What Aspies Must Understand About Their Feelings

[Tia Maria]

Your apology is accepted, tia maria oh and I sadly do not work, well I do lol since I am married. I live in France and it is not my hair colour, because many females dye their hair, my colour, but do not have to contend with my reddish skin and even had a nurse point to my flushed skin and whisper to her colleague. In England, I did not even take notice of my skin, because my husband finds me sexy lol but here, in France, that all has changed and I hate my colour, but naturally, not a great deal I can do about it.

I actually strongly believe that if each human being was to be Christ like even if they do not believe), that there would be no need for overly sensitive people, because no perceived or intended jokes would come their way. We humans complicate issues, by putting rules in, where they do not exist. I think of health and safety here, where fundamentally common sense dictates what is safe and not, but with all the heavy rules and regulations, pushed upon us, that "safe" environment actually becomes unsafe. I think also of hygiene. Some parents go over board and cause a child's immune system to break down. When I was in therapy, my councillor said to me: who do you think out of you and me, who has the better immune system? I said, of course her, because she had a clean environment. She actually shocked me when she said: actually you do, because your body had to adapt to filthy conditions. I shot back: so you are giving those parents an excuse with how they treated me? She of course, had to explain that she was not talking about that aspect. I only discovered aspergers about 5 year's ago and so, at my counselling days, I had no idea of what was going on.

We are told to put away obscene jesting etc ie bible says this and as someone who is striving to be a christian, I endeavour to do that, but I fail many times; mostly sexual innuendo, but am working on that.

Lol sorry, I see I digress much here.

For an NT you are not so bad

And thank you for understanding & accepting my apology.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you for sharing all that. I will share a similar one with you another time when I am not so tired! I totally agree with what you said about people trying to be more Christ like. Emphasis on trying! But caring for other people, for each other, is the difference IMO. I see a lot of that here on this site & it is refreshing. You are a good person Suzanne. 'Not so bad for an NT' ... that's apparently a big compliment so I'll take it! Good night! I hope you sleep well!

Just to add that it is not night here lol and sleep is far away hehe you have a good night and awe you are sweet for thinking me good. I can be some times lol

 

[deema]

As you obviously know, the obligation that a mother owes her child, even at that age of HS or college graduate, is not comparable to the obligation of a new roommate. The new roommate understandably does not really want to take their time to attend their new roommate's special event regardless that it is a special occasion that justifies celebration. The mother as described has done an injustice to her child. <3

Yes, I know, thanks. That was, actually, my point. Made countering another post. To show that that is why you cannot use the different reactions based on who the---- i just smoked a j, i cant even finish that thought, I forgot mid sentence

 

[Maelstrom]

Your "who is the villain" here question is not on point, forget about the reactionary side, it comes after and so doesnt mean anything relative to what came before it. And it doesnt matter if you know they are "not trying to hurt you", and yet it still hurts you, because it still hurts you... This is why the responsibility is not, at all, on the one getting hurt, but by the other who knows that they can potentially hurt the other, and so must take steps to avoid that.

Bottom line is this. It is possible to take steps to not hurt another. It is not possible to take steps to avoid being hurt, other than removing/shielding/transforming any emotional connection with that other person. This is the reason, this exact line of issue, that for me, as the aspie that I am, the only thing that can interfere with my flawless use of logic, is emotion. It turns the rational , irrational, and vice/versa

Ah! (deema), You are missing my point, there are rules in how you assign evil or harm to others. Intent does matter, on how much blame you assign, and how you react, feeling bad does not give you a free pass to do what ever rotten thing in that comes to your mind to that person. My ex-es step Mom who is forever trying to play the victim, was telling me one day how one of the sweetest kindest ladies at my church supposedly rolled her eyes at her. So step mom said she went over to her and chewed her out up one side and down the other. She then proceeded to black ball that lady and her entire family despite repeated attempts to befriend her, for years and still is black balling her to this day. This sweet lady was my mothers best friend and one of the most of pleasant kindest people I've ever met. So the step mom ends the story looking accrossed the room at me for validation and sympathy over how she was supposedly offended by this person...I was mortified she did all that horrible stuff to her over such a little thing, that may have been a simple misreading of the face.

 

[Maelstrom]

"Tia Maria, And certainly if someone knows that another person is sensitive about a certain topic, they should try to avoid offending them because that is the nice & decent way to treat others.

PS - People who are overly-sensitive, about a lot of things, generally come across as "difficult" to most NTs ... meaning that they are difficult to please &/or get along with. Most NTs find that stressful so wish to avoid or limit their interactions with them, preferring the company of easy going people.

I could say allot on this thread but, (Tia Maria), rapped it up pretty good. At the end of the day if we want to have friends and a happy life we have do our best to not step on other peoples toes, and we have to do our best to let as much stuff slide as we can, and we hope the people we love will do the same for us because sooner or later we all mess up. There are people in life where you just Sigh! pick your self up, dust your self off, and try to remember to stay on the other side of the street the next time you see them. I don't know how to pars the Godly thing to do on that one, (I struggle with it), but even Jesus dusted off his sandals once or twice, some people just spread the pain and misery. The basic principle, (and there are practical limitations), is you give mercy to get mercy.

 

[deema]

Ah! (deema), You are missing my point, there are rules in how you assign evil or harm to others. Intent does matter, on how much blame you assign, and how you react, feeling bad does not give you a free pass to do what ever rotten thing in that comes to your mind to that person. My ex-es step Mom who is forever trying to play the victim, was telling me one day how one of the sweetest kindest ladies at my church supposedly rolled her eyes at her. So step mom said she went over to her and chewed her out up one side and down the other. She then proceeded to black ball that lady and her entire family despite repeated attempts to befriend her, for years and still is to this day. This lady was my mothers best friend and one of the most of pleasant kindest people I've ever met. So the step mom ends the story looking accrossed the room at me for validation and sympathy over how she was supposedly offended by this person...I was mortified she did all that horrible stuff over such a little thing, that may have been a simple misreading of the face.

Okay. I am not saying that it CANNOT be how you say it, I'm just saying that it doesnt HAVE to be this way, and that people can and do get hurt feelings, due to others' actions, regardless of intent or any other element. There is no rationalizing emotion, simple as that. Everything about emotion is irrational because it relies on "itself"(more feelings) on what to base its handling of things, on... i think I jacked up that sentence but no time right now

 

[Maelstrom]

Okay. I am not saying that it CANNOT be how you say it, I'm just saying that it doesnt HAVE to be this way, and that people can and do get hurt feelings, due to others' actions, regardless of intent or any other element. There is no rationalizing emotion, simple as that. Everything about emotion is irrational because it relies on "itself"(more feelings) on what to base its handling of things, on... i think I jacked up that sentence but no time right now

Hi (deema), thank you you just made my point emotions are not rational so it is not safe to judge people based on hurt feelings they may not be fair or correct. Measuring evil in others is something that should be done with care using real facts and long term patterns. A side note on that I'm not very sentimental person I don't care much about sides or groups or who's pet idea got stepped on I prefer cold merit in most everything. With my Auti pattern thing I don't miss hidden trends much, some of the likes on this thread took a hard disturbing turn...my shark count just jumped a few notches.

 

[deema]

Hi (deema), thank you you just made my point emotions are not rational so it is not safe to judge people based on hurt feelings they may not be fair or correct. Measuring evil in others is something that should be done with care using real facts and long term patterns. A side note on that I'm not very sentimental person I don't care much about sides or groups or who's pet idea got stepped on I prefer cold merit in most everything. With my Auti pattern thing I don't miss hidden trends much, some of the likes on this thread took a hard disturbing turn...my shark count just jumped a few notches.

HAHAhah,,, no no no, i most certainly did not make your point. Ill reply in more detail, later, but just wanted to assure you that my comment in no way supports your argument....

\
But nice try

 

[Maelstrom]

"deema, post: 191612, member: 12673"]HAHAhah,,, no no no, i most certainly did not make your point. Ill reply in more detail, later, but just wanted to assure you that my comment in no way supports your argument....

\
But nice try

Ha ha! yes you did, you stepped right into Maelstroms evil claws...no taking backsees...allowed.......and no separating linked events either ...

 

[deema]

Ha ha! yes you did, you stepped right into Maelstroms evil claws...no taking backsees...allowed.......and no separating linked events either ...

what? no, look, check it.. If A MOTHER HURTS A CHILD'S FEELINGS,THAT CHILD, ANY PERSON, HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE THE OTHER, based on that. YOU or I don't have a place to judge, but the person that is the subject of the hurt sure as sh!t does.You should look at emotional pain the same as physical. A person can cause both in another.

 

[Peace]

I do not disagree with you deema, however I do not believe that what you say is the whole answer. There is more than one way to look at things and you seem to be focused on only one. What I started out talking about was that after several decades I now realize that there is a different way of thinking about your feelings.
Behaviors by others that used to seriously hurt my feelings no longer have that effect. It was not always what they were doing, but how I took it that hurt me. I of course could not see this and blamed them.

 

[Tia Maria]

I do not disagree with you deema, however I do not believe that what you say is the whole answer. There is more than one way to look at things and you seem to be focused on only one. What I started out talking about was that after several decades I now realize that there is a different way of thinking about your feelings.
Behaviors by others that used to seriously hurt my feelings no longer have that effect. It was not always what they were doing, but how I took it that hurt me. I of course could not see this and blamed them.

Bingo! (IMO ) I think with the exception, which deema seems to be focusing on - is the parent/child relationship. That relationship involves a child, dependent on their parent or caretaker, and is not comparable to anything else we experience in life, especially as adults or young adults, and adult to adult interactions.

 

[deema]

I do not disagree with you deema, however I do not believe that what you say is the whole answer. There is more than one way to look at things and you seem to be focused on only one. What I started out talking about was that after several decades I now realize that there is a different way of thinking about your feelings.
Behaviors by others that used to seriously hurt my feelings no longer have that effect. It was not always what they were doing, but how I took it that hurt me. I of course could not see this and blamed them.

Funnily enough, this is the ONE time/scenario that mutlple perepective argument is not only wrong, but it is exactly the one thing that cannot, n any way, be considered, as it is ONLY theway that the "victim" feels, that means ANYTHING, in this aument's regard. IT IS IRRELEVANT THAT I AS AN ASPE MAY UNINTENTINOALLY HURT SOMEONE'[S FEELINGSJ, BY NOT SHOWING ANY INTEREST IN SOMETHINGT THAT THEY WERE SO HAPPEY TO HOW AND SHARE WITH ME... doesnt matter if i did it accidentalliy or purposefully. THAT wliud be where the offense aregument could take hold Offense is from intention. FEELINGSS a--- okay, look,, it is possible by being clever with the definitinos of words that your 'on own self' argument hodls. Thae fact that any chemical reacionjt in the brain startts in our own brain, doesnt get injectedAnd thatt sometyhing only hurts another because that person caresenough about the others' actiojn . and such

. wait, is this the fn hurt feelings thread? Ya, that thread, that

 

[Spiller]

I agree with Peace that after several decades of experience I have also come to see people differently to how I did when I was younger.
I accept that a child doesn't have the life experience to put 'bad' parenting into context, I didn't when my mother suffered with mental health issues and was unable to be a mother.. but I find I can't now bring myself to judge anyone for their actions based on those actions alone.
I could consider myself and others I've met bad parents for our own inability to look after our children as we might have wished, due to our own issues; mine has been severe depression on top of AS and my boys have not had the experiences I would have wanted them to.. but my issues aren't apparent from my behavior alone.. so how I am judged or not as a parent by others is their choice, their thoughts, their behavior; it need not affect me.
So I think and feel that I have to be compassionate enough to give anyone whose behavior hurts others' feelings consideration by not judging them..
I don't know what motivation causes one person to hurt another in any way, I can't personally conceive of intentionally harming anyone.. so is there such a creature as a bad or evil person, or is it just that I don't know what motivates them?
I've come to believe that the only person in a position to judge you is yourself; the only person in a position to hurt you is yourself.

 

[Maelstrom]

"Spiller, post: 192159, member: 11082"]I agree with Peace that after several decades of experience I have also come to see people differently to how I did when I was younger.
I accept that a child doesn't have the life experience to put 'bad' parenting into context, I didn't when my mother suffered with mental health issues and was unable to be a mother.. but I find I can't now bring myself to judge anyone for their actions based on those actions alone.
I could consider myself and others I've met bad parents for our own inability to look after our children as we might have wished, due to our own issues; mine has been severe depression on top of AS and my boys have not had the experiences I would have wanted them to.. but my issues aren't apparent from my behavior alone.. so how I am judged or not as a parent by others is their choice, their thoughts, their behavior; it need not affect me.
So I think and feel that I have to be compassionate enough to give anyone whose behavior hurts others' feelings consideration by not judging them..
I don't know what motivation causes one person to hurt another in any way, I can't personally conceive of intentionally harming anyone.. so is there such a creature as a bad or evil person, or is it just that I don't know what motivates them?
I've come to believe that the only person in a position to judge you is yourself; the only person in a position to hurt you is yourself.

I agree with you, (Spillar), on the parenting thing I think all parents end up feeling bad about missing stuff on kids, each kid is as mystery rapped in a puzzle, even NTs miss tons of stuff with the kids. You have to give that to God and do your best, there are no guarantees in life on how things turn out. Deema is right that the out come, (damage), on hurt feelings matters, Peace is right that intent, (good will), matters, and Spillar you are right that natural, (ability), matters. At the end of the day to be fair you need measure all 3 at the same time, when deciding weather a person is good or bad or safe to be around. It takes more work to be fair and nice, but it has its hidden rewards sometimes.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't think she said all NTs are like that, but some are. But it is not necessarily a uniquely NT behaviour as I think aspies can do this too.
Apologies is a funny topic. Many aspies struggle to apologise, especially if they can't see that they did anything wrong. That would in itself be a lie.

But when two people are in a disagreement both parties are going to think they are right. Apologizing from both sides is like a truce and things can restart again from the beginning. Now I'm understanding a little the "agree to disagree" my Aspie friend said when we were at odds with each other.

If you were in an argument with your wife and you both thought you were right what do you do next? Something has to smooth it over, otherwise you're going to be sleeping on the couch. That "something" is an apology - from both people. After an apology, most "normal" NT people will do all they can to work through a problem. An apology goes a long way.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I disagree that ones feelings get hurt by another. The same action to two different people will invoke two different feelings, thus it is not the action but the perception that creates the feeling.

Whether my feelings get hurt depends on how important the other person is to me. Family or close friend - my feelings get hurt. Co-worker or stranger my feelings are offended and I get pissed off and may even say something depending on the situation.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If someone you love dies, do they hurt your feelings? If someone you love leaves you do they hurt your feelings? When your mom and dad sent you to your room did they hurt your feelings?

When someone dies that person has no control over that - unless its a suicide - then yes, that person would greatly hurt my feelings. If someone leaves me, then yes, that person hurt my feelings because they made a conscious decision to leave me. I never got sent to my room, so I'll leave that alone. The sent-to-your-room is more of a childhood problem, but at that age the child would probably feel hurt even though they were being disciplined for something they did wrong.

 

[zurb]

I don't think anyone should have to apologize for having an opinion or stating a fact.
However, it may be appropriate to apologize for the method of delivery of said opinion or fact.
But it may be very difficult for an aspie to separate content from delivery, thus the apology becomes difficult.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't think anyone should have to apologize for having an opinion or stating a fact.
However, it may be appropriate to apologize for the method of delivery of said opinion or fact.
But it may be very difficult for an aspie to separate content from delivery, thus the apology becomes difficult.

Ok, I understand what you're saying. Apologize for the delivery makes sense and is probably what I'm referring to. I always apologize after a disagreement that I and the other person were arguing in the first place. Now if you (Aspie) knows that an apology is usually needed when having a disagreement with an NT, would you, as an Aspie do that?