What extent will you go to avoid asking for help?

[Ginseng]

I am glad you brought this up. That is exactly how I am. I get admitted to th hospital I don’t need and certainly don’t ask anyone to stay with me, though it would be nice if someone cared enough to volunteer. I think I am just so used to doing everything on my own I don’t know how to do it with someone. I think I would like to learn though.

 

[Major Tom]

Usually, I have to be nearly dead to ask for help. I just learned to grin and bear it through most circumstances.

 

[George Newman]

At this stage of my life it is selfish of me to not ask for help every now and then.

Mine is a bit of a different take on the subject but I feel it has merit. One might say that to not allow someone to be helpful is denying them the opportunity to experience the joy that comes from unconditional love .... that comes from giving.

I know it may feel like an odd look at this topic but allow yourself to critically develope the hypothesis. To be just as ready to ask someone for help as we are ready to help is healthy.

I know what you are thinking and the answer is “no”, I don’t always reflexively apply this idea in my day-to-day life. I want to be just as self sufficient as the next person. I don’t want to bother anyone and yes this makes me hypocritical but I can still consider breaking the paradigm.

Couldn’t we say that it is just as virtuous to be willing to ask for help as we are ready to help someone? Of course, one must be careful to not come across as one who takes advantage but I guarantee one will find out who ones true friends are. I’m not advocating that we should take advantage. I would advocate for a healthy balance.

Be sure to tell the one that helps that you appreciate the help and that you are at the ready to help them in any way.

Is this hypothesis weak or flawed? Does someone validate their weakness when they ask for help? Could being able to ask for help be seen as a selfless trait and not as taking advantage?

We add to the narrative of our unfolding lives each day. Do we have space to reconsider the paradigms we accept each day in an attempt to redefine who we truely are?

Can we find merit in this? I love you and want to help. I love you and I am asking for help. Plausible?

 

[Pats]

@George Newman As hard as it is for me to ask for help in any way, I know you are exactly right. Years ago when my sister lived in Charleston, SC and hurricane Hugo hit, I said the same thing to her - that we loved her and wanted to help and by refusing she was taking that away from us.
Maybe I've spent my life trying to find my own way, do everything myself, figure out how to fix things because I didn't think anyone else would. Looking back - I have asked for help before. I lived in Texas and my neighbor was high and broke in one night with a gun. I did ask my dad if he would loan me $200 for a security deposit so I could move because I was stacking furniture in front of my windows and doors at night. My dad said no. His reason was that if he loaned me money I would think I could make it on my own. (His exact words). When I asked my brother to spend some time with my son so he could have a male role model, he didn't. When I asked my parents to help me get my son back from his dad who was refusing to return him home to me (I lived in Texas) they said only if I would agree to never date (they believed divorce was a sin).
Maybe that has more to do with it, than anything. When I really needed help, those that I thought I could count on refused. So maybe I just became stubborn and set out to show them and the rest of the world that I don't need their help or anyone elses.

 

[George Newman]

Thank you for pealing back another layer and providing a deeper context to your post regarding asking for help. I am certain that the examples you shared weren’t easy to relive as you typed them. Thank you.

I tend to take a purest approach to my comments based on the information. As you and I both know, life in this world isn’t perfect or pure. Circumstances create variation to the purest rule.

Trigger warning for animal advocates, I only share this analogy as it supports the basis of the post. I’m reminded of the conditioned response scenario where a mouse is provided a shock each time it tries to take a sip of water. Unfortunately the mouse dies of dehydration because the fear of receiving a shock was greater than the need for hydration. I bet we all can relate to the poor mouses’ impossible position as we have experienced the “shock”.

If I am told “no” every time I ask for help and the disappointment is greater than the need for help, then I will simply stop asking for help. This is a completely understandable and probably where many of us find ourselves.

I know of a half-dozen people in my life that I certainly wouldn’t ask for help because they have proven to me to be too self-centered and untrustworthy. The disappointment is even greater when it is family. It damn-well hurts!

I do not want to overlook “tough love” where “no” is what is needed but that may be another post entirely.

Once again, thank you Pats for the initial post and follow up comments. It makes me want to redouble my efforts to shatter the paradigm and my conditioned response by helping those who ask for help.

 

[Pats]

Thank you for pealing back another layer and providing a deeper context to your post regarding asking for help. I am certain that the examples you shared weren’t easy to relive as you typed them. Thank you.

I tend to take a purest approach to my comments based on the information. As you and I both know, life in this world isn’t perfect or pure. Circumstances create variation to the purest rule.

Trigger warning for animal advocates, I only share this analogy as it supports the basis of the post. I’m reminded of the conditioned response scenario where a mouse is provided a shock each time it tries to take a sip of water. Unfortunately the mouse dies of dehydration because the fear of receiving a shock was greater than the need for hydration. I bet we all can relate to the poor mouses’ impossible position as we have experienced the “shock”.

If I am told “no” every time I ask for help and the disappointment is greater than the need for help, then I will simply stop asking for help. This is a completely understandable and probably where many of us find ourselves.

I know of a half-dozen people in my life that I certainly wouldn’t ask for help because they have proven to me to be too self-centered and untrustworthy. The disappointment is even greater when it is family. It damn-well hurts!

I do not want to overlook “tough love” where “no” is what is needed but that may be another post entirely.

Once again, thank you Pats for the initial post and follow up comments. It makes me want to redouble my efforts to shatter the paradigm and my conditioned response by helping those who they ask for help.

I guess we sometimes help and receive help even when not asked. I appreciate both your comments and so often learn something about myself when I read them. And wanted to point out that the heart in this case was for the heart itself.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Here many people still have the mentality or prejudice that there are things that women can't or shouldn't do, such as lifting heavy items. I dislike it intensely when I'm doing something involving lifting heavy items or something technical, and along comes a male and tries to suggest that it's too heavy or too difficult, because firstly, I have a brain and am capable of understanding on my own, and secondly, it's not their place to decide what I can or can't do. The only person in a position to judge what I can or can't do is me. They may mean well, but I find it patronizing. So I wait until I'm on my own before starting certain tasks.

I used to hate it too, and wonder why other women acts like so fragile that they don't lift the heavy things which are still lift-able by a woman. i always lift them by myself.

Now, I can understand it. It is not good for a woman's womb to lift heavy items. It might cause the woman's womb to 'slip down' (I don't know how to word this) - this might cause difficulty in getting pregnant. Of course every woman is not the same. But there is an actual reason of why women should not lift heavy things.

 

[Progster]

Now, I can understand it. It is not good for a woman's womb to lift heavy items. It might cause the woman's womb to 'slip down' (I don't know how to word this) - this might cause difficulty in getting pregnant. Of course every woman is not the same. But there is an actual reason of why women should not lift heavy things.

I've heard this one. Never been a concern for me though, as I don't have kids and never wanted to. My point is more that my body is my responsibility and my concern and not anyone else's, I get to get to decide what is good for me and how I'm going to look after myself, not anybody else. I'm the one who gets to decide if something is too heavy or not. I just see it as interfering when they do that.