologising won't undo that or change the way that I feel about it.

The underlying issue is that whatever they are doing in their life is always going to trump or be more important than my lesson or arrangement with them. It doesn't matter to them if they miss the lesson, it makes no difference to them because other things are more important, but it makes a huge difference to my life. I make a living from the lessons and rely on other people to communicate with me and inform me of their intentions so I can organise my schedule, but they don't see that, they are in their own little bubble.

What I don't get is that many run businesses themselves - would they ever stand up a business associate or client? Would they ever just not turn up to a meeting, or cancel a meeting at last minute? Of course not, that's bad work ethic. If a client were to make an order, and then cancel the order at last minute, they sure wouldn't like it. That is essentially what they are doing to me, but they either don't see it, or don't care. I don't undertand how they can apply work ethic and standards in their own jobs, but not to me.

 

[Bedlamite]

I'm not a sociologist and have never performed any research on the subject matter but up to this point, after reading everybody's comments, I would like to throw another possible aspect into the conversation. What is everyone's thoughts on these character traits being "learned behavior" or "environmental conditioning"?

 

[TheFreeCat]

I'm a private language tutor, have a lot of problems at work with people being unreliable. Either students don't turn up, because they forgot to let me know that they can't come to the lesson, or the parents don't tell me because they forgot or were 'too busy'. I can understand someone forgetting to do do something, but I can't accept that someone didn't managed to find literally 2 minutes out of their time to write a short message - 'sorry, can't make it today' would suffice. Or they tell me at the last minute that they don't have their books or photocopied materials I sent them. Then they apologise, and that is supposed to make things better (in their mind), but it doesn't, because it happened, they created the situation and apologising won't undo that or change the way that I feel about it.

The underlying issue is that whatever they are doing in their life is always going to trump or be more important than my lesson or arrangement with them. It doesn't matter to them if they miss the lesson, it makes no difference to them because other things are more important, but it makes a huge difference to my life. I make a living from the lessons and rely on other people to communicate with me and inform me of their intentions so I can organise my schedule, but they don't see that, they are in their own little bubble.

What I don't get is that many run businesses themselves - would they ever stand up a business associate or client? Would they ever just not turn up to a meeting, or cancel a meeting at last minute? Of course not, that's bad work ethic. If a client were to make an order, and then cancel the order at last minute, they sure wouldn't like it. That is essentially what they are doing to me, but they either don't see it, or don't care. I don't undertand how they can apply work ethic and standards in their own jobs, but not to me.

They do this all the time. How often do you go to a Dr and he's an hour late? Or you go to a business and people are not following rules, or if they are, the rules are so watered down, an infant could follow them. People on FB while you are waiting for a helper, a dr not knowing an answer to a simple question, people making assumptions based on a YT video........

Being late? That is chump change these day.

There are many books out now that talk about how the internet is changing us. We prefer to be alone. We cannot reason like our ancestors. I am not even saying it's bad. But , yeah, people WANT their own head space and don't want you in it unless you are filling a specific need.

It's scary. I try to avoid people as much as possible, because it's a noticeable change to what I remember.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I'm not a sociologist and have never performed any research on the subject matter but up to this point, after reading everybody's comments, I would like to throw another possible aspect into the conversation. What is everyone's thoughts on these character traits being "learned behavior" or "environmental conditioning"?

Agreed. Environment. If we were in North Korea, we sure as heck would be on time.........!

 

[Nervous Rex]

Because game theory. The reward they get for being reliable is not as great as the reward they get for being unreliable.

 

[Pats]

I'm not a sociologist and have never performed any research on the subject matter but up to this point, after reading everybody's comments, I would like to throw another possible aspect into the conversation. What is everyone's thoughts on these character traits being "learned behavior" or "environmental conditioning"?

Don't go along with the learned behavior or conditioning. And I say that because out of 4 kids, raised in the same home, 2 are punctual and 2 are not. I think it's more of a disregard for others according to their own self worth.
@Progster yes, it infuriates me when there's no notification. This past summer a family was dealing with a crisis and I agreed to keep their dog here for the day. The dog was not a problem and gets along with mine. But what did get to me was when they didn't pick the dog up that evening as they said they would - and I didn't hear from them. The next day - same thing. The 4th day, I had plans and dropped the dog off at their house, putting it in the house with a cute little note as if the dog had written it - "my babysitter had to go out of town and brought me home...." It wasn't the dog, it was the lack of communication. I had no problem keeping it longer - just, please, let me know if that's the case. Same family, same crisis, I let her son stay here during the day while they were doing what they needed to do. Day 2, again. Day 3 again. No problem until day 4 and after when I don't know whether to expect him or not and I can't make plans for myself that I had been postponing so I could babysit. I would ask and literally not get an answer or told they would let me know later that evening, but no one would bother to let me know. THAT's what does me in.

 

[Pats]

Because game theory. The reward they get for being reliable is not as great as the reward they get for being unreliable.

Yes, this makes sense. Reward for being on time to work - is you get to keep your job and you get paid. Reward for being on time for movie is that you get to see the entire movie. Reward for arriving on time for social event - no reward. Funny, this year for our Christmas get together - unintentionally trying the reward thing - told them I had some giveaways (stuff I picked up last year after Christmas sales) and it was first come first pick. LOL I really wasn't thinking of it as a reward system when I said it. But, we'll see if it works. lol

 

[TheFreeCat]

<Face palm> People are selfish? No...........

 

[TempeFan]

I would feel that way, but it's not just my functions they are late to.

The nicer you are, the less respect people have for you and the more others take advantage. Sometimes people feel it's OK to hurt family because family is stuck with you and will put up with that crap. What can they do? Fire you from the family? Family functions are stressful. A lot of people have mixed feelings about attending at all. The one family member they are on the outs with or who they feel uncomfortable around is probably gonna be there and cause a scene. Yet if they don't show at all, then somebody else will be mad at them. It's a passive aggressive way of controlling others.

 

[TempeFan]

Because game theory. The reward they get for being reliable is not as great as the reward they get for being unreliable.

Not just rewards but lack of consequences. People behave badly even when there is no benefit. People who chose to behave this way seem to do it more out of habit. Instead of asking themselves, "What should they do? They only ask, "What can they get away with doing?"

The underlying issue is that whatever they are doing in their life is always going to trump or be more important than my lesson or arrangement with them. It doesn't matter to them if they miss the lesson, it makes no difference to them because other things are more important, but it makes a huge difference to my life. I make a living from the lessons and rely on other people to communicate with me and inform me of their intentions so I can organise my schedule, but they don't see that, they are in their own little bubble.

Perhaps you should require non-refundable payment in advance. Most professionals state their cancellation policy right up front and charge a no show or late fee if the appointment is cancelled or postponed without 24 or 48 hours notice. An unreliable friend is one thing but this is your livelihood. They are not just stealing your time, but also your money.

 

[tlc]

In my day we referred to this type of person as "having no character". Another character trait of an unreliable person is they have no virtues. In my experience in life these people cannot be trusted and more often than not they are completely dishonest. Sadly, this describes a lot of people in our society. Can anybody spell politics?

I think the opposite. It often seems the most unreliable people have the most character. They are creative and make themselves the center of attention when they explain why they didn't show, and most other times too. Seems the folks who are reliable don't have the drama, and are sadly considered without character.

I have several family members who are never on time to a social gathering. A 2:00 event - they show up at 4 or 5, even. They know it. We know it. If we are planning a 2:00 function, we tell them noon. They know we do that and they still show up late. What I don't understand and I have directly asked them - it isn't that they can't plan or manage their time - they know how to manage their time and make it to work in time every day. They can get to a theater before the movie starts. They can pick up their kids when school is out or have them their before it starts. So what is it?

My sister exactly. And I guarantee it's going to be this way when we get together for Christmas. We all end up waiting around for her to show. We say 2-3 and she shows 5-7, always goes on about how hard it is to get her 2 teenage daughters out the door, or some other thing. I bring a teenage daughter too and it's not a problem. My mom knows I can't eat late so I just eat without her anyway.

Thing is she probably got it from my dad. I hated it growing up. The rest of us would be in the car waiting to go. Then he would go around fixing the fire, checking the locks, doing all the things he knew he had to do to begin with. We would always get to birthday parties after the cake and presents were done. Always got to movies after they started. It was sad. Because of that I refuse to be that way.

I work with people like this too. They are like 15 minutes or more late every single day. I can understand once in awhile but they've been doing it for over 20 years.

I think some people just can't bring themselves to believe the simple truth, including how much time it takes to do something. I've lost track of how many times I've heard these same people say things like "I can get to town in 10 minutes" when town is over 20 miles away. My mind immediately does the simple math and I tell them no way, you'd have to be going at least 120 mph and never slow down or stop. Then they try to argue with me and say I don't know what I'm talking about, they do it all the time. I say whatever and let it go, it's not worth my time.

 

[GadAbout]

Well, you know, it could always be a deficit in executive functions.