What do you do about people who won't accept your special interests?

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

My parents gave up trying to get me to quit talking about my special interests because they were realizing it was making me resent them and also suicidal. Now they could care less about meerkats or animals and love to hear what I have to say about them.

I fear I may have to cut someone in particular out of my life because they are not as accepting of my special interests. We used to date but then he broke up with me. I think he broke up with me because of my alexithymia and his tendency to take everything personally. I think he's grown out of the animals. He claims he still likes wolves but I doubt it. He's into that anime stuff not that there's anything wrong with that. But he's always watching to show me his original characters that are human and drawn in that anime style and talk about them but not wanting to hear about my original characters. My original characters are always animals. if I do have human original characters they are always villains for my animal characters to defeat. My animal character that represents me does not like humans due to the way she was treated as a pup and what she so happened to some of her friends.

Anyway? What do you do when people don't accept your special interest? I usually just cut them out of my life. I'm an adult now and no longer have to listen just so called therapist trying to change me to fit their perception of normal. I never wanted these friend things. And even if I did I think I would prefer them if they liked the same things I did. I won't let you people take my special interests from me. And I never did. Special interests are my main autistic trait. As an adult no one is trying to stop me from having them anymore. And I prefer it that way.

One of my older brother gets used to actually bully me about my special interest. He's coming around since he's gotten married but for a while I wanted to seriously disown him for the way he treated me.

I might cut this so-called friend out of my life too if he can't accept my special interest. Another thing I hate is a hypocrite. If he can talk about his original characters, then I should be able to talk about mine.

Anyway I'm just curious what other people do about people who don't accept their special interests. If they kick them to the curb like me or a nice and still try to make ways for people who won't accept your special interests.

 

[Misery]

To be 100% honest, the internet as a whole is probably partially to blame here (at least for your friend anyway). Animals-turned-into-characters dont exactly have the best reputation, and berating someone for being into that is VERY common. No, I dont know why... it's the internet. It doesnt need a reason. Outside of very specific places (which, ironically, are on the internet), you'll have a hard time finding others who can understand such a thing.

Interest in ACTUAL animals though is very common. There's plenty of places to talk about that. HOWEVER, you have to keep yourself toned down a bit. Pretty much a requirement. When it comes to our interests, people on the spectrum can be a bit... overwhelming. Slow down, dont rant everyone's ear off (so to speak) and understand that for many people "interest" does not necessarily mean "cares about deep details".

As it is, consider one possibility here... and you might not like this, but I'm going to say it anyway: It may not be your INTEREST that pushed that person away. It may have been your INTENSITY over it. Like I said: We can be overwhelming, without realizing we're doing it. That's just tough for a lot of people to deal with, even if they share the same interest.


As for what I do when confronted with this, I do.... nothing. I dont expect people to take an interest in the stuff I'm into. If for some reason they do, well, super, but if they dont, well, okay. Usually I dont bother talking about what I'm interested in unless asked. Though, I also have specific places I can go to participate in certain interests. I'm into cosplay for instance, so I go to anime/gaming conventions, where it's extremely common to do that (well it WAS, and then COVID). For other things though, not so easy.

Though, if someone is actually verbally attacking you over your interests, well... that's not okay. Someone like that isnt a friend, I'd say.

 

[Kalinychta]

What exactly do you mean when you say they don’t accept your special interests? What do they do/say? You wrote that your parents tried to get you to stop talking about meerkats and animals...did they say why they wanted you to stop? Knowing the “why” will help us give you better advice.

This is just a guess and may not apply to you, but I know that many autistic people with intense special interests tend to talk about them all the time. When I was diagnosed, my analyst told me about a little autistic boy she knew who constantly talked about vacuums and all things vacuum-related, and when he visited other people with his parents, they would tell him not to talk about vacuums because people didn’t want to hear him carry on about them for ages. Does this sound like you perhaps?

 

[Kalinychta]

Oh, my point was that maybe these people you mention do accept your interests but just want you to talk about them less. (For many autistic people, such as the boy I mentioned, this can be extremely difficult or impossible.)

But as I said, maybe this doesn’t apply to you at all.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I only talk about my interests a little bit, with people. I write about it, alot. I mean like alot alot. I tend to verbalize, as i am an isolated wierdo. I started recording it, now i want a digital voice recorder, badly. Then i transcribe it. It often loops at that point, re reading a script into a recorder and listening to the recording as i edit text on the screen, does that make sense?
I wish i had your skills and equipment. I have legacy gear, it was used when i was gifted it a decade ago.

Anyways, i feel a great sense of relief in this process. I call it publishing, or posting product. I rarely share it, who would listen, right? But the artwork follows a finished script, and i put that up on windows (perfect light box) and walls and homemade easels and such. I never learned digital art, not beyond a camera. Pens and paint and all that.

So after i feel its complete, i put it all away. It bugs me having it out dont know why. So far there is only one file cabinet and a dzen tubes, but i keep creating, not all the time it comes and goes. I wish i could thank the lady who gave me permission to be an artist, she saved my life.

Friends are absolutely precious. Apologize to your friend please. Talk about what they are interested in sometimes.
TAKE NOTES ! Its totally acceptable to do that, it shows interest. Another creative person wants to be around you and you are pushing them away?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My entire life as been a series of so-called "special interests". So, I have some level of understanding here. I can tell you for sure that the people around me,...they have zero interest in the things I am into. I might try to bring it into conversation,...and for a hot minute they appear to be politely interested,...then you see the eyes glaze over like they are bored, don't care, and would rather the conversation move on to some other topic. Slowly, and more recently since I have been diagnosed, I have been more socially sensitive to this phenomenon. I've just come to the fact, most people are not interested, at all, in my special interests or "hobbies" as the case may be.

As far as being "non-accepting",...I am not sure what is meant by that. It's not like you are an axe murderer ,...you have a thing for meerkats,...so, what? They may be tired of listening to you talk about meerkats or working them into a conversation,...I would understand that concept.

In an ideal world it would be nice to be able to have other people take some interest or share our enthusiasm for our special interests,...on the rare occasion, you find someone else and it really lights us up,...but sadly and generally speaking, that is not the case 99% of the time. It's taken me some time to fully comprehend this. My wife,...she doesn't care at all for what my latest interests are,...and frankly, can get a bit short tempered with me if it is something that requires spending money on. So,...I tend to spend a lot of quiet time alone on these things.

 

[Aneka]

My parents gave up trying to get me to quit talking about my special interests because they were realizing it was making me resent them and also suicidal. Now they could care less about meerkats or animals and love to hear what I have to say about them.

I fear I may have to cut someone in particular out of my life because they are not as accepting of my special interests. We used to date but then he broke up with me. I think he broke up with me because of my alexithymia and his tendency to take everything personally. I think he's grown out of the animals. He claims he still likes wolves but I doubt it. He's into that anime stuff not that there's anything wrong with that. But he's always watching to show me his original characters that are human and drawn in that anime style and talk about them but not wanting to hear about my original characters. My original characters are always animals. if I do have human original characters they are always villains for my animal characters to defeat. My animal character that represents me does not like humans due to the way she was treated as a pup and what she so happened to some of her friends.

Anyway? What do you do when people don't accept your special interest? I usually just cut them out of my life. I'm an adult now and no longer have to listen just so called therapist trying to change me to fit their perception of normal. I never wanted these friend things. And even if I did I think I would prefer them if they liked the same things I did. I won't let you people take my special interests from me. And I never did. Special interests are my main autistic trait. As an adult no one is trying to stop me from having them anymore. And I prefer it that way.

One of my older brother gets used to actually bully me about my special interest. He's coming around since he's gotten married but for a while I wanted to seriously disown him for the way he treated me.

I might cut this so-called friend out of my life too if he can't accept my special interest. Another thing I hate is a hypocrite. If he can talk about his original characters, then I should be able to talk about mine.

Anyway I'm just curious what other people do about people who don't accept their special interests. If they kick them to the curb like me or a nice and still try to make ways for people who won't accept your special interests.

You don't have to be interested in the same things as your partner or friend. Your friend doesn't have to share your interests.There needs to be an intersection that connects you but you all need your space as well. Look for a club/ community that nurtures your interests. You might find friends there but remember: Friends and people who share your interests are not the same.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

my mother did not like me standing up straight,because she says i look like a security guard doing it,then she tells me to look normal.I keep telling her why i'm always doing it because it makes me look good physically.

 

[OkRad]

If someone were to try to shame me over my SI, I would go overboard and talk about it more and more. You have a right to love what you love with the intensity you do. Life is ....."solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short" (Hobbes). Who is that person to try to squash your joy ?

 

[GadAbout]

If someone doesn't appreciate hearing about your special interest, move on. It means you aren't compatible.

However, you should consider the possibility that NO ONE is going to be compatible with you talking aboiut your special interest. In that case you have a choice. Either give up your special interest, or give up having any friends and relationships.

It's totally your call!

 

[Booknerd515]

I hold onto the special interest long enough to get them to see that it's not something someone can easily influence as most special interests of mine stay even if I don't get to talk to them about someone else. My parents have actually tried to get me out of reading books before, especially my mom. It's never worked.

My older brother hasn't agreed with all my special interests and neither have my parents. They have been emotionally mean and not understanding about them before. I just don't talk to them about my interests when that happens and so I tend to spend most of my time myself anyway. However your special interest is your special interest and it is important even if some might not like it.

I've never dated anyone. For me the idea of that would just cause even more problems since I've never had an in real life friend so I can't imagine someone wanting to date me as I know those relationships can turn toxic really fast. I'm sorry that you've had to endure that.

However as someone who has watched some anime before, I've never made up OCs that look like anime characters. I'm always glad to hear about others' OCs since I just have two of mine and they're non-human characters.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

To be 100% honest, the internet as a whole is probably partially to blame here (at least for your friend anyway). Animals-turned-into-characters dont exactly have the best reputation, and berating someone for being into that is VERY common. No, I dont know why... it's the internet. It doesnt need a reason. Outside of very specific places (which, ironically, are on the internet), you'll have a hard time finding others who can understand such a thing.

Interest in ACTUAL animals though is very common. There's plenty of places to talk about that. HOWEVER, you have to keep yourself toned down a bit. Pretty much a requirement. When it comes to our interests, people on the spectrum can be a bit... overwhelming. Slow down, dont rant everyone's ear off (so to speak) and understand that for many people "interest" does not necessarily mean "cares about deep details".

As it is, consider one possibility here... and you might not like this, but I'm going to say it anyway: It may not be your INTEREST that pushed that person away. It may have been your INTENSITY over it. Like I said: We can be overwhelming, without realizing we're doing it. That's just tough for a lot of people to deal with, even if they share the same interest.


As for what I do when confronted with this, I do.... nothing. I dont expect people to take an interest in the stuff I'm into. If for some reason they do, well, super, but if they dont, well, okay. Usually I dont bother talking about what I'm interested in unless asked. Though, I also have specific places I can go to participate in certain interests. I'm into cosplay for instance, so I go to anime/gaming conventions, where it's extremely common to do that (well it WAS, and then COVID). For other things though, not so easy.

Though, if someone is actually verbally attacking you over your interests, well... that's not okay. Someone like that isnt a friend, I'd say.

He broke up with me becuase I didn't want to talk about sexual stuff.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

What exactly do you mean when you say they don’t accept your special interests? What do they do/say? You wrote that your parents tried to get you to stop talking about meerkats and animals...did they say why they wanted you to stop? Knowing the “why” will help us give you better advice.

This is just a guess and may not apply to you, but I know that many autistic people with intense special interests tend to talk about them all the time. When I was diagnosed, my analyst told me about a little autistic boy she knew who constantly talked about vacuums and all things vacuum-related, and when he visited other people with his parents, they would tell him not to talk about vacuums because people didn’t want to hear him carry on about them for ages. Does this sound like you perhaps?

They said they needed a break from hearing about meerkats or whatever my special intrest was at the time. But none of the other kids had to take breaks from talking about animae, Harry Potter, Twlight, etc. And my aspieish dad never had to stop talking about racecars. Not that I minded hearing him talking about them but my mom kinda did.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

What exactly do you mean when you say they don’t accept your special interests? What do they do/say? You wrote that your parents tried to get you to stop talking about meerkats and animals...did they say why they wanted you to stop? Knowing the “why” will help us give you better advice.

This is just a guess and may not apply to you, but I know that many autistic people with intense special interests tend to talk about them all the time. When I was diagnosed, my analyst told me about a little autistic boy she knew who constantly talked about vacuums and all things vacuum-related, and when he visited other people with his parents, they would tell him not to talk about vacuums because people didn’t want to hear him carry on about them for ages. Does this sound like you perhaps?

If someone doesn't appreciate hearing about your special interest, move on. It means you aren't compatible.

However, you should consider the possibility that NO ONE is going to be compatible with you talking aboiut your special interest. In that case you have a choice. Either give up your special interest, or give up having any friends and relationships.

It's totally your call!

I'd rather have special interests than friends.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

So what if they talked about their special interest all the time but never allowed you to talk about yours?

 

[Kalinychta]

I realize you are an aspie, but that's no excuse. You are also 34 years old.

You.Are.Not.The.Center.Of.The.Universe.

People aren't little planets that are supposed to orbit around you and worship you and your dumb hobbies and interests. Everyone is an individual with their own lives.

I have some great special interests myself. But burning bridges every time someone doesn't like your knowledge of Pokemon or botany or whatever is going to hurt no one but you in the end.

It is impossible for some autistic people to not talk about their special interest, though. I’ve noticed on this site that there is a total misunderstanding of what “special interest” means when it comes to autism. It’s more of an obsession than an interest. Like the little boy I mentioned with the vacuums. All he thought about was vacuums. He read about them constantly, knew absolutely everything about them, and couldn’t talk about anything besides them.

The DSM describes it this way: “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in their intensity or focus (e.g. strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).” This may be what it’s like for meerkat. It may be that he can’t talk about anything other than his interests. Maybe he can tell us if this is the case?

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

I realize you are an aspie, but that's no excuse. You are also 34 years old.

You.Are.Not.The.Center.Of.The.Universe.

People aren't little planets that are supposed to orbit around you and worship you and your dumb hobbies and interests. Everyone is an individual with their own lives.

I have some great special interests myself. But burning bridges every time someone doesn't like your knowledge of Pokemon or botany or whatever is going to hurt no one but you in the end.

I LOVED that story.

 

[Misery]

I realize you are an aspie, but that's no excuse. You are also 34 years old.

You.Are.Not.The.Center.Of.The.Universe.

People aren't little planets that are supposed to orbit around you and worship you and your dumb hobbies and interests. Everyone is an individual with their own lives.

I have some great special interests myself. But burning bridges every time someone doesn't like your knowledge of Pokemon or botany or whatever is going to hurt no one but you in the end.

It's not exactly uncommon though, to have the special interests be so... focused. And it's also not uncommon to have people sort of be "incompatible" because of it not aligning.

Even for me, that's the case. If someone I know IRL has no shared interests with me? Well... aint anything happening there, then. Chances are, we arent going to stay in contact very long, if at all. I wont push said person away on purpose or act rude to them, but... it does mean that I simply wont have anything to say to them. It also means I'd be horribly bored when around them, which to me is even worse. Fortunately for me, my family is all aware of this. But I tell ya, it definitely means I dont make friends easily.

For some of us, this really is just how it goes.

....Also age has nothing to do with it.

 

[Magna]

Think of some topics that to you, are of the most boring topics you can imagine. Take a moment to really think of some such topics.

Now imagine feeling hostage to someone who went on ad nauseam with you about those topics that you personally are not interested in in the least.

That's what it feels like to other people who are not interested in our respective autistic special interests. We'd all do well to remember this and to remember how boring it would be for us if someone went on about things we don't care about.

Some of the special interests I've had in my life have been so specialized that I couldn't possibly assume with any rationality that the average person would have any interest in talking about them.

Rather than assuming that others will be interested in conversing about our special interests (and being upset if they're not), it would do us better in my opinion to assume the opposite.

 

[Markness]

So what if they talked about their special interest all the time but never allowed you to talk about yours?

It wouldn’t be fair but it’s also not good for either party to talk about only their special interests. I found out the hard way that it agitates people to only talk about one thing all the time so it’s best to find middle ground.