What experts reveal about women's attraction to older men

[Jonn]

A search for stability and emotional security​

Dr. Catherine Nobile, director of Nobile Psychology in New York City, explains that this phenomenon has its roots partly in evolution. Historically, women would have been inclined to seek partners who could provide resources and stability, traits often attributed to older, more established men. Even today, some women feel a need for financial and emotional security.

For others, this choice is rooted in a life experience marked by instability, whether economic or emotional. Turning to an older man is thus seen as a refuge, a way to ensure a peaceful daily life after difficult years.

MSN

 

[TBRS1]

So...

To sum up -

If an older man wants a younger lady, their best bet is to be in a life situation where they are capable of providing stability?


It seems like the other option would be for people to fall in love based on some sort of mutual feelings.

 

[JayLapointe]

So you mean to say it isn't Daddy issues? jk

 

[Dagan]

Are these experts actually all women? That would be my basis for all data and research before I go considering any of it.

I know better than to go trusting otherwise.

 

[Tired]

I was into older men, because younger men seemed to be stupid and immature. Then I met a lot of stupid and immature older men, and smart and resourceful young men, so my perception changed.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

"Older" men tend to... generally... have gained some wisdom and are more emotionally and financially stable... as opposed to where they were, say... years earlier in their lives. For the woman that is done "playing the field", who has lived through relationships with a lot of emotional and financial stress... seeking out a partner that allows them to find comfort emotionally and financially makes a lot of sense. Stress will, quite literally, suck the life out of anyone.

When it comes to the desires of "women" and "men", it really depends upon one's upbringing... as well as one's social maturity and experience. In retrospect, hindsight being 20/20, both men and women go through different phases in their lives... and with that... what becomes "attractive" will change over the years.

 

[Jonn]

So...

To sum up -

If an older man wants a younger lady, their best bet is to be in a life situation where they are capable of providing stability?


It seems like the other option would be for people to fall in love based on some sort of mutual feelings.

The two are not mutually exclusive?
Why would you think that they were?

 

[Jonn]

So you mean to say it isn't Daddy issues? jk

Childhood trauma has a lot to do with looking for more mature men, yes.

If the child grows up in an environment that produces emotional instability, it can cause a profound desire to find it later in life.
I imagine this is pretty much always the case.

Ppl seek what they desire.
Why would it be any different?

BTW, I seem to attract younger women who are not interested in starting a family, for this very reason.

 

[Jonn]

Are these experts actually all women? That would be my basis for all data and research before I go considering any of it.

I know better than to go trusting otherwise.

Personal experience comes in very handy.
I can verify the wisdom of what I have read in the article.

 

[vergil96]

Does it take an expert to notice that? I would talk to women in the first place. Not everyone is primarily into looks amd short-term relationships.

 

[Jonn]

I was into older men, because younger men seemed to be stupid and immature. Then I met a lot of stupid and immature older men, and smart and resourceful young men, so my perception changed.

That is a rather biased statement.
"Interesting."

Let me give you an example of how I see things:

We have "Tom", a young man.
He is fairly inexperienced in life due to his "tender" years.
He makes many mistakes simply due to a lack of experience.

Now, let us fast-forward a number of decades, shall we?
Tom has now encountered many trials and tribulations.
He has gained wisdom as a result, as we all do over time.

Questions:
Would Tom be in a better or worse position to make wiser decisions as a younger or older man?
Would he have greater or lesser emotional maturity as a more mature man or one with lesser life experience?

 

[Tired]

That is a rather biased statement.

Biased how? Talking from my experience, as do you. Met different people, understood that everyone is, indeed, different.

 

[Tired]

Would Tom be in a better or worse position to make wiser decisions as a younger or older man?
Would he have greater or lesser emotional maturity as a more mature man or one with lesser life experience?

"He has gained wisdom as a result, as we all do over time."
Not really.

While age can increase wisdom and emotional maturity (and does to most people), it happens only if someone actually reflects, learns from their mistakes and takes responsibility from their experiences. Lots of people repeat the same mistakes over and over their whole life, and become old without gaining anything. So being older doesn't automatically mean being wiser.

So... in your scenario Tom improves because you defined him as someone who learns. That's fine for a hypothetical example, but it doesn't mean all people irl are like that, because maturity depends on self-awareness and will to learn and adapt, not just time and experience.

 

[Jonn]

"Older" men tend to... generally... have gained some wisdom and are more emotionally and financially stable... as opposed to where they were, say... years earlier in their lives.

And you say this based on personal insights or book-taught learnin's, pardner?

For the woman that is done "playing the field", who has lived through relationships with a lot of emotional and financial stress... seeking out a partner that allows them to find comfort emotionally and financially makes a lot of sense. Stress will, quite literally, suck the life out of anyone.

An extremely rational description of the psychological dynamics, IMO.

On the flip side, I find pink unicorn, candy floss romance rather insubstantial and probably the cause of many of the divorces that can be seen.
But if that's anybody's thing, I am fine with that.

Reality can bite, and bite very hard at times.

When it comes to the desires of "women" and "men", it really depends upon one's upbringing... as well as one's social maturity and experience. In retrospect, hindsight being 20/20, both men and women go through different phases in their lives... and with that... what becomes "attractive" will change over the years.

Indeed.
Interpersonal relationships are usually very complex.
There are many variables in the equation, whether seen or unseen.
This is where experience comes into play.
I am speaking from personal experience here, not book learnin'.

 

[Jonn]

"He has gained wisdom as a result, as we all do over time."
Not really.

While age can increase wisdom and emotional maturity (and does to most people), it happens only if someone actually reflects, learns from their mistakes and takes responsibility from their experiences. Lots of people repeat the same mistakes over and over their whole life, and become old without gaining anything. So being older doesn't automatically mean being wiser.

So... in your scenario Tom improves because you defined him as someone who learns. That's fine for a hypothetical example, but it doesn't mean all people irl are like that, because maturity depends on self-awareness and will to learn and adapt, not just time and experience.

I expected this response.
I will reply a little later...

 

[Neonatal RRT]

"He has gained wisdom as a result, as we all do over time."
Not really.

While age can increase wisdom and emotional maturity (and does to most people), it happens only if someone actually reflects, learns from their mistakes and takes responsibility from their experiences. Lots of people repeat the same mistakes over and over their whole life, and become old without gaining anything. So being older doesn't automatically mean being wiser.

For the purposes of a forum discussion, when we speak of these things, there will always be exceptions... but in general... as you say, "most people" will learn from their mistakes, especially if it has caused them emotional pain. That said, there are those people in this world that never seem to learn...often by their dysfunctional personality traits... narcissism... will never internalize things as "their fault". These people will have multiple failed relationships... always blaming the other person... "Where are all the good men?" "Why can't I find a good woman?" Whatever the case may be. You see these unhappy, narcissistic, dysfunctional idiots on social media feeds, YouTube, etc. venting their frustrations... worse, giving advice... fools they are.

 

[JayLapointe]

Childhood trauma has a lot to do with looking for more mature men, yes.

If the child grows up in an environment that produces emotional instability, it can cause a profound desire to find it later in life.
I imagine this is pretty much always the case.

Ppl seek what they desire.
Why would it be any different?

BTW, I seem to attract younger women who are not interested in starting a family, for this very reason.

Absolutely agree with you on those reasons and I shouldn't make jokes like that As childhood trauma is serious.

I also find myself at an age where I too have younger women who are interested in me the older man. I don't consider early 40's old but for someone in their 20's. Likewise typically the ones not interested in starting a family.

That being said I don't date and stay single as I'm personally not interested in being in a relationship even a casual one. I'm not anti-sex, but at the same point it is overrated to me so I'm not interested in casual hookups.

 

[Jonn]

"He has gained wisdom as a result, as we all do over time."
Not really.

Yes, really, but it is a question of context.

Let me add a qualifier: "Generally speaking".
As Neo said, there are always exceptions to the rule.

While age can increase wisdom and emotional maturity (and does to most people), it happens only if someone actually reflects, learns from their mistakes and takes responsibility from their experiences.

Generally speaking, everyone does learn from experience.
Some learn to modify their behaviour...
But some learn to avoid the situation altogether.

Lots of people repeat the same mistakes over and over their whole life, and become old without gaining anything. So being older doesn't automatically mean being wiser.

Of course not.
But generally speaking, most ppl are not like that.
Some are slow learners, but most eventually do learn.
I am speaking from personal experience.

So... in your scenario Tom improves because you defined him as someone who learns. That's fine for a hypothetical example, but it doesn't mean all people irl are like that, because maturity depends on self-awareness and will to learn and adapt, not just time and experience.

When Tom was 5, he knew virtually nothing about the real world.
When he was 15, he knew EVERYTHING about the real world...

Spoiler

...in his own mind...

When he was 25, he began to realise that his father wasn't as dumb as he had thought.
When he was 55, he truly understood the meaning of "arrogance of youth".

(This is a well-known meme, as you would know.)

Granted, not everyone goes through these precise steps.
However, it is considered the most likely progression for pretty much everyone because of how human evolutionary psychology works.

Now, let us look at your boyfriend, shall we?
Let us call him "Jake.

I am guessing you are both in your 30's?
Jake is a considerate young man.
(To me, 35 is young. lol)
He treats you well, and everything is working nicely in the relationship.

Now, does that mean his mindset is captured in amber and will never develop/mature further forevermore?
I doubt that very much.

Most relationships, the ones that survive, develop greater and more nuanced insights as they progress, so why would this not be the case with Jake, also?

Consider this:

Humans are built to learn for as long as we’re alive because our brains, biology, and social structures all evolved around adaptation. Lifelong learning isn’t a luxury — it’s a survival feature.

1. The human brain stays plastic​

Unlike most animals, humans maintain neuroplasticity well into old age. This means the brain can:

• form new connections
• reorganise itself
• strengthen or weaken pathways based on experience

Plasticity is what lets you pick up new skills, adapt to change, and stay mentally sharp.

Evolution kept this ability because humans live in complex, shifting environments.

 

[Jonn]

Absolutely agree with you on those reasons and I shouldn't make jokes like that As childhood trauma is serious.

Well, I am not a sensitive petal, so I had no problem with the joke.
It didn't even register with me that it might be offensive.
I guess I am getting old. <shrug>

I also find myself at an age where I too have younger women who are interested in me the older man. I don't consider early 40's old but for someone in their 20's. Likewise typically the ones not interested in starting a family.

It takes all kinds, right? <shrug>

I find it odd how some ppl have the manic desire to override another person's preferences/desires/needs, on both sides of the equation.

That being said I don't date and stay single as I'm personally not interested in being in a relationship even a casual one. I'm not anti-sex, but at the same point it is overrated to me so I'm not interested in casual hookups.

I have always considered sex to be overrated.
I find it a, erm, "silly" joke.

 

[Jonn]

Biased how? Talking from my experience, as do you. Met different people, understood that everyone is, indeed, different.

I think you simply met the wrong older men.