Unsolicited comments (of any sort)

[umbrellabeach]

I know I'm always complaining about this so I thought it might be good to contain it in one thread...

Do you tend to get a lot of random unsolicited comments from strangers? I do and I absolutely HATE it. People think they can just say anything to me and get an amusing reaction, like they're entitled to my attention or something and I'm a reaction vending machine. This comes from both men and women, although with men it can double as hitting on me, which is unwelcome since I'm asexual (not to mention half of them are my dad's age or older).

People think all aspects of me, whether it be my demeanor, personality, facial expression, or even physical aspect like hairstyle, are open to commentary. I look young and people think I'm cute, so to them I'm basically something they can have fun with or try to change to suit themselves, rather than a person with feelings to respect equally with everyone else.

Just today at work, instead of just taking his bags and being on his way, a customer felt the need to stop beside them and stare at me for several seconds before saying, "Keep smiling," and walking away. It was sarcastic, as I was not smiling; I was concentrating on my WORK. He was subtly commanding me to smile for his own temporary and superficial pleasure, as sexists do. I wasn't looking at him, but I knew he was looking at me. I could FEEL it and I had a weird feeling about him overall, which turned out to be right when he made his sexist "smiling" comment. Since it was several seconds between him stopping and the stupid comment, I could have walked away before he had the chance. I wish I had.

That's another aspect of this - this has happened so often that my intuition has learned to sense it coming, and it's usually, if not always, right. The problem is I'm not acting on it. Every time this happens, in hindsight I'm able to see a way I could have avoided dealing with it. Even though it's not my fault other people choose to be so rude, I'm always a little mad at myself for not walking away. I've learned to ignore people who make me feel uneasy, but it doesn't work with everyone, as shown above.

Incidents like this may seem small and harmless by themselves, but they happen often enough to me that it's become a real problem.
One other thing I thought of today: I don't want my smile to be fake, cheap and casually given out to just anyone. I want it to be genuine and have meaning, even if I'm the only one who thinks of it that way. Societal norm has already cheapened the smile and made it fake, and I don't want any part in that. And of course some people don't deserve it.

If you get a lot of unsolicited comments, how do you deal with them? Do you have a way of preventing people from being able to make them?

 

[Judge]

Do you encounter this anywhere and everywhere, or exclusively on the job as a supermarket bagger?

If the answer is "yes", there might be an explanation to it all IMO. Something you may or may not have thought of given the nature and perception of your job by you and others.

I can't help but think of two concepts. False consciousness on your part, and class consciousness on the part of those who interact with you. Just a sociological theory...but it might make sense especially if people tend to approach you like this primarily at work.

If the answer is "no"...it may then involve the more baser instincts of people, yet still might involve class consciousness to some degree on their part. Whether they are truly aware of it or not.

Not that I want to promote any kind of political discussion, but there may be some interesting sociological observations to be made here. In essence I do wonder how many of us on the spectrum may be discriminated not only for who we are, but how we choose to make a living.

Sadly some people are just incapable of seeing us beyond what we do for a living. That we are human beings with hearts and minds. That we work to get by, and that what we do doesn't ultimately define us.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I'd say I experience this anywhere and everywhere. It happens all the time at church too, where everyone is a stranger who knows nothing about me. That's why I refuse to go anymore. Lately it's only been happening at work - but that's because work is pretty much the only place I go when I'm not at home. If I still went to church it would happen there.

People do tend to leave me alone if I, say, go shopping, but in environments where everyone's supposed to be "friendly" and interact with each other, some people's idea of interacting with me is harassment and teasing.

 

[Judge]

I'd say I experience this anywhere and everywhere. It happens all the time at church too, where everyone is a stranger who knows nothing about me. That's why I refuse to go anymore. Lately it's only been happening at work - but that's because work is pretty much the only place I go when I'm not at home. If I still went to church it would happen there.

People do tend to leave me alone if I, say, go shopping, but in environments where everyone's supposed to be "friendly" and interact with each other, some people's idea of interacting with me is harassment and teasing.

If it truly happens anywhere and everywhere under such circumstances, I'd think that narrows things down considerably, IMO.

That either you are overtly being judged physically, or perhaps that it is your own sensitive perception of being judged. Or even perhaps a little of both. I mean...if they know little to nothing about you, what else is there but the most superficial way people judge one another?

The weird thing for me has always been a fundamental one. While I get that this can happen to people, I don't understand WHY it even has to happen. It's like people are insane on certain levels where it's taken for granted by a social majority. That it's puzzling to me that people don't fundamentally just mind their own business, regardless of what they actually think of those around them.

Of course all that said, I can't help but wonder if you are simply attractive to a point where it distorts peoples' impressions of you, without them even getting to know you. I once developed a close relationship with a very attractive woman, which happened mostly because I did not pay attention to her in a way that she most disliked and had to deal with constantly. Though it was still a strange experience for me to be honest. So much that I did not really understand...which in looking back was probably attributed mostly to my own autism. But it was very flattering to me to be pursued by a beautiful woman. Awkward...but still flattering.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Well, I'm 22 years old, I'm female, I look young for my age, I wear my hair in braids (because it's too thick and I don't know what else to do with it), I wear glasses, etc. so I do think my appearance means people see me as naive and innocent, someone they can get away with teasing.
Here's a video of me if you're curious (sorry about how dark it is; I'll add more light and use a different camera for my next reaction video):

I don't understand why it happens either. It's so easy for me to mind my own business and leave other people alone (especially since I know what it's like to not be left alone).

 

[Judge]

so I do think my appearance means people see me as naive and innocent, someone they can get away with teasing.

Maybe your instincts are spot-on. I might be jaded, but I've always perceived the planet's most dangerous predators to walk on two legs- not four. That such predatory behavior can occur even if unintentional or subconscious.

Have you ever thought of seeking a makeover of sorts...do something to perhaps alter such perceptions so perhaps people might not be so inclined to exploit you in such a way?

Sadly people can be downright mean and destructive...in ways that they themselves cannot imagine.

I went through such periods of bewildering discrimination largely because I was simply the "new kid on the block"...frequently moving as my father was in the military. People are something else...

 

[umbrellabeach]

Yeah, I have thought about that. My biggest problem is my hair, though. I don't know what to do with it but braid it. I think buns are pretty and classy; I'm just not sure all my hair would stay in place.
I recently read that eye makeup ages you... that would be a big step for me though. I rarely wear makeup; just some concealor and/or tinted lip balm occasionally.
Sometimes I put makeup back on its shelf at work and I catch sight of the price. But it would be worth it if it deterred people from being rude.

 

[Judge]

Sometimes I put makeup back on its shelf at work and I catch sight of the price. But it would be worth it if it deterred people from being rude.

In the absence of other explanations, definitely something to consider.

 

[garnetflower13]

First of all, I want to say that I went through this exact same thing for a very long time. I just seemed to be a magnet for the kind of behavior that you describe. I was just a little above average in looks, but from the attention I seemed to draw...well, let's just say it was disorienting. I am so glad to be aging and not attracting much more than a passing glance!

I watched your video, and it was obvious to me why people harass you. You do look very naive and innocent, first of all, which of course is not your fault! I have been thinking about your hair, and wonder if you ever tried a French braid? It would look more sophisticated. And maybe change your eyeglasses for a pair with frames that are smaller? BTW, do you need the frames large? I know that I tend to wear large frames because they help me with peripheral vision.

 

[Vinca]

I did get quite a few unsolicited comments when I was younger. Their meaning was often lost on me so I just felt confused by them. There are times when I think others used teasing as a way of being friendly or flirting and I just thought they were picking on me/making fun of me.

There are some good visual 'How to' guides about different ways to put up hair on pinterest.

 

[nowwhat]

People will always be rude, and harass anyone they perceive as different. This is one vile trait of the human race. Grow a thicker skin. Be strong. Eventually, it will bother you less and less, and then you will be able to deftly turn the tables and mess with your persecutors. Trying to blend in, and conceal the real you, is maybe not the right approach, and NTs are way too good at spotting anyone who doesn't quite fit in, anyway.

Very occasionally, you will encounter someone who perceives your differences, and offers genuine kindness and perhaps even friendship. This will be rare. Be grateful when it happens. In the meantime, grow some fangs. They will come in handy. I have people at work who harass me, talk behind my back and treat me like a freak constantly. I do not fear any of them one bit, or care what they think. I can fire back quite effectively when they talk crap and while they still talk among themselves and laugh, they do not confront me to my face anymore, and they know that I know it.

 

[Judge]

Quite honestly I'm at a real loss to even begin understanding the mindset of an adult bent on teasing a total stranger based only on appearance factors. Small wonder for me to overthink it all in terms of class consciousness. Yet I know there are people out there who think in such "old world" terms.

It's gotta be my autism that confines and confounds my ability to understand such behavior.

 

[garnetflower13]

Quite honestly I'm at a real loss to even begin understanding the mindset of an adult bent on teasing a total stranger based only on appearance factors. Small wonder for me to overthink it all in terms of class consciousness. Yet I know there are people out there who think in such "old world" terms.

It's gotta be my autism that confines and confounds my ability to understand such behavior.

You're not alone! I have stood in line in a supermarket and had strange men harass me. I have sat on a bench at a bus stop reading a book, and had strange men keep trying to start a conversation. I have had men stalk me when I left my home to run errands. Aspie women must give off vulnerability vibes, or something.

 

[Judge]

You're not alone! I have stood in line in a supermarket and had strange men harass me. I have sat on a bench at a bus stop reading a book, and had strange men keep trying to start a conversation. I have had men stalk me when I left my home to run errands. Aspie women must give off vulnerability vibes, or something.

I also like to think that I was simply not raised that way in treating women...or anyone else as for that matter.

It's just foreign to me. I don't see the point other than malice, misplaced or quite deliberate. Predatory for no apparent reason. Stalking prey that won't be eaten.

 

[umbrellabeach]

garnetflower13 - My mom tried to French braid my hair once, and it hurt so much I never let her do it again. I don't need my glasses big, I just liked the 'hipster' look when I got those - and actually I did get new ones a few months ago. They're a little smaller and I think they look better on me. I don't want very small ones.

nowwhat - LOL, I do have fangs and I could tear my harassers' heads off if only there were no risk of getting fired. That's a big factor. (Your boss lets you fire back??) I'm a lot harsher than I look (many people would be shocked by the thoughts I have on a daily basis), so I don't think changing my appearance would be trying to hide the real me. I'd just like to look more mature and maybe slightly intimidating (if the latter's even possible for me).
Basically, I hate having to let people do this and get away with it. I don't ever want them to leave still thinking it's okay or acceptable to do that.

 

[Judge]

I don't need my glasses big, I just liked the 'hipster' look when I got those - and actually I did get new ones a few months ago.

Oh my. I just saw a blurb on CNN about a reporter doing a story on hipsters in Portland Oregon. Didn't seem very flattering. Especially given that this doesn't seem to transcend many generations.

I've never really understood the distinction in any favorable light to be honest. Just seems like a way people get disparaged at times. An NT cultural thang? I have no idea.

Could this have anything to do with such issues? Especially if it's older people who are discriminating against you. Tell me you don't live in the northwest! It's a cultural thing I'm barely aware of...not the sort of thing I hear about here though in Northern Nevada. Of course prejudice is prejudice...not good whatever the reasoning might be.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Yeah, people don't like hipsters because they find them pretentious. I don't really care either way, I just liked the glasses, lol.
I have different ones now but still get harassed... here's another video showing me wearing my current ones. Still hipster? They were the only ones I liked when I went for my eye appointment.
I live in Maryland btw.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, people don't like hipsters because they find them pretentious. I don't really care either way, I just liked the glasses, lol.
I have different ones now but still get harassed... here's another video showing me wearing my current ones. Still hipster? They were the only ones I liked when I went for my eye appointment.
I live in Maryland btw.

Well, LOL...I'm no expert when it comes to Hipsters...let alone any prejudice towards them! Though I've always preferred smaller frames myself....oh well.

Better to be in Maryland I suppose than Oregon though, if this has any bearing or not. Probably just my Aspie over-thinking. Don't sweat it.

Hey...I was once a neighbor....used to live in Fairfax County across the Potomac.

BTW, I have the film on DVD. Liked it very much...at the risk of all those who don't. I liked that Rose chose to chuck it all, and lived to profit from her decision rather than remain Nathan's property.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I have the DVD too. It's a great movie. I was obsessed with the Titanic for a while as a kid, then it faded for a while, but now it's back.

 

[wanderer03]

I know I'm always complaining about this so I thought it might be good to contain it in one thread...

Do you tend to get a lot of random unsolicited comments from strangers? I do and I absolutely HATE it. People think they can just say anything to me and get an amusing reaction, like they're entitled to my attention or something and I'm a reaction vending machine. This comes from both men and women, although with men it can double as hitting on me, which is unwelcome since I'm asexual (not to mention half of them are my dad's age or older).

People think all aspects of me, whether it be my demeanor, personality, facial expression, or even physical aspect like hairstyle, are open to commentary. I look young and people think I'm cute, so to them I'm basically something they can have fun with or try to change to suit themselves, rather than a person with feelings to respect equally with everyone else.

Just today at work, instead of just taking his bags and being on his way, a customer felt the need to stop beside them and stare at me for several seconds before saying, "Keep smiling," and walking away. It was sarcastic, as I was not smiling; I was concentrating on my WORK. He was subtly commanding me to smile for his own temporary and superficial pleasure, as sexists do. I wasn't looking at him, but I knew he was looking at me. I could FEEL it and I had a weird feeling about him overall, which turned out to be right when he made his sexist "smiling" comment. Since it was several seconds between him stopping and the stupid comment, I could have walked away before he had the chance. I wish I had.

That's another aspect of this - this has happened so often that my intuition has learned to sense it coming, and it's usually, if not always, right. The problem is I'm not acting on it. Every time this happens, in hindsight I'm able to see a way I could have avoided dealing with it. Even though it's not my fault other people choose to be so rude, I'm always a little mad at myself for not walking away. I've learned to ignore people who make me feel uneasy, but it doesn't work with everyone, as shown above.

Incidents like this may seem small and harmless by themselves, but they happen often enough to me that it's become a real problem.
One other thing I thought of today: I don't want my smile to be fake, cheap and casually given out to just anyone. I want it to be genuine and have meaning, even if I'm the only one who thinks of it that way. Societal norm has already cheapened the smile and made it fake, and I don't want any part in that. And of course some people don't deserve it.

If you get a lot of unsolicited comments, how do you deal with them? Do you have a way of preventing people from being able to make them?

I used to get this all of the time at work until I had a really snarky retort. Now, people generally give me a wide berth. They think I have a screw loose and that's perfectly fine with me. I used to take them silently, now I get somewhat confrontational. The only thing a bully understands is confrontation.