Hello,
I’m joining this forum after several weeks of reading about Asperger’s and wanting to learn more. Coming here is a means of gaining understanding through conversations. Articles and books are helpful, but conversations are more fluid. I find a sense of solidarity in forums regarding mental health.
This will be a long post and I hope someone can take the time to read and respond. As an adult, I noticed the personalities and behaviour of me and my brother is somewhere on the spectrum. We’ve never been formally diagnosed, and we've never really fit in as people. It can be nice to stand out, but I've wanted to explore why this is. A therapist I saw a few years ago asked if I’d take much stock in knowing whether I was high on the spectrum. Initially I felt like it was a futile undertaking and this defused my interest. In recent weeks I've rekindled many questions through further reading and research.
The local NHS waiting list for an assessment is 12 months and a private assessment is £1050. Whilst this is currently unworkable, I do consider it potentially worthwhile further down the road. Part of me asks what I'd get out of a diagnosis that I haven’t already read or compared to my own life. I know that it’s a lifelong condition, I’ve had CBT several times for my anxiety and depression, and I was not keen on my experiences of medication for mood disorders. A diagnosis could provide a sense of closure - or at the very least a person with an understanding who might provide me with further knowledge of myself.
At the same time, I see no real accomplishment in spending money to obtain a diagnosis. I tend to focus on working out life’s problems on my own. For better or worse – I’m forever stuck in my head. Imagination is my best friend and worst enemy. The more I've read about the condition, the more boxes it has ticked with regards to how I live and behave day to day. I'm left feeling a little daunted by this recent clarity and somewhat ashamed I didn't investigate it sooner.
There was a similar unsettled feeling a few months ago when I read books regarding addictions and how these can increase the chances of depression, anxiety and a poorer quality of life. I pondered if my addictive personality and highly limited, but obsessive past times were a catalyst in my long-term mental illnesses. Admittedly, this didn’t feel like a root cause – more like an accomplice.
Whilst addiction is destructive, my personality is generally unbalanced. My emotional peaks and troughs seem far more intense than other people I’ve gotten to know. I’ve been so used to forcibly hiding this side of me from most people that it didn't occur to me to explore these traits with the 4 therapists I'd seen. I started to recognise my behaviour, and in the end, all my therapy ended abruptly, with a sense of failure. I knew I couldn’t reap the full benefits if I wasn’t being honest.
Feeling unsettled has been prolonged. I'm nearing my 20th anniversary with depression; a depressing thought in of itself. I've also lived with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for over 10 years. In therapy I explored my fears, experiences with anxiety and depression as well as certain mindsets. Another person’s perspective is invaluable - but no amount of advice is worthwhile if no action proceeds it.
I feel I need to share the less palatable sides of my personality here and now, to find a sense of understanding – because I feel like these parts of me abnormal. I know these characteristics make me who I am, but my behaviour has been criticised by those close to me throughout my adulthood and has led me to feel like a defective and highly self-centred person.
I spend most of my time in my own company - growing up, most memories of my parents was them doing their own thing. They never played with me or my brother and we were left to our own devices. My brother is higher up the spectrum than myself. Most people who meet him instantly recognise he's different. We didn’t play much as children. If I went in his room, he’d scream at me and slam the door. So, I spent most of my childhood and early adult life in my own company. School was 15 miles away and I went there for 11 years. I saw friends outside of school maybe 2 or 3 times a year at most throughout school and college.
Whilst a lot of my behaviours I forcibly hide from other people, my brother can’t seem to do this. He has his verbal ticks and his hand, arm and bodily movements are there for all to see. For me, I've tried very hard to repress who I really am to maintain a social mask and I have had most people fooled for years. The problem is, that forcing yourself to be someone you aren’t is extremely uncomfortable to maintain long term. The second I am alone it all comes flooding to the surface and the sense of comfort and relief is so welcoming.
In my own company I always felt like my behaviour was odd. From a young age I could never sit still. I don’t like sitting in chairs, and at home I sit on the floor and sway from left to right for hours on end (10+ hours a day on weekends). This isn’t a subtle sway either, it’s very energetic. I also used to sway in bed – posing on all fours and swaying from left to right for 30mins + before bed. This behaviour I no longer do but swaying I can’t seem to (or want to) stop. I used to sway in the rear passenger seat of the car on the way to and from school as well. I experience daily episodes of manic hyperactivity. This includes - flailing my arms, rapidly tapping or movements with my fingers, making weird noises, silly accents or shouting verbal ticks at random.
Other traits of my personality includes difficulty with numerous noises – which cause almost instantaneous irritation and unease. When people talk, I rarely listen properly and mostly avoid eye contact. I spend most of the time being talked to, trying to normalise my behaviour to not “give the game away” and so what people say goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I try too hard to normalise things like eye contact, and I wind up staring people down to the point that they start breaking eye contact from me.
I’m joining this forum after several weeks of reading about Asperger’s and wanting to learn more. Coming here is a means of gaining understanding through conversations. Articles and books are helpful, but conversations are more fluid. I find a sense of solidarity in forums regarding mental health.
This will be a long post and I hope someone can take the time to read and respond. As an adult, I noticed the personalities and behaviour of me and my brother is somewhere on the spectrum. We’ve never been formally diagnosed, and we've never really fit in as people. It can be nice to stand out, but I've wanted to explore why this is. A therapist I saw a few years ago asked if I’d take much stock in knowing whether I was high on the spectrum. Initially I felt like it was a futile undertaking and this defused my interest. In recent weeks I've rekindled many questions through further reading and research.
The local NHS waiting list for an assessment is 12 months and a private assessment is £1050. Whilst this is currently unworkable, I do consider it potentially worthwhile further down the road. Part of me asks what I'd get out of a diagnosis that I haven’t already read or compared to my own life. I know that it’s a lifelong condition, I’ve had CBT several times for my anxiety and depression, and I was not keen on my experiences of medication for mood disorders. A diagnosis could provide a sense of closure - or at the very least a person with an understanding who might provide me with further knowledge of myself.
At the same time, I see no real accomplishment in spending money to obtain a diagnosis. I tend to focus on working out life’s problems on my own. For better or worse – I’m forever stuck in my head. Imagination is my best friend and worst enemy. The more I've read about the condition, the more boxes it has ticked with regards to how I live and behave day to day. I'm left feeling a little daunted by this recent clarity and somewhat ashamed I didn't investigate it sooner.
There was a similar unsettled feeling a few months ago when I read books regarding addictions and how these can increase the chances of depression, anxiety and a poorer quality of life. I pondered if my addictive personality and highly limited, but obsessive past times were a catalyst in my long-term mental illnesses. Admittedly, this didn’t feel like a root cause – more like an accomplice.
Whilst addiction is destructive, my personality is generally unbalanced. My emotional peaks and troughs seem far more intense than other people I’ve gotten to know. I’ve been so used to forcibly hiding this side of me from most people that it didn't occur to me to explore these traits with the 4 therapists I'd seen. I started to recognise my behaviour, and in the end, all my therapy ended abruptly, with a sense of failure. I knew I couldn’t reap the full benefits if I wasn’t being honest.
Feeling unsettled has been prolonged. I'm nearing my 20th anniversary with depression; a depressing thought in of itself. I've also lived with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for over 10 years. In therapy I explored my fears, experiences with anxiety and depression as well as certain mindsets. Another person’s perspective is invaluable - but no amount of advice is worthwhile if no action proceeds it.
I feel I need to share the less palatable sides of my personality here and now, to find a sense of understanding – because I feel like these parts of me abnormal. I know these characteristics make me who I am, but my behaviour has been criticised by those close to me throughout my adulthood and has led me to feel like a defective and highly self-centred person.
I spend most of my time in my own company - growing up, most memories of my parents was them doing their own thing. They never played with me or my brother and we were left to our own devices. My brother is higher up the spectrum than myself. Most people who meet him instantly recognise he's different. We didn’t play much as children. If I went in his room, he’d scream at me and slam the door. So, I spent most of my childhood and early adult life in my own company. School was 15 miles away and I went there for 11 years. I saw friends outside of school maybe 2 or 3 times a year at most throughout school and college.
Whilst a lot of my behaviours I forcibly hide from other people, my brother can’t seem to do this. He has his verbal ticks and his hand, arm and bodily movements are there for all to see. For me, I've tried very hard to repress who I really am to maintain a social mask and I have had most people fooled for years. The problem is, that forcing yourself to be someone you aren’t is extremely uncomfortable to maintain long term. The second I am alone it all comes flooding to the surface and the sense of comfort and relief is so welcoming.
In my own company I always felt like my behaviour was odd. From a young age I could never sit still. I don’t like sitting in chairs, and at home I sit on the floor and sway from left to right for hours on end (10+ hours a day on weekends). This isn’t a subtle sway either, it’s very energetic. I also used to sway in bed – posing on all fours and swaying from left to right for 30mins + before bed. This behaviour I no longer do but swaying I can’t seem to (or want to) stop. I used to sway in the rear passenger seat of the car on the way to and from school as well. I experience daily episodes of manic hyperactivity. This includes - flailing my arms, rapidly tapping or movements with my fingers, making weird noises, silly accents or shouting verbal ticks at random.
Other traits of my personality includes difficulty with numerous noises – which cause almost instantaneous irritation and unease. When people talk, I rarely listen properly and mostly avoid eye contact. I spend most of the time being talked to, trying to normalise my behaviour to not “give the game away” and so what people say goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I try too hard to normalise things like eye contact, and I wind up staring people down to the point that they start breaking eye contact from me.
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