Isabelle Smith
NT Looking to Understand
I'm here looking for advice from others on how to show my Ex-boyfriend (19) that we could be happy together.
He was my first boyfriend, we dated for 4 months (He was 18 at the time, I am 20) and grew apart beause I didnt understand how much his autism effected our relationship. We rushed into our relationship and a month in he told me he may be autistic. By that point I had already established unrealistic expectations of what our relationship would be like.
When he told me I didnt mind but I didnt know enough to know how much different a reltionship would be with an autistic partner. When things started to get rough, I started reading articles online about relationships between autistic and nerotypical partners and it helped me understand a little, but by that point I felt too insecure in the relationship to let those feelings go. And, I feel he had already became frustrated with me for not understanding without him communicating with me. In hindisght, I shouldve been researching autism in general to learn more about him and his unique traits in addition to what being in a relationship with an autistic partner is like.
Our breakup came about from a few weeks of me asking if he cared for me, and he would say he did but I felt his actions weren't showing that to be to true. I knew he couldnt tell when I would want to be hugged or kissed, but it made me sad that if i would try to hug him, or cuddle him he never seemed to reciprocate. A lot of his behaviour was self-centered (such as we could only do activities he wanted to do, listen to music he wanted to, etc,) and we only saw each other at night during those last few weeks, and going out would start an argument between us.
I suspect now he would feel overstimulated and take it out on me, but i didnt understand that at the time. I felt uneasy about my importance to him which led to an argument in which I asked again if he even cared about me and he asked why he kept having to tell me but he didn't understand my reasoning of him not doing anything to show he cared, so I decided to end things because I was very attatched to him and afraid he was just going to hurt me, but we agreed to remain friends.
We kept talking through it the next day and I told him I felt hurt that he seemed to not be affected by it at all, he replied that he would love for me to still be his girlfriend, he just didnt like the way things were going. I agreed to stop complaining about his actions, and we continued to talk, but a few days later he told me he needed a break.
He had decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend who I had known was trying to contact him while we were together, after her boyfriend (the boy she left my ex for) dumped her. I told him I loved him, and I wanted to stay together, but he told me she was the only girl he'd ever loved. I was very hurt and very angry with him, I was afraid the emotional distance was because he had been seeing her behind my back.
I was angry with him for a month or two. I said a lot of regrettable things, like that I had wished I'd never met him, that he was an a-hole, and a bad boyfriend, but i still missed him and would ask him to give me another chance. He would never reply but if I tried to talk to him as friends about music or things he was interested in, he would reply and sometimes send me memes or songs he liked, against the wishes of his new girlfriend, and he said we were on good terms.
When I started seeing my therapist, she gave me more insight on what its like being autistic. I began to read more on it again and realized that a lot of the things I was calling him a "bad boyfriend" for, werent signs of him mistreating me or being unfaithful, just the signs of his autism. I explained to him that I didnt understand that before, and apolgized to him, and told him that I am now working on trying to understand him better, and were now having more engaging conversations like the ones we had when we were together.
I still miss him a lot and want to be with him, but any time i try to bring up being together again, he just ignores me or changes the subject. I've told him its ok to say he doesnt want to be together anymore but he still will not give me an answer but I'm not sure if its because he doesnt want to be with me anymore, he just doesnt know, or if its because he doesnt want his girlfriend to be mad at him if he says he would like to be with me again someday.
I loved him very much, and I know that now that I have a better understanding of him, things could be different, I just dont know how to show him that. I want him to be happy, but I'm afraid his new girlfriend was just jealous and lonely, and thats why she began contacting him again when we were together. She doesnt like me, or that we're still in contact after 3 months, but he is still friendly towards me anyways which to me, means he still cares for me, but him being with someone else hurts me very much.
I would love for any advice on how to communicate my feelings to him better, how to help him communicate his feelings to me, and show him that things could be different if we tried again.
He was my first boyfriend, we dated for 4 months (He was 18 at the time, I am 20) and grew apart beause I didnt understand how much his autism effected our relationship. We rushed into our relationship and a month in he told me he may be autistic. By that point I had already established unrealistic expectations of what our relationship would be like.
When he told me I didnt mind but I didnt know enough to know how much different a reltionship would be with an autistic partner. When things started to get rough, I started reading articles online about relationships between autistic and nerotypical partners and it helped me understand a little, but by that point I felt too insecure in the relationship to let those feelings go. And, I feel he had already became frustrated with me for not understanding without him communicating with me. In hindisght, I shouldve been researching autism in general to learn more about him and his unique traits in addition to what being in a relationship with an autistic partner is like.
Our breakup came about from a few weeks of me asking if he cared for me, and he would say he did but I felt his actions weren't showing that to be to true. I knew he couldnt tell when I would want to be hugged or kissed, but it made me sad that if i would try to hug him, or cuddle him he never seemed to reciprocate. A lot of his behaviour was self-centered (such as we could only do activities he wanted to do, listen to music he wanted to, etc,) and we only saw each other at night during those last few weeks, and going out would start an argument between us.
I suspect now he would feel overstimulated and take it out on me, but i didnt understand that at the time. I felt uneasy about my importance to him which led to an argument in which I asked again if he even cared about me and he asked why he kept having to tell me but he didn't understand my reasoning of him not doing anything to show he cared, so I decided to end things because I was very attatched to him and afraid he was just going to hurt me, but we agreed to remain friends.
We kept talking through it the next day and I told him I felt hurt that he seemed to not be affected by it at all, he replied that he would love for me to still be his girlfriend, he just didnt like the way things were going. I agreed to stop complaining about his actions, and we continued to talk, but a few days later he told me he needed a break.
He had decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend who I had known was trying to contact him while we were together, after her boyfriend (the boy she left my ex for) dumped her. I told him I loved him, and I wanted to stay together, but he told me she was the only girl he'd ever loved. I was very hurt and very angry with him, I was afraid the emotional distance was because he had been seeing her behind my back.
I was angry with him for a month or two. I said a lot of regrettable things, like that I had wished I'd never met him, that he was an a-hole, and a bad boyfriend, but i still missed him and would ask him to give me another chance. He would never reply but if I tried to talk to him as friends about music or things he was interested in, he would reply and sometimes send me memes or songs he liked, against the wishes of his new girlfriend, and he said we were on good terms.
When I started seeing my therapist, she gave me more insight on what its like being autistic. I began to read more on it again and realized that a lot of the things I was calling him a "bad boyfriend" for, werent signs of him mistreating me or being unfaithful, just the signs of his autism. I explained to him that I didnt understand that before, and apolgized to him, and told him that I am now working on trying to understand him better, and were now having more engaging conversations like the ones we had when we were together.
I still miss him a lot and want to be with him, but any time i try to bring up being together again, he just ignores me or changes the subject. I've told him its ok to say he doesnt want to be together anymore but he still will not give me an answer but I'm not sure if its because he doesnt want to be with me anymore, he just doesnt know, or if its because he doesnt want his girlfriend to be mad at him if he says he would like to be with me again someday.
I loved him very much, and I know that now that I have a better understanding of him, things could be different, I just dont know how to show him that. I want him to be happy, but I'm afraid his new girlfriend was just jealous and lonely, and thats why she began contacting him again when we were together. She doesnt like me, or that we're still in contact after 3 months, but he is still friendly towards me anyways which to me, means he still cares for me, but him being with someone else hurts me very much.
I would love for any advice on how to communicate my feelings to him better, how to help him communicate his feelings to me, and show him that things could be different if we tried again.
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