Touch...

[Sherlock77]

Talking with a friend over coffee on the weekend, I think I realized something...

Some may know that I've been "dating" a lady for almost 10 months now, and so far all we do is do stuff together, as much as once a week, nothing wrong with that I guess...

Now to the topic of touch, I have struggled with touching anyone my whole life, whether men or women, I see guys who so easily interact with other women, both in conversation but especially in touch, with touch I mean even non-sexual touching, just fooling around as friend to friend...

With my "girlfriend" over all these months I struggle with touch, the notion of when to start holding hands among other things or snuggling on a couch/sofa, I've thought about but haven't gotten there yet, and I know touch is a way to get better intimacy... The one standard touch thing is a hug whenever I drop her off after an outing, and even hugging doesn't come naturally to me...

My struggle, how to touch anyone (appropriately of course), maybe some of your struggles, and I want to find a way to get over it somehow...

 

[Mia]

Find it difficult myself, when my then boyfriend and I were first together. It was almost like an electric shock when he touched my hand, shoulder, back. It was startling, and it took some time to adjust to it, almost as if I was hyper-aware that it could happen at any time, which in itself seemed to put me on guard. The more I did it, the easier it became over time. The less startled I was when it happened.
Still startled when strangers touch me though, bump into me, brush by me.

 

[Sherlock77]

Find it difficult myself, when my then boyfriend and I were first together. It was almost like an electric shock when he touched my hand, shoulder, back. It was startling, and it took some time to adjust to it, almost as if I was hyper-aware that it could happen at any time, which in itself seemed to put me on guard. The more I did it, the easier it became over time. The less startled I was when it happened.
Still startled when strangers touch me though, bump into me, brush by me.

My struggle is that as the guy in the relationship I feel like I need to instigate most things, and I feel inadequate or unable... See the first post...

 

[Mia]

My struggle is that as the guy in the relationship I feel like I need to instigate most things, and I feel inadequate or unable... See the first post...

It's probably not necessary for you to do so. Although you might begin by holding her hand if it's slippery or some such thing and becoming familiar with it that way. It doesn't have to be initiated by you, it's often the female who indicates that it's permissible by touching you. Then you could respond if you wish to, doing it more often.

 

[Suzanne]

It is certainly easier for us ladies.

Have you told your girlfriend that you have aspergers? And does she know what it is? Would she be willing to look it up, in order to better understand you?

Being the female is easy in this respect, because I always waited for the guy to take the inititive. I would never assume that he liked me enough to hold my hand or hug or kiss me.

If I were not married and dating, I would be very open about having aspergers, because it is nothing to be ashamed of and it helps the relationship to either grown or fade.

 

[SusanLR]

Being a girl, I always felt it was the man's place to instigate a touch.
I've never been one to spontaneously hug, shake hands, or take to those "atta boy" pats on the back.
Just eye contact is hard enough.

I currently have a friendly relationship with a male aspie though and I know we both connect and talk so easily together. It just seems natural. We have common special interest subjects.

It was months though before either of us could really express our feelings. He suddenly gave me a big hug and said I was the most wonderful person in the world to him.
It felt good.
When we exchanged gifts at Christmas he was so taken by what I gave him, he gave another big hug and a kiss not quite on the lips, telling me how the gift fit his collection so perfectly and how did I know it was something he wanted, I just blurted out, "I love you.
I really do!"
Can't believe I said that, but, it was just there.
One of those moments not even thinking about it.

So maybe, when the time is right, it will just happen for you.

 

[Sherlock77]

It is certainly easier for us ladies.

Have you told your girlfriend that you have aspergers? And does she know what it is? Would she be willing to look it up, in order to better understand you?

Being the female is easy in this respect, because I always waited for the guy to take the inititive. I would never assume that he liked me enough to hold my hand or hug or kiss me.

If I were not married and dating, I would be very open about having aspergers, because it is nothing to be ashamed of and it helps the relationship to either grown or fade.

She knows, she knew right from the beginning of the relationship, and does have an understanding of Asperger's... Would say more, heading to work in five minutes...

 

[Suzanne]

She knows, she knew right from the beginning of the relationship, and does have an understanding of Asperger's... Would say more, heading to work in five minutes...

Sometimes understanding does not mean that she will appreciate the finer points, unless what she is doing, is thinking it is too soon to suggest you hold her hand?

 

[Gritches]

The risk is far too high for me to attempt social touching. Some people can practically manhandle someone else with social touches, but I find the risk of the other person being some version of scared is too high. By that same token, can't really learn it through trial-and-error either.

As far as being touched, I used to have a strong defensive reaction to it. Now I just keep a careful eye and watch for it coming so I can brace myself by reminding myself this person isn't trying to hurt me.

 

[Suzanne]

The risk is far too high for me to attempt social touching. Some people can practically manhandle someone else with social touches, but I find the risk of the other person being some version of scared is too high. By that same token, can't really learn it through trial-and-error either.

As far as being touched, I used to have a strong defensive reaction to it. Now I just keep a careful eye and watch for it coming so I can brace myself by reminding myself this person isn't trying to hurt me.

If she is not an SJW, then she will feel all cosy and romantic if you ask her: would you mind if I hold your hand?

 

[Sherlock77]

Thanks for the comments and thoughts, I will try to work on it, slowly and surely...

 

[Bella Pines]

I never really solved it. Before I knew I had aspergers, I put it down to the personal space issue that all British people seem to have. But now I realize that touch is just something that I'm not comfortable with. I forced myself to get into patterns of patting people on the back but it's so awkward and forced! I thought I had it nailed but then a while back, someone said to me that when I do it, they feel that I should say "good boy" and throw a bone. So much for my 'acting NT' skills.

I am able to hold my children's hands, that's fine because I see a purpose to it. I would be equally happy putting a leash on them, but I believe that is frowned upon. It's always been awkward with my husband but he knows who and what I am and so we work around it. I still freeze up and give very rigid hugs. He still says I seem to be going through the motions and waiting until it is over.

 

[Progster]

I never really solved it. Before I knew I had aspergers, I put it down to the personal space issue that all British people seem to have. But now I realize that touch is just something that I'm not comfortable with. I forced myself to get into patterns of patting people on the back but it's so awkward and forced! I thought I had it nailed but then a while back, someone said to me that when I do it, they feel that I should say "good boy" and throw a bone. So much for my 'acting NT' skills.

I am able to hold my children's hands, that's fine because I see a purpose to it. I would be equally happy putting a leash on them, but I believe that is frowned upon. It's always been awkward with my husband but he knows who and what I am and so we work around it. I still freeze up and give very rigid hugs. He still says I seem to be going through the motions and waiting until it is over.

I can relate to this post, though I never do this social touching, I've never felt comfortable with it and I don't know how or when I should do it. Mostly, I don't need to and don't want to.

Touching has always been an issue for me in any context.

 

[Sherlock77]

I never really solved it. Before I knew I had aspergers, I put it down to the personal space issue that all British people seem to have. But now I realize that touch is just something that I'm not comfortable with. I forced myself to get into patterns of patting people on the back but it's so awkward and forced! I thought I had it nailed but then a while back, someone said to me that when I do it, they feel that I should say "good boy" and throw a bone. So much for my 'acting NT' skills.

I am able to hold my children's hands, that's fine because I see a purpose to it. I would be equally happy putting a leash on them, but I believe that is frowned upon. It's always been awkward with my husband but he knows who and what I am and so we work around it. I still freeze up and give very rigid hugs. He still says I seem to be going through the motions and waiting until it is over.

That sounds almost exactly like me! Maybe I just need to be more open about my tendencies with her, but I have trouble even thinking about how to bring up the subject...

 

[Pariah Dog]

My struggle is that as the guy in the relationship I feel like I need to instigate most things, and I feel inadequate or unable... See the first post...

I feel the struggle, and recognize that IT IS the duty of the man to instigate such things. Not necessarily just physically but being able to demonstrate yourself as being a leader. I know this from research and from a little experimentation. My aspie condition leaves me with a below average comprehension of one on one social interaction, but I would say I notice some kind of positive reaction when I make an effort to show leadership, virtually every time. A woman's hard wired biology is receptive from that. This can be as simple as you plan out a date, where and when it is going to be (asking her if that's ok), and showing yourself to be decisive. The reaction you get will pretty much always be positive. How positive? How far do you get? It's hard to say, reading that much into it is rather beyond my ability. I'd reckon it would vary a good deal from one woman to the next as well. Women are biologically programmed to be attracted to a man who is well suited to be a provider/protector for her and future offspring. A man who is meek and indecisive does not fit that mold. Having a woman who is understanding and considerate of aspergers would be a great advantage.

I also struggle with the touch aspect. I never really know when it is appropriate or welcome and never really feels like a normal thing to do. I feel like a man blind folded at a rifle range. I can aim the gun down range but not exactly see what I'm shooting for or if I had hit it after the shot. I am sort of dating a lady right now. We have been on 3 dates and to the best of my knowledge I think there is going to be a number. On date #3 I just got to holding her hand, as we walked a distance back to our cars. That sounds kind of lame. To my credit she is quite a slow mover type and hesitant as well, and one with old fashion values. She is not aware I'm aspie and I don't really see the point in telling her any time soon. I've over come so much of it (or learned to fake normal till it became normal) that no one ever suspects me anyway. Part of me wonders if I have moved to slowly that she is going to drift away. I think I have enough age and wisdom now to realize "whatever will be will be." If it doesn't work out, well the world will still be turning.

 

[Sherlock77]

I feel the struggle, and recognize that IT IS the duty of the man to instigate such things. Not necessarily just physically but being able to demonstrate yourself as being a leader. I know this from research and from a little experimentation. My aspie condition leaves me with a below average comprehension of one on one social interaction, but I would say I notice some kind of positive reaction when I make an effort to show leadership, virtually every time. A woman's hard wired biology is receptive from that. This can be as simple as you plan out a date, where and when it is going to be (asking her if that's ok), and showing yourself to be decisive. The reaction you get will pretty much always be positive. How positive? How far do you get? It's hard to say, reading that much into it is rather beyond my ability. I'd reckon it would vary a good deal from one woman to the next as well. Women are biologically programmed to be attracted to a man who is well suited to be a provider/protector for her and future offspring. A man who is meek and indecisive does not fit that mold. Having a woman who is understanding and considerate of aspergers would be a great advantage.

I also struggle with the touch aspect. I never really know when it is appropriate or welcome and never really feels like a normal thing to do. I feel like a man blind folded at a rifle range. I can aim the gun down range but not exactly see what I'm shooting for or if I had hit it after the shot. I am sort of dating a lady right now. We have been on 3 dates and to the best of my knowledge I think there is going to be a number. On date #3 I just got to holding her hand, as we walked a distance back to our cars. That sounds kind of lame. To my credit she is quite a slow mover type and hesitant as well, and one with old fashion values. She is not aware I'm aspie and I don't really see the point in telling her any time soon. I've over come so much of it (or learned to fake normal till it became normal) that no one ever suspects me anyway. Part of me wonders if I have moved to slowly that she is going to drift away. I think I have enough age and wisdom now to realize "whatever will be will be." If it doesn't work out, well the world will still be turning.

Thanks... Some good insights... I believe me being an Aspie has come up (even early on) because she is bi-polar and has her own struggles, maybe that makes us a good match for each other, certainly an interesting match for each other...

 

[PATILYN]

Was uncertain where to put this issue of touch ... I have experienced this lack of touch from a friend of mine. He too would shudder from time to time when he was touched suddenly by me. He is very slow to touch me and it's not romantic when he does (lol) ... although he tolerates my touch ... but seems to not like hand holding for any length of time ... wears gloves all the time to do any kind of chore etc. So I have discovered that our physical times come through casual connections, i.e. play ... we kid around, we play hand games with our fingers, we sit close, legs touching, if I want him to put his arm around me, I pick it up and put it there and he leaves it there until he's had enough .. and that's okay ... I'll put my feet on his chair while he is sitting down, or park myself on the arm of his chair ... all of which he tolerates completely. If I want to take his arm while walking ... I take it. He leaves it there ...until I don't need it anymore ... (lol). We have never formally discussed any of this ... it just evolved.

I am wondering, if in this case, it is safe to assume, that given his acceptance of this level of touch this is a safe introduction and prelude to other forms of intimacy. We hug nice and tight, and we kiss each other very briefly on the mouth when we depart ... I'd like a little more kissing ... don't know if that will come or not ...and I am trying to think of how to suggest it or get there?

I have tried not to take his lack of reciprocation personally ... that is does not reflect on his love for me ... at least I am trusting that this is the case?

 

[Pariah Dog]

Was uncertain where to put this issue of touch ... I have experienced this lack of touch from a friend of mine. He too would shudder from time to time when he was touched suddenly by me. He is very slow to touch me and it's not romantic when he does (lol) ... although he tolerates my touch ... but seems to not like hand holding for any length of time ... wears gloves all the time to do any kind of chore etc. So I have discovered that our physical times come through casual connections, i.e. play ... we kid around, we play hand games with our fingers, we sit close, legs touching, if I want him to put his arm around me, I pick it up and put it there and he leaves it there until he's had enough .. and that's okay ... I'll put my feet on his chair while he is sitting down, or park myself on the arm of his chair ... all of which he tolerates completely. If I want to take his arm while walking ... I take it. He leaves it there ...until I don't need it anymore ... (lol). We have never formally discussed any of this ... it just evolved.

I am wondering, if in this case, it is safe to assume, that given his acceptance of this level of touch this is a safe introduction and prelude to other forms of intimacy. We hug nice and tight, and we kiss each other very briefly on the mouth when we depart ... I'd like a little more kissing ... don't know if that will come or not ...and I am trying to think of how to suggest it or get there?

I have tried not to take his lack of reciprocation personally ... that is does not reflect on his love for me ... at least I am trusting that this is the case?

It sounds like you have an aspie on your hands haha. It seems like he is lucky to have someone that understands. I don't see why you couldn't try something more.

It reminds me of something else I wanted to add to this thread. I would imagine that with NTs, knowing when to touch and do physical things is something that is instinct driven, naturally programmed. For myself and I would imagine others among us, making a move to do anything physical, even as basic as holding hands, just feels like a calculated action. I wonder if an NT woman would detect the move as being calculated and be turned away.

So many aspects of life most people seem to take for granted. So many parts of it I don't fit into...

 

[PATILYN]

For myself and I would imagine others among us, making a move to do anything physical, even as basic as holding hands, just feels like a calculated action. I wonder if an NT woman would detect the move as being calculated and be turned away.

So, I can tell you with absolute certainty that if I love you, and I understand the obstacles, then you can pre-calculate how you will act all you like ... when he first kissed me goodbye ... I felt completely that he had THOUGHT about it ... and decided he would do it ... it completely lacked any zeal or passion, he just sort of planted a kiss on my mouth ... and maybe another NT woman might just think ... "blah, there was a dry sister kiss" ... however, I was delighted! If you chose to kiss me, hug me, hold me, tolerate doing what I want, try to accommodate me etc., then that screams loyalty and love to me from the roof tops. BUT, and I think this is the key to your question about NT women ... does she understand the situation ... and can she see it with the right lens. I make the choice to see his the behavior the way I do. I have to trust what is going on, blindly ... the same way a bird sings before the morning comes. Do I wish sometimes that he was more lover-like and less like a sweet, darling friend ... sure ... Do I daily hope with my whole heart that I am not wrong ... and that he thinks of me like I do of him ... absolutely ... Would I like to not have to work so hard ... sure ... but love is an action word ... isn't it?