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Very confused on how to go about him..NT female/ AS Male

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start but I'ma go ahead and explain my current relationship/lover.

Met him online, we've known each other for about 2 years now, but only started seriously dating in Jan. We have met each other in person for about a month before going back to long distance/online.

Ever since we started talking online, we always clashed heads from time to time. Always getting into small agruements or failing to see where the other person was coming from. Finally at one point he admitted he has a light form of Asperger's and has been told he had Asperger's syndrome since he was a kid. So after he told me that (being NT myself), it all made sense now as to why he was really the only person that I just couldn't have a "normal" conversation with, without us constantly butting heads at some point or it just becoming so awkard.

Time went on and we continued to talk, and became good friends. We found a lot of things in common that we were both passionate about and started to open up more and more. It has gotten to the point we developed heavy feelings for each other and feel that we really truely do love each other deeply. Every now and then we still run into awkard talks were it feels like he's always projecting his own feelings/thoughts onto me, like I'm the one 'having' the thoughts and feelings but not him. He gets very defensive about simple stuff, when I never made a big deal about it in the first place. I try to point this out,here's a real example-

Him: "Yeah sometimes I have jump scares in games."
Me: "You're a whimp. lol " (I said, this teasingly,as we both joke with each other a lot.)
Him: "Well I mean I"m not the only one that gets jump scared. It's a pretty common thing and most popular tough gamers still get scared. It's pretty common, you wouldn't know unless you're a gamer.
Me: "I am a gamer, been playing games for years now, remember? I played games with you at your apartment."
Him: "Well like I said it's pretty common, doesn't mean I'm a sissy girl or something."
Me :"Hey you don't need to get defensive about it, I understand lol I was just joking. I get jump scares too sometimes."
Him "I wasn't getting defensive about it, I was only trying to talk."

When we have discussions like this....it always feels like he's trying to hide the fact he was getting seriously defensive about it. Or if I sense he's mad about something, I'll point out that he seems mad and he'll say "No, I'm chill. YOU'RE the one who needs to calm down." This has happened several times, to the point it's pretty predictable. Almost feels a bit Sociopathic in a way, but I know he's not.

The other thing I have trouble understanding is, he always goes back and forth with certain things. One day he will say something, and the next day he'll either act like he never said it, forget he even said it, or when I copy and paste exactly what he said, he'll say he didn't mean it like that. Real example:

Me:" Well like you told me, it could have something to do with Asperger's maybe?"
Him: " What are you talking about? I don't have Asperger's anymore. It doesn't effect me. You need to stop bringing up Asperger's like it's a factor at all. It doesn't effect me."
Me: " But you said the other day that you did, and that it's very common for you to get into arguments cause of that.
Him: " You're the only person that I argue with, so that means something. "
Me : " You just said you got into several arguments with your bests friends the other day......"


We've had so many conversations like the one example above. He has promised me so many things and a lot of it, he falls threw on them. Every time I bring up the promise he made/said he would do, he would only get angry at me. It's to the point I really just stop taking his promises/words as truth so I can avoid constant disappointment or arguments. I feel a lot of what he says is just empty words and he will never act upon what he said he will do.

He always claims I'm very "high maintenance" when I'm not. I'm always been pretty chill and middle maintenance my whole life, I even asked my parents and they agreed that I have always been a chill, laid back person (they should know, they raised me.lol) So I feel like anything small I ask of him, he just acts like it's just "SO MUCH" for him to do....It's just becoming very frustrating....to deal with all of this over and over again, even tho we tried to have several talks to get to the root of the problems.

He says he's very logical, but even when I do bring in logic, he still doesn't seem to get it. He only wants to see it his way and that's it. He acts like he refuses to be wrong....It's so frustrating and it tires me out pretty quickly now.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much and he says he will try his best to work and meet me in the middle but it always feels he doesn't really try or just says "It will take a long time for me to get used to it, or adjust." It just feels like it's more empty words or he just keeps making up excuses as to why he doesn't really want to try and meet in the middle or try to understand me...

What should I do? I'm very open into learning ways/methods I can go about trying to improve my relationships. Is this pretty common for someone with Asperger's to do? (Sorry I don't want that to come off as mean or something. I'm NT so I'm not sure if this is pretty common or not, or has to do with just his personality, as I'm aware that all people, not only AS, have their own different quirks and personalities.) If you have any suggestions please let me know. I want our relationship to work as long as it can. I feel that I do really love him. Thanks for reading.

-Fallen
 
Please note that I speak to this with 14 years experience. Know that I have the utmost respect for your feelings and the situation. I don’t share this lightly. It will be easier to move on back to the internet and find someone else. This is my opinion but given time some things will be very good but you will frustrate to bitterness. You will make excuses for the incompatibility and that is not a balanced relationship. I hope this isn’t too brash and comes across concise and fair. Thank you for sharing here. This was the perfect place to come. You will find differences in opinion but in the end you will be able to make a well informed decision. What a great forum we have here at AC.
 
What should I do? I'm very open into learning ways/methods I can go about trying to improve my relationships. Is this pretty common for someone with Asperger's to do? (Sorry I don't want that to come off as mean or something.

Stick around and see if you can pick up a few things, there are other NTs further along the road than you.

It was great you posted examples.
My take is it would be easier if you changed the way you communicated with him.
It may be easier for you to change.
As you seem to playing a part in creating a circular nothing.

How does my means of communication encourage his defensiveness?

Ome question to consider.
If you dont learn and make the change first - then just follow George.

Others NTs WAKE UP and step in.

(A lot of them are sleepy and a bit slow)

(Joke)
 
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As a person with ASD... I get some of what he says and "high maintenance" to me maybe means something very different... To me it means "complicated." Its hard for me to process lots of information really fast without something derailing... And depending on what is going on, and the mood I am in I can get upset just trying to have a conversation, and if it comes with having to process even more stuff it gets more intense. So "high maintenance" might also mean to him just a lot of stuff going on... Not that you are high maintenance in terms of vain or excessive in your tastes.

ASD people use massive amounts of energy just in sorting, responding, and trying to match emotions with body language and tons more, depending on environment and noises or distractions... Most NT people cant even imagine what all that process involves inside us... And its not your fault, it is what it is.

Lots of things to consider when dealing with a person with ASD... Some of us mess up a lot, and we don't mean too, or even want too, then we try to fix it and most the time we should have just let it be...

We (I) also tend to mull things that have happened over and over in my head, and that takes my attention away from what it needs to be focused on...

Can the relationship work? Its all up to how much effort each of you want to put in... If you are feeling like it worth it then just get real with him and try to understand him at his core... Which it seems like you are trying to do here, but let him KNOW (if you haven't already).

For him to come out and tell you... To me, he is reaching out trying to get you to understand also...

So... dont give up just yet, unless you just see a dead end road ahead... I promise you it will be challenging. I am a very quiet person, but I can still make people want to pull their hair out and 95% of the time I am never trying to cause it on purpose... It's just me being me, its all I know, and how he is is all he knows.

ASD people can "mask" a lot of stuff but that also take LOTS of energy... After a while we get tired of it and the real us shows up and well people don't like that very much...

Good luck and I hope you find what your looking for... : )
 
Aspies tend to take things literally.
Most also need their space.

So if you jokingly say "You're a wimp" after he confessed that he does get jump scared sometimes. It will likely be taken literally. This is especially true if it's over text where exaggerated sarcastic tones or expressions cannot be conveyed. And even then it can be hard to tell since NT's tend to show a bit of their true views on someone when they joke or lie. Freudian slips are lovely.

On top of that i think most men would get a little defensive if you insulted their masculinity. Just as a woman would if you ... jokingly, insulted her aesthetics.

"I feel that I do really love him."
Feelings wane and wax like the cycles of the moon. Why feel, and not know?

When it comes to the high maintenance thing i seriously don't think your parents are going to be an accurate judge of that. Instead of dismissing it... like he is dismissing the problems you think he has... see a similarity here?... BOTH not meeting half way... anyways you have to seriously consider that you might be high maintenance and talk to him about it if you want him to seriously consider (and work on) what you think his problem is.
If you can't put the ego aside and do that small thing for love, then it isn't love and y'all aren't meant to be. Move on.


<3 <3
 
Stick around and see if you can pick up a few things, there are other NTs further along the road than you.

It was great you posted examples.
My take is it would be easier if you changed the way you communicated with him.
It may be easier for you to change.
As you seem to playing a part in creating a circular nothing.

How does my means of communication encourage his defensiveness?

Ome question to consider.
If you dont learn and make the change first - then just follow George.

Others NTs WAKE UP and step in.

(A lot of them are sleepy and a bit slow)

(Joke)



I figured and agree with you Fridemagnetman. I kinda already knew I would have to be the one to do most of the changing first and then he will soon follow. Slowly but surely. Everything with him takes a lot of reminders and having the same conversations over and over. So I'ma have to get used to it. I've already started changing, and just agreeing with a lot of what he says/states, just to avoid any heated talks. If it's not an important topic, then there's no point in wasting energy trying to get him to understand certain things.


How does my means of communication encourage his defensiveness?

This is a very good question and I will keep more aware of how I state my sentences. I already figured out he does not like when I use the word "just" in sentences. Ex: "I was just waiting for you"

Thanks very much for the insight.
 
As a person with ASD... I get some of what he says and "high maintenance" to me maybe means something very different... To me it means "complicated." Its hard for me to process lots of information really fast without something derailing... And depending on what is going on, and the mood I am in I can get upset just trying to have a conversation, and if it comes with having to process even more stuff it gets more intense. So "high maintenance" might also mean to him just a lot of stuff going on... Not that you are high maintenance in terms of vain or excessive in your tastes.

ASD people use massive amounts of energy just in sorting, responding, and trying to match emotions with body language and tons more, depending on environment and noises or distractions... Most NT people cant even imagine what all that process involves inside us... And its not your fault, it is what it is.

Lots of things to consider when dealing with a person with ASD... Some of us mess up a lot, and we don't mean too, or even want too, then we try to fix it and most the time we should have just let it be...

We (I) also tend to mull things that have happened over and over in my head, and that takes my attention away from what it needs to be focused on...

Can the relationship work? Its all up to how much effort each of you want to put in... If you are feeling like it worth it then just get real with him and try to understand him at his core... Which it seems like you are trying to do here, but let him KNOW (if you haven't already).

For him to come out and tell you... To me, he is reaching out trying to get you to understand also...

So... dont give up just yet, unless you just see a dead end road ahead... I promise you it will be challenging. I am a very quiet person, but I can still make people want to pull their hair out and 95% of the time I am never trying to cause it on purpose... It's just me being me, its all I know, and how he is is all he knows.

ASD people can "mask" a lot of stuff but that also take LOTS of energy... After a while we get tired of it and the real us shows up and well people don't like that very much...

Good luck and I hope you find what your looking for... : )



It's funny cause to me, he can come off as very "high maintenance" in a way himself, cause he too is also very complicated to understand or figure out what's going on in his brain. The main thing about him is that he doesn't want to seem to accept that a lot of what he does or the way he thinks does have to do with Asperger's as he gets very offended if I try to bring it up or claims "it doesn't effect him like that anymore." I feel that if he relaxed, opened up more and accepted what he has, it would make things a whole lot better. It's harder to get someone to change things if refused to accept what issues may be blocking the path to solving the problem.

With that, I'm in no way trying to make fun of what he has affecting him. I have my own physical problems with my body and quirks, so I have my own issues/baggage that I know people have to try and work around. I see Asperger's no different. It will take time and adjusting and meeting in the middle, just like he has to adjust to my physical health problems and quirks. Everyone has their baggage/issues/quirks AS or not. And we all have "masks" that we try and hide behind. Everyone has to do some kind of adjusting from what I learned in my past relationship experiences.

Thanks for the insight Chance.
 
Aspies tend to take things literally.
Most also need their space.

So if you jokingly say "You're a wimp" after he confessed that he does get jump scared sometimes. It will likely be taken literally. This is especially true if it's over text where exaggerated sarcastic tones or expressions cannot be conveyed. And even then it can be hard to tell since NT's tend to show a bit of their true views on someone when they joke or lie. Freudian slips are lovely.

On top of that i think most men would get a little defensive if you insulted their masculinity. Just as a woman would if you ... jokingly, insulted her aesthetics.

"I feel that I do really love him."
Feelings wane and wax like the cycles of the moon. Why feel, and not know?

When it comes to the high maintenance thing i seriously don't think your parents are going to be an accurate judge of that. Instead of dismissing it... like he is dismissing the problems you think he has... see a similarity here?... BOTH not meeting half way... anyways you have to seriously consider that you might be high maintenance and talk to him about it if you want him to seriously consider (and work on) what you think his problem is.
If you can't put the ego aside and do that small thing for love, then it isn't love and y'all aren't meant to be. Move on.


<3 <3


That's the thing with him, sometimes he gets when I'm joking, other times he takes it seriously, even if I put a "lol" at the end of it, signaling it's clearly a joke cause I'm laughing. I agree tho, there are a lot of times where he reads too much into what I'm saying to him and think there's a hidden emotion behind my words, where there's not. He has admitted it's very hard for him to tell at times since he can not see body language or hear the tone of the voice. So every now and then we'll use voice chat to help convey the emotion of the conversation.

Well it's not just my parents who feel that I'm middle maintenance, my friends, and other people I've talked to feel about the same. I've never had a complaint until him , that I'm "high maintenance" of any sort, which is why it threw me off. I understand in his mind that I'm "high maintenance" cause he now has to put more effort into a lover/partner, then he would being single, but that's what you have to do if you want a relationship with someone....kinda have to put in an extra effort to try and work with them and meet in the middle. To me, he can appear "high maintenance" himself in some ways, as it takes a lot to try and figure out what's going on with him.

As for me, I see how Asperger's affects him and affects the way he portrays his emotions, so I try my best to meet in the middle once I can catch what's going in/what the issue is. When it comes to other stuff, I always try to do things 50/50 or an equivalent exchange. I try my best to adjust to him (be more patient with him, try to avoid certain trigger words, try to address things with mostly logic instead of conveying emotions, appeal/focus to his interests/likes a lot more, giving him a lot more space to chill and breathe with his friends and by himself, etc."

"Feelings wane and wax like the cycles of the moon. Why feel, and not know? "

To answer this question, love is an emotion/feeling, therefore it's something that's felt by someone. I know that I feel love for him.
 
That's the thing with him, sometimes he gets when I'm joking, other times he takes it seriously, even if I put a "lol" at the end of it, signaling it's clearly a joke cause I'm laughing. I agree tho, there are a lot of times where he reads too much into what I'm saying to him and think there's a hidden emotion behind my words, where there's not. He has admitted it's very hard for him to tell at times since he can not see body language or hear the tone of the voice. So every now and then we'll use voice chat to help convey the emotion of the conversation.

Well it's not just my parents who feel that I'm middle maintenance, my friends, and other people I've talked to feel about the same. I've never had a complaint until him , that I'm "high maintenance" of any sort, which is why it threw me off. I understand in his mind that I'm "high maintenance" cause he now has to put more effort into a lover/partner, then he would being single, but that's what you have to do if you want a relationship with someone....kinda have to put in an extra effort to try and work with them and meet in the middle. To me, he can appear "high maintenance" himself in some ways, as it takes a lot to try and figure out what's going on with him.

As for me, I see how Asperger's affects him and affects the way he portrays his emotions, so I try my best to meet in the middle once I can catch what's going in/what the issue is. When it comes to other stuff, I always try to do things 50/50 or an equivalent exchange. I try my best to adjust to him (be more patient with him, try to avoid certain trigger words, try to address things with mostly logic instead of conveying emotions, appeal/focus to his interests/likes a lot more, giving him a lot more space to chill and breathe with his friends and by himself, etc."

"Feelings wane and wax like the cycles of the moon. Why feel, and not know? "

To answer this question, love is an emotion/feeling, therefore it's something that's felt by someone. I know that I feel love for him.

I have to admit to you... I am in a situation with my NT wife, where she has many issues with me that have cropped up over the years... She thought I would/could change and I have A LOT, but not near to what she has expected...

Something you might need to know down the road and all ASD people are different and unique, so thats not ever carved in stone BUT I see lots of things I saw in my wife with what you are so honestly admitting... However she never did that. I was more like a "project" it seems. Now I'm more like a failed project...

I either fake LIFE and be someone I am not, or deal with the wrath of how I "deceived" her... Which was NEVER the case...

I fell asleep on her on our first date and most every date for the two years we dated. I never once made a move on her, I was just overjoyed that someone liked me (or possibly loved me)... Sadly that didn't last and now its mostly a nightmare that I try to avoid.

I'm never ever trying to talk you out of this relationship... Just KNOW its going to be tough at times and KNOW what you are getting into and it seems you do know...

ALSO there are wonderful people on here (this site) who are HAPPILY MARRIED and have been for a long time... Its just all in how honest both sides want to be.

I was involved in some stuff as a kid that made me literally fear any sort of confrontation, and I can't deal real well with being screamed at, sadly that is how she vents her anger so its sort of a mess and has been for a really long time now. I hope you find people's responses helpful, and I don't mean to cause you to worry... Just be real with yourself, and what you are going to expect, and then look at it for what it is...

If it looks like its worth it, then pour your heart and soul into it... : )
 
I have to admit to you... I am in a situation with my NT wife, where she has many issues with me that have cropped up over the years... She thought I would/could change and I have A LOT, but not near to what she has expected...

Something you might need to know down the road and all ASD people are different and unique, so thats not ever carved in stone BUT I see lots of things I saw in my wife with what you are so honestly admitting... However she never did that. I was more like a "project" it seems. Now I'm more like a failed project...

I either fake LIFE and be someone I am not, or deal with the wrath of how I "deceived" her... Which was NEVER the case...

I fell asleep on her on our first date and most every date for the two years we dated. I never once made a move on her, I was just overjoyed that someone liked me (or possibly loved me)... Sadly that didn't last and now its mostly a nightmare that I try to avoid.

I'm never ever trying to talk you out of this relationship... Just KNOW its going to be tough at times and KNOW what you are getting into and it seems you do know...

ALSO there are wonderful people on here (this site) who are HAPPILY MARRIED and have been for a long time... Its just all in how honest both sides want to be.

I was involved in some stuff as a kid that made me literally fear any sort of confrontation, and I can't deal real well with being screamed at, sadly that is how she vents her anger so its sort of a mess and has been for a really long time now. I hope you find people's responses helpful, and I don't mean to cause you to worry... Just be real with yourself, and what you are going to expect, and then look at it for what it is...

If it looks like its worth it, then pour your heart and soul into it... : )

Thanks for sharing you experience with me Chance. Yes, from what I've read, it seems I might be in it for a tough road when it comes to being partner up with someone with AS, but like you said, everyone's different and there are many that are happily married. I will admit that right now even tho we've been threw so many fights and misunderstanding with him, I feel it has brought us even closer and strengthen our bond.

I've dated 3 other people before him, and I have to say despite me being NT and him being AS I feel very deeply happy on other level. It's hard trying to explain it but I feel like he fills in something my past partners haven't. Even tho my past partners were NT, they had their own issues and problems I had to try to adjust to as well or them having issues further down the line that seemed to be getting worst and worst and they would never address nor fix it. So I chalk that down to just people and personalities. Everyone's got something up with them.

But I digress, I'm not in this to change him at all. I want me and him to be ourselves naturally but meet in the middle when it comes to important things like communication and making sure both of our needs are met. That's about it. I learn it's best to not put such much limits on people, as I know myself it doesn't feel good when you're put on a leash for very long. It's best that both partners are free to be their true self and express what they want without back lash. As long as he can take care of his stuff, and I can handle my own stuff, then I think it will be a good relationship. I feel regardless of any relationship, both partners should be able to handle being independent and not too dependent of each other for needs. Which he has shown me time and time again. I've learned a lot from him so far, and hope to teach him a thing or too as well. :)
 
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Thanks for sharing you experience with me Chance. Yes, from what I've read, it seems I might be in it for a tough road when it comes to being partner up with someone with AS, but like you said, everyone's different and there are many that are happily married. I will admit that right now even tho we've been threw so many fights and misunderstanding with him, I feel it has brought us even closer and strengthen our bond.

I've dated 3 other people before him, and I have to say despite me being NT and him being AS I feel very deeply happy on other level. It's hard trying to explain it but I feel like he fills in something my past partners haven't. Even tho my past partners were NT, they had their own issues and problems I had to try to adjust to as well or them having issues further down the line that seemed to be getting worst and worst and they would never address nor fix it. So I chalk that down to just people and personalities. Everyone's got something up with them.

But I digress, I'm not in this to change him at all. I want me and him to be ourselves naturally but meet in the middle when it comes to important things like communication and marking sure both of our needs are met. That's about it. I learn it's best to not put such much limits on people, as I know myself it doesn't feel good when you're put on a leash for very long. It's best that both partners are free to be their true self and express what they want without back lash. As long as he can take care of his stuff, and I can handle my own stuff, then I think it will be a good relationship. I feel regardless of any relationship, both partners should be able to handle being independent and not too dependent of each other for needs. Which he has shown me time and time again. I've learned a lot from him so far, and hope to teach him a thing or too as well. :)

Never to gloat at any level... But one quality many ASD people have is LOYALTY... However we will stick with stuff that is even suffocating us... My deal is also confrontation as I admitted...

But I am loyal to my word, meaning if it means my life so be it... You may be picking up on that in him, even though he may want to run and might at some point... LOYALTY often reigns supreme and we will go back for more and more in hopes of better outcomes. Sometimes things get better, sometimes not so much. : )
 
@Fallenwolf one thing to consider: the people that are saying you're not high-maintenance are not the people you're in a relationship with. They can't really judge what you are like in a relationship. Hell, I always thought I was really easy to be with, and most of my friends and family consider me really laid-back as well. But they're not the ones I share my bills and everyday chores with. They don't have to partake in the daily grind that comes with maintaining a long-distance relationship.

Which is not me saying you are high maintenance, just food for thought.
 
@Fallenwolf one thing to consider: the people that are saying you're not high-maintenance are not the people you're in a relationship with. They can't really judge what you are like in a relationship. Hell, I always thought I was really easy to be with, and most of my friends and family consider me really laid-back as well. But they're not the ones I share my bills and everyday chores with. They don't have to partake in the daily grind that comes with maintaining a long-distance relationship.

Which is not me saying you are high maintenance, just food for thought.

This is true, perhaps you're right. Well since he's said that, I've been watching the stuff I do, and giving him plenty of space, etc. I pretty much go off and do my own thing, and I'm very independent. So If that doesn't help me with being less maintenance then I don't know what. lol
 
The very worst thing you could do is bin him off because he's Aspie, as you're probably aware, us Aspies tend not to "get" the "rules" surrounding social stuff, particularly relationships.
 

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