What are some of the biggest lies you heard about highly sensitive people? (supportive thread)

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Note: you do not have to reply to this thread if you don’t want to. This is based off of my personal experiences and may not the same for many other HSP’s.

https://medium.com/mind-cafe/how-highly-sensitive-people-control-the-rest-of-us-a13285ed1895
As a highly sensitive person, I need to address this as I was harassed by someone who was insensitive and disrespectful. The link above is a good example of harmful stereotypes ingrained regarding people who are highly sensitive. So here are my takes on the biggest lies about people with high sensitivity:

- That we are controlling everybody else
This is the biggest stereotype of HSP’s I cannot stand, it makes us sound like if we are addressing someone’s bad behavior, then WE must be in the wrong because we are supposedly taking things too personally and “manipulating” non-HSP’s and being unfair to them. This belief ends up becoming more and more excusable for non-HSP’s to portray people they don’t understand as the bad guys thus making it justified to discriminate them.

- That we are being unreasonable
I find it utterly disgusting that people STILL believe this crap. This belief diminishes our ability to perceive our surroundings and places non-HSP’s in a superiority complex.

- That we are too overly sensitive/weak/emotional thin-skinned bullies
This is another extremely common stereotype portraying HSP’s, even in positive articles that uses images of people crying. This implies the belief that HSP’s are weak, fragile, cry-bullies who are totally fine with bullying/harassing others who don’t believe the same things we do, yet we instantly break down in tears when someone says something we don’t like. Non-HSP’s can say we’re just offended and always taking things personally and that we are the problem, yet will fail to realize any harm they’ve done. This belief is a perfect example for some people to project blame onto us and keep us quiet. It also allows insensitive people to get away with treating us like doormats.

- That we are hypocrites
Everybody can be hypocritical sometimes, but this portrayal is ridiculous! It implies that we don’t want anyone else discussing anything that’s supposedly important including pointing out any single bad thing regarding something we support, yet we’re ok with doing the same thing. Using this tactic is a harsh way of silencing us HSP’s and makes our situation worse.

- That we cannot handle criticism/opinions that do not align with our own
As an HSP, I, along with my fellow HSP’s, have been constantly accused of this, even in HSP supportive forums. The problem is though, that belief is dismissive to our individuality, and it excuses rude people to bully us and gaslight us into believing that we are the ones in the wrong. Several people I’ve encountered are really good at manipulating me into believing that I asked for their “opinion” when they don’t have a damn clue about their harmful behavior. Keep in mind that in several instances that people may use their “opinions” as an excuse to minimize our experiences and feelings.

- That we are vocal about everything that hurts our feelings and don’t know when to shut up
Another huge lie by non-HSP’s. This applies that we are asking to be noticed, that we’re all about “me me me!!”, that we are superior to those who don’t deserve the attention. This is far from the truth. As a minority, we struggle with speaking up about our experiences, and keep our emotions to ourselves. We tend to blame ourselves for our sensitivity (even if sensitivity is a powerful gift), and the negative treatment we get from others makes things worse.

- That we are making a choice to place ourselves in a pity party
This implies that we are “choosing” to be overly sensitive and being a bunch of helpless crybabies. That we have NO REASON to get upset, that we are being lazy and expecting others to baby us, that we can’t get off our lazy asses and help ourselves. I’ve had an argument with one person regarding empathy and his idea was that we are just “choosing” to be helpless. He claims that it’s just the cold hard reality, yet he fails to acknowledge that the cold harsh reality also has physical obstacles that hinder our progress. I addressed that to him, but of course he didn’t listen and kept harassing me. I stopped engaging with him.

We are constantly living in a world where toxic positivity thrives and is dismissive of us HSP’s for having a voice which portrays us as just being entitled bullies and whiny babies. Keep in mind this is not to be mean to non-HSP’s. I am only trying to address the harmful beliefs ingrained against HSP’s. I just need to get this off my chest, as I’ve had a very bad time for the past couple of days.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

 

[TBRS1]

If I didn't have legs, nobody would accuse me of being manipulative for using a wheelchair, wanting a ramp, and refusing to use the stairs.

When one has an invisible issue, it is easy for people to not see it. Not seeing it, they believe it is imaginary. Being imaginary, it becomes understandable only as a manipulative trick.

The solution is education - all people learning that not all true things are always immediately observable by all the people all the time.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

If I didn't have legs, nobody would accuse me of being manipulative for using a wheelchair, wanting a ramp, and refusing to use the stairs.

When one has an invisible issue, it is easy for people to not see it. Not seeing it, they believe it is imaginary. Being imaginary, it becomes understandable only as a manipulative trick.

The solution is education - all people learning that not all true things are always immediately observable by all the people all the time.

Exactly! But unfortunately since society wants to believe that we’re just whining for no reason and not making any “effort”, they remain stubborn to their beliefs but still claim it’s OUR fault.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Note: you do not have to reply to this thread if you don’t want to. This is based off of my personal experiences and may not the same for many other HSP’s.

https://medium.com/mind-cafe/how-highly-sensitive-people-control-the-rest-of-us-a13285ed1895
As a highly sensitive person, I need to address this as I was harassed by someone who was insensitive and disrespectful. The link above is a good example of harmful stereotypes ingrained regarding people who are highly sensitive. So here are my takes on the biggest lies about people with high sensitivity:

- That we are controlling everybody else
This is the biggest stereotype of HSP’s I cannot stand, it makes us sound like if we are addressing someone’s bad behavior, then WE must be in the wrong because we are supposedly taking things too personally and “manipulating” non-HSP’s and being unfair to them. This belief ends up becoming more and more excusable for non-HSP’s to portray people they don’t understand as the bad guys thus making it justified to discriminate them.

- That we are being unreasonable
I find it utterly disgusting that people STILL believe this crap. This belief diminishes our ability to perceive our surroundings and places non-HSP’s in a superiority complex.

- That we are too overly sensitive/weak/emotional thin-skinned bullies
This is another extremely common stereotype portraying HSP’s, even in positive articles that uses images of people crying. This implies the belief that HSP’s are weak, fragile, cry-bullies who are totally fine with bullying/harassing others who don’t believe the same things we do, yet we instantly break down in tears when someone says something we don’t like. Non-HSP’s can say we’re just offended and always taking things personally and that we are the problem, yet will fail to realize any harm they’ve done. This belief is a perfect example for some people to project blame onto us and keep us quiet. It also allows insensitive people to get away with treating us like doormats.

- That we are hypocrites
Everybody can be hypocritical sometimes, but this portrayal is ridiculous! It implies that we don’t want anyone else discussing anything that’s supposedly important including pointing out any single bad thing regarding something we support, yet we’re ok with doing the same thing. Using this tactic is a harsh way of silencing us HSP’s and makes our situation worse.

- That we cannot handle criticism/opinions that do not align with our own
As an HSP, I, along with my fellow HSP’s, have been constantly accused of this, even in HSP supportive forums. The problem is though, that belief is dismissive to our individuality, and it excuses rude people to bully us and gaslight us into believing that we are the ones in the wrong. Several people I’ve encountered are really good at manipulating me into believing that I asked for their “opinion” when they don’t have a damn clue about their harmful behavior. Keep in mind that in several instances that people may use their “opinions” as an excuse to minimize our experiences and feelings.

- That we are vocal about everything that hurts our feelings and don’t know when to shut up
Another huge lie by non-HSP’s. This applies that we are asking to be noticed, that we’re all about “me me me!!”, that we are superior to those who don’t deserve the attention. This is far from the truth. As a minority, we struggle with speaking up about our experiences, and keep our emotions to ourselves. We tend to blame ourselves for our sensitivity (even if sensitivity is a powerful gift), and the negative treatment we get from others makes things worse.

- That we are making a choice to place ourselves in a pity party
This implies that we are “choosing” to be overly sensitive and being a bunch of helpless crybabies. That we have NO REASON to get upset, that we are being lazy and expecting others to baby us, that we can’t get off our lazy asses and help ourselves. I’ve had an argument with one person regarding empathy and his idea was that we are just “choosing” to be helpless. He claims that it’s just the cold hard reality, yet he fails to acknowledge that the cold harsh reality also has physical obstacles that hinder our progress. I addressed that to him, but of course he didn’t listen and kept harassing me. I stopped engaging with him.

We are constantly living in a world where toxic positivity thrives and is dismissive of us HSP’s for having a voice which portrays us as just being entitled bullies and whiny babies. Keep in mind this is not to be mean to non-HSP’s. I am only trying to address the harmful beliefs ingrained against HSP’s. I just need to get this off my chest, as I’ve had a very bad time for the past couple of days.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

As I am reading this, do consider some perspective and context. Many of these very same behaviors are classic narcissistic traits, and seen as toxic. The difference being that the narcissists weaponize their traits and people around them are used, manipulated, and get really pissed off. HSPs generally have something else going on and are not "users" of people. Now, most people are not psychologists nor psychiatrists, and because of that, most are not going to discriminate between someone who is an HSP versus a toxic narcissist. Most people see these behaviors and immediately have a negative reaction and not discriminate. I am thinking this is what you are sensing and being put into a defensive mode, and rightfully so.

Most people do not have the patience for emotional people. At work, I have things to do, I am under a time constraint. Most people see emotional outbursts and immediately give up on the person. "Fine, go sit in the corner and cry. I will do it, just so I don't have to deal with you." At that point, you might as well just leave. You ARE being interpreted as weak and useless. Your credibility is downgraded. No one wants to be around a "negative Nancy" . Do you see where I am going with this? If your emotions are inhibiting your ability to function, this is NOT good. People are going to be dismissive of you.

Now, if use your emotions and experiences as fuel, an internal drive for positive ACTION, instead of negative inaction, you will be seen as something quite different.

Perspective and context.

 

[LadyS]

One thing I've noticed about the highly emotional or sensitive is that they can constantly find ways and reasons to be a victim of something or someone. And I'm not talking about any group in particular like HSPs.. it could be as simple as someone who's not getting their own wants/desires met but are quick to judge others or quick to temper.

The main problem of this, and I have to say this, is that they expect everyone to cater to their needs but not willing to consider that others are human too and probably dealing with their own demons. It's very self-centric. They feel that this person or that person wronged them by not doing exactly what they wanted or expected and suddenly they're the "bad" apples. But then wonder why they get treated a certain way by others. It's an endless cycle.

If one wishes to be treated better by others, one also has to consider that you have to give others the benefit of the doubt too. Calling others bullies because they don't understand you, you can quickly become the insensitive person you claim others are. It's a cycle with no end. To break it though it means having to take some hits, it's true and very difficult. But true empathy is always hard. It means putting your own ego aside which not many are willing to do or maybe it doesn't come naturally.

To clarify, I'm not saying about you specifically, just in general.. like you, wanted to get it off my chest as I've always noticed posts by others about the insensitivity of others but as autistics, one has to remember that others can see us this way too because we don't react "accordingly" to their own point of view.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

One thing I've noticed about the highly emotional or sensitive is that they can constantly find ways and reasons to be a victim of something or someone. And I'm not talking about any group in particular like HSPs.. it could be as simple as someone who's not getting their own wants/desires met but are quick to judge others or quick to temper.

The main problem of this, and I have to say this, is that they expect everyone to cater to their needs but not willing to consider that others are human too and probably dealing with their own demons. It's very self-centric. They feel that this person or that person wronged them by not doing exactly what they wanted or expected and suddenly they're the "bad" apples. But then wonder why they get treated a certain way by others. It's an endless cycle.

If one wishes to be treated better by others, one also has to consider that you have to give others the benefit of the doubt too. Calling others bullies because they don't understand you, you can quickly become the insensitive person you claim others are. It's a cycle with no end. To break it though it means having to take some hits, it's true and very difficult. But true empathy is always hard. It means putting your own ego aside which not many are willing to do or maybe it doesn't come naturally.

To clarify, I'm not saying about you specifically, just in general.. like you, wanted to get it off my chest as I've always noticed posts by others about the insensitivity of others but as autistics, one has to remember that others can see us this way too because we don't react "accordingly".

Once again, we are dealing with perspective and context. You've made some good points.

"Emotionally needy" people are quite difficult to understand and deal with. This incessant need for positive attention and validation. This inability to process negativity or any idea that doesn't conform to their perception of the world. Villainizing others who don't give you the attention you want and blaming others for their lot in life. These are toxic behaviors that myself and many others will reject and try to avoid. Like I suggested above, whether a person is an innocent HSP or a manipulative narcissist, people are not going to take the time to distinguish between the two.

 

[LadyS]

Once again, we are dealing with perspective and context. You've made some good points.

"Emotionally needy" people are quite difficult to understand and deal with. This incessant need for positive attention and validation. This inability to process negativity or any idea that doesn't conform to their perception of the world. Villainizing others who don't give you the attention you want and blaming others for their lot in life. These are toxic behaviors that myself and many others will reject and try to avoid. Like I suggested above, whether a person is an innocent HSP or a manipulative narcissist, people are not going to take the time to distinguish between the two.

It's funny that you brought up narcissists because I've had the exact experience. Unfortunately I found out a best friend is possibly a covert narcissist (I say possibly because there's no official diagnosis buts definitely more than probable as they show nearly all the definitive signs). Through out the years, I always sympathized with her as this person was very emotionally sensitive and constantly victims of others "insensitivity". It was a gut punch when I realized the perpetual "victimhood" all had a common denominator: her. And the moment I stopped sympathizing and started questioning that she could possibly be causing some of the strife herself, she cut me off immediately (after nearly 3 decades of close friendship).

And not just myself, others starting doing the same thing (not villainizing her, mind you, but telling her that she wasn't always a victim of certain situations, that she had to realize it wasn't always about her). As a result, she has now burned bridges with nearly everyone who has not 100% fully aligned with her point of view. That is NOT normal behavior, but as you say toxic. It is insensitive to expect others to be fully committed to cater to your every whim. The world cannot revolve around each individual.

 

[Plinth]

I dont know the term Highly Sensitive People so I havent heard any lies about it.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I dont know the term Highly Sensitive People so I havent heard any lies about it.

You should try to learn about us and understand our perspectives. That way, you’ll be be more aware of how harmful some beliefs about us are which dehumanize us.

 

[bard]

This is all above me. I still don't understand the idea of gaslighting that well.
What I get is this, HSPs are magnets for Narcissists who eat them over time. I get that. Yet, I don't think the narcissists think they are doing anything wrong or being unkind or being unloving to any great degree as they do this.
It's all kind of weird, because an autistic with hsp would be... I don't know... deeply caring, yet can't read faces... intuitive by concern, yet blind to body language... and so forth-

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

This is all above me. I still don't understand the idea of gaslighting that well.
What I get is this, HSPs are magnets for Narcissists who eat them over time. I get that. Yet, I don't think the narcissists think they are doing anything wrong or being unkind or being unloving to any great degree as they do this.
It's all kind of weird, because an autistic with hsp would be... I don't know... deeply caring, yet can't read faces... intuitive by concern, yet blind to body language... and so forth-

It’s only weird if you view the common traits in an autistic male, but it’s more common for women in the spectrum because we have an easier time understanding these gestures.

You should not make generalizations about people thinking they’re weird for being autistic and HSP at the same time because we express autism and sensitivity differently. It tells us autistics with extreme emotional sensitivity that we’re unwanted and not normal because according to you, we’re “weird”.

Seriously, don’t call people weird just because we have different thinking and feeling processes from you. It’s really offensive and it hurts deeply.

 

[Rodafina]

It’s only weird if you view the common traits in an autistic male, but it’s more common for women in the spectrum because we have an easier time understanding these gestures.

You should not make generalizations about people thinking they’re weird for being autistic and HSP at the same time because we express autism and sensitivity differently. It tells us autistics with extreme emotional sensitivity that we’re unwanted and not normal because according to you, we’re “weird”.

Seriously, don’t call people weird just because we have different thinking and feeling processes from you. It’s really offensive and it hurts deeply.

He didn't call you or anyone else weird. He said "It's all kind of weird..." As if it's an interesting concept to try to get one's head around. I don't think this is a time to take offense.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

He didn't call you or anyone else weird. He said "It's all kind of weird..." As if it's an interesting concept to try to get one's head around. I don't think this is a time to take offense.

This is not taking offense, this is me expressing my opinion. I didn’t say it was offensive, I said it was making generalizations. Feeling offended and feeling hurt are not the same thing.

And I have the right to feel hurt about something whether you like it or not.

 

[Rodafina]

I didn’t say it was offensive,

This is your quote:

It’s really offensive and it hurts deeply.

Seems like you're angry. Probably best for me to let you be.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

This is your quote:


Seems like you're angry. Probably best for me to let you be.

Oh sure, well you should’ve just let me be to begin with. All you’re doing is twisting my words to make my argument sound unreasonable.

And you’re implying that people taking offense over something that may actually hurt them is THEIR problem instead of the person saying such things. The definition of offend according to the dictionary is to cause someone to feel upset and hurt. It shifts responsibility away from the perpetrator and into the recipient/s.

“Seems like you’re angry”, no, it’s actually you who believes this way when you truly don’t know me. And just because I put the word offensive in the context doesn’t mean everyone who is hurt by unkind statements is offended. And it also doesn’t people who ARE offended have no reason to feel upset. All that argument does is act dismissive.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Oh sure, well you should’ve just let me be to begin with. All you’re doing is twisting my words to make my argument sound unreasonable.

You do have a right to be angry, but in fairness you also generalized about men and women. This is offensive to some posters here, too.

It’s only weird if you view the common traits in an autistic male, but it’s more common for women in the spectrum because we have an easier time understanding these gestures.

I would say the ease in understanding comes down to innate ability and experience, in men and women. If men were so poor at understanding emotions and communication, I imagine women would traditionally chase us, romantically. And while women have often been excluded from the credit they deserve in shaping philosophy and psychology, many important contributions are from men. We can understand people just fine.

Either way, not every criticism is an attack. It may help to see the relation between personal abuse in your life--which you've described elsewhere--and your reaction to innocent posts. Your screen name is also an indicator of such misinterpretation. I don't think people here mean you any harm.

 

[Neri]

In my opinion, the claims made that fragile had issue with, were conflating "highly sensitive people" with vulnerable or covert narcissistic people. Not the same thing. And the article sounded pretty narcissistic.Irony.

They aren't the same thing and conflating them does a huge disservice to everyone. It's thoroughly misleading and I have issue with those claims as well

If the article had claimed "covert" or "vulnerable" narcissistic people are trying to control people with their "sensitivity", then I would have to agree.
It's just plain, harmful BS. In my opinion.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

You do have a right to be angry, but in fairness you also generalized about men and women. This is offensive to some posters here, too.



I would say the ease in understanding comes down to innate ability and experience, in men and women. If men were so poor at understanding emotions and communication, I imagine women would traditionally chase us, romantically. And while women have often been excluded from the credit they deserve in shaping philosophy and psychology, many important contributions are from men. We can understand people just fine.

Either way, not every criticism is an attack. It may help to see the relation between personal abuse in your life--which you've described elsewhere--and your reaction to innocent posts. Your screen name is also an indicator of such misinterpretation. I don't think people here mean you any harm.

My intention about differentiating men and women in the same spectrum is not to be offensive but to explain some notable characteristics of how people think differently. Just because I state it’s a common thinking process to a group of people doesn’t necessarily apply to all people in that category.

Of course, I’m aware that not all men and women in the spectrum think like this. I’m only trying to explain to bard that it’s not the same in terms of every autistic individual.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

My intention about differentiating men and women in the same spectrum is not to be offensive but to explain some notable characteristics of how people think differently. Just because I state it’s a common thinking process to a group of people doesn’t necessarily apply to all people in that category.

Of course, I’m aware that not all men and women in the spectrum think like this. I’m only trying to explain to bard that it’s not the same in terms of every autistic individual.

I respect your intent to explain and seek validity for yourself. I just think the generalization is unhelpful toward that goal. It also invalidates other people. If I said most black people were ignorant, but this doesn't apply to all of them, would that be a worse statement?

I'm also confused about generalizing as a way of explaining things aren't the same for everyone. That sounds contradictory.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I respect your intent to explain and seek validity for yourself. I just think the generalization is unhelpful toward that goal. It also invalidates other people. If I said most black people were ignorant, but this doesn't apply to all of them, would that be a worse statement?

I'm also confused about generalizing as a way of explaining things aren't the same for everyone. That sounds contradictory.

It’s not unhelpful or any worse if I use the contradiction as an example to illustrate what other people believe and see how they feel for themselves. Like they told me, autistic HSP’s are weird (which I find to be inappropriate), so I combat that with another generalization (which is also inappropriate) so they can get a clue of what they say might cause a negative reaction to other people. Just because I make a generalization about something doesn’t mean I believe it.

What I’m saying about other people in response is SUPPOSED to be a contradiction. That’s the point! And I’m fully aware of what I might say may be offensive to some people, but the reason I do this is because I want them to acknowledge about their words. For example “you make generalization X and I feel hurt, I make generalization Y and you feel hurt, see how that makes you feel bad? That’s how we feel when you make one”.

Think of it as a “taste of your own medicine” if you will. That’s my intention.