Triggers for Anger???

[sisselcakes]

Hi Everyone.

Haven't been on here in a while. Hope all are well!

I was hoping you could enlighten me on something. Are there specific triggers that make you anger quickly? Are there triggers that are common amongst people on the spectrum?

I ask because my bf has a short fuse which I suspect is somewhat related to his aspie traits. He's becoming more open about himself, but he has a hard time answering open-ended questions. Plus, I think at 52 years old, he's just starting to learn about himself, so doesn't always know how to answer my questions.

Hunger seems to be a big one (I think this is true of NT's too). One other he told me is getting lost. We were in Mexico with a rental car and couldn't find our way back to the agency. He became so irritable, cursing and getting agitated. He later told me he gets extremely stressed when he gets lost. Could that be due to feeling overwhelmed when someone unexpected happens?

Another trigger seems to be traffic in general (if he's driving). Any idea what it is about driving that would trigger serious irritability? I know other drivers can be irritating to anyone, but he takes it to another level. He seems to be hypersensitive to annoyances on the road.

I'd like to have more insight into this so I can understand and possibly anticipate these events. The tension it creates causes me severe anxiety, even when I try to look at it from an intellectual point of view. In general I'm super sensitive to people when they are angry. I can't seem to disconnect from it.

As always, i appreciate you sharing your experiences.

 

[rubicks52]

For me, traffic can be seriously overwhelming. I think it's somewhat based on predictability - if I'm driving on the highway with no traffic, it's fairly easy to keep up with everything that's going on. But if I'm on a road with lots of lights and cars and pedestrians, there are so many more elements to keep track of. I can't tell you how many times I'm started crying because of everything that's going on. I definitely get irritable while driving and have a tendency to yell at the other cars. Basically, I think the more elements that are in play while driving, the more stressed I get, and traffic is one of those elements.

 

[Pats]

Anything that messes up one's routine is a big one for me. Even if I'm doing nothing but working puzzles, if someone imposes on me to have to do something NOW I seethe inside.

 

[Creep]

Hunger, fatigue, & road rage aren’t exclusive triggers to one subsection of humans.

For me, noise is a trigger that may perhaps be related to being neurodiverse, although I have no official diagnosis to substantiate that claim.

You cannot control other people or events, so it may be more helpful for you to take a closer look at your sensitivity to anger & your inability to disconnect from the anger of others.

Anxiety management is also a worthwhile goal, speaking from personal experience.

Good luck.

 

[Gracey]

Next time you're aware of this anger beginning and you're certain it's anger and not frustration,

Ask him !
(closed questions)

"Are you starting to feel frustrated?"
"would you like me to drive?"
"can I do anything to help?"

Listen to his answers. Believe him.
Don't 'peck his head' about how short or sharp he may be answering.
(not in that moment anyway )

let him get a handle on things first.

Quietly calm and willing to assist is helpful.

Pointing out mistakes, bluntness, talking about your own feelings and raising pitch and volume of voice wont be helpful in that moment.

you can let him know you don't appreciate being spoken to like that afterwards.

concerning roads and getting lost -
just a guess,

Operating vehicles on roads have rules applicable to all.

and

if the map or gps/sat nav states a certain road is in a certain place, then it should be.

 

[An Arctic fox]

My triggers for anger are people using words that mean something that is a big issue in a percentage of people's lives (mental health and pyshical health and others I think but mostly those to). People being mean for no reason upsets me, people being ignorant, people making the world worse, etc

 

[Running Girl]

One of the areas I've made the LEAST progress in is anger management. Causes me a lot of grief, a lot of consequences. So yeah, getting lost is a huge trigger. Traffic too, but only if time/being late is an issue (it usually is, and i usually am!, but time management is another thread altogether). One of my anger triggers is when people arent doing their jobs properly. I'm terrible when i have to talk to customer service anywhere about anything. But then, if i spent time on it and resolve it, only to find out at a later date it wasnt resolved at all, well I pitty whoever gets to deal with me on the phone. What i think the real underlying cause of my anger is, is zero frustration tolerance. Im pissed off so fast, i dont know what hit me. It just IS.
Now, My husband (also on the spectrum) gets mad at inanimate objects more than at people. If he trips over a shoe, he curses at it, throws it, and might give a loud treatise on why shoes are useless and should be banned.

 

[tducey]

When something doesn't go right for me or I make a mistake.

 

[BraidedPony]

Things that help me when I'm driving in traffic...
Close the windows
Turn off the radio
Talk or sing to my dog

 

[All-Rounder]

I'm guessing stimuli input are crazy and anxiety rises, he's got to be on edge from all that stuff!

My bf cannot handle driving even though he has done it before, he has quit it. He's great at teaching it.

Also when ppl dont respect rules it might irritate him more. Is there a way for you to drive?

 

[Aspychata]

I get upset with unwanted male attention, l would never be involved with someone from a job. l don't mind driving, but l am disappointed that l seem to drive to work with people who seem to drive in packs, and drive very slow. lol

 

[Mia]

Hunger seems to be a big one (I think this is true of NT's too). One other he told me is getting lost. We were in Mexico with a rental car and couldn't find our way back to the agency. He became so irritable, cursing and getting agitated. He later told me he gets extremely stressed when he gets lost. Could that be due to feeling overwhelmed when someone unexpected happens?

Absolutely true, the hunger aspect might be adding to the loss of temper as often it's related to blood sugar levels and exacerbates feelings of frustration and fatigue.

Both I and my husband tend towards being anxious when driving, and tempers do occasionally flare. Any arguments we have, are usually in the car. It is for both of us a high stress environment.

The becoming lost, is a frustration, that adds to it all. Making us think we have made a mistake, something that is somehow connected to our self esteem levels. As if we are supposed to be superhuman, and not make errors.

That's likely why we plan out everything in our world, so that nothing untoward happens. But when it does, we become angry for not planning for or imagining a scenario that could take place. Human frailty and venerability are to be subsumed (for some) as they make people look weak, better to be angry or frustrated and not show anything else.

 

[SusanLR]

Personal insults and being accused of things I didn't do.
Verbal attacks will anger me quicker than anything.

I don't get angry at traffic or what others do when driving.
I obey the laws and what others do, even if it seems silly, doesn't create feelings of anger. I just ignore it.

 

[Progster]

A lot of my triggers are things that 99% of the human population also finds triggering, things like traffic irritation or frustration, things dropping and breaking, being verbally abused or falsely accused, etc.
My biggest one is last minute changes in plan or routine, or people making light and bantering a situation or topic that I'm being serious about.

 

[Progster]

Another trigger is people bossing me about... I really hate that, I don't deal well with authority figures. Or people trying to take over what I'm doing, that's not helping, it's dominating/interfering.

 

[An Arctic fox]

Another trigger is people bossing me about... I really hate that, I don't deal well with authority figures. Or people trying to take over what I'm doing, that's not helping, it's dominating/interfering.

Yeah I do that to and it makes me really uncomfortable and tense (which leads to anger because I need to get out of the situation)

 

[Bolletje]

For me, it can be unexpected events, but it’s almost always people questioning my decisions, people calling me a liar, being talked over, people being late for appointments, being disrespected or being discriminated against.

 

[sisselcakes]

For me, traffic can be seriously overwhelming. I think it's somewhat based on predictability - if I'm driving on the highway with no traffic, it's fairly easy to keep up with everything that's going on. But if I'm on a road with lots of lights and cars and pedestrians, there are so many more elements to keep track of. I can't tell you how many times I'm started crying because of everything that's going on. I definitely get irritable while driving and have a tendency to yell at the other cars. Basically, I think the more elements that are in play while driving, the more stressed I get, and traffic is one of those elements.

When you mention all of the lights, pedestrians, etc, it makes a lot of sense. I hadn’t been thinking of the complexity of traffic before. I was just imagining roads and cars. Thanks for a different perspective. I think I get it. I will still ask my bf about his experience. Should be enlightening.

 

[sisselcakes]

Anything that messes up one's routine is a big one for me. Even if I'm doing nothing but working puzzles, if someone imposes on me to have to do something NOW I seethe inside.

Ha ha. That fits with someone who is routine-oriented. I’m an NT and not particularly routine-driven but I’m an auditor and when I get interrupted while doing them, I get so agitated so I think I can understand the frustration

 

[sisselcakes]

Hunger, fatigue, & road rage aren’t exclusive triggers to one subsection of humans.

For me, noise is a trigger that may perhaps be related to being neurodiverse, although I have no official diagnosis to substantiate that claim.

You cannot control other people or events, so it may be more helpful for you to take a closer look at your sensitivity to anger & your inability to disconnect from the anger of others.

Anxiety management is also a worthwhile goal, speaking from personal experience.

Good luck.

Yeah, you are right that those three - hunger, fatigue, and traffic - can grate on anyone’s nerves. They affect me too. I’m thinking it may not be the triggers per se. It’s probably more a person’s ability to tolerate them.

I’ve started going back to therapist. I plan to talk to him about my sensitivity to anger. Not sure if it’s bc I’m highly empathetic so I feel super sensitive to the intensity of others’ emotions. I feel threatened by anger. Causes me really high anxiety.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Helpful.