Trouble integrating different parts of life.

[On the Inside]

One thing that I've been aware of most of my life is an inability to integrate different areas of my life. This is more than just finding a balance between work/family/friends/personal interests, though I have challenges with that also. Most of my friendships have come out of involvement in my interests, which are wide a varied. But I've noticed that friends from one area don't seem to mesh well with my friends from another. This is also true with people from different times in my life.

I feel like I am the lynch pin between these groups, or the host at the party if you will, and each different group is off in corners talking about the other group. I'm not someone who can diplomatically bring diverse people together.

This has been a problem for me in my relationship with my partner. Spending time with my old friends, of which there are few, always seem to cause some kind of difficulty with my partner.

There have been only two people in my life that I really wasn't able to get along with, but in the end it didn't really matter, it was easy to move on. I don't understand why some people have a hard time getting along with others, why there can be negativity between people, and how people can hold on to that negativity so long.

 

[Slithytoves]

Difficulty reconciling disparate groups of people from different aspects and periods of your life is perhaps more common than you think, and for the record, I know just as many NTs who struggle with this as I do autistics (in case you think your ASD is at the root of the problem).

We change so much over time and there are so many different sides to us that I think it stands to reason that those we choose to populate our lives, at different times and for different reasons, don't necessarily mesh well. If you think about it, you might not have welcomed many of them into your world at all had they come in on different schedules and from different angles. Few if any of them know you in your entirety. So in terms of any overlap between them, of course you are the lynchpin. What those people/groups have in common is you, but not even the same parts of you. If they all got along famously, I'd actually have to wonder about your depth as a person.

So as someone who isn't a born diplomat, what do you do about it? Honestly, enjoy them separately for who they are to you and leave it at that, making it clear that any whispers about one group by another make your life unpleasant and aren't appreciated. You aren't responsible to build bridges between your affiliations, actually. You can no sooner be expected to make diverse people find common ground/understanding than to make oil mix with water.

As far as your partner goes, the two of you have enough problems between you that she understandably may not feel much motivation to make nice with friends of yours she wouldn't have chosen as her own. That said, you have a right to a satisfying social life and your own choice of contacts, just like she does. Partnership doesn't entail sharing everything; there has to be some respect for the social needs and choices of the individual.

If your trouble is dealing with the clashes, my best advice is to accept that you can't control other people's thoughts, feelings or actions and practice not letting it bother you till it takes. Yeah I know. Easier said than done.

About your bewilderment over people's incompatibility and negativity, I would say you're a pretty rare bird in your ability to get along, and if not, to walk away easily. Most people are much more socially insecure. Differences of style or opinion with others are ultimately taken as personal criticisms, inducing negative feelings about the self as much as the other. If you don't feel you have a skilled role to play in healing divides, the best course is to ignore them and keep on keepin' on as you are. Negativity is highly contagious.

I heard a great saying: "Don't take poison hoping someone else will die." Alas, many of us do it over and over again.

I re-read this and feel it's less than helpful. Anyway, I wish you well with your dilemma.

 

[garnetflower13]

I didn't seriously date when my daughter was a child, because I was afraid of hooking up with someone who wouldn't get along with my child. I have introduced two friends to each other, had them bond and then go off and do things together, leaving me out of it. I had to drop a friendship with a female friend when I met my husband to be, because she seemed to have a problem with me spending time with him and then talking about it with her. I honestly don't think I can juggle more than one person in my life at a time.

 

[On the Inside]

Difficulty reconciling disparate groups of people from different aspects and periods of your life is perhaps more common than you think, and for the record, I know just as many NTs who struggle with this as I do autistics (in case you think your ASD is at the root of the problem).

Thanks for that, I guess that I've become isolated enough socially in the past 15 years that I don't really talk to anyone about these kind of things, so I'm not aware of how common this thing might be. I didn't think that it had anything to do with ASD.

As far as your partner goes, the two of you have enough problems between you that she understandably may not feel much motivation to make nice with friends of yours she wouldn't have chosen as her own. That said, you have a right to a satisfying social life and your own choice of contacts, just like she does. Partnership doesn't entail sharing everything; there has to be some respect for the social needs and choices of the individual.

All true. But this issue pre-dates our major difficulties. Part of it is that I can get a little carried away with certain people, we riff off each other pretty well and I think she feels left out.

About your bewilderment over people's incompatibility and negativity, I would say you're a pretty rare bird in your ability to get along, and if not, to walk away easily. Most people are much more socially insecure. Differences of style or opinion with others are ultimately taken as personal criticisms, inducing negative feelings about the self as much as the other. If you don't feel you have a skilled role to play in healing divides, the best course is to ignore them and keep on keepin' on as you are. Negativity is highly contagious.

It's funny to hear it put that way, that I'm not as socially insecure as most. I'm pretty insecure in a lot of ways, and have never been comfortable in social situations. However, I can take it or leave it, so something that might get someone's goat doesn't have much effect on me. And I've known some pretty annoying people.

Your response was very helpful, I just needed some perspective, because I've had some recent incidences of negativity and triangulation with some old friends.

 

[On the Inside]

I didn't seriously date when my daughter was a child, because I was afraid of hooking up with someone who wouldn't get along with my child. I have introduced two friends to each other, had them bond and then go off and do things together, leaving me out of it. I had to drop a friendship with a female friend when I met my husband to be, because she seemed to have a problem with me spending time with him and then talking about it with her. I honestly don't think I can juggle more than one person in my life at a time.

That is the kind of difficulty I'm talking about. Having to evaluate and weigh your relationship with one person against another. I've only recently had to choose one person over another, drop a friendship, actually more than one. I admire your resolve and protecting your daughter, it's what you have to do. That is one person who outweighs anyone else.

 

[Suzanne]

I didn't seriously date when my daughter was a child, because I was afraid of hooking up with someone who wouldn't get along with my child. I have introduced two friends to each other, had them bond and then go off and do things together, leaving me out of it. I had to drop a friendship with a female friend when I met my husband to be, because she seemed to have a problem with me spending time with him and then talking about it with her. I honestly don't think I can juggle more than one person in my life at a time.

Yes, this is ME too. I find it bewildering and terribly distracting, when there are more than one person in my life. My husband will complain that I am giving out too much energy to a female friend ( honestly, have very few) and forsaking him! But thankfully my one real friend ( she knows me inside out and is still there and an aspie) says: go on, Suzanne, enjoy spending time with that hubby of yours etc etc.

 

[On the Inside]

I think I just need to re-align with my live and let live mentality. I'll find an understanding and supportive friend sometime, until then, there's AC. Thanks.

 

[Slithytoves]

All true. But this issue pre-dates our major difficulties. Part of it is that I can get a little carried away with certain people, we riff off each other pretty well and I think she feels left out.

I used to feel that way when my partners were having a great time with their friends. I would see my guys in rare form, so obviously having a good time, and I was jealous that I didn't have the same effect on them. Then I grew up a little and realized that I'm the person they saw the most, so of course life wouldn't be a constant laugh riot. I learned to be happy to see my partners enjoying a boost from pals they didn't get to see every day. I started having fun just watching them have fun.

An aside, I've also been victim of a common partner gripe: "You treat everybody with more courtesy than me". It's true, people tend to be more polite when they see others they don't have such a close, daily relationship with. But I now see that it doesn't mean I'm not respected. Maybe taken a bit for granted, but that inevitably happens when two people are together every day. It's normal.

It's funny to hear it put that way, that I'm not as socially insecure as most. I'm pretty insecure in a lot of ways, and have never been comfortable in social situations. However, I can take it or leave it, so something that might get someone's goat doesn't have much effect on me.

I had a feeling you were going to find that ironic. It's true, though. I think our ASDs have protective value against certain insecurities, even as they exacerbate others. Many of us seem to be more able to step back and be relatively neutral for our strong reliance on cognition and dislike of conflict, and find it easier to make a clean break when needed. Then there's all of the other social stuff that leaves us wide-eyed and shaking inside....

About your response to garnetflower about weighing relationships against each other, I usually refuse to choose between people. The way I see it, problems between other people in my life aren't my problem. If it bothers somebody that I'm close to somebody else, I tell them that unless there's been an extreme violation of some sort, I don't take sides. It's my right not to. And anyone who gives me an ultimatum is automatically out. I'm sorry you've had to choose between friends, ever. Especially since good ones are so hard to find. It's really not fair that those choices are forced on you.

I'm glad my post helped a little. I get the sense that your situation is pretty complicated.

Edit: Typo

 

[On the Inside]

Yes, my situation is complicated. Too much thinking and not enough action.

I once untactfully mentioned to my partner that she was jealous, that didn't go over well.

I am also painfully polite, especially with people I don't know well, or feel have more importance or status than I. Of course, as I get more familiar, that can drop away, and that is especially true with intimate relationships. I did take my partner for granted, I did that with my ex as well. But I think Aspieness makes that look worse than it is to others.

I agree that however it happens, ASD does come with a built in bulkhead to a lot of interpersonal dramas. Even with my partner, if she's having trouble with someone right in front of me (she is a strong willed person, which I admire, she doesn't back down), I'm thinking "Not my monkey, not my circus". That has been interpreted as not being on her side in a few instances. That has probably happened in a lot of my friendships as well, appearing to not have someone's back. But I really have a hard time seeing how conflict and drama develop, either because I don't fully understand it, or I naturally disassociate from it. Probably both. Before I know what is happening, the water is on the boil.

 

[garnetflower13]

Even with my partner, if she's having trouble with someone right in front of me (she is a strong willed person, which I admire, she doesn't back down), I'm thinking "Not my monkey, not my circus". That has been interpreted as not being on her side in a few instances. That has probably happened in a lot of my friendships as well, appearing to not have someone's back. But I really have a hard time seeing how conflict and drama develop, either because I don't fully understand it, or I naturally disassociate from it. Probably both. Before I know what is happening, the water is on the boil.

This! I remember being friends with two tenants in my apartment building, several years ago. They developed a conflict about something, and immediately started trying to get me to take sides. I told them both that I liked them and had found them to be very helpful when I had first moved in, and I didn't want to take sides against either of them. They became very unhappy with me. I have never understood why it is that when two people are having a conflict that they try to draw people into choosing sides. I so much agree with that quotation "Not my monkey not my circus!"

 

[Datura]

"Not my monkey not my circus!"

I am confused. What does this saying mean?

As for the topic at hand: I find that integrating different social groups can be challenging. Whereas you may have copacetic relationships with a variety of people this is no garentee that said people will get along. I usually only get together with one, or a small group of friends at a time anyway. Sometimes I will have a party, which I find stressful because I am not sure how people will interact or if they will have a good time. Perhaps this is silly as worrying about having fun kind of defeats the point. In my experience parties are a catalyst for all kinds of social exchanges, some positive and some negative. Rarely does a party transpire without some sort of drama, unfortunately, but if the good outweighs the bad I suppose my utilitarian ethics are satisfied.

 

[garnetflower13]

I am confused. What does this saying mean?

As for the topic at hand: I find that integrating different social groups can be challenging. Whereas you may have copacetic relationships with a variety of people this is no garentee that said people will get along. I usually only get together with one, or a small group of friends at a time anyway. Sometimes I will have a party, which I find stressful because I am not sure how people will interact or if they will have a good time. Perhaps this is silly as worrying about having fun kind of defeats the point. In my experience parties are a catalyst for all kinds of social exchanges, some positive and some negative. Rarely does a party transpire without some sort of drama, unfortunately, but if the good outweighs the bad I suppose my utilitarian ethics are satisfied.

I believe it's an old Polish idiom. It means that the situation at hand is someone else's drama or problem.