Unsolicited comments (of any sort)

[Judge]

My point is I want them to leave me alone, no matter what their reason. If they have a malicious agenda, they need to leave me alone. If they're just stupid, they need to leave me alone. So I'm just trying not to seem like good prey anymore - and also trying to figure out ways to deflect the abuse when it comes along.

I wonder if spouting out gross facts about the human body would help... or if it would lead them to assume I'm in school and talking about what I've learned, prompting them to talk even more.

Truth is, you're in a no-win scenario given the customer service nature of your job. Whatever you do to attempt to stop such behavior can't involve actually engaging them. Otherwise it might be used against you. No matter what prompted them to approach you. Unless of course they're asking for assistance of some kind in accordance with your job.

Probably best simply to give them a neutral nod...meaning you acknowledge their existence and little else. I do that a lot with typical unsolicited contacts in stores. It seems to keep people at bay without any words. I suspect for NTs it throws them off. Enough to where they just leave me the hell alone.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Truth is, you're in a no-win scenario given the customer service nature of your job. Whatever you do to attempt to stop such behavior can't involve actually engaging them. Otherwise it might be used against you. No matter what prompted them to approach you. Unless of course they're asking for assistance of some kind in accordance with your job.

Probably best simply to give them a neutral nod...meaning you acknowledge their existence and little else. I do that a lot with typical unsolicited contacts in stores. It seems to keep people at bay without any words. I suspect for NTs it throws them off. Enough to where they just leave me the hell alone.

Yeah, you're right. People will take anything I say or do and twist it into "permission" to do more mocking and commenting, especially those jokester men. When I sense people are looking for a reaction, it's easy to know not to give them one (not even a nod, from me). I just wish I could give some sort of consequence to the ones who do it and then walk away laughing.

If that happened again and then later I was bagging and the same customer came through my line, I'd walk away. I didn't look at the creature that did it to me yesterday so I don't know who it was, but I wish I had.

Just out of curiosity, what comments do you get?

 

[Judge]

Just out of curiosity, what comments do you get?

For just a nod? No comments at all. Maybe just a puzzled look on their face. Neurotypicals seem to look for a verbal acknowledgement. If they don't hear one it seems to throw them off. That's happened to me before under other circumstances as well. They don't seem to know how to react to selective mutism.

But I also make a point not to stop for them either. In that respect though keep in mind that I'm a customer and not an employee. I just keep walking. In your situation with the roles reversed, if the really want to pursue you physically there's not much you can do.

 

[umbrellabeach]

For just a nod? No comments at all. Maybe just a puzzled look on their face. Neurotypicals seem to look for a verbal acknowledgement. If they don't hear one it seems to throw them off. That's happened to me before under other circumstances as well. They don't seem to know how to react to selective mutism.

But I also make a point not to stop for them either. In that respect though keep in mind that I'm a customer and not an employee. I just keep walking. In your situation with the roles reversed, if the really want to pursue you physically there's not much you can do.

No, I mean the unsolicited comments that you respond to with a nod.

It's true that most people really don't know how to react to silence. That's why I take advantage of it by giving them silence as a reaction.

If a customer wants to pursue me physically... I'm not sure what you meant by that, but it sounds like stalking. If I was being stalked by a customer, I'd report them to management.

 

[Judge]

No, I mean the unsolicited comments that you respond to with a nod.

If a customer wants to pursue me physically... I'm not sure what you meant by that, but it sounds like stalking. If I was being stalked by a customer, I'd report them to management.

I'm just talking about greeters....when you come through the front door. Places like Best Buy and such. But they also have those Direct TV people who will pester me inside the store until I tell them I'm a renter and my apt. faces north- not south.

In your case if a customer physically approaches you it's not like you can just ignore them I'd think. You're at a disadvantage as an employee compared to me as a customer.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I'm just talking about greeters....when you come through the front door. Places like Best Buy and such. But they alos have those Direct TV people who will pester me inside the store until I tell them I'm a renter and my apt. faces north- not south.

In your case if a customer physically approaches you it's not like you can just ignore them I'd think. You're at a disadvantage as an employee compared to me as a customer.

Oh. For a moment I thought you meant random strangers walk up to you and comment on your body, personality or choices (food, etc.) for no reason. That's what I get, so I'm always interested in what other people get.

Well, at least being a bagger I'm expected to walk around a lot and move from place to place and task to task. I like taking advantage of that. I never want to be a cashier and be chained to the abuse.

 

[Judge]

Oh. For a moment I thought you meant random strangers walk up to you and comment on your body, personality or choices (food, etc.) for no reason. That's what I get.

Well, at least being a bagger I'm expected to walk around a lot and move from place to place and task to task. I like taking advantage of that.

No, I'm only talking about what they do as part of their job. Which as a customer I don't appreciate.

Well, you might try walking away from someone like that, after giving them the nod. If they don't pursue you then no harm, no foul. Of course if they throw in a legitimate question about groceries...whatever....you might have to oblige them. You just don't want to anything that would really make you look bad as an employee.

 

[umbrellabeach]

No, I'm only talking about what they do as part of their job. Which as a customer I don't appreciate.

Well, you might try walking away from someone like that, after giving them the nod. If they don't pursue you then no harm, no foul. Of course if they throw in a legitimate question about groceries...whatever....you might have to oblige them. You just don't want to anything that would really make you look bad as an employee.

Well, yeah. If they need help or want to know something about the store then I gladly help them. It's only when they get personal that there's trouble.

 

[Judge]

Well, yeah. If they need help or want to know something about the store then I gladly help them. It's only when they get personal that there's trouble.

Have you ever discussed this peculiar social dynamic with other employees? Just wondering.

I'd really like to know if it's you that has been singled out, or your specific job function...or if others suffer the same indignities.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Have you ever discussed this peculiar social dynamic with other employees? Just wondering.

I'd really like to know if it's you that has been singled out, or your specific job function...or if others suffer the same indignities.

A little. I asked one of my coworkers if he's been told he's too quiet, and he said yes, but didn't say how often it happens. (And he's actually a very outgoing guy.) And I asked another one if he's ever been told to smile, and he said yes as well, but didn't say how often it happens. I should have asked that in both situations. If I get the chance, I'll ask around my female coworkers too. Only problem is, being so busy (and watched by managers) we hardly ever get to really talk. But yes, I too wonder if I'm being singled out. It feels like it, especially when people stop and stare at me for a few minutes before commenting (like the "milkmaid" idiot and the "keep smiling" idiot both did). But I should ask around. Whether it's just me or everyone, it's still a problem.

I've thought of a potential defense for some comments - start talking about something really sad, like all the shootings and kids getting killed by wild animals. Of course, if I know someone is trying to get me to say anything, I'll still keep silent to mess with them.

Oh yes, and I posted about the watch-checking comment on Twitter and got a decent amount of likes/retweets. So maybe it's a common thing, albeit rude.

 

[Judge]

A little. I asked one of my coworkers if he's been told he's too quiet, and he said yes, but didn't say how often it happens. (And he's actually a very outgoing guy.) And I asked another one if he's ever been told to smile, and he said yes as well, but didn't say how often it happens. I should have asked that in both situations. If I get the chance, I'll ask around my female coworkers too. Only problem is, being so busy (and watched by managers) we hardly ever get to really talk. But yes, I too wonder if I'm being singled out. It feels like it, especially when people stop and stare at me for a few minutes before commenting (like the "milkmaid" idiot and the "keep smiling" idiot both did). But I should ask around. Whether it's just me or everyone, it's still a problem.

I've thought of a potential defense for some comments - start talking about something really sad, like all the shootings and kids getting killed by wild animals. Of course, if I know someone is trying to get me to say anything, I'll still keep silent to mess with them.

One Aspie thing that's followed me most of my life was I just don't smile much. (Thus my nickname- Judge. Always looking too serious for my own good I suppose.) Which has inevitably prompted NTs to tell me to "lighten up" or ask me what's wrong. Could that be a "trigger" of sorts for NTs to pester you? Do the other employees all walk around with stupid grins on their faces?

Sorry to be so intense about it all. I just can't figure it out. Forcing me to use some complex deduction that clearly others don't share. I just sense there's more to this than merely appearance considerations.

 

[umbrellabeach]

One Aspie thing that's followed me most of my life was I just don't smile much. Which has inevitably prompted NTs to tell me to "lighten up" or ask me what's wrong. Could that be a "trigger" of sorts for NTs to pester you? Do the other employees all walk around with stupid grins on their faces?

Sorry to be so intense about it all. I just can't figure it out. Forcing me to use some complex deduction that clearly others don't share.

You're being intense? I'm over here struggling to keep my posts concise and not overuse the caps lock. And I'm really enjoying our in-depth conversation. Those people who meet me once at church, learn about my relatives, education, job and, if they're lucky, find out I like Disney (but don't know the... extent of it hehe), then think they know me so well - you've never even met me in person and you probably know way more about me than they do.

Anyway, I think the other employees have neutral expressions like me. But again, I'm young, female and attractive, so people think I'm basically going to hell for not smiling, especially when my face doesn't suit their temporary fancy that they'll forget about as soon as they leave the store.

One other thing - not sure if I've posted this here, but this bullying world doesn't really deserve my smile. Sometimes I'll have a really good day and keep it to myself, to keep it unspoiled by commentary.

 

[Judge]

You're being intense? I'm over here struggling to keep my posts concise and not overuse the caps lock. And I'm really enjoying our in-depth conversation. Those people who meet me once at church, learn about my relatives, education, job and, if they're lucky, find out I like Disney (but don't know the... extent of it hehe), then think they know me so well - you've never even met me in person and you probably know way more about me than they do.

Anyway, I think the other employees have neutral expressions like me. But again, I'm young, female and attractive, so people think I'm basically going to hell for not smiling, especially when my face doesn't suit their temporary fancy that they'll forget about as soon as they leave the store.

One other thing - not sure if I've posted this here, but this bullying world doesn't really deserve my smile. Sometimes I'll have a really good day and keep it to myself, to keep it unspoiled by commentary.

Ok, that's good to hear. I do have a tendency to take just about anything up a notch or two. Or three. Didn't want to scare you away though. I just wish we could all collectively figure this crap out. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and it's maddening to think that 98% of society may not even see it like that.

I guess I was blessed in working so long in a job that was deadly serious. Where no one smiles much at all- insurance. But even in the best of circumstances I don't smile much. It even feels weird when I do...and it's not much of a smile.

But I have seen people in your job capacity mistreated on a political/economic level. I can't seem to shake that consideration short of this all being relative to people who for some twisted reason expect or demand you smile like everyone else.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Ok, that's good to hear. I do have a tendency to take just about anything up a notch or two. Or three. Didn't want to scare you away though. I just wish we could all collectively figure this crap out. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and it's maddening to think that 98% of society may not even see it like that.

I guess I was blessed in working so long in a job that was deadly serious. Where no one smiles much at all- insurance. But even in the best of circumstances I don't smile much. It even feels weird when I do...and it's not much of a smile.

But I have seen people in your job capacity mistreated on a political/economic level. I can't seem to shake that consideration short of this all being relative to people who for some twisted reason expect or demand you smile like everyone else.

I have the same tendency. Sometimes I use it sarcastically for comedy. But I think it does tend to scare away 'normal' people.

Yeah, job position is probably another factor in this. I highly doubt they'd tease the store manager, even if he were a woman. If I had a "better" job, I might be respected more (and if I were a manager, it'd be funny to get teased by an unknowing customer and then reveal what my position is, then watch their reaction HAHA). Personally I think everyone, regardless of rank, should be treated with equal respect. But that's just my unpopular opinion. I've also noticed that this doesn't happen to me when I'm a customer at another store. Fellow customers leave me alone and staff are nice. But the customer shouldn't be treated better than the employee.

Oh, and I just remembered that sometimes the up-front managers at my store fill in as cashiers and sometimes they even bag. I wonder if customers mistake them for being in those positions as a job. They do look different from the rest of us, though; they wear lanyards with keys on them and they don't wear aprons.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, job position is probably another factor in this. I highly doubt they'd tease the store manager, even if he were a woman. If I had a "better" job, I might be respected more (and if I were a manager, it'd be funny to get teased by an unknowing customer and then reveal what my position is, then watch their reaction HAHA). Personally I think everyone, regardless of rank, should be treated with equal respect.

Sadly I think that people tend to take their ire out on those at the bottom of the pecking order mostly because in their mind, they can. With or without complex motives involved. Often just raw emotion fostered from consumers being more price and service conscious- especially in a sustained, bad and competitive economy.

But of course there is also a certain degree of "teasing" that goes on as well. Likely blurring a line of sexual harassment. But looking at your watch? Ouch. Even George H.W. Bush lamented that's something you never want to be "caught" doing.

Our species remains quite predatory, whether they have reason to be or not.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Sadly I think that people tend to take their ire out on those at the bottom of the pecking order mostly because in their mind, they can. With or without complex motives involved. Often just raw emotion fostered from consumers being more price and service conscious- especially in a sustained, bad and competitive economy.

But of course there is also a certain degree of "teasing" that goes on as well. Likely blurring a line of sexual harassment. But looking at your watch? Ouch. Even George H.W. Bush lamented that's something you never want to be "caught" doing.

Our species remains quite predatory, whether they have reason to be or not.

Yup. A couple of times (less often though) I've also gotten comments for taking a drink from my water bottle. Things like "Thirsty?" or "Drinking on the job?" (the latter of which was actually pretty funny, to be honest).

I remember when I worked at my old store, I didn't wear an apron so there was no place to carry a water bottle on me, but there was a water jug with plastic cups out by the drive-up area. It had a glass wall so we could see outside and vice versa. Sometimes I'd go out there to get a drink or blow my nose or something, and any customers walking by would watch me as they did. Fortunately they couldn't comment because of the wall. At home I made fun of them, saying they must never have seen a person doing those things before and it must have been an amazing experience.

 

[Judge]

Yup. A couple of times (less often though) I've also gotten comments for taking a drink from my water bottle. Things like "Thirsty?" or "Drinking on the job?" (the latter of which was actually pretty funny, to be honest).

I remember when I worked at my old store, I didn't wear an apron so there was no place to carry a water bottle on me, but there was a water jug with plastic cups out by the drive-up area. It had a glass wall so we could see outside and vice versa. Sometimes I'd go out there to get a drink or blow my nose or something, and any customers walking by would watch me as they did. Fortunately they couldn't comment because of the wall. At home I made fun of them, saying they must never have seen a person doing those things before and it must have been an amazing experience.

Wow. What a work environment. I'd have gone ballistic had someone- anyone said something like that to me. I did one time work as a warehouseman, where the work was so physically demanding my best friend was a bottle of gator aid. It's not a work-ethic thang. People have to stay hydrated.

But yeah...with enough mean-spirited people around, who knows what they'll tell you?

 

[watersprite]

A new low in this 'department' happened to me a few days ago. I was by myself and a stranger, a woman, coming up to me in a waiting area and insisting I take her used water bottle and shoving it in my face insisting it was "barely used." WTF

 

[umbrellabeach]

A new low in this 'department' happened to me a few days ago. I was by myself and a stranger, a woman, coming up to me in a waiting area and insisting I take her used water bottle and shoving it in my face insisting it was "barely used." WTF

What on earth... what did she even want you to do with it?

 

[watersprite]

She insisted that I drink it. For whatever reason, I seem to attract aggressive behaviour.