What do you and your spouse fight about?

[Shawn D]

For those of you who are married, what is, or are, the main thing(s) you fight about?

For my husband and me, it seems to be that he'll use the wrong word when he's trying to communicate something and I'll "correct" him, because I need clarification. He perceives what I do as trying to make him feel stupid and that I do it because I "always need to right". I tell him, it is I who am stupid, because I don't get what he's saying, or even if I suspect what he meant, I need to make sure. I do it just about every day and it really wears on him.

We also fight about what I should or should not make decisions about independently. It seems I can never figure it out and either ask for his input on the most mundane things, or I mistakenly draw inferences from past exchanges to make decisions without him that he wants to be apart of. He'll often tell me that I'm "a big girl" and can decide something on my own, but then gets mad if I decide something without him that was a more serious matter and I decide wrong. I get paralyzed in my decision-making, because I make poor ones quite often, and he wonders why I ask him a million questions about the most basic things. I feel, as they say, Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

For those of you who are married, what is, or are, the main thing(s) you fight about?

For my husband and me, it seems to be that he'll use the wrong word when he's trying to communicate something and I'll "correct" him, because I need clarification. He perceives what I do as trying to make him feel stupid and that I do it because I "always need to right". I tell him, it is I who am stupid, because I don't get what he's saying, or even if I suspect what he meant, I need to make sure. I do it just about every day and it really wears on him.

We also fight about what I should or should not make decisions about independently. It seems I can never figure it out and either ask for his input on the most mundane things, or I mistakenly draw inferences from past exchanges to make decisions without him that he wants to be apart of. He'll often tell me that I'm "a big girl" and can decide something on my own, but then gets mad if I decide something without him that was a more serious matter and I decide wrong. I get paralyzed in my decision-making, because I make poor ones quite often, and he wonders why I ask him a million questions about the most basic things. I feel, as they say, Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Instead of correcting him try asking him for the clarificaton.

That second part let me know if you ever figure that out, I have the same problem with everybody in my life.

 

[clg114]

Communication. I am a big believer in communication. If there is a problem, we should talk about it and take care of it. My wife and I are both willing to do whatever it takes to resolve problems, however she doesn't always say something when she is upset. She says she didn't want bother me with it. I explain to her that her happiness is very important to me and anything that is bothering her should be resolved right away. But it still happens. I guess I'm just not communicating well enough.

 

[Ste11aeres]

My parents used to fight about the placement of furniture. Yep.

 

[Peace]

I am sorry Shawn,
The time to work through this is when you are at peace and thinking of your love. It is not the meaning, but the words that you struggle with. Perhaps having a strategy in place will help guide you through misunderstandings. Explain that you interpret things differently and that you require further communication to understand what seems obvious to others. Have a signal prepared for when this next understanding comes about.
Best of luck.

 

[DogwoodTree]

For my husband and me, it seems to be that he'll use the wrong word when he's trying to communicate something and I'll "correct" him, because I need clarification. He perceives what I do as trying to make him feel stupid and that I do it because I "always need to right". I tell him, it is I who am stupid, because I don't get what he's saying, or even if I suspect what he meant, I need to make sure. I do it just about every day and it really wears on him.

We also fight about what I should or should not make decisions about independently. It seems I can never figure it out and either ask for his input on the most mundane things, or I mistakenly draw inferences from past exchanges to make decisions without him that he wants to be apart of. He'll often tell me that I'm "a big girl" and can decide something on my own, but then gets mad if I decide something without him that was a more serious matter and I decide wrong. I get paralyzed in my decision-making, because I make poor ones quite often, and he wonders why I ask him a million questions about the most basic things. I feel, as they say, Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Your arguments with your DH sound like my arguments with my mom...it's very hard to get a straight answer from her because she gets offended if I can't read between the lines of what she said, and I start digging in for clarification. Like your DH, she seems to think that my questions imply that SHE is stupid, not that I've had a difficult time following her thought process. To be fair, though, my family has always had a deeply ingrained fear of being thought of as stupid. Not sure where that comes from, because most of the people in my family have above average IQs, to say the least.

As for my DH, we almost never fight. Seriously, we never yell at each other, never have true arguments. We have disagreements but one of us always gives in, and not always the same one. That said, we DO have conflict, we just don't argue over it. It's actually not healthy because stuff gets buried instead of being addressed properly.

So the worst conflict for us, I think, is our differences in sex drive. I was abused as a kid, and still struggle with junk from that on top of my inborn touch sensitivities. But for me to have enough space to feel safe, he doesn't get his needs met, and he has a very significant need for touch and so on. I beat myself up for not being what he needs. And he frequently feels rejected and ignored because of my need for space just to keep from being tormented by flashbacks and stuff. We still don't have a real solution.

 

[Shawn D]

So the worst conflict for us, I think, is our differences in sex drive. I was abused as a kid, and still struggle with junk from that on top of my inborn touch sensitivities. But for me to have enough space to feel safe, he doesn't get his needs met, and he has a very significant need for touch and so on. I beat myself up for not being what he needs. And he frequently feels rejected and ignored because of my need for space just to keep from being tormented by flashbacks and stuff. We still don't have a real solution.

We have the same problem. I, too, was molested as a kid and I'm very sensitive about being touched as a result. I'm always batting my DH's hand away. I'm not into sex and it really bothers my DH. If it's been awhile and I refuse and my DH complains, I try to give him what he refers to as "pity sex", which he doesn't always want when all is said and done. We don't have a good solution either.

 

[DogwoodTree]

We have the same problem. I, too, was molested as a kid and I'm very sensitive about being touched as a result. I'm always batting my DH's hand away. I'm not into sex and it really bothers my DH. If it's been awhile and I refuse and my DH complains, I try to give him what he refers to as "pity sex", which he doesn't always want when all is said and done. We don't have a good solution either.

I did that for long time...we've been married almost 20 years. But it got to where that kind of thing made the flashbacks unbearable. I almost self-destructed earlier this year because of it, so we realized he was just going to have to deal with less contact while I work through some things. It was really tough for both of us, obviously for him and also for me because I felt like such a failure. I still do. This is the one thing that can send me into a tailspin when I look at how terrible I feel about it all.

 

[StephF]

The only time my spouse complains is if she doesn't have enough swap space or bandwidth. Usually we work well together.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I don't want to get into the bad stuff, so here's the light stuff we mostly just tease each other about:

- He's hot natured, I'm cold natured. We fight over my blankets trying to eat him during the night.
- He loves olives, I can't stand them, so I tell him to stop stinking up the house. And he has to change the kid's diaper if he gives him some because an olive poop is worse than a too-much-juice poop!
- I love cinnamon, he not so much, so he goes on about my poor taste in seasoning.
- And just for the heck of it, I tease him about leaving the toilet seat when I feel like it. Because that's what normal girls do.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

For those of you who are married, what is, or are, the main thing(s) you fight about?

For my husband and me, it seems to be that he'll use the wrong word when he's trying to communicate something and I'll "correct" him, because I need clarification. He perceives what I do as trying to make him feel stupid and that I do it because I "always need to right". I tell him, it is I who am stupid, because I don't get what he's saying, or even if I suspect what he meant, I need to make sure. I do it just about every day and it really wears on him.

We also fight about what I should or should not make decisions about independently. It seems I can never figure it out and either ask for his input on the most mundane things, or I mistakenly draw inferences from past exchanges to make decisions without him that he wants to be apart of. He'll often tell me that I'm "a big girl" and can decide something on my own, but then gets mad if I decide something without him that was a more serious matter and I decide wrong. I get paralyzed in my decision-making, because I make poor ones quite often, and he wonders why I ask him a million questions about the most basic things. I feel, as they say, Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

For the clarification of words he uses say something like "For that word that you used does that mean the same as (your word)". If what you say is said in a statement way then it would feel (to me) like I was being corrected. I think the thing that NT's in Aspie's lives don't get (or for some don't want to get) is that there is a communication difference between the two that will never really go away. It's gotta be hard on both parties involved. Coming from an NT point of view, sometimes whenever I talk to my Aspie friend and I say something and I get no response, I wonder 'Did I say it right? Was I not literal enough? Did he not get that what I said was a joke?' Then I think if I ask him if he understood what I said I feel like I'm talking down to him.

I know that it must really be hard for Aspies to live in the "normal" world, but if an NT wants to truly communicate with their Aspie as a person with respect, it is also hard for an NT to be in a friendship/relationship with an Aspie because it is like learning a whole new language.

About what you make decisions on, I would just say to have the both of you make joint decisions on things for awhile. Also, if I was the Aspie, if he said I could make decisions about something on my own then I would keep a paper list of those things so that he couldn't get mad later if I made what he thought was the wrong decision. I know to some making lists may sound childish, but you need to have concrete rules to live by at this time to help decrease arguments. And him making the "big girl" comment would send me into a meltdown. He needs to stop saying that as it is very condescending. I tell you, that's probably why I'm not married because if I had a husband who talked down to me I'd have to first send him to the Waldo room (like I do with Waldo when he's been bad) then call the divorce lawyer.

 

[epath13]

In my opinion we fight about nothing. We both end up fighting when one or both of us are annoyed, tired or overwhelmed in general. As I always say when his ADHD and my AS collide things happen. I don't get angry with my family or friends but I can snap and make problems out of nothing when I haven't had a break in a long time. But even though fights could seem disfunctional and meaningless, they helped us to understand each other better weird