What should I have done?

[Aspergers_Aspie]

I've been in stressful situations partly why I prefer one on one conversations usually to conversations with more than one person. I don't know who to look at when to lose eye contact eye contact for how long etc etc.

Today I was in a bar, this guy asks for Carling the bar staff member says sorry there's no Carling he doesn't seem to look like he heard her, and he is walking to his seat, my seat is inbetween his seat and the bar, I don't know to tell him or just leave it.

 

[Suzette]

You mean you were not sure if you should repeat the bar staff words to the guy asking for Carling?

I would just leave it.

Bars can draw all kinds of people and some aren't nice. This man can repeat his question if he didn't hear.

 

[tree]

@Aspergers_Aspie

Why would it be your responsibility to make sure the guy gets a beer?

Unless either:
A. you are a bar employee
or
B. you and the guy are acquainted & the two of you are having a social event together

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I don't understand why you would be responsible for communication between two strangers?

 

[watersprite]

I tend to be unsure about those types of social situations too.
Part of my error - because it is an error - is assuming that people might want my help.
Unless it is some sort of life and death thing, don’t offer help.

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

@Aspergers_Aspie

Why would it be your responsibility to make sure the guy gets a beer?

Unless either:
A. you are a bar employee
or
B. you and the guy are acquainted & the two of you are having a social event together

Just to help out the member of staff and I wondered possibly if she wondered why I didn't tell the customer

 

[tree]

Are you saying that you go there often and
feel acquainted with the staff? And thus
responsible to help them?

Or possibly judged, for not helping?

 

[Binary_Bark]

Personally, I just keep quiet in such situations or in general almost every situation

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

Are you saying that you go there often and
feel acquainted with the staff? And thus
responsible to help them?

Or possibly judged, for not helping?

No, I don't often go there. Just felt unsure about the 'social protocol'

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Are you saying that you go there often and
feel acquainted with the staff? And thus
responsible to help them?

Or possibly judged, for not helping?

Good catch! If the former I could see wanting to maintain a friendly relationship. If the latter I don't see an issue as you have no ability to determine how somebody chooses to interpret public discourse. Social communication is hard enough without beating yourself up over things that you may be amplifying in your mind. The French have a phrase for that; L'esprite de l'escalier.

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

I'm currently feeling sad. And have a regret and know sharing regrets helps. I'm in a bar. There was the barman and two other customers at the bar. A woman orders a lot of drinks, too many for one person to carry. The barman says I would help you to carry them but I'm doing the till. I go half way over nearly offering to help. ( I have Asperger's and don't if that's why I. A bit sad ). I hesitated and didn't offer. Don't know why exactly. It would have been good for the woman to receive help and I wouldn't be upset.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Aspergers_Aspie I learned from my friends that it is good to offer help even if people don't ask. I had regretted things when my mind was elsewhere and I failed to notice opportunities to be kind or connect.

My latest regret was at a recent get together with friends organized by a very friendly but accepting NT. I was the grill master for that cookout (and enjoyed the role greatly), and when done joined the people on the deck. As I was squeezing past a group of women after getting a soda one ran her hand along my upper arm. I know such touch by an NT is an invitation to connect, but it went past me nearly unnoticed. I receive so few invitations that only afterward realized what happened and beat myself up for not introducing myself at least. Life for me is like that, only realizing social opportunities once they are past.

I think both of us need to develop the reflexes to act to express social kindness or for connection. Doing so costs us nothing and there may be a benefit to us to act before anxiety from overthinking sets in.