Touch starved with touch aversion?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

So im pretty upset at the moment so this post might be a little hard to follow.

I am asexual with a history of abuse. I do not enjoy sex, I hate it, borderline disgusts me. I am also descovering myself to have touch aversion. Like touching accedently while sitting next to soneone im mostly ok, but hugging in general or cuddling from anyone including my husband is getting increasingly irritating. We almost never touch now.

That being said he is very physical. I personally think he has a sex dependency. Hes always grabbing for me, when were in bed he drapes his arms and legs over me "cuddling" and "just holding" me but it makes me feel trapped for one, and second it irritates me to the point of anger or anxiety. He feels like I dont love him anymore and actually accused me of "youre only here because you have no where to go and youre just using me til you find something better."

But then some days I come hone from work and I WANT to be held. I want to lay my head in his lap and have him pet my hair or rub my back. (I'm hesetant to be physical because I dont want him trying to turn it sexual.) I REALLY want to be held. I crave it. I do. But when i want to be held I'm scared to ask because he always tries to push it further or takes it as an invitation.

He doesnt understand. We had a huge fight this morning about "you dont want to be touch but you want to be touched!" And stuff like that.

I'm just now descovering the possibility of autism, and I feel it matches my quirks pretty well. But I dont know how to explain them to someone who thinks my anxiety is made up. Like I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses and lying when I explain it to him. But I just know he wont understand... And I'm so upset and I feel like he doesnt try to understand.

Please help me find a good way to explain to him... Im not sure I understand myself how I can be touch starved and have aversion to touch at the same time....

I think trauma can make it worse
I literally still hate sex to this day I think it is weird and messy but I still always would like to experience it.
But the thought of it actually in the flesh scares me the pants me because seeing a naked man feels so weird.
Buy also like hugs can be hard especially sharing a bed, I think a trauma hates bring touched especially by someone they love I know I revile that especially in true love
I just do not want to be possessed by someone or feel like they have ownership over me
And I definitely like the thought of intimacy but just do not know how to kiss like what if I close my eyes and hit the chin or off the lips or bump noses
Or clash teeth
Do it is weird I think going a few dates is nice then they try to kiss you and you turn your head
Why..idk..I guess if you like someone you will not but it is hard to get familiar with someone
And like sexual feelings are weird too and idk dating is hard
But to go a year or something without physical intimacy and then you could know them enough to marry them seems like a short time and how do you love someone you have never been intimate with I'm not sure...
Maybe it is possible but just talking for an autistic is very verbal and may not allow for close connection