Unsolicited comments (of any sort)

[umbrellabeach]

I am not assuming that just saying I felt the same as you but things change as time goes by. I am not the same me as I was when I was your age, things change with time.
But that is years off don't worry about it too much right now umbrellabeach .

I'm not worried, I just know myself well enough to know romance is not for me.

 

[Maelstrom]

I'm not worried, I just know myself well enough to know romance is not for me.

It is okay, you are entitled to choose how you want to live, umbrellabeach ,your life belongs to you.
I was just showing how it went for me as a autistic, not saying you should do this or that.

 

[umbrellabeach]

It is okay, you are entitled to choose how you want to live, umbrellabeach ,your life belongs to you.
I was just showing how it went for me as a autistic, not saying you should do this or that.

The way you worded it made it sound like you were implying I'd change too. Kind of how people used to say, "I knew a girl who said she never wanted kids, now she has like ten of them," etc. I'm too used to that, I guess, so I get a little defensive. Sorry about that, I just wanted to make things clear.

 

[Maelstrom]

The way you worded it made it sound like you were implying I'd change too. Kind of how people used to say, "I knew a girl who said she never wanted kids, now she has like ten of them," etc. I'm too used to that, I guess. So I just wanted to make things clear.

I have no way of knowing that umbrellabeach ,however I do think the autistic biology seems match what happened to me in general. Most autisic & aspies marry late in life 30s to 40s....some don't marry at all.
Don't worry about it too much umbrellabeach ,focus on living well and being happy now, what happens later happens later...and is entirely up to you.
You don't have to arrange your life to suit others...follow your own heart on how you live, you can't please everyone anyways, and they want things that make no sense and conflict all the time.

 

[Jain Doe]

If you get a lot of unsolicited comments, how do you deal with them? Do you have a way of preventing people from being able to make them?[/QUOTE]

NT's like human contact. Maybe the guy thought you were having a bad day? It freaks me out when those unsolicited comments come out, like some chick asking if my hair color was natural. I have a lot of grey. I dye it, and it is obvious. Duh.

My advice to would be the same advice I try to take. Work with it. It may push you out of your comfort zone to reply, but it will definitely dull the repetitive effect of dealing with people. You are working in a very social job. There are lots of people to be dealt with and their social norm is social chit chat. Small talk. The things we hate. At 22 tho- developing the ability to cope with the social chit chat and maybe even developing the skill to perform social chit chat will give you more confidence to deal with your job and the people around you. It takes work and it zaps energy, but in the end you will have gained a skill and developed a comfort zone that will help you the rest of your life.

(Having said that, I did just put a "do not disturb" sticker on my laptop so that those unsolicited comments will hopefully not happen when I am trying to study.)

 

[umbrellabeach]

I'm usually having a fine day UNTIL someone makes a comment. I don't think they do it just for chit-chat. They do it for their amusement, to get a reaction out of me because they think I'm cute. That's why I don't reply.

 

[wanderer03]

I'm usually having a fine day UNTIL someone makes a comment. [emoji14] I don't think they do it just for chit-chat. They do it for their amusement, to get a reaction out of me because they think I'm cute. That's why I don't reply.

Sometimes men think they're being cool oe flirty when they make comments. Just say something snarky right back. It'll shut them up.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Sometimes men think they're being cool oe flirty when they make comments. Just say something snarky right back. It'll shut them up.

Or make them laugh.
(Which is why whatever I say should be something really dark and shocking, maybe gruesome. )

 

[wanderer03]

Or make them laugh.
(Which is why whatever I say should be something really dark and shocking, maybe gruesome. )

Why not!

 

[Maelstrom]

Or make them laugh.
(Which is why whatever I say should be something really dark and shocking, maybe gruesome. )

I think it would be better to come up with a deflection comment that is polite but closes the door on further comments. Something like thank you but I'm fine this is just me...don't worry about it.
Or I'm fine but I'd rather not talk about it.


I would if I were you umbrellabeach ,work on polite ways to deflect and limit further conversation if it bothers you.
It is good however to learn to do such conversation banter as it is how most relations are handled in the NT world.

It is not good to offend people unnecessarily, that can come back to bite you later in life you never know who will be your next boss...etcetera...

 

[Judge]

I would think a momentary glare/blank stare in their direction without any words would say a great deal without breaking any obvious rules such as hostile remarks to customers. Besides, they aren't worth giving them any more than that.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I think it would be better to come up with a deflection comment that is polite but closes the door on further comments. Something like thank you but I'm fine this is just me...don't worry about it.
Or I'm fine but I'd rather not talk about it.

That sounds easy enough to the average person, but people like these tend not to take me seriously. They probably think I'm just being dramatic or something, so they just laugh and/or tease me more.
I think what Judge said would be a better option for me. Besides, most people get irritated if they don't get a verbal response. I've made a few customers obviously insecure and uncomfortable simply by being quiet.

It's been three work days since I ditched the braids and so far I haven't been harassed... good sign. But we'll see how things are in a month.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I switched and so far nothing has happened. The closest thing to harassment I've experienced was when, a few days ago, I was heading to clock out of work and go home and some older guy passed me and said, "Hey, where's your pigtails? Did you do away with them?" I just ignored him and walked on, thinking, Yeah I did, and I'm not bringing them back for you. LOL

Seriously, though... all I did was change my hair and things have been better. Can't say for sure whether it's definitely my solution since it's only been two weeks, but they're better at the moment. I also still intend to try makeup as well. And I had a new thought about this: People truly do judge by appearance, and this is a subtle example of how it's done.
I used to think judging by appearance meant liking or disliking someone, or thinking they were smart or stupid, based on whether they were pretty/handsome or ugly, and I'd never seen anyone do that. But now I see there's much more to it than that. People - or should I say predators - use appearance to scout out prey. If you look young, cute, and naive, you're seen as an easy target who won't fight back. That's as superficial as it gets because a person's hairstyle is absolutely no indicator of what they're capable of.

I also realized something about the times people try to get a reaction from me and I ignore them. They often get so uncomfortable and desperate that the situation is flipped and I'm the one getting an amusing reaction from them!

 

[watersprite]

Umbrellabeach you aren't the only one. Even not so young aspie gals get unwanted comments. I went to get my truck worked on and of course had to go up to the counter where some dude even older than me felt he had to tell me that I have such a good figure. WTF (pardon the swear words) Sure, Yeah, right,like I went to the repair shop to try for a compliment from him. Geez, do these people ever listen to themselves?! Here is another one. I was resting on a bench one morning, minding my own business on the way home with my veggies and eggs and some lady said loudly, "been to the market?!" I went mute, just looked up at her. I wanted to say, "no **** sherlock!" And people wonder why I would rather stay at home and work in the garden.
- rant over -

 

[umbrellabeach]

Umbrellabeach you aren't the only one. Even not so young aspie gals get unwanted comments. I went to get my truck worked on and of course had to go up to the counter where some dude even older than me felt he had to tell me that I have such a good figure. WTF (pardon the swear words) Sure, Yeah, right,like I went to the repair shop to try for a compliment from him. Geez, do these people ever listen to themselves?! Here is another one. I was resting on a bench one morning, minding my own business on the way home with my veggies and eggs and some lady said loudly, "been to the market?!" I went mute, just looked up at her. I wanted to say, "no **** sherlock!" And people wonder why I would rather stay at home and work in the garden.
- rant over -

SMH. What do they even expect to come out of that? There's no logical reason to just randomly call out comments to strangers.

 

[Judge]

There's no logical reason to just randomly call out comments to strangers.

I'm inclined to think most of us Aspies don't appreciate being approached by strangers in general. I realize some people are just being friendly, while some have various agendas. But I always feel a bit "ambushed" when approached by a stranger for much of any reason IRL.

 

[clg114]

In this day and age a stranger approaching is grounds to put one hand on your piece and the other on your wallet.

"Your piece" is your handgun. Just to clarify. For those of you with a dirty mind. Which apparently includes me. According to my wife.

 

[Maelstrom]

SMH. What do they even expect to come out of that? There's no logical reason to just randomly call out comments to strangers.

Actually it is how people make friends....it's called a opener...you say a little something and see if it is welcomed...if it is then maybe a more normal friendly conversation comes then or later.
It is not random, it is testing friendliness.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I wish I had a handgun. Once I live on my own I plan to do all the training and stuff, then get one or more.

Honestly, these days I feel like everyone giving me an unsolicited comment has an agenda. Teasing me, hitting on me, calling attention to me so they don't have to deal with their own insecurities in that moment, etc. Just using me to make themselves feel good. And after all the betrayals I've been through regarding friendships, every time someone shows interest in being my friend I wonder what they want from me.

If they are truly trying to be friendly, they are failing miserably. Making random comments about how I look or what I'm doing, for the sole sake of talking to me or getting my attention, will always have the opposite effect. I don't care what the social norm is; that's not how I work.

 

[Nightingale121]

There's no logical reason to just randomly call out comments to strangers.

I'm inclined to think most of us Aspies don't appreciate being approached by strangers in general. I realize some people are just being friendly, while some have various agendas. But I always feel a bit "ambushed" when approached by a stranger for much of any reason IRL.

I agree with that.
Even when I know some people are just trying to be friendly, I don't really appreciate it.
Apart from being a kind of interruption while I might be thinking about something completly different and not being in the "speaking mode", it's also that it is so unexpected and I don't know what to answer.
I have to switch from my "thought mode" in my mind to communication. I guess it takes an unusal amount of time and effort for me and when someone forces me to do that without a logical reason, I feel rather annoyed instead of being able to appreciate the friendliness.

I mostly get those random comments while going to school by train, so I keep a book with me there now. It makes it obvious that I am busy and don't want to talk right now when I read.

If they are truly trying to be friendly, they are failing miserably. Making random comments about how I look or what I'm doing, for the sole sake of talking to me or getting my attention, will always have the opposite effect. I don't care what the social norm is; that's not how I work.

Yes, that's true for me as well.
I guess for me it's especially the fact that those comments are never something I actually feel like talking about (or is worth talking about, like people commenting on the weather).
I think it would be far more interesting when people would comment on something I am interested in, but how would they know what I like? That's probably what Maelstrom is referring to too. They use those general comments to start a conversation and check if there might be shared interests or something like that which could lead to a better conversation (assuming they are really just trying to be friendly and that's their intention).

Actually it is how people make friends....it's called a opener...you say a little something and see if it is welcomed...if it is then maybe a more normal friendly conversation comes then or later.
It is not random, it is testing friendliness.

But people sometimes do that very randomly as it seems, like in situations I wouldn't expect people to want to make friends with me or when I'm quite sure this isn't their intention at all.
I understand that in some situations those openers are supposed to be followed by a further conversation if there's interest on both sides, but I still get random comments by strangers for no real reason.

I can see though that this approach sometimes makes it hard for me to start conversations and make friends myself. For example when I notice something interesting about a person, I don't want to bother them and stay quiet because for me it can be annoying to be talked to randomly. But of course I have no chance to make contact with them at all this way.