Trouble with food/eating

[inkfingers]

So, I think I've said this before, but I have a history of anorexia. And I'm completely weight-restored (actually almost overweight according to my bmi) but I can't seem to eat normally. I either eat nothing at all, or binge eat everything. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle, and can't seem to get out. I've tried to only eat when I'm hungry, but half the time I can't tell if I'm hungry or not. I am physically healthy, but I want to lose weight so that I can fit in better with my peers. I know its irrational, but I feel like if I look more like my peers, then maybe I'll have better success in socializing and fitting in. I know this is ridiculous, because I've never quite fit in, even when I was stick thin.

So... yeah. That's where I'm at. Basically every day I don't eat anything for as long as possible, and then at night I binge eat and feel guilty for eating anything, and then I vow to not eat anything the next day, and the cycle starts all over again. It is really frustrating, and I am having trouble normalizing my eating pattern. And the thing is, I'm not even trying to lose weight for vanity. Its a last ditch attempt to fit in and have some sort of control/ routine in my life.

Sorry for the long rant. If anyone has suggestions, I'd be more than glad to hear them.

 

[tree]

Is it possible for you to schedule your eating times?
And measure/estimate accurately the amount to eat?

 

[tlc]

Can you try and offset the process by half a day? Like eat the first part of the day, then not eat the rest of the day? You should lose weight better that way. Because your body has all day to burn off the calories with your activity. As opposed to eating a bunch then going to bed soon, where the calories just end up getting stored as fat.

When doing things at my own will, I won't eat most of the day, I might eat later but not a bunch. When I'm at work, I eat almost everything in the AM, then usually nothing the rest of the day. Due to acid reflux, it really helps if I avoid eating at least 4 hours before laying down for the night.

But I'm like you, I rarely actually feel hungry. I just eat because I know I should.

 

[Fino]

I can't tell when I'm hungry or not either and I used to keep randomly feeling tired, irritable, and depressed, then I'd realize I hadn't eaten in a long time or not realize that and eat because I was fed then "coincidentally" feel better.

Now I eat generally the same things at the same time every day and no longer have that problem.

 

[Misery]

When it comes to fitting in, know that nobody ACTUALLY cares about (or even notices, in most cases) your weight except for you. Seriously. Unless you're morbidly overweight (that dangerous sort of ultra-fat that makes it hard to even move around) most people could not give less of a crap.

And if you DO find someone who bashes you for it, or doesnt accept you... then why in the numerous hells would you want to fit in with them anyway? I dont know about you, but I have zero interest in fitting in with bullies and total jerkbags. Seems highly illogical.

However, people often WILL notice the effects of anorexia. And that CAN repulse them. That, too, is worth keeping in mind. There are many negative stigmas attached to it... and for very good reason. So by doing this, you're not increasing the chances of fitting in: You're actively making it harder.

Beyond that though... stop worrying so much about fitting in. Instead of trying to mingle with a bazillion self-absorbed idiots, like most people do... seek out friends who will simply accept you for who you really are. It is better to have one true friend, than to have 50 fake ones. This is a lesson I really wish more people could learn.

Dont get me wrong: finding a true friend does not happen overnight. Even if you do everything right, it's not easy. It takes time, and real effort. But believe me, it's far more worth it to do that, than to worry about "fitting in". Too many people worry about that. And much of the time, it never actually works out in the way they believe it will. Then they wonder why they get depressed and miserable.

I can't tell when I'm hungry or not either and I used to keep randomly feeling tired, irritable, and depressed, then I'd realize I hadn't eaten in a long time or not realize that and eat because I was fed then "coincidentally" feel better.

Now I eat generally the same things at the same time every day and no longer have that problem.

Aye, I often have this issue.

I typically go through most of the day not feeling actual hunger. And then, really abruptly, it'll switch from "no hunger" to "HOLY SPORKS I could eat a whole horse, how did I not notice I was this hungry?".

The trick in my case was simply to have a similar amount of time between each meal. Like, lunch is always right around 4 hours after breakfast. Dinner is 5-6 hours after lunch.

Even though I have a slowly rotating sleep schedule, this keeps things regulated. The only times I'll go into "OH GOD FEED ME" mode is if I get REALLY distracted by something to the point where I dont realize what time it is and end up 90 minutes past the target time for a meal.

I also tend to have similar meals each day. I dont vary things up too much. One way or another though, once I spot that it's meal time, I eat something regardless of the lack of a "hunger" feeling. That feeling doesnt need to be there, for it to be the right time to eat.

And so, no real problems, and my weight is very stable and doesnt really change.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh I hear you very much.

I say of myself that I have an "anorexia brain", but due to thyroid issues, I have never succumbed to the cruelty of anorexia, until now, but with knowledge on what food does to the body; I am on the winning side.

How I am achieving to eat, is allowing my body to talk to me. So, if I have not eaten at all and my tummy starts to rumble, then even if no appetite, I will eat, but a small quanity.

I think my lack of appetite stems from withdrawl symptoms, but my "anorexic brain" whispers: yeah, go for it and if I have had three meals in a day ( even if very small and no snacking), I feel so disappointed in myself and promise to starve the next day.

I have said with deep pride to my husband: I only had one slice of homemade bread today!

I am also losing weight, which currently is great, as I do need to lose some.

Just to add: even if I do not feel hungry and force myself to have a slice of toast, I have enjoyed the toast etc and this helps my brain to realise that even if not hungry, I can eat.

So, if you have not eaten or very little and tum is growling, it is saying: please put food into me. However, if you have just eaten and like 5 minute's later, your tum makes noises, ignore it.

The last time I had to be weighed, it came in at 80 kilos, which for my height, is rather overweight. I should be around 54 to 60.

I know well the struggle that goes on and the self of pride, when we give into that struggle. Each time I have been ill and off my food, the "anorexic brain" kicks in and I try to give myself a mental kick.

I have always been addicted to chocolate, but the last time I had some, I felt so sick from it, that it has "cured" me from it. I have no desire for it anymore.

 

[Pinkie B]

It's so exciting to see so many others who simply can't tell when they're hungry!

I do apologize if my enthusiasm is misplaced. I'm still getting used to the idea that there are other people like me.

I used to be able to tell if I was hungry until a few years ago. At least, according to my family I was always hungry and always eating. I really like food and so I cannot resist it if it's in front of me, but that's not the same as feeling hungry. When I was in graduate school and trying to work on my dissertation I would get so focused that I could go 6 hours without moving except to pee. And then I would feel dizzy and lightheaded and cold and realize that I needed to eat. Three years later I have learned that I feel hungry by losing sensation in my fingers and toes. Probably not a sign of health, but it's my best signal that I'm hungry.

I just deal with it like everyone else here has said: I eat because it's eating time, not because I'm hungry. Now that my activity level has dropped my weight has skyrocketed. I'd like to lose weight and get back to a body composition that's a little more athletic, but I try not to worry about it too much because I know that when I can get on the bike again I will drop pounds like flies in a Monsanto corn field. That's because I will continue to eat because it's time to eat and not register that I need the extra calories.

Like so much else in my life, food intake is on manual control. ::sigh:: such is my life.

 

[Monachopia]

I've been in that cycle you're in... I had anorexia for a period of time in my early 20's which then developed into binge eating disorder. The anorexia part of the brain was screaming the entire time. Then it developed into disordered eating like you're experiencing now... Honestly, it took a very long time to fix on my own. I would suggest going to see a therapist if you can, because as you well know it's all a mental process. It's a cycle of guilt, regret and punishment.

The only thing you can really do - which is what I find works for me now, is to actually.... well, eat. Eat at designated times. Assign 2-3 times a day to have a meal. Think what you'd like to have ahead of time so that it fits in with your goals. Starving yourself will always lead to a binge because your body is rebelling. Anorexia sets off a mental and a neuro-chemical reaction. Think of it as if we're still hunter-gatherers. There were periods of food scarcity and when food was plentiful. We live in a world where food is everywhere and there is no need to hunt and store fat for times of famine. By starving yourself you're triggering that instinct to hunt for food - especially now that you've put your body through large periods of starvation. It can't cope anymore. So the brain signals extremely strongly to hunt and eat as much as possible, because another period of famine is LIKELY (as you've programmed it to think it will be).

The only way to fix it is to reprogram your body to believe that a period of starvation is unlikely to happen again. It will take time, with regular small meals. Forgive yourself if you 'slip' - a healthy mindstate is the most important thing here. For now, binges will happen. Your body needs time to recalibrate. Please remember, simply eating any food is not likely to make you gain weight so long as you're sensible. That is sometimes the easiest thing to forget in situations like this. Food is not the enemy, our brains are.

If you ever need, PM me, I'm happy to talk

 

[Tom]

I think the structured approach people have mentioned is a good idea. Set up a schedule and decide on basic amounts so you have the fuel you need at the right time and get the right vitamins, etc, to be healthy. It would be nice if it just naturally fell into place, and not so much like a chore, but often is the case with eating.

 

[inkfingers]

I've been in that cycle you're in... I had anorexia for a period of time in my early 20's which then developed into binge eating disorder. The anorexia part of the brain was screaming the entire time. Then it developed into disordered eating like you're experiencing now... Honestly, it took a very long time to fix on my own. I would suggest going to see a therapist if you can, because as you well know it's all a mental process. It's a cycle of guilt, regret and punishment.

The only thing you can really do - which is what I find works for me now, is to actually.... well, eat. Eat at designated times. Assign 2-3 times a day to have a meal. Think what you'd like to have ahead of time so that it fits in with your goals. Starving yourself will always lead to a binge because your body is rebelling. Anorexia sets off a mental and a neuro-chemical reaction. Think of it as if we're still hunter-gatherers. There were periods of food scarcity and when food was plentiful. We live in a world where food is everywhere and there is no need to hunt and store fat for times of famine. By starving yourself you're triggering that instinct to hunt for food - especially now that you've put your body through large periods of starvation. It can't cope anymore. So the brain signals extremely strongly to hunt and eat as much as possible, because another period of famine is LIKELY (as you've programmed it to think it will be).

The only way to fix it is to reprogram your body to believe that a period of starvation is unlikely to happen again. It will take time, with regular small meals. Forgive yourself if you 'slip' - a healthy mindstate is the most important thing here. For now, binges will happen. Your body needs time to recalibrate. Please remember, simply eating any food is not likely to make you gain weight so long as you're sensible. That is sometimes the easiest thing to forget in situations like this. Food is not the enemy, our brains are.

If you ever need, PM me, I'm happy to talk

Thanks for the advice. It is comforting to know someone else went through the same thing I'm struggling with, and got out alive

 

[KingofKings696]

7 years ago I seen a personal trainer for a while to help me get my weight down and get back into shape they structured me on a high protein diet with 6 small meals a day and I forced myself to eat at scheduled times to help me stick to it. This really helped me as I never felt hungry and always full so i simply never had the room to binge like I would before that. Might be something to look into as it keeps your metabolism up and keep the hungers from creeping in.

 

[inkfingers]

Thanks for the help and support, everyone. I've been doing well so far today. 3 meals (mostly consisting of pbjs) some fruit and veggies. I'm not hungry, and I'm not experiencing any big urges to binge eat, so I think I'm on the right track.

By the way, do you think it is common for autistic people to eat the same thing over and over again? I always eat at least one peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day, sometimes up to three a day. I never get tired of them, and they are always filling.

 

[tlc]

By the way, do you think it is common for autistic people to eat the same thing over and over again? I always eat at least one peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day, sometimes up to three a day. I never get tired of them, and they are always filling.

Yes, there was a thread on that recently. Nothing wrong with that either, as long as it's something nutritious.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

The only thing you can really do - which is what I find works for me now, is to actually.... well, eat. Eat at designated times. Assign 2-3 times a day to have a meal. Think what you'd like to have ahead of time so that it fits in with your goals. Starving yourself will always lead to a binge because your body is rebelling. Anorexia sets off a mental and a neuro-chemical reaction. Think of it as if we're still hunter-gatherers. There were periods of food scarcity and when food was plentiful. We live in a world where food is everywhere and there is no need to hunt and store fat for times of famine. By starving yourself you're triggering that instinct to hunt for food - especially now that you've put your body through large periods of starvation. It can't cope anymore. So the brain signals extremely strongly to hunt and eat as much as possible, because another period of famine is LIKELY (as you've programmed it to think it will be).

Wrong.

To OP:

It seems to me you still have anorexia. None of what you say is congruent. Your pattern of eating is self-destructive and all for the sake of "fitting in" and losing weight. You might be looking at a relapse if you don't get someone else involved.

Your BMI cannot be used to make specific assessments. It is a very crude way of seeing whether someone is overweight and is useful in determining health risks for heart health. It is not a perfect way to determine fat or skinny. This is because weight can consist of bone, muscle, brains and organs. Oh and fat. And some of those other things are made of fat. The current IFBB Mr Olympia Shawn Rhoden has a weight at competition of around 240 (maybe a bit lower) at a height of 5 10. This is a BMI of 34. Do you think he's fat when that competition weight is probably around 5% body fat? According to a doctor he's obese. I've been called underweight my entire life and doctors got my mother to feed me to the point of obesity due to this. Any fool could see I was fat, except a doctor because BMI and weight. Turns out I had muscular dystrophy, and the correct prescription was a gym membership instead of destroying my health. Even now after diagnosis the doctors at the hospital were still frowning when I said I really needed to lose weight. It's clear I am fat, just not to them.

The fact that you are not at a similar weight (according to you) is strange to me. Not sure if you live in skinny chick country, but where I'm at the average young girl is quite... chunky. I imagine it to be far worse in the USA or UK, since we aren't quite there yet. It sounds like body dysmorphia if you feel you are so out of place around that weight. The problem with this is there is nothing that can be said because you cannot determine what would be a healthy but skinny attractive weight. I could say do this or that to lose weight... but how would you not starve yourself to death, correct ways of losing weight just allow someone with anorexia to kill themselves more efficiently since it gets rid of the defense mechanisms against starvation.

If you don't want to eat all day then don't. I don't eat all day, it's how I prefer it. It's perfectly healthy, but you need to have a set time to start eating, and a set amount of calories to eat. If you have a history of anorexia this is even more important, to always count calories and to adhere to them. How many calories are you eating? If you can't answer this then how do you know you aren't relapsing? So you need to start counting them.

Once you are eating in a predictable pattern with predictable portions (Not cake one day and a pizza the next) you might be able to look at losing weight, I would certainly involve someone else so they can "check" if you aren't doing anything crazy. I can give you a perfect way to lose weight but who's to say you are not a perfectly healthy girl right now and will lose too much fat due to being unable to determine at what point you are killing yourself.

 

[Streetwise]

Thanks for the help and support, everyone. I've been doing well so far today. 3 meals (mostly consisting of pbjs) some fruit and veggies. I'm not hungry, and I'm not experiencing any big urges to binge eat, so I think I'm on the right track.

By the way, do you think it is common for autistic people to eat the same thing over and over again? I always eat at least one peanut butter and jelly sandwich every day, sometimes up to three a day. I never get tired of them, and they are always filling.

I don't think it's just autism I think it's probably if you have a problem with your metabolism peanut butter and conserves what you call jelly or high energy foods which is probably why you want them very regularly as you use a lot of energy just watch the ones that have a lot of sugar in them to get a lot of energy have more bananas and tomatoes also spinach,green beans ,potatoes,dates( they also in consequence have a lot of tryptophan which will make you feel calmer )