Why am I so unlucky?

[Misty Avich]

I was hoping this day would never come. My stupid cousin has announced she's pregnant. My other female cousin has been offered a well-paying job where she will get to retire in her 50s, and now my other female cousin is pregnant. So they're super happy and my aunt will now be preoccupied with this baby. That will mean they'll move, probably be offered a council house - something I've always wanted. Here's me, lost my mother due to cancer, am poor as anything, worrying about my job, worrying about being homeless in the future, and everything works out for everyone else. And to top it all off I'm cursed with this horrible autism which is the reason why my life is so crap through no fault of my own.
I hate my life. Everyone else getting pregnant and having babies, here I am, a loser. I'm so done. I'm done with life. I'm a crappy horrible person, I'm a liar, a transphobe, a homophobe, a racist, a troll, been called it all by horrible nasty people online who I'm going to get my revenge on but still unsure how.
Just so depressed right now, thinking of putting my head on the railway tracks. I have nothing to live for. My cousin can go and have her stupid, smelly, ugly, bawling brat. I don't want anything to do with it. I'll be dead anyway, then I can be with my mum forever.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I'm really sorry that you feel so bad. You're not a loser, you're a unique and wonderful person. Please call someone you know and trust, right now. Please. If you don't know anyone, call your country's professional mental health hotline. And if it's really, really bad, call 911 (or 112 or whichever's your country's emergency number is). Please do that.

 

[kriss72]

Don't listen to the bad people calling you things on the Internet, I know it is difficult, but try to not compare your self to others, there are always some that have more luck in life, but looking at them doesn't help - You are a unique living person that have a difficult life, that is not a looser!

 

[JoSchi]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. What helped me, was focusing on myself. I'm not comparing myself to other people and do stuff that I enjoy. It's ok to be jealous sometimes, everyone is from time to time. And your autism makes you special, you have to accept it to get there. We might have abilities that others don't.
Don't give up on life that fast please. I'm sure you're a wonderful person.

 

[Misty Avich]

I just feel like one compared to my cousins who are all NTs. And they all have their mothers. I'll never be able to get pregnant, I have all sorts of problems down there, plus my severe anxiety issues and hypersensitivity to pain and crippling phobia of vomiting just literally stops me from getting pregnant. I'm jealous of everyone else who just goes and gets pregnant without all these fears and worries stopping them, and I'm jealous of everyone in my family. I hate myself. I hate my brain.
My aunt reassured me many times that my cousin and her partner don't want a baby, and I was hoping it just wouldn't happen. She is getting past the childbearing age. Everyone around me is falling pregnant. Why do people have to have babies for?
Most of my school friends live near my cousin, they all have babies and are on her Facebook, I bet she'll probably build up friendships with them now and meet up with them now that she's in the "I have a baby!" club. Unlike me. A stupid, gutless wimp.
I wish I were a man, then I'd be able to have a biological baby without ever having to get pregnant.
Things always work out for my cousin. They always have done. I'm so done. It just makes me realise how pathetic I am.

 

[Misty Avich]

Don't want abilities that others don't. I just want to be normal and less conscientious.

 

[Misty Avich]

If it weren't for me my mum would still be alive anyway. I was a horrible child to her, and brought her loads of stress in adulthood when I was younger. Only when I finally did pull myself together, get married and move out, she got diagnosed with cancer. So she could never be proud of me. Well she was proud of me but it was understandably hard for her to be happy for others when she's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was ill and frightened. But when she was well and healthy, I treated her like crap.
My aunt has taken her place as my mum but now that her daughter (my cousin) is having this kid now everything's going to change and nothing will be the same again. It really sucks. It really does. I'm sunken into a horrible depression. I'm at work, couldn't afford to take a day off, but my heart just isn't in it, I'm just doing my work in a daze and walking past people not making eye contact. This is really not like me at all. This is the worse news I've had since my mother was diagnosed with cancer.
My cousin's all like "I have some brilliant news!!! I'm pregnant!!!" Yeah, brilliant for you perhaps. For me, you might as well have just kicked me in the face. I haven't replied to her text yet (the text I was hoping I'll never receive). I'm in no fit state of mind to go "ooohhhh that is excellent news, congratulations, I am really happy for you". No, I just can't. Not going to put anything.
I feel really bad, because she's so happy and I was the first cousin she's told. I feel so bad for feeling this way. But I can't help it. Maybe I'll accept it in time, but right now I'm still not over the initial shock.

 

[Mary Terry]

It's unfortunate that you cannot have children since you apparently want to, but there is no reason to hate people who do. There is no legitimate reason to hate your cousin just because she is pregnant and her mother, predictably and appropriately, is excited about having a grandchild. Jealousy is not a useful emotion.

 

[JoSchi]

I think your main problem is, that you're thinking and talking about yourself as a super bad person. This will pull you down a lot. It's okay that other people want a baby, I do the same. They don't get pregnant to tell you that you suck, but because they want to have kids. Things are working out for your cousin because (I guess) he's working for it and telling himself that he can do all of this. My life changed when I accepted my condition and just looked at it like it's a good thing. If you keep telling yourself that you're worthless, you'll be feeling like this and wasting your time. Self-pity is not healthy at all, it will stop you from growing.
Why can't you have a baby?

 

[Misty Avich]

I never said I hated my cousin.
I know they're not getting pregnant to make me feel bad.
My cousin is a she not a he.
I've already explained why I can't get pregnant.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Misty Avich, please do not be resentful. Recently I was and it was ruining my relationship with my spouse. I had to let it go. As Saint Augustine said; "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I do hope that you will work through your current difficulties to at least be content in your life. I know that changing the status quo is frequently upsetting to us, so also recognize that life is change. We may be unable to control that change, but we always are able to control our responses to it.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was content with my life, well apart from the fact that I lost my mother but I was coping just about. Now I'm suddenly reminded that everyone else is luckier than me and I'm just always going to be hopeless.

 

[Misty Avich]

I forgot to mention that my cousin's partner is a drug dealer and half the town are his customers. Not a very suitable environment to bring up this kid. I think she's just having this thing because everyone else is, not because they consciously want a family.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I was content with my life, well apart from the fact that I lost my mother but I was coping just about. Now I'm suddenly reminded that everyone else is luckier than me and I'm just always going to be hopeless.

It seems to me that your feeling content and your self-worth have been very fragile, though, if these news are causing you such great despair that you are doubting your will to live. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? I understand wanting a child and not being able to have one can be absolutely devastating. But you haven't "failed" by not being able to get pregnant. It's sad, but it's in no way your fault, and it doesn't decide about how much you're worth. If you had a child, would you tell them that their entire self-worth depends on their ability to procreate?

It's okay that you're feeling resentful towards your cousing right now and were shocked by those news. Everyone has the right to feel their feelings. It wouldn't be fair to let those feelings out towards your cousin, since she didn't intentionally harm you. But if you're feeling angry and sad, there are other (healthy) ways of letting out those feelings. For example, by hitting a punching bag, by going somewhere alone and scream, by putting on deafeningly loud music, by writing a hateful, furious letter to your cousin where you let everything out but DON'T send it, but instead burn it.
It's important to not let those feelings of resentment take over your life, but you are absolutely justified to feel them right now and to blow off steam, while not hurting anyone during it.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I forgot to mention that my cousin's partner is a drug dealer and half the town are his customers. Not a very suitable environment to bring up this kid. I think she's just having this thing because everyone else is, not because they consciously want a family.

That is obviously unfortunate and your feelings that it's not fair that they, out of all people, are going to have a child while you don't (at least that's what I'm getting from it) are valid. It's perfectly okay to feel sad and angry and resentful. But you know they didn't do it to spite you. The important thing right now is taking care of yourself and those feelings while not letting it all out against them. If necessary, even leave town for a while if that's in any way possible for you.
If the child will be in danger, you can always call child protection services (but don't do it as a form of revenge, please, do it only if you see it necessary).

 

[Misty Avich]

It seems to me that your feeling content and your self-worth have been very fragile, though, if these news are causing you such great despair that you are doubting your will to live. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? I understand wanting a child and not being able to have one can be absolutely devastating. But you haven't "failed" by not being able to get pregnant. It's sad, but it's in no way your fault, and it doesn't decide about how much you're worth. If you had a child, would you tell them that their entire self-worth depends on their ability to procreate?

It's okay that you're feeling resentful towards your cousing right now and were shocked by those news. Everyone has the right to feel their feelings. It wouldn't be fair to let those feelings out towards your cousin, since she didn't intentionally harm you. But if you're feeling angry and sad, there are other (healthy) ways of letting out those feelings. For example, by hitting a punching bag, by going somewhere alone and scream, by putting on deafeningly loud music, by writing a hateful, furious letter to your cousin where you let everything out but DON'T send it, but instead burn it.
It's important to not let those feelings of resentment take over your life, but you are absolutely justified to feel them right now and to blow off steam, while not hurting anyone during it.

Thank you for understanding. It's all I need right now. It's helped venting about it here. I melted down this morning when I first saw the message, and my husband thought it was ridiculous for me to react this way to a family member being pregnant. He's right, but I just can't help it. We've had other births recently in the family and I dealt with those all right, but with this particular cousin it's just come as a shock. She mentioned ages ago that she wanted a baby but then nothing was mentioned since, and my aunt said that due to weed and cocaine my cousin's partner's sperm count is low. They didn't seem bothered anyway, and just carried on their lives going to hippie conventions (music festivals where people are high on drugs), getting drunk, and spending all their money on their hobbies which are not exactly baby-friendly.

I won't take out my jealousy on her, in fact I don't want her to know about this at all. But I am just not in a fit state of mind to be all happy congratulations. She's always been the type that you just can't imagine getting pregnant.

Someone mentioned the status quo. That is very true for me. This particular cousin has always been the closest to being on the spectrum, although she's always had a better time making friends and doesn't seem to feel anxious about anything, so that makes me doubt she's anywhere near autistic. But she's always been odd and quirky. I'm not saying odd, quirky people can't have babies, but it still gave me that bit of comfort that she'll probably always be similar to me regarding life's choices, as in always being in a low-paying job, living in a privately-rented apartment, and not having many friends as an adult. Now she's going to have this thing I know that life will change for her; she'll get given a council house and she'll be in the mother-baby club so will probably draw attention from them especially when she announces it on Facebook. I don't get why women who have babies get so lonely, I don't think it makes you lonely. They form a little group and have their babies in common, and other women with babies get all "oooooh, you're having a baby, I know what that's like, I'll love to see the little bundle of joy when it's born, oooooooh how brilliant!" That's what it'll be.

Makes me feel depressed and isolated.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you for understanding. It's all I need right now. It's helped venting about it here. I melted down this morning when I first saw the message, and my husband thought it was ridiculous for me to react this way to a family member being pregnant. He's right, but I just can't help it. We've had other births recently in the family and I dealt with those all right, but with this particular cousin it's just come as a shock. She mentioned ages ago that she wanted a baby but then nothing was mentioned since, and my aunt said that due to weed and cocaine my cousin's partner's sperm count is low. They didn't seem bothered anyway, and just carried on their lives going to hippie conventions (music festivals where people are high on drugs), getting drunk, and spending all their money on their hobbies which are not exactly baby-friendly.

I won't take out my jealousy on her, in fact I don't want her to know about this at all. But I am just not in a fit state of mind to be all happy congratulations. She's always been the type that you just can't imagine getting pregnant.

Someone mentioned the status quo. That is very true for me. This particular cousin has always been the closest to being on the spectrum, although she's always had a better time making friends and doesn't seem to feel anxious about anything, so that makes me doubt she's anywhere near autistic. But she's always been odd and quirky. I'm not saying odd, quirky people can't have babies, but it still gave me that bit of comfort that she'll probably always be similar to me regarding life's choices, as in always being in a low-paying job, living in a privately-rented apartment, and not having many friends as an adult. Now she's going to have this thing I know that life will change for her; she'll get given a council house and she'll be in the mother-baby club so will probably draw attention from them especially when she announces it on Facebook. I don't get why women who have babies get so lonely, I don't think it makes you lonely. They form a little group and have their babies in common, and other women with babies get all "oooooh, you're having a baby, I know what that's like, I'll love to see the little bundle of joy when it's born, oooooooh how brilliant!" That's what it'll be.

Makes me feel depressed and isolated.

That's perfectly understandable and alright. I'm sorry that your husband reacted like this. A close relationship should, in my opinion, be a safe space where you can show your initial reactions, even if they're "unreasonable" (not saying yours, just in general) and irrational, and not have them devalued.
In a smaller range, I reacted by freezing and crying when my partner told me a few years ago about wanting to take a doctorate position which would demand him taking a year off his studies, meaning that we wouldn't graduate together. I knew my reaction was irrational and completely unreasonable, but I couldn't help feeling abandonded, disappointed and very sad that we wouldn't be in the same lecture halls anymore and graduate together. A few days later, when I had calmed down, I clarified things and congratulated him.
It's natural to react emotionally to things, and it's perfectly okay. You're allowed to feel devastated about this. Your self-image was/is somehow linked to your cousin being in the same situation as you. That's something you could/should probably work on long-term: Your self-worth doesn't depend on anyone else.

On a sidenote: Have you really experienced these things you describe from people who had a child? I heard more about suddenly everyone commenting on you and your child and you feeling like you're doing everything wrong. And those superficial comments might not lead to deeper connections, either. A lot of women also feel like they don't exist anymore, everyone only talks about their child to them. Sure, you can go to playgroups, if you want, but I'm wondering if, in your mind, you're idealizing this as something unrealistic. A lot of women get lonely because their friends without kids aren't interested to spend time with them anymore, and because their friends with kids can't talk about anything else and they start comparing themselves and feel like an awful mother when they're with other mothers. I feel like you can be equally lonely, with and without a baby.
Everything not generalized, only my impression.

 

[Misty Avich]

That's perfectly understandable and alright. I'm sorry that your husband reacted like this. A close relationship should, in my opinion, be a safe space where you can show your initial reactions, even if they're "unreasonable" (not saying yours, just in general) and irrational, and not have them devalued.

Well I've never really reacted like this to something as normal as a family member being pregnant. I think he freaked out when I said I'm going to take an overdose. He yelled at me not to be silly, which I can understand. He's probably going to be worrying about me now, so I guess I'll have to reassure him that I'm not going to take an overdose. I have emetophobia, an overdose might not kill me but might make me severely sick, and I'll do anything to avoid the slightest chance I have of being sick (yes, including being pregnant).

In a smaller range, I reacted by freezing and crying when my partner told me a few years ago about wanting to take a doctorate position which would demand him taking a year off his studies, meaning that we wouldn't graduate together. I knew my reaction was irrational and completely unreasonable, but I couldn't help feeling abandonded, disappointed and very sad that we wouldn't be in the same lecture halls anymore and graduate together. A few days later, when I had calmed down, I clarified things and congratulated him.

I totally understand. To most people that would be something to take in their stride, but for someone like me or you it's a big deal and difficult to comprehend rationally. Sometimes other people's decisions can have a big impact on our feelings even though their decision isn't wrong. Well, morally my cousin's decision is wrong because of their drug lifestyle. I can't see her nearly 50-year-old partner suddenly changing. He's too set in his ways.

It's natural to react emotionally to things, and it's perfectly okay. You're allowed to feel devastated about this. Your self-image was/is somehow linked to your cousin being in the same situation as you. That's something you could/should probably work on long-term: Your self-worth doesn't depend on anyone else.

On a sidenote: Have you really experienced these things you describe from people who had a child? I heard more about suddenly everyone commenting on you and your child and you feeling like you're doing everything wrong. And those superficial comments might not lead to deeper connections, either. A lot of women also feel like they don't exist anymore, everyone only talks about their child to them. Sure, you can go to playgroups, if you want, but I'm wondering if, in your mind, you're idealizing this as something unrealistic. A lot of women get lonely because their friends without kids aren't interested to spend time with them anymore, and because their friends with kids can't talk about anything else and they start comparing themselves and feel like an awful mother when they're with other mothers. I feel like you can be equally lonely, with and without a baby.
Everything not generalized, only my impression.

All of my cousin's friends (some used to be my friends but they decided they prefer my cousin to me) have children. My cousin is the "take everything in her stride" type, so she underthinks everything and doesn't care whether she's alone or socialising. Criticism or social rejection has no effect on her and she is the opposite of conscientious.
Me, I've always been too conscientious about everything going on around me. So much for autism meaning the self. I don't feel I have a self. I'm just this thing existing among too many happy-go-lucky people who's lives and choices matter more than mine.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was hoping this day would never come. My stupid cousin has announced she's pregnant. My other female cousin has been offered a well-paying job where she will get to retire in her 50s, and now my other female cousin is pregnant. So they're super happy and my aunt will now be preoccupied with this baby. That will mean they'll move, probably be offered a council house - something I've always wanted. Here's me, lost my mother due to cancer, am poor as anything, worrying about my job, worrying about being homeless in the future, and everything works out for everyone else. And to top it all off I'm cursed with this horrible autism which is the reason why my life is so crap through no fault of my own.
I hate my life. Everyone else getting pregnant and having babies, here I am, a loser. I'm so done. I'm done with life. I'm a crappy horrible person, I'm a liar, a transphobe, a homophobe, a racist, a troll, been called it all by horrible nasty people online who I'm going to get my revenge on but still unsure how.
Just so depressed right now, thinking of putting my head on the railway tracks. I have nothing to live for. My cousin can go and have her stupid, smelly, ugly, bawling brat. I don't want anything to do with it. I'll be dead anyway, then I can be with my mum forever.

I know this is "very real" for you. However, if you step back and read what you've written here, this is the depression talking. Envy, jealousy, anger, frustration, self-deprecation, suicidal ideation, need I say more. I hate depression, like literally hate it (speaking from experience). Your brain is so mired in everything negative. You're in a dark place without a light. You literally may have positive things going on in your life and your environment, but you're blind to it, right now. No good comes from this mindset.

Seriously, make an appointment and get some help, whether it be just talking to someone and letting it all out and/or a "little something" to fix the neurotransmitter imbalance.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I think he freaked out when I said I'm going to take an overdose. He yelled at me not to be silly, which I can understand. He's probably going to be worrying about me now, so I guess I'll have to reassure him that I'm not going to take an overdose. I have emetophobia, an overdose might not kill me but might make me severely sick, and I'll do anything to avoid the slightest chance I have of being sick (yes, including being pregnant).

Yes, this is more than a "normal", irrational reaction. This is considering suicide because someone, in their way, disappointed you. You understand why your husband reacted panicked. He must be scared for your life, and repeat this fear each time something bad happens in the future.
As I said, it's completely okay to feel what you're feeling and let it out. But, as Neonatal RRT says, the extremity of your reaction and your emotions is fueled by depression. I am very glad that you're letting it out here and felt comfortable sharing your feelings with your husband, but suicidal ideation are a very strong warning sign. It's okay to feel this right now, but you should seek professional help to get out of this hole - even if that feels impossible at the moment. Being sad, upset and angry as a reaction is completely fine and normal - suicidal intentions, however, are not. Not attempting suicide only because you're afraid of throwing up is, of course, better than nothing, but definitely not a state you should stay in.
Please take care of yourself and seek out someone professional.