"We're going to teach you how to hug."

[Ste11aeres]

Thank you Ste11aeres I felt kind of bad about that post afterwards, do you think I should delete it?

Since there were so many posts written in response to it, I think it's best to just leave the post there. Otherwise, we would be leaving the contents of your post to the imagination of future readers, and they might think it was worse than it actually was.
Once again, I don't think anyone was seriously upset, and if anyone was a little bit upset, I don't think they are now after reading everything you wrote afterwards. And the things she was describing were creepy. Even if it isn't sexual, and it isn't a preparation for something actually sexual, forced physical touch is creepy. I felt creeped out too.

 

[Effy]

I don't think anyone was seriously offended, since what you wrote was obviously motivated by concern for her. The type of thing you mentioned is real, and does happen in some families, even if it's not the case in Effy's family. So it wasn't a malicious nor a crazy thing for you to say, not at all.

I was personally abused myself as well, I just also usually avoid discussions surrounding it because it's a trigger, and I have PTSD.

Thank you Ste11aeres I felt kind of bad about that post afterwards, do you think I should delete it? The way she described things totally creeped me out but maybe they're just treating her like a 5 year old? Which is still wrong and will end poorly. I suppose you all have been through this little hell too, the, (we know best), thing, (and we are going to make you normal for your own good or kill you trying). I wonder how many parents would try this stupid jackboot stuff if they knew just how prophetic that statement was. I don't know how many dark days I had because of their blind pride ruined education, destroyed dreams, lost years, all because they would not accept my natural limitations and work within them, instead of trying to force me into a mould I was not suited for. The irony is ... they have no idea what I'm capable of...I suppose they will die thinking I'm a fool before the truth comes out. I hope Effy's family doesn't walk down this path of tears.

There's no reason to feel bad!

As for wondering whether parents would really try this, I do wonder if they try it. My stepmother made me hug him, and the way he was was definitely abusive. (He's no longer in my life, and my mother and I are estranged because of her husband and constant siding with him.)

I've met other families who insist on holding/hugging/etc. some children who demonstrate autistic traits, but those children weren't diagnosed with it (and to my knowledge still aren't).

On some mommy blogs where the parents have autistic children, a few have forced affection... They feel that that is the only way to show love, and they're hurt when their kids pull away.

I think the problem truly lies in the communication... People are raised to believe it's the only way to truly show love, and it's not.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Ste11aeres, forced physical touch is creepy. I felt creeped out too.[/QUOTE]

Hi ste11aeres I guess it was that FORECED thing that kind of hit one of my triggers maybe. I always felt poorly about this idea that it was okay for family to hammer away at you like you're a little wooden peg, just because they think they know whats best for you. In my case I really don't see that much good came from it, just a whole lot of damage and emotional scars. I sometimes wonder how much better things would have been for everyone, if we had been able to come together and work on understanding this stuff and finding a good path in life, instead of reducing it to a contest of wills.

I'm sorry Effy if I upset you on the first post, your take on things is likely right. However I hope you don't end up taking years of this garbage like me, it eats at your soul after awhile. Some respect for your natural differences should be shown after all its not like you chose how you were born.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Been there. My grandmother can be quite suffocating. And abusive. On one occasion she told me she hoped I had kids so I could hated one day, and another occasion she told me I was going to grow old and die alone because everybody hated me. And there have been plenty of statements along the lines of how I'd never have a husband because of how TERRIBLE I was. Well, here I am! Wed and bred. Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood and she's pushing my buttons, I throw it back to her. Of course, she denies ever saying anything like that. Story of my life.

My family is getting better about respecting my boundaries, so I have much less issues with forced hugging these days. Took about ten years to teach my grandmother to stop trying to crack somebody's ribs or rubbing on somebody too hard. I can remember that pain in my kidneys so well... What creeps me out the most about her is that she is incapable of talking to me unless I'm getting changed or going to the bathroom. I don't know what obsession that woman has with me being naked, but it isn't healthy for our relationship.

My in-laws, however, are pretty inconsiderate. My husband's aunt can't keep her hands to herself and even gets rude about it. "I know you don't like hugs, but I'm going to get one, so HA!" ...*****.

And the last job I held I got fired from because I wouldn't let the boss's 30-year-old son pull my hair or slap me when I finally told him to stop pulling my hair. And that's not the first time I worked a job where coworkers couldn't keep their hands to themselves, both men and women.

I won't say I'm used to creepy or forced contact by this point, but I am getting meaner and meaner about putting an end to it. And because I keep having run-ins with the police involving these little domestic violence and sexual harassment incidents, I'm getting a pretty good idea how to work the system in my favor and it's only a matter of time before I get it down to an artform and start having people sent to jail or something on a regular basis.

 

[SameStars]

I had three persons trying to acclimate me to friendly touching during my last internship. I think they meant well, and just couldn't understand why it was unwelcome and stressful. Still, it seemed to be funny to them to see me squirm away, because often I will unconsciously twist away when someone's too close for comfort.

 

[Effy]

I had three persons trying to acclimate me to friendly touching during my last internship. I think they meant well, and just couldn't understand why it was unwelcome and stressful. Still, it seemed to be funny to them to see me squirm away, because often I will unconsciously twist away when someone's too close for comfort.

I do this twist thing that's paired with me wrinkling my nose, and people somehow find it funny/adorable. Pft.

 

[Ste11aeres]

On some mommy blogs where the parents have autistic children, a few have forced affection... They feel that that is the only way to show love, and they're hurt when their kids pull away.

I was reading a daddy blog where the guy mentioned an argument he was having with his wife over whether they should force physical affection on their daughter. She was not autistic, but was somewhat independent and reserved. Raised by my daughter: My wife and I are having a fight and we need YOUR help
The father was in favor of letting the girl decide for herself whether she wanted to give/receive physical affection, the mom thought she should be forced. One of the people commenting said that forcing physical affection on a kid made that kid more vulnerable to sexual abuse (even if the parents were not planning on sexually abusing their child, it could make the child more vulnerable to abuse from others) because it would teach the child that she didn't get to decide who touched her body. That comment has stuck in my memory.
Interestingly, that girl was more willing to voluntarily be physically affectionate with her father (who didn't force her) than with her mother (who did).
Here's a different blog, that says something interesting. Why I Will Never Tell My Daughter to Give You a Hug

 

[to the left]

Why do you still visit her? If this has been going on for a long time why don't you keep your distance? Why don't you and everyone that posted similar problems just stop contacting/being on the same neighborhood as the offending family members?

 

[Maelstrom]

I had three persons trying to acclimate me to friendly touching during my last internship. I think they meant well, and just couldn't understand why it was unwelcome and stressful. Still, it seemed to be funny to them to see me squirm away, because often I will unconsciously twist away when someone's too close for comfort.

Hi SameStars I'm a H/F auspie and am now a bit of a bullets and boots westerner, even tho I like to be nice, I've had enough of people messing with me, so if I feel they're being sadistic I call them out. But I also try to be careful not to mistake playful friendship teasing for this, as it can look similar. I have noticed in the past some people get a perverse sense of power from being able to knock my autie mind off center easily, or enjoy playing tricks on my aspie people blindness. Anyone who shows a pattern of this desire for, (power sadism play), should be avoided or pushed away if possible, for ones own welfare.

 

[SameStars]

Hi SameStars I'm a H/F auspie and am now a bit of a bullets and boots westerner, even tho I like to be nice, I've had enough of people messing with me, so if I feel they're being sadistic I call them out. But I also try to be careful not to mistake playful friendship teasing for this, as it can look similar. I have noticed in the past some people get a perverse sense of power from being able to knock my autie mind off center easily, or enjoy playing tricks on my aspie people blindness. Anyone who shows a pattern of this desire for, (power sadism play), should be avoided or pushed away if possible, for ones own welfare.

I genuinely believe there wasn't any malicious intent here, but thank you, it's sound advice in such situations.
One of the co-workers asked me one day point-blank if I was autistic (after I sort of lectured about the subject in general), and he was suddenly very apologetic about his behaviour.

 

[Maelstrom]

I genuinely believe there wasn't any malicious intent here, but thank you, it's sound advice in such situations.
One of the co-workers asked me one day point-blank if I was autistic (after I sort of lectured about the subject in general), and he was suddenly very apologetic about his behaviour.

Oh I got that from your post that it was likely playful, and if they're guys they may be working up to asking you out maybe? But sometimes it goes the other way and becomes a under the table way of tormenting or thinning the weak links out of the herd, I was mostly speaking rhetorically. best wishes Mael

 

[Jacob Morrison]

As odd as it sounds, I've been complimented on my hugging skills. I usually don't have trouble with physical things, but more verbal things.

 

[Ylva]

Why do you still visit her? If this has been going on for a long time why don't you keep your distance? Why don't you and everyone that posted similar problems just stop contacting/being on the same neighborhood as the offending family members?

Maybe she is one of the few people she has in her life.

 

[Progster]

I've never had anyone forcing hugs on me, but I remember that when I was a kid my parents became upset because I wasn't hugging them very often and I wasn't very affectionate. They wanted me to hug them just once a day, before going to bed, but I didn't always do it, I prefered just to say good night.

No child should be forced to give affection. I don't understand how they can think that forced affection could ever replace or have the same value as affection willingly given - for it to have any meaning at all, the child has to want to give it in a spontaneous gesture. Not all children show affection through physical contact, there are other ways of showing affection.

 

[Harrison]

As a kid I never had to hug anyone, so it never entered my head that it was something I needed to understand. First time someone hugged me I froze, I had no idea what to do and they just burst out laughing. Admittedly, it was funny and once I'd calmed down I realised it was something I needed to learn about.

Years on, I am happy hugging most people if it is a quick and light hug. Heavy duty hugging is still a restricted zone