Fallenwolf
Member
Hi,
I'm not sure where to start but I'ma go ahead and explain my current relationship/lover.
Met him online, we've known each other for about 2 years now, but only started seriously dating in Jan. We have met each other in person for about a month before going back to long distance/online.
Ever since we started talking online, we always clashed heads from time to time. Always getting into small agruements or failing to see where the other person was coming from. Finally at one point he admitted he has a light form of Asperger's and has been told he had Asperger's syndrome since he was a kid. So after he told me that (being NT myself), it all made sense now as to why he was really the only person that I just couldn't have a "normal" conversation with, without us constantly butting heads at some point or it just becoming so awkard.
Time went on and we continued to talk, and became good friends. We found a lot of things in common that we were both passionate about and started to open up more and more. It has gotten to the point we developed heavy feelings for each other and feel that we really truely do love each other deeply. Every now and then we still run into awkard talks were it feels like he's always projecting his own feelings/thoughts onto me, like I'm the one 'having' the thoughts and feelings but not him. He gets very defensive about simple stuff, when I never made a big deal about it in the first place. I try to point this out,here's a real example-
Him: "Yeah sometimes I have jump scares in games."
Me: "You're a whimp. lol " (I said, this teasingly,as we both joke with each other a lot.)
Him: "Well I mean I"m not the only one that gets jump scared. It's a pretty common thing and most popular tough gamers still get scared. It's pretty common, you wouldn't know unless you're a gamer.
Me: "I am a gamer, been playing games for years now, remember? I played games with you at your apartment."
Him: "Well like I said it's pretty common, doesn't mean I'm a sissy girl or something."
Me :"Hey you don't need to get defensive about it, I understand lol I was just joking. I get jump scares too sometimes."
Him "I wasn't getting defensive about it, I was only trying to talk."
When we have discussions like this....it always feels like he's trying to hide the fact he was getting seriously defensive about it. Or if I sense he's mad about something, I'll point out that he seems mad and he'll say "No, I'm chill. YOU'RE the one who needs to calm down." This has happened several times, to the point it's pretty predictable. Almost feels a bit Sociopathic in a way, but I know he's not.
The other thing I have trouble understanding is, he always goes back and forth with certain things. One day he will say something, and the next day he'll either act like he never said it, forget he even said it, or when I copy and paste exactly what he said, he'll say he didn't mean it like that. Real example:
Me:" Well like you told me, it could have something to do with Asperger's maybe?"
Him: " What are you talking about? I don't have Asperger's anymore. It doesn't effect me. You need to stop bringing up Asperger's like it's a factor at all. It doesn't effect me."
Me: " But you said the other day that you did, and that it's very common for you to get into arguments cause of that.
Him: " You're the only person that I argue with, so that means something. "
Me : " You just said you got into several arguments with your bests friends the other day......"
We've had so many conversations like the one example above. He has promised me so many things and a lot of it, he falls threw on them. Every time I bring up the promise he made/said he would do, he would only get angry at me. It's to the point I really just stop taking his promises/words as truth so I can avoid constant disappointment or arguments. I feel a lot of what he says is just empty words and he will never act upon what he said he will do.
He always claims I'm very "high maintenance" when I'm not. I'm always been pretty chill and middle maintenance my whole life, I even asked my parents and they agreed that I have always been a chill, laid back person (they should know, they raised me.lol) So I feel like anything small I ask of him, he just acts like it's just "SO MUCH" for him to do....It's just becoming very frustrating....to deal with all of this over and over again, even tho we tried to have several talks to get to the root of the problems.
He says he's very logical, but even when I do bring in logic, he still doesn't seem to get it. He only wants to see it his way and that's it. He acts like he refuses to be wrong....It's so frustrating and it tires me out pretty quickly now.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and he says he will try his best to work and meet me in the middle but it always feels he doesn't really try or just says "It will take a long time for me to get used to it, or adjust." It just feels like it's more empty words or he just keeps making up excuses as to why he doesn't really want to try and meet in the middle or try to understand me...
What should I do? I'm very open into learning ways/methods I can go about trying to improve my relationships. Is this pretty common for someone with Asperger's to do? (Sorry I don't want that to come off as mean or something. I'm NT so I'm not sure if this is pretty common or not, or has to do with just his personality, as I'm aware that all people, not only AS, have their own different quirks and personalities.) If you have any suggestions please let me know. I want our relationship to work as long as it can. I feel that I do really love him. Thanks for reading.
-Fallen
I'm not sure where to start but I'ma go ahead and explain my current relationship/lover.
Met him online, we've known each other for about 2 years now, but only started seriously dating in Jan. We have met each other in person for about a month before going back to long distance/online.
Ever since we started talking online, we always clashed heads from time to time. Always getting into small agruements or failing to see where the other person was coming from. Finally at one point he admitted he has a light form of Asperger's and has been told he had Asperger's syndrome since he was a kid. So after he told me that (being NT myself), it all made sense now as to why he was really the only person that I just couldn't have a "normal" conversation with, without us constantly butting heads at some point or it just becoming so awkard.
Time went on and we continued to talk, and became good friends. We found a lot of things in common that we were both passionate about and started to open up more and more. It has gotten to the point we developed heavy feelings for each other and feel that we really truely do love each other deeply. Every now and then we still run into awkard talks were it feels like he's always projecting his own feelings/thoughts onto me, like I'm the one 'having' the thoughts and feelings but not him. He gets very defensive about simple stuff, when I never made a big deal about it in the first place. I try to point this out,here's a real example-
Him: "Yeah sometimes I have jump scares in games."
Me: "You're a whimp. lol " (I said, this teasingly,as we both joke with each other a lot.)
Him: "Well I mean I"m not the only one that gets jump scared. It's a pretty common thing and most popular tough gamers still get scared. It's pretty common, you wouldn't know unless you're a gamer.
Me: "I am a gamer, been playing games for years now, remember? I played games with you at your apartment."
Him: "Well like I said it's pretty common, doesn't mean I'm a sissy girl or something."
Me :"Hey you don't need to get defensive about it, I understand lol I was just joking. I get jump scares too sometimes."
Him "I wasn't getting defensive about it, I was only trying to talk."
When we have discussions like this....it always feels like he's trying to hide the fact he was getting seriously defensive about it. Or if I sense he's mad about something, I'll point out that he seems mad and he'll say "No, I'm chill. YOU'RE the one who needs to calm down." This has happened several times, to the point it's pretty predictable. Almost feels a bit Sociopathic in a way, but I know he's not.
The other thing I have trouble understanding is, he always goes back and forth with certain things. One day he will say something, and the next day he'll either act like he never said it, forget he even said it, or when I copy and paste exactly what he said, he'll say he didn't mean it like that. Real example:
Me:" Well like you told me, it could have something to do with Asperger's maybe?"
Him: " What are you talking about? I don't have Asperger's anymore. It doesn't effect me. You need to stop bringing up Asperger's like it's a factor at all. It doesn't effect me."
Me: " But you said the other day that you did, and that it's very common for you to get into arguments cause of that.
Him: " You're the only person that I argue with, so that means something. "
Me : " You just said you got into several arguments with your bests friends the other day......"
We've had so many conversations like the one example above. He has promised me so many things and a lot of it, he falls threw on them. Every time I bring up the promise he made/said he would do, he would only get angry at me. It's to the point I really just stop taking his promises/words as truth so I can avoid constant disappointment or arguments. I feel a lot of what he says is just empty words and he will never act upon what he said he will do.
He always claims I'm very "high maintenance" when I'm not. I'm always been pretty chill and middle maintenance my whole life, I even asked my parents and they agreed that I have always been a chill, laid back person (they should know, they raised me.lol) So I feel like anything small I ask of him, he just acts like it's just "SO MUCH" for him to do....It's just becoming very frustrating....to deal with all of this over and over again, even tho we tried to have several talks to get to the root of the problems.
He says he's very logical, but even when I do bring in logic, he still doesn't seem to get it. He only wants to see it his way and that's it. He acts like he refuses to be wrong....It's so frustrating and it tires me out pretty quickly now.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and he says he will try his best to work and meet me in the middle but it always feels he doesn't really try or just says "It will take a long time for me to get used to it, or adjust." It just feels like it's more empty words or he just keeps making up excuses as to why he doesn't really want to try and meet in the middle or try to understand me...
What should I do? I'm very open into learning ways/methods I can go about trying to improve my relationships. Is this pretty common for someone with Asperger's to do? (Sorry I don't want that to come off as mean or something. I'm NT so I'm not sure if this is pretty common or not, or has to do with just his personality, as I'm aware that all people, not only AS, have their own different quirks and personalities.) If you have any suggestions please let me know. I want our relationship to work as long as it can. I feel that I do really love him. Thanks for reading.
-Fallen