Unsure - Need Closure

[Raggamuffin]

Hello,

I’m joining this forum after several weeks of reading about Asperger’s and wanting to learn more. Coming here is a means of gaining understanding through conversations. Articles and books are helpful, but conversations are more fluid. I find a sense of solidarity in forums regarding mental health.

This will be a long post and I hope someone can take the time to read and respond. As an adult, I noticed the personalities and behaviour of me and my brother is somewhere on the spectrum. We’ve never been formally diagnosed, and we've never really fit in as people. It can be nice to stand out, but I've wanted to explore why this is. A therapist I saw a few years ago asked if I’d take much stock in knowing whether I was high on the spectrum. Initially I felt like it was a futile undertaking and this defused my interest. In recent weeks I've rekindled many questions through further reading and research.

The local NHS waiting list for an assessment is 12 months and a private assessment is £1050. Whilst this is currently unworkable, I do consider it potentially worthwhile further down the road. Part of me asks what I'd get out of a diagnosis that I haven’t already read or compared to my own life. I know that it’s a lifelong condition, I’ve had CBT several times for my anxiety and depression, and I was not keen on my experiences of medication for mood disorders. A diagnosis could provide a sense of closure - or at the very least a person with an understanding who might provide me with further knowledge of myself.

At the same time, I see no real accomplishment in spending money to obtain a diagnosis. I tend to focus on working out life’s problems on my own. For better or worse – I’m forever stuck in my head. Imagination is my best friend and worst enemy. The more I've read about the condition, the more boxes it has ticked with regards to how I live and behave day to day. I'm left feeling a little daunted by this recent clarity and somewhat ashamed I didn't investigate it sooner.

There was a similar unsettled feeling a few months ago when I read books regarding addictions and how these can increase the chances of depression, anxiety and a poorer quality of life. I pondered if my addictive personality and highly limited, but obsessive past times were a catalyst in my long-term mental illnesses. Admittedly, this didn’t feel like a root cause – more like an accomplice.

Whilst addiction is destructive, my personality is generally unbalanced. My emotional peaks and troughs seem far more intense than other people I’ve gotten to know. I’ve been so used to forcibly hiding this side of me from most people that it didn't occur to me to explore these traits with the 4 therapists I'd seen. I started to recognise my behaviour, and in the end, all my therapy ended abruptly, with a sense of failure. I knew I couldn’t reap the full benefits if I wasn’t being honest.

Feeling unsettled has been prolonged. I'm nearing my 20th anniversary with depression; a depressing thought in of itself. I've also lived with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for over 10 years. In therapy I explored my fears, experiences with anxiety and depression as well as certain mindsets. Another person’s perspective is invaluable - but no amount of advice is worthwhile if no action proceeds it.

I feel I need to share the less palatable sides of my personality here and now, to find a sense of understanding – because I feel like these parts of me abnormal. I know these characteristics make me who I am, but my behaviour has been criticised by those close to me throughout my adulthood and has led me to feel like a defective and highly self-centred person.

I spend most of my time in my own company - growing up, most memories of my parents was them doing their own thing. They never played with me or my brother and we were left to our own devices. My brother is higher up the spectrum than myself. Most people who meet him instantly recognise he's different. We didn’t play much as children. If I went in his room, he’d scream at me and slam the door. So, I spent most of my childhood and early adult life in my own company. School was 15 miles away and I went there for 11 years. I saw friends outside of school maybe 2 or 3 times a year at most throughout school and college.

Whilst a lot of my behaviours I forcibly hide from other people, my brother can’t seem to do this. He has his verbal ticks and his hand, arm and bodily movements are there for all to see. For me, I've tried very hard to repress who I really am to maintain a social mask and I have had most people fooled for years. The problem is, that forcing yourself to be someone you aren’t is extremely uncomfortable to maintain long term. The second I am alone it all comes flooding to the surface and the sense of comfort and relief is so welcoming.

In my own company I always felt like my behaviour was odd. From a young age I could never sit still. I don’t like sitting in chairs, and at home I sit on the floor and sway from left to right for hours on end (10+ hours a day on weekends). This isn’t a subtle sway either, it’s very energetic. I also used to sway in bed – posing on all fours and swaying from left to right for 30mins + before bed. This behaviour I no longer do but swaying I can’t seem to (or want to) stop. I used to sway in the rear passenger seat of the car on the way to and from school as well. I experience daily episodes of manic hyperactivity. This includes - flailing my arms, rapidly tapping or movements with my fingers, making weird noises, silly accents or shouting verbal ticks at random.

Other traits of my personality includes difficulty with numerous noises – which cause almost instantaneous irritation and unease. When people talk, I rarely listen properly and mostly avoid eye contact. I spend most of the time being talked to, trying to normalise my behaviour to not “give the game away” and so what people say goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I try too hard to normalise things like eye contact, and I wind up staring people down to the point that they start breaking eye contact from me.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I walk on the balls of my feet and have a very bouncy walk – which I’ve been told looks especially odd as I’m 6’4” tall and I think this height exacerbates the bounciness of my movements. I constantly fidget, especially at work where I’m trying to repress my less socially acceptable ticks. My legs bounce constantly, sometimes both at the same time. This occurs throughout the day almost constantly. I can’t sit still in a position longer than a few seconds without changing position. My hands are usually tapping the table or keeping busy with a pen or constantly picking or rubbing my skin. Facial expressions come about seemingly at random and some of them are apparently quite comical and take people by surprise.


In terms of non-physical characteristics, I find these are just as out of place compared to what’s considered normal. I have only a couple of interests/hobbies. I have tried no end of other past times, but the focus feels forced and I lose interest very quickly. On the flipside, my interests in art, video games, collecting music and looking at maps are bordering on obsession. I do try and include myself in activities my partner wishes me to be a part of, but I find these uncomfortable and boring to be a part of. I know a relationship is give and take, and my partner has often said I fixate on myself too much and when I do try to do things for her, they can be shortlived.


I’m impulsive – my way of looking at situations Is problematic. I focus on small details obsessively, and my ways of problem solving often instinctively bypass what would be considered a simple or sensible solution – and I’m off down the rabbit hole fixating on overly complex ideas. I find I’m constantly clumsy both physically and mentally. Whilst I can excel with my attention to detail and memory, I can just as easily make frequent little and seemingly stupid mistakes which cause frustration.


Frustration seems to occur at the drop of a hat. I’m easily irritated or unsettled. I try hard to maintain my cool, and funnily enough I seem to do a good job of it at work and in public. I’ve been referred to many times as a “laid back” person and people frequently find me comical and amusing. I think this has come from turning certain quirks into an avenue for humour. Like my lack of empathy – it’s not a nice trait to have, but when addressing it with an air of sarcastic, and sometimes scathing humour, it’s seen of as a joke rather than a real personality defect, I seem to have. It's the same with how I interpret most things literally. I realised that saying these out loud and exploring these literary ideas could make them humorous to those around me. I guess it amounts to having people laugh with me rather than at me.


Frustration and stress have been long term issues in my adult life. During the first 5 years with GAD it was health obsessed and I was experiencing almost 24/7 aches, pains and symptoms. From the onset I pestered GP's, Dr's and posted relentlessly on anxiety forums trying to make sense of it. Unfortunately, it took many years to finally grasp and integrate the belief that it was "just anxiety" and that my stressed mind was leading to a stressed body that was aching due to stress and fixation on false beliefs that I had just about anything that wasn't anxiety. These days I get a handful of symptoms a week and I've practiced enough mindfulness to let them come and go and not add a narrative of fear or additional stress into the mix. They come and go, and I let them do as they please.


I wish I could say other areas of my life were as calm - when anxiety lessens depression often rises. At its best it feels selfish and self-imposed to feel depressed. At its worst it presses hard against my chest and I can barely function.


Addiction has come and gone throughout my life - computer games have been a primary fixation for 25 years. I juggled an on and off relationship with weed for 13 years. 3 of which I didn't smoke (during 2 periods of abstinence). When I relapsed most recently (2 years ago) I managed to keep it to weekend use, for the most part. Originally, I used to get through an ounce a month. Back when I was smoking it recently the same amount lasted 10 months. I also drank heavily for 6 years.


I quit both on December 1st, 2019. The clarity of mind works in good and bad ways. My peaks feel a lot more intense, as do my troughs. In terms of behaviour I feel that my odd behaviour is becoming a lot more pronounced thanks in part to sobriety. Self-medicating with substances had me living in a fog and dulled my senses. Now I'm living in my brain for real, and the first time in over a decade, I'm a little overwhelmed at times.


I'm struggling with emotions - they feel a lot more intense. When I'm happy or sad, it feels overbearing and it's hard to control. At work I feel like I must keep a lid on who I really am, and it's tiring and makes me feel down. I listen to people talk and I feel endless frustration. People talk of problems or things they enjoy, and I'm frustrated by how irrelevant their thoughts and opinions feel to me – I can’t relate. Sometimes I wish I could do my job with headphones, so I didn't have to speak to them.


It's not to say I'm socially inept. I practiced a lot to be more open and sociable and found myself a little more at ease when socialising - but I'm a very particular person. Most people annoy me, and I have selective mutism towards most people. Being silent is comforting in of itself. Outside of a 1 to 1 conversation with someone I get on with well, I don’t tend to talk much. I could be having a good conversation and then someone comes and joins the conversation and I tend to go mute and leave not long after.


The few people I get on well with are characters - flamboyant, creative, or just a little odd. A continual problem I've encountered is those I have gotten closest to have left. 3 times in school my closest friends moved abroad. This has happened twice since as an adult. Nowadays, outside of work and online - I socialise a handful of times a year and find myself eager to get home and back to my routine not long after being outside. When I do go outside, it's specifically to get away from people. Nature and animals overwhelm my senses with positivity.


I find people exhausting to be around. In part because I feel like I can only be myself around a few people - and those people I act how I often do in my own company - verbal ticks, weird noises and acting in an energetic and utterly surreal fashion. My partner sees a lot more of this side, but with a relationship also comes empathy - and this feels like an enforced emotion, rather than a natural by-product of my personality. I've found "sorry" is a tick, when I catch myself acting like myself and throw people off, or when I overstep my boundaries and insult someone. The tick "sorry" isn't heartfelt. When I do have to apologise for genuinely upsetting someone, I feel anxious and upset inside at the mere realisation I have to say sorry and when I do apologise it feels forced and an outright lie. I just want the short apology speech to end as quickly as possible, because I feel that nagging awkwardness you feel when you're fibbing and trying to pretend.


Love is problematic as well. I studied English Literature in college and university, and being an avid music collector, I find love is a well-trodden subject. But it’s not one I can relate to. The word in of itself feels hollow and somewhat elusive. As with apologising and feeling empathy when others are distressed, experiencing love seems incompatible. Yes, I have things and people that can make me feel positive – whether It’s energised or laughing or having a good time that I replay in my mind again and again. But love? Obsession, maybe. But the whole idea of love feels cliché and frustrating to incorporate in my life.


I guess I wanted to find an underlying cause for addictions, mental health issues and my personality as a whole. I looked at my brother and see many similarities, but unlike him - I rarely do the frantic limb flailing or weird voices and rigid, impulsive bodily movements in public. Whereas my brother seems to filter things less. When I first read about autism, I assumed my brother had it, but I wasn't sure about myself. The more I've read about Asperger’s - the more things seem to click.


But I don't know where this leaves me? Undiagnosed but seemingly confident in my own self-diagnosis from what I've read and the online empathy tests I've done. There was a period when my anxiety was in a bad place, but I was actively trying to help others. Helping others was easier than helping myself. But forcing empathy felt alien and it was a rather disastrous undertaking - I became overwhelmed. Trying to mirror what others felt broke past being a mere reflection of their suffering and left me utterly distraught. This is the issue I have with my emotions – it’s never balances; it’s all or nothing.

​

 

[Raggamuffin]

One realisation I had was knowing I'm not where I want to be in life. I was denied studying art in college and university as it was considered "not career friendly" by my parents. My mum worked at the school I went to for 11 years and this sentiment was soon reflected by other teachers. So, I studied things I had no interest in. I find interest is on or off. I can try and force it - but it's short lived and I burn out quickly. I flunked college, twice. Dropped out of uni and have been stuck in office jobs ever since. My happiest time is my lunch break - when I can do my artwork or go for a walk in the nearby woods and be surrounded by nature. The more years that go by - the more I feel boxed in. I continue to draw, people are blown away by what I create. I sold a few prints, setup a website that gets no visits and have a Facebook page where I've blown hundreds on advertising. It feels like I'm bribing people to like my page.

The plan is to do art and craft fairs on weekends. I know I want to make a career from art - but the motivation is hard. I'm stuck in my routines, they're tried and tested and comforting. Change is unsettling, and I'm not sure how hard I'd push. When I talk to people about my art, they see the passion there, it makes them smile. Drawing is half the battle. Just as much time needs to be spent on selling my art and hustling at galleries, exhibitions, arts and craft fairs etc.

I can be extrovert - but it's exhausting and leaves me desiring my default behaviour of being introverted. I have shared experiences with many people over the years - but if I'm not driving a conversation, I'm not really listening. I feel selfish for this realisation, but when people talk, I'm not really invested in what they have to say. I decided forcing empathy did me more harm than good but feeling very little empathy at all makes me appear very cold. ​

It's a struggle to deal with people as no end of people say I'm a nice guy, or "cool" or fun to be around - but it feels tedious to maintain. People frequently ask me to meet up with them, but I don't want to. I feel like life must be lived on my terms, or else I feel extremely uncomfortable. As I stated above - I'm happy with a handful of social events a year. In a way I guess this is why it stands out when I do meet up with people. We have a good time, do something memorable and then they don't see me again for half a year or so.

Not sure where this is post is going now, so I’ll end it here I suppose.

Ed​

 

[Alexej]

Firstly Welcome to the Forum.

You are not the only one in here from the UK - I know there are several others, so hang around and jump into threads as they pique your interest.

Also have a look at some of the other threads that are not so active at the moment - there is a lot of good stuff in there too.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. You said a lot that seems to indicate Aspergers/ ASD1. I think that a diagnosis is a matter of choice, and getting it would be up to you, depending what it means to you. I self diagnosed after plenty of research and I don't know if I would get a diagnosis, depends on who one sees and their interpretation of the criteria it seems.

This is a good place to be for relevant discussion, information and understanding from others who are non neurotypical. Lots of tips and ideas here that would be useful probably, whether you get a formal diagnosis or not. I hope you enjoy it here.

 

[Pats]

Your therapist asked if you were interested in knowing if you were high up on the spectrum - meaning you're on the spectrum, but did you want to know where you fall on it?
Hello and welcome.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Misery]

Okay, so, I have a few things I want to say about this, as some of this mirrors the sorts of things I experience as well. I'll probably explain a couple of my own traits, just to show the parallels. Since you're not really alone on any of this stuff.

First of all: Dont feel like you're "defective" or anything like that. You are not. That's not what being on the spectrum is. Indeed, it's often seen by the public as a negative condition, but if you hang out here long enough, you are going to find that not everyone sees it that way. There are those, including myself, who would not accept a cure if it was offered to us. In my view, it'd change who I am, and I cant have that. But it also offers certain advantages and talents that are incredibly rare for those who are NT, or neurotypical. Of course, the "condition" manifests itself differently in each individual, so this varies heavily. But one way or another, you are not defective, and I suspect you have advantageous traits you may not actually be aware of, as such traits tend to come so naturally that we dont notice. Heck, I only notice after lots of reflection and analysis.

Not to mention that being "out of place" is not necessarily a bad thing. Heck, I look at what typical "society" is, and the ways people tend to act (like idiots) and the fact that they tend to do them simply because "that's how it's done" or because the hive mind says to, and frankly I feel like I dodged a bullet. Or a barrage of cannonballs. I'm so, SO glad I'm not part of that crap. Alot of idiocy avoided. Not to mention no bizarre need to belong to some group just to belong to some group. It all depends on your perspective and your own thoughts, for if these sorts of things are good or bad.

Besides... "normal" is super boring. I'd much rather go with "weird". Far more interesting. But also, dont feel like you ALWAYS need to "mask", or try to hide these aspects of yourself. Yeah, I know, there's a general opinion that this should be done. And in some situations (work) it may be necessary. But other than work... do you really NEED to do it? Particularly among friends. After all, if a friend cant like you for who you REALLY are... they are not a friend to begin with. But also, it's just so much less stressful. I dont bother with the masking thing. Too much effort. I know I'm freaking bizarre and rather unstable, and I tend to roll with it. Even my appearance is very off. I'm male, but I'll get mistaken for a girl every now and then. Clothes arent normal, because screw jeans, I'll wear sweatpants if I want to (which is always, when weather is too cold for shorts). And I've got a keychain that's like 3-feet long and usually wrapped around my arm. Normal? I cant even pretend to be, nobody would believe it. And you know what, that's fine. Why should I mask that just to appease random idiots at Walmart or something? I'd rather be myself, than pretend to be something I'm not. Dont be ashamed of who you are.

This also goes for the idea of addictions. There's no escaping this one. We often call them "special interests". Obsessions that go far, far beyond what most people think of when they hear that word. It is not a bad thing, really. And it seriously just goes with the territory. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone on the spectrum that doesnt have AT LEAST one or two of these. And usually, the idea of "breaking" them is unthinkable. Not because we "cant", but because we dont want to. These things often are a major part of the core of who we are. As a rule it's not a good idea to, nor is there much useful purpose in, trying to fight these. And again, it's very, very common for those on the spectrum.

I'm into video games and such myself. It goes far, far beyond "obsession". I even got into conventions and cosplay due to it, and even among the geek crowd that goes to those chaotic events, I still manage to be strange. Now, when it comes to the idea of other hobbies, as you mention, they tend to feel forced and burn out quick. Same here. Thing is though, what I've found is that other hobbies stick if they have some connection to the ones I already have. Thus the cosplay. Also recently, board games, after discovering that there's a bazillion of them that can be played solo. It's technically a different hobby and a whole new world to explore, yet functionally, it's very similar to video games in terms of the ways that they work and the challenges they present. That hobby, I got into about 4 months ago, and it has absolutely stuck and probably always will. Now, if I'd tried to do something like get interested in cars, that would last like a week and it wouldnt be very fun at all no matter how hard I tried to get interested. So yeah, dont try things that are different BECAUSE they are different. Try things that are quite similar and maybe directly connected somehow to what you are already into. Expand upon what you already have instead of trying to jump into a new area entirely.

Also your lack of interest in conversations that have nothing to do with your interests is also common. That one happens often for alot of us. Sure happens to me. I could talk about games or my dog or something like that all day, but try to engage me in other subjects and all I'll have for you is even more sarcasm than usual as I try to get out of the situation to go do something not stupid.

Ah, what else is there. People being tiring. Oh yes. You'll see ALOT of that particular viewpoint on this forum. Alot of us here find people to be just as tiring/annoying/irritating/bloody stupid as you seem to. I dont have any real advice for this one, other than just avoid them, if you find them annoying. Of course there are times when you have no choice, but still.

However, it might help to find entirely different communities to check out. Alot of people seem to have this idea that social hangouts can ONLY be places like bars or restaurants or sporting events. Normal society says so, thus it must be true, right? Ridiculous. Whatever you are into, there is somewhere you can go to meet people similar to yourself. This is the other reason I got into gaming/anime conventions: most of the people that go to those are quite weird and eccentric as I am. NOBODY tries to mask at those. They're freaking bizarre, they know it, and they'll act utterly bonkers the whole time. If you were to see one of these events for yourself, you'd nearly drown in the surreal weirdness. I could tell story after story about the things I"ve seen. It's so, so much better than going to a "typical" hangout spot and trying to fit into some group that I dont even like to begin with. And it's similar with any other hobby or interest really. There's always a place and a group/community for it, who might be quite similar to yourself... it's just a matter of finding said place. Not easy, but it is doable. And if you do find such a place, it'll be somewhere where you can actually be yourself without seeming out of place to others.

Also I understand that bit where you mention the idea of love. Romantic love, that is. I can understand things like loving my family or my dog or something like that. But ROMANCE? A relationship? Ye gods, no. Not happening, and I dont want it to. This is also why I dont get into music. I find that when I hear music, there are exactly 3 things a song will be about:

1. generic love
2. relationships
3. how great some guy's girlfriend is

And that's it. Cant remember the last time I heard a song that wasnt one of those 3. How freaking dull. A song about freaking carpentry would be more interesting than that. On rare occaisions I'll hear a song that is about alcohol, which is stupid on so many levels to me that I cant even articulate it. But yeah, usually love. Most people have an obsession over it. I cannot even comprehend that.


Anyway, I dont want to overload you here with this response. I'm not good at being concise and will tend to just rant endlessly if given the chance. But I want to show that you're not alone in any of this, and you'll find alot of people here that you can probably relate to, and the other way around.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Hello,

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I appreciate people taking the time to read a bit about my experiences.

Hi and welcome. You said a lot that seems to indicate Aspergers/ ASD1. I think that a diagnosis is a matter of choice, and getting it would be up to you, depending what it means to you. I self diagnosed after plenty of research and I don't know if I would get a diagnosis, depends on who one sees and their interpretation of the criteria it seems.

I think what I have read has given closure enough to be honest. My partner had thought I'd almost wanted the diagnosis of having Asperger's. I explained to her that it wasn't so much a need to be diagnosed, or to self-diagnose, but I had felt understood simply by reading more about the condition and realising how many symptoms and behaviours I exhibited. These are traits that I only showed to those closest to me, and even then I would refrain from revealing who I truly was.

Since I've been reading about Aspergers and realising that many of my secrets are in fact rather common behavioural characteristics, I've started talking openly about it to my partner and to a work colleague. It's felt a bit like a burden has been lifted - and I felt a huge sense of relief in doing this.

Your therapist asked if you were interested in knowing if you were high up on the spectrum - meaning you're on the spectrum, but did you want to know where you fall on it?

The therapist had told me that a lot of people are somewhere along the spectrum - I suppose I never understood that my long term anxiety and depression could have been aggravated by another disorder. I looked at my brother and thought that I had something different to him. However, I never read into the conditions at that time and I simply laid the matter to rest for several years and only started researching it this year.

Misery - thank you for taking the time to reply in such detail. I guess I assumed I was defective as the people who'd see more of the real me were those who I dated. A lot of the things I do and feel would seem a little "out there" and whilst I think people appreciated I was different; it is more complex when you are dating or living with someone who is very "particular."

I can see what you mean about not accepting a cure if there was one. This is one of the reasons why I'm dubious about spending so much for a diagnosis. Even if I had it on my medical record, it wouldn't make a difference to me really. I work full time, I'm not looking to be treated any differently and I wouldn't want to be taking medication to try and take the edge off who I am inside.

The only real way I feel a little held back at times is at work. On the whole I excel at what I do, and I have pride in my work - even though it isn't what I would like to be doing with my life. The problem I find is my attention to detail can either be immense or lackluster. I'm in a job where there's a lot of information and procedures required. It seems my forgetful or clumsy moments can make me seem a little reckless.
Thankfully, in my current job my boss is very understanding. In my last workplace it was the total opposite and I'd been in several 1 to 1 meetings per week being called up on any mistake I'd made which turned it all into a bit of a vicious circle of being stressed out about making a mistake, and then making one, and then being talked down to by management in meetings etc etc.

Even when I'm doing something I love, like my art or photography, I can make stupid mistakes quite regularly. At least with my art I can incorporate it into a different design. When I make a mistake at work and it has knock on effects I keep having to apologise. But checking and re-checking my work is a procedure I can barely keep up for an hour or 2 before I become frustrated by the way I'm molly coddling myself.

Honestly though, thank you again for taking the time to share with me your thoughts and experiences. It's really been invaluable. I'll continue to read more articles and book recommendations from this site as I am finding it interesting to see such a large community of people with similar traits and experiences.

It's strange, having repressed these parts of me personality for such a long time - I'm starting to feel a lot less burdened by who I am as a person. What's interesting is that I haven't bothered to look at what people can do to mediate or moderate this condition. I know I've gone through a lot with long term mental health issues, but simply gaining an understanding of the spectrum and what it entails is more than enough for me. I know I'm not for everyone, but that's a good thing. I'm very particular, and caught up in my own little world - but that's just who I am. Self-improvement is all well and good when it comes to my health, well-being and working towards where I want to be in life, but I have no intention to disrupt or try and change the fundamentals of who I am as a person.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Has anyone noticed a change when eating a healthier diet and regularly exercising? I notice it improves my. Mood, but the extra energy seems to make my tics and traits even more energetic and repetitive.

Ed

 

[Misery]

Has anyone noticed a change when eating a healthier diet and regularly exercising? I notice it improves my. Mood, but the extra energy seems to make my tics and traits even more energetic and repetitive.

Ed

Also try drinking alot of water. Like, ALOT. I keep repeating this particular advice on this forum, and for good reason. People dont realize the effects that dehydration can have, and as a rule, wont even notice that they ARE constantly dehydrated. Or they say stupid things like "but I drink alot of beer/soda". I just... no. Gotta be actual water. Cant substitute and expect it to work.

Keep up a regimen of constant water drinking for, oh... 2 or 3 weeks, and suddenly you'll notice some major improvements. Why 2/3 weeks? Because your body needs that much time to adjust to the increased intake.

Did this myself. And yeah, huge effects. Not just mood, but various other things improve as well. I went through a TERRIBLE anxiety attack a few months ago, and immediately after, my stepmother pushed real hard for me to try making this particular change. And it turned out she was absolutely right. I'm healthier and have far more control than I used to. Seriously, if you're not already doing it, give it a go. You'll be quite surprised at what it does for you.

it is more complex when you are dating or living with someone who is very "particular."

Hmm, this is one of those things where there's really not much you can do to avoid it. Not just with a significant other, but with close friends and family too. I have zero interest in romance, so I dont have an SO, but I do live with immediate family, and that means they have to put up with my constant default weirdness, and the even more bizarre behavior that comes from me being such an airheaded space cadet. I tell ya, people look at you funny if you try to make a sandwich out of toothpaste instead of cheese. But they generally put up with it.

Even when I'm doing something I love, like my art or photography, I can make stupid mistakes quite regularly. At least with my art I can incorporate it into a different design. When I make a mistake at work and it has knock on effects I keep having to apologise. But checking and re-checking my work is a procedure I can barely keep up for an hour or 2 before I become frustrated by the way I'm molly coddling myself.

This one doesnt necessarily have anything to do with being on the spectrum.

There is, in my mind, two methods of doing things when you're trying your best: "professional", and "chaotic".

"Professional" is the sort that will perform every tiny detail to exact protocol. Everything is smooth and straight. However, they tend to work slowly and there's not as much creativity.

"Chaotic" is, well, I'll use an analogy I've used elsewhere on the forum. If a "professional" style of fixing a car is doing every little thing by the book and making sure every bolt is fully screwed in, "chaotic" is duct-taping the thing together and then maybe adding shark fins on top and painting a mural on the side because why not. And it wont take all that long.

I am of the chaotic style myself. I've done some video game development, and, well, it worked out entirely because the head developer knew me pretty well, and knew what to expect. And to him, the important thing wasnt HOW something was done, just that it got done. So I was put in a position of having alot of control over the project, because apparently that seemed like a good idea, baffled the heck outta me. I could even veto the decisions of others on the team, and add whatever content I felt like. The game in question is sort of like a bullet-hell Binding of Isaac. My part on the team was making all the stuff that tried to murder the player. They brought me on because of my extreme knowledge of bullet-hell games in general, so I could make the elements that nobody else on the team could do.

So, that meant it was all a rather complicated position, making rather complicated content that also had to be in balance with things everyone else was adding, provided I let them add it.

Someone working in a more professional way would take time to draft up some conceptual descriptions/drawings before adding them in, and would probably use alot of math and compare things to other game elements before even thinking of putting something in.

With my chaotic style, I'd think of something and then 5 minutes later jam the thing in there. And the actual code behind it would be this hideous spaghetti mess. There was one bit of content, a boss fight, where I put it in, got it all set, tried it out, it did it's thing, with one of the loopier and more unique attack patterns in the game. Later, I would go back to make potential alterations to it.... only to find that I had no bloody clue how the thing worked. I made the horrid thing, nobody else touched it, still have no idea how it functions. "It made sense at the time" is a common phrase for me. And in general, altering code was like trying to dash through some twisted labyrinth. And then there's bug-hunting, I freaking hate that. Dont have the patience for it.

But you know what, all that stuff worked out in the end, AND I was able to keep it all balanced. All of that and I only worked like 12-16 hours a week, basically on a "whenever I bloody well feel like it" basis (and the devs knew I was going to be like that before offering the contract). That fast and wild style isnt an unviable thing.... yeah, alot of professionals out there will try to tell you that it is. But it isnt. Plenty of people out there, spectrum or NT, do things in this way. Often in arts/crafts or hobby stuff (it's obviously harder to get away with it at work). Doesnt mean that they wont produce awesome stuff. It just means that the approach may be strange and there might be weird little spiky bits glued on for no reason. But sometimes those spiky bits just make it even more awesome.

So yeah, dont let any of that bother you or make you feel bad. Yeah, it's frustrating at work, I can understand that, but that's mostly because of most companies being overly rigid, even in situations where being really rigid is illogical and actually just makes things worse. But overall, if you're of that more chaotic style, it's going to give you some unique advantages if you let it, when it comes to your hobbies.


Ugh, there, I'm done rambling. Sorry, I always do that. It's what happens when you type at like 5000 words per second.