When you first suspected you were autistic as an adult

[Storm Hess]

That thing about brain moving faster than my mouth or fingers... I've always had problems with written assignments because I've finished thinking it long before I get around to writing it, and by then it's become irrelevant in my mind and i just forget it. Talking is easier, because I'm rather eloquent, an I can speak more in sync with my thoughts than I can write.

But as to the original question. My mom told me a few years ago that she thought I had autism when I was a kid, because of my lack of facial expressions. I keep wondering why she didn't get me tested, and if that would even have helped me.

I've long suspected, but I'm not going to get diagnosed any time soon, as it would be detrimental to me except in situations where people ask me why I'm so weird. Yes, suspected, but not really believing. Until a few months ago when I reconnected with an old online friend who told me she recently found out she's on the spectrum. Then I went ahead and looked up criteria and questionnaires, and found that it's rather more likely than not that I'm high-functioning autistic. So I went back and told her about it and her reaction was just "well, that explains a lot". Who needs to be diagnosed if the friends who know you best think it's that sense-making.

I was pretty lost as a kid, but had a few friends I could play with despite being socially clueless. It got worse when I was around 9 or 10 and the girls started really developing their group identity and all the weird social norms that came with it. That's when I would have needed help, but didn't get any. And because I didn't get help with being myself, I got seriously good at masking instead. Meaning that I'm still really weird, but people think it's a personality trait rather than having to do with autism. Me not knowing the correct empathic response isn't a personality trait, though, even if people read it as me being a jerk (to use a nicer word for it). I step on toes, but not because I don't care, I'm just unable to predict where those toes are going to be in a dance I haven't learned.

I could probably go on forever about the signs, but I'l limit them to the poor social skills and one more. When i was 7, I got a children's encyclopedia, and read the entire thing, every word and definition, with great interest. I knew what the centrifugal force was five years before it was mentioned in any school textbook. No wonder I thought school was boring. Maths was fun though. Back then I actually had to work in class, since there was no Google where to find the answer to anything and everything.

Speaking has always been a problem for me. Silent communication always worked and was more comfortable. With writing I am able to form cohesive thoughts and ideas through my fingers...due to my slower-than-thought typing, I have to slow down to express my thoughts.

 

[Storm Hess]

Thank you. It also made me realize I was not alone, for the first time in my life I feel I am not an alien, but there are people like me.

Thank you all in this community, I have been here for a week or so, but never felt this welcome or understood! <3 <3 <3

You're welcome.

 

[Taira]

Speaking has always been a problem for me. Silent communication always worked and was more comfortable. With writing I am able to form cohesive thoughts and ideas through my fingers...due to my slower-than-thought typing, I have to slow down to express my thoughts.

I'm not even sure where my eloquency comes from. Only thing I know is that I have difficulties holding on to a finished thought. So if I can say it out loud, others would hear it, but if I'm not already in the documents where I meam to write, then the thought just disappears. And I'll have to do the entire thought process all over again.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... I step on toes, but not because I don't care, I'm just unable to predict where those toes are going to be in a dance I haven't learned.

I could probably go on forever about the signs, but I'l limit them to the poor social skills and one more. When i was 7, I got a children's encyclopedia, and read the entire thing, every word and definition, with great interest. I knew what the centrifugal force was five years before it was mentioned in any school textbook. ...

That's my sort of territory!

We only got A-C

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

I'm not even sure where my eloquency comes from. Only thing I know is that I have difficulties holding on to a finished thought. So if I can say it out loud, others would hear it, but if I'm not already in the documents where I meam to write, then the thought just disappears. And I'll have to do the entire thought process all over again.

Exactly! I take more notes from my thoughts now.

But when I was the age most of you are, I didn't even know what my thoughts were.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I was first diagnosed, in my late preteen years (circa 2006). This angered me. "How could this doctor think me defective," I thought.
In late high school (circa 2013), I researched Asperger's Syndrome's symptoms. Highly relatable. I realized, "Oh my! That doctor was right."
In Summer, 2013, I was applying for university, and needed to indicate whether, or not, I had autism and, if applicable, include an autism diagnosis with the application. Since I'd never obtained a paper copy, of my first diagnosis, I successfully got re-diagnosed, in 2013.
Since the autism websites, I had consulted, painted me as a shy genius, my self-esteem increased, during such introspection.
In terms of reconciling my idiosyncrasies, I feel confident, in my identity. In the Enneagram personality theory, I'm a Type 4w5, which is sometimes nicknamed, "The Bohemian," or, "The Individualist." To us: uniqueness is beauty, and mainstream culture is overrated. I don't fear being unpopular, as I'll simply consort with those who appreciate the real me.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... I researched Asperger's Syndrome's symptoms. Highly relatable. I realized, "Oh my! That doctor was right."
... got re-diagnosed, in 2013.
Since the autism websites, I had consulted, painted me as a shy genius, my self-esteem increased, during such introspection.
In terms of reconciling my idiosyncrasies, I feel confident, in my identity. In the Enneagram personality theory, I'm a Type 4w5, which is sometimes nicknamed, "The Bohemian," or, "The Individualist." To us: uniqueness is beauty, and mainstream culture is overrated. I don't fear being unpopular, as I'll simply consort with those who appreciate the real me.

I haven't had a "doctor diagnosis" (my write ups by so called "lesser" professionals got accepted by important enough people). My parents had known how I coped & didn't cope but they didn't have a name for it. I somehow didn't confuse my pain in difficulties with the core of me. When in my 40s I suddenly read up about ASC (first of all, in Donna Williams) and at the same time was pitched into the arms of a workplace coach, I was overjoyed.

In Myers Briggs (the full not the cut down version) I am INTP, almost ENTP. (In the full version they get you to address your coadjutant faculties.) My instinct from infancy was to be both analytical and intuitive, but both had got drummed out of me for over 20 years in the middle period, and it is now fabulous to redevelop those faculties.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I haven't had a "doctor diagnosis" (my write ups by so called "lesser" professionals got accepted by important enough people). My parents had known how I coped & didn't cope but they didn't have a name for it. I somehow didn't confuse my pain in difficulties with the core of me. When in my 40s I suddenly read up about ASC (first of all, in Donna Williams) and at the same time was pitched into the arms of a workplace coach, I was overjoyed.

In Myers Briggs (the full not the cut down version) I am INTP, almost ENTP. (In the full version they get you to address your coadjutant faculties.) My instinct from infancy was to be both analytical and intuitive, but both had got drummed out of me for over 20 years in the middle period, and it is now fabulous to redevelop those faculties.

I'm glad you're getting a chance to reconnect with your authentic self.
May you find solace and clarity, through your recent discoveries and current path.
With love,
Arielle (INFJ)

 

[Professori]

I realized that I was different, but was quite comfortable with that thought because I was just fine, while everyone else was weird .

 

[Aspychata]

I always felt something might be a little different about me but thought it was the creative artisty type, tortured wandering soul. That seemed romantic and it was doable. My daughter and mother were never demonstrative with hugs. Neither was my ex. Nor my stepfather. Like it's called affection, look it up.

 

[Mush]

I have to be honest and never even suspected I was in the spectrum. Many people had jokingly said I was, but to me that was always just friendly banter because I have always been a bit weird. I’m well liked and loved by all my friends, but they all certainly know I’m odd.

And that’s the funny thing - I have lots of friends, but I have never felt like I’ve ever had a close/best friend or anything like that.

There’s never really been anyone in my life that asks me to the movies on a whim, or calls to say they’re going to do this or that and wants me to come along.

Since being married to a fairly social person I am forced into social situations I often don’t want to have, so I often find myself sitting outside by the pool or whatever by myself with a bit of food and a drink in my hand. If people come over and initiate conversation I have my work to fall back on, as it’s an unusual job and I can talk about it for a few minutes until they’re ready to move on to the next person to be social with.

To be honest, if I wasn’t married I’d go to work, come home and go cycling or hiking by myself. That’s all I used to do before I got married.

Friendship is hard and requires so much effort. When you have someone who can do all that for you, more or less, it makes life less lonely and less difficult. A bit of a win, win for me.

The beauty of it is being able to use a razor sharp sense of humour to be able to make social inroads amongst a group of peers. Otherwise I’m talking about my very few favourite subjects and boring people to death with statistics and lists of things in relation to said subjects.

For example, I will talk about a particular knife and why I chose it based on its metal composition, type of grind the blade has and why it’s the best suited for particular situations like hiking vs kayaking applications.

Or I might talk about cars and which model has the best power to fuel usage ratio. Or the best kind of MTB tyre and air pressure for a particular terrain.

The common theme in all these interactions is that without humour, I will end up talking like some type of robot about ridiculously specific things that NOBODY cares about.

Humour works and works well. The embarrassment comes when I run out of humour and know I need to just shut up. I end up looking like a simpleton that can’t make general conversation about anything at all.

Having been diagnosed at 44 has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because now my whole life makes sense, a curse because I have suffered for so long not knowing why.

The roller coaster of emotions when having tried and failed time after time to be ‘normal’ has been enough at times to consider oblivion a suitable alternative to life.

I would, at least a few times a month, go back in my mind and replay the worst and most embarrassing moments of my life over and over, trying to understand what went wrong and what happened and how on earth do you fix it. It would lead to thoughts that perhaps your whole life from conception until now was a mistake. That somehow, you weren’t meant to have been, because no matter what you do, nothing works to make it all make sense.

Now it does make sense. There has, in some strange way, grown a sense of satisfaction that I’d managed to navigate so much of this world with an unknown handicap. In spite of all the trials and hardship that neuro-typical people never experience, I’ve managed to stay self employed for 20 years, get married, have children’s Nd watch those children grow to the cusp of agulthood.

I have told my kids about my diagnosis, and my eldest, the boy, said that it all makes so much sense now. That finally he could understand his dad. He’s almost 18 and has an enormous appetite for social interaction.

While we are very similar in many ways, in others we couldn’t be any more different. He thrives on masses of social interaction and gets completely buzzed by being around energetic people.

I am still in the early learning phase of having had a formal diagnosis and what that even means, as I was only formally diagnosed late January early February this year.

The initial reaction was disbelief, then acceptance, then some anger and then just whatever, this is how it is, let’s get on with life.

At first I was taking way too much notice of my behaviour, trying to decipher every interaction and how I could mentally navigate my way past being an aspie and respond to people in a more neuro-typical manner. Now I don’t care. It takes too much energy.

One thing that has changed for the better is that my wife won’t push me into social situations I don’t want to be in. I can tell her, fine, we’ll go, but I will sit outside by myself away from the noise. She’s cool with that and it’s worked well, until the social distancing rules hit last month.

Now that those rules are being relaxed and more social interactions will be coming down the pipeline, I am rehearsing in my mind better ways to cope with and manage the emotions and feelings that come from being thrust into unwanted social engagements.

 

[grommet]

How did you react? Was it a relief? Did you feel despair that it meant you would never be normal?

What did you do?

I was 19 when it was suggested I might be autistic. It was 1998. There was no information for women on the spectrum back then. It was seen as a thing only boys had. Women didn't have it. Adults didn't have it.

In 2008 the internet became a more useful place for learning about autism in women, but even then there wasn't much. I devoured everything I could on the subject.

I enjoyed learning about the subject and finding out more about how my brain works.

We have so much more information available now, written by adults on the spectrum for adults on the spectrum.

I feel like I've adapted well to the world around me. I've been fortunate enough to study and get qualifications in a subject I enjoyed and have found employment amongst other spectrumy people who just get me.

What's your experience?

I was 38. I was frightened when I first realized I might be autistic then it seemed like my whole life suddenly made sense I felt more self-acceptance than I ever had. I felt free-er. I was always so alone being the way I was. When I started going to meetings for aspies it was like I was home for the first time. I am still very lonely but at least I know who I am and that there are people like me and places I can go to be with them.

 

[dsfu]

It was a mixed blessing for me. On the one hand, I thought about the troubles I had been having and it was helpful in that way.

However, it was ten years ago and I am still having the same troubles I was having them. I think that is part because finding out I had it made it easier for me to use as a crutch. Because of this, I never made as much effort as I could have in socializing and other areas of my life and I am regretting that now.

But, it is easier to get services if needed, with a label.