Featured What extent will you go to avoid asking for help?

I'm very independent-minded and will always try to do things myself, and only if I've tried and exhausted all options and still not managed to do it will I ask for help, as a last resort. Of course, there are some things that are just impossible physically, or some social things like making phone calls which I might ask for help to do, but most physical things I prefer to do myself.

Here many people still have the mentality or prejudice that there are things that women can't or shouldn't do, such as lifting heavy items. I dislike it intensely when I'm doing something involving lifting heavy items or something technical, and along comes a male and tries to suggest that it's too heavy or too difficult, because firstly, I have a brain and am capable of understanding on my own, and secondly, it's not their place to decide what I can or can't do. The only person in a position to judge what I can or can't do is me. They may mean well, but I find it patronizing. So I wait until I'm on my own before starting certain tasks.

 

I was in a motorcycle accident several years ago and landed in the hospital about thirty miles from home. I was pretty busted up and after being discharged from the ER I sat outside wondering how I was going to get home. I called my wife to let her know I was going to walk home. She called me up five minutes later to tell me that our neighbor was on the way. I didn't want to impose on anyone.

 

Aw, you've brought up another point that I relate to Pats.. I've always had a hard time asking for help, because I don't like imposing on others. Like you, with the nurse pre-prep bringing everything you may need to a room, I'd do the same with most tasks, planning out in my head what is needed and what could be useful "just in case" before starting something. I often wondered why others don't do it too. My partner is an NT and he likes to jump in head first into a task while I sit there bewildered trying to scramble all the tools he WILL definitely need and he didn't even grab. Isn't it obvious? I just curse in my head, why didn't he plan what he might need, gather them and THEN start the thing? Instead I just get stressed, because, I KNOW that he will disturb me to ask me to bring him X, Y, and Z because suddenly he's "in the middle of something" and he needs it.

As far as extent... If I can't solve something after exhausting all options, depending on how critical it is, I'll leave it and give up. I don't like to admit defeat, it's sort of embarrassing, it's easier to walk away than ask for help. I know I've moved furniture around at some peril to myself, one day I'm sure I'll fall down the stairs or something by grabbing something way too heavy..

 

I don't understand. I guess because I'm 1) a recluse, 2) a senior, 3) I try to be kind & helpful to people, 4) was brought up to be a "gentleman". I am finding out that to "offer assistance" to a male is "showing signs of being queer" while "offering" assistance to a woman is "showing signs of being a macho pig". OR ---- I'm I misunderstanding something here?

 

I used to hate asking teachers at school for help, because they'd give the help in what might as well be Mandarin Chinese for all I could understand it, and contrary to popular opinion I am NOT daft.

 

I mean, guys assuming that I won't be able to do something without asking me first if I need help, or guys seeing that I can manage on my own, but still want to come and take over from me, with the assumption that I must be struggling or that I might hurt myself or something like that, because of their cultural and gender expectations. I hate it when I'm doing something, and someone else comes along and wants to take over from me, for any reason. It's one of the reasons I find it hard to work with people. I can only speak for myself here and am giving my own personal opinion, I think that my reaction is different to that of most people.

 

Ok! Thanks for that explanation. I have a sister-in-law that is a lot like that and I once made her angry and never understood why? My wife wasn't much help when I asked "What did I do wrong?" She just said, "Don't worry about it".

 

There are several reasons why I avoid asking others for help. 1) I am a hardcore independent person. I was raised that way. I've always gone by the law of " if you want it gone right. do it yourself". Being depended on others make me feel weak and held at the mercy of others. 2) This gets to more the Asperger's thing, but I never know if I'm asking the right question or more importantly, asking it under the correct etiquette, protocol or at the appropriate time or circumstances. How do I know if I'm asking too much from somebody? 3) How do I know if I'm to return the favor or not? like I now have this courtesy debt that need to be paid back in some way. How many time can I ask before they expect something in return?

 

I do the best I can myself but if I can't do something I do ask for help. I've accepted there are some things I need help with and I'm okay with that.

 

I nearly starved to death because I didn't want to ask anyone for help !but that started to change when I cried because I was so hungry.

 

I never liked asking for help. I think some people see it as pride but it is not the case. As far as I can remember I always enjoyed challenges (I compete with myself but hate competition with others) and I need to do things by myself to really learn and understand them. Also I appreciate things more if they put up a fight if they are easy I lose interest. And of course I also think: why should I bother someone with something that I can do myself? Waste of time and energy ...
I also don't like when people offer help...they are depriving me of the joy of having a challenge. The thought that comes to my mind is also that for the sake of politeness we are raising generations of useless people that don't know how to do anything by themselves...I feel like a terrible person when I think this, but for me is amazing how some people need help to do the most basic things, unless they have special needs of course.
Now I am learning to think in a different way: I am realising that the people who ask and give help need it as much as I need to do things alone. It is how they are and how they connect with each other and their own hearts.
I try to remember this the next time someone offers help to me and I will try to accept it sometimes, for the sake of relationships.
About asking for it...well inevitably the time will come when I will be sick in bed or of old age and then I will go through nightmare I think...

 

I'm the same way about asking for help!

But I'm also like those people some of you describe who don't prepare properly!

So a lot of the time, I just struggle with something until someone finds me and helps, whether I want them to or not.

The most recent example is that my doorknob stopped closing so that the door would swing open. I tried replacing the doorknob without reading the instructions and ended up with a deformed, jiggling mess, and while I tried fixing it someone else decided to do it for me.

I always joke, "This is how I got through college!"

 

I consider myself to be fiercely independent, yet, at the same time, I don't have difficulty asking for help if/ when needed. Conversely, when it comes to asking for help/ support, here, I cannot find it in myself, to do. I'm not sure why this is, but I'd like to figure it out, as there have been a few occassions when I have desperately, wanted to, but have simply frozen.

 

Intimidated by the people here, maybe? There are a lot of extremely intelligent, educated people here and most aren't as kind as you (not an insult to others, compliment to her) and, in my experience, very kind people are more sensitive to unkind people.

That's just a guess based on what gives me some anxiety, it's not a reflection of anything I perceive about you, except the reference to your kindness.

But whatever it is, I encourage you to ask here! I'd love to see you helped!

 

Thank you so much, for your words of wisdom and for wanting to 'see me helped'. I appreciate you, so much! I will introspect on what you've mentioned.

 

Some people want emotional support just going to the restroom!