Unable to tolerate casual touching (dating)

[Lundi]

If you react in these ways to casual touching, I can see why you are still a virgin. I don't mean that as a put-down. The mating dance in humans involves a series of escalating actions leading up to the ultimate intimacy of sex. When you shrink away from an "innocent" touch, you pretty much prevent any of that from happening.

I guess it's up to you whether you want to do anything about it.

Well I do not understand any of these neurotypical "dances". Nor can I do literal dancing, e.g. tango, waltz, etc.

My ideal would be if I were told robotically that someone were going to touch me soon, so that I could prepare and not be shocked. Of course, no one would put up with this though.

 

[Lundi]

I'm always vigilant about potential pickpockets. Particularly any time I'm surrounded and crowded by strangers. But then I confine such concerns and vigilance to just that- total strangers. Not those I know.

Well it depends. I kind of have it in my head that everyone can be a potential pickpocket, robber or someone who just has bad intentions towards me. Or that they just want to screw me over in some way.

Sounds like your challenge is to condition yourself to touch based on conditions and who touches you rather than touch in general.

When I was 12, I had to go to this school dance because it was the last year of primary school and there was this annual dance for leavers. I was paired with this girl, and I could not slow dance at all. She told me to put her arms around her waist, but I tried and could not get it right. My classmates saw me struggling on the dance floor and came over to try to teach me how to dance properly. I still could not do it properly, and eventually I became too flustered. Then more classmates started seeing me and made fun of me. The girl told me, "It is not that hard" and "Relax" and stuff like that. Even some classmates physically took my arms and put them around her waist trying to show me. Eventually I just gave up because I was feeling a panic attack brewing inside. So I left her there and went to a chair and sat in the dark by myself. I got made fun of that for the rest of the year.

It is like when I have to touch another, I still am hesitant and not sure how to approach the situation. Or vice versa, when they are allowed to touch me.

 

[Aspychata]

This sounds pretty serious. When a guy walked me home from Jr High and kissed me, omg, l immediately complained to my mom the minute l got home.

I went to high school dance and didn't like the suprise l got close dancing with a guy, l will leave it at that.

So can you desensitize yourself first with handshakes, then go to hugs! Once you are comfortable with that then maybe you can get to pecking a small kiss on the cheek. Just take it slowly. If you meet someone, when you say goodbye, say can l give you a hug,and smile when you ask!

 

[Major Tom]

I try not to touch anyone other than people close to me. I don't have such an adverse reaction as you do, just a general dislike of touching by people I don't know all that well.
I also dislike touching doors and other things many people have handled, like money and usually will cover my hand with my shirt sleeve when touching either.

 

[Major Tom]

Does it also include people close to you? Like family etc? Or only when dating or the opposite sex?

 

[Lundi]

Does it also include people close to you? Like family etc? Or only when dating or the opposite sex?

When my parents hug me I usually allow it, but not really reciprocate. When extended family try to hug or do the two kisses on the cheek I usually withdraw. Since I did this often since I was a boy, I am known for this and extended family usually consider me a weirdo.

When I do go on dates, which is rare and probably average once a year at most, I do not touch really. Even though I have a blank facial expression at most times, I am quite jumpy and nervous. If she touches me I most likely will flinch.

Even not on dates, during casual conversation in any place. When I was studying in the UK during a group report, one woman in my group was talking to me. Then suddenly she said that some piece of lint got stuck on my eyelashes. She reached with her hand on my eye to take it off, but I immediately turned my head away.

I look calm and collected, but deep down I am quite anxious/nervous so my sharp reflexes can make me jerk my body suddenly when I get touched like that. I think that the reflex puts them off a lot. If touched near my face I often jerk my head to the left or to the right or step backwards. It is kind of like whiplash in a car.

 

[Fino]

Have you considered cuddle therapy?

 

[Aspychata]

Have you considered cuddle therapy?

Great idea, is it group therapy? l know they have laughing therapy.

 

[Judge]

Given the content of the OP's thread about virginity, if you consider both this thread and that one, there is one thing that seriously comes to mind. The consideration of seeking a Certified Sex Therapist who also offers Sex Surrogate services.

With such serious issues that inhibit both touch and intimate encounters, this might be a very private, yet pragmatic and successful way of attempting at least to overcome such issues rather than just accepting them.

"Sex surrogates, sometimes referred to as surrogate partners, are practitioners trained in addressing issues of intimacy and sexuality. A surrogate partner works in collaboration with a therapist to meet the goals of their client."

It wouldn't surprise me if such professional services offered have a fair number of clients on the spectrum of autism.

Ironically this subject is presently being broached on the tv series "The Good Doctor". Where autistic main character Dr. Shaun Murphy has been attempting to "escalate" his relationship with his girlfriend...with less than stellar results. His character also has major issues with touching. Tough to see him struggle with yet another "love/hate relationship" we autistics must deal with in interacting with others. Difficult to watch at times.

 

[paloftoon]

I see, I had never thought of that before.

I think that lately I have been increasingly paranoid and suspicious of other people, so it does not help. I suppose that in the rare cases that I do go on dates, I already start from a suspicious and paranoid mindset. By default, I do not trust her in the first place. So touching would probably confuse me like it usually does.

I used to have big issues with this. Most people are like this to a certain degree.

Start with meeting in a public place and feel a person in-person. Online can be a good start. But I recommend don't rely on online for more than two weeks before planning to meet in-person. If either you or the other person have a problem trying to plan to meet in-person after two weeks, then at least one party is probably way too socially anxious and it's time to move on. Also, indicate before you meet that you are not into being physically touched at all even with taps on the shoulder or such.

 

[Fino]

Great idea, is it group therapy? l know they have laughing therapy.

It's similar to what Judge has just mentioned but a little less professional/formal. It's one-on-one and is basically a prostitute for cuddling. You discuss with the person your limits and issues and go at whatever speed you feel comfortable, with the furthest you can go being cuddling. I've met one, a therapist of this, and she takes it very seriously, and the whole process is about respect, boundaries, comfort, etc.