Too much time in NT world, makes me feel alien, despite!

[garnetflower13]

We sometimes feel like we just have to say things, because..... it's like when a picture hangings on a wall just a bit crooked, and we HAVE to straighten it. So we blurt it out! GAAHH!

That reminds me of the time I was a guest at someone's home for Thanksgiving dinner, and the lady hosting it was serving herself from a bowl. She was unaware that her sleeve had just dragged through a dish of gravy, so I told her! She did not look too pleased, and I realized that I had just embarrassed her in front of all her guests.

 

[tachyon]

I wish that I were a rookie. HST was president when I was born.

I had to google HST, but yes I was also born while he was president.

And yes - I still make a few rookie errors too

 

[EdR]

I had to google HST, but yes I was also born while he was president.

And yes - I still make a few rookie errors too

Those rookie errors on my ledger probably have been as harmful to me as those made when I failed to energize "shields up".

 

[pax]

I think there is a big difference between honesty and gossip. Gossip often has very little to do withfact.

 

[Karin]

My husband told me that he had something to share, but he wasn't sure if he should, because I have this awful tendency of telling the person. I must add: not a tale tale person. Things that are relatively innocent, but my husband prefers me to not say.

Hmm, who has the problem keeping their mouth shut here... Can't help wondering why your husband had to share this thing, knowing it would be hard for you to keep quiet. If people really want information kept quiet, they should probably start with themselves

 

[Suzanne]

Hmm, who has the problem keeping their mouth shut here... Can't help wondering why your husband had to share this thing, knowing it would be hard for you to keep quiet. If people really want information kept quiet, they should probably start with themselves

I think he lives on hope that I won't repeat and that is why he shared it with me and of course, he was itching to say, because when he did, it was amazing what he revealed. But yes, I had a very similar point and especially when he says: if you keep telling people, they won't trust you! I mean: like you say, he doesn't have to tell me, but there you go!!!

Anyway, as hard as it is and was, the one who revealed this information, I saw but did not breath a word, despite lol dying to mention something ie the honesty aspect, not the gossip part.

 

[Slithytoves]

I admit that I do like gossip and it would be VERY easy to repeat, but thankfully, I do recognise the fine line between nasty and not nasty. I see that if it BENEFITS the person, then I will say, but if it is only to cause pain, I won't, but of course, the need to say, is still burning away.

I find the idea that passing on anything but first-person information will possibly "benefit" anyone to be questionable. If nothing else, gossip tends to undermine the bearer's trustworthiness. I also firmly believe it's very seldom up to us to be the arbiter of "benefit" to anyone but ourselves. One we have passed on gossip, there's no telling what the direct and latent effects will be on either the end user or the person from whom we first heard the information. Not only that, but the reality is that we almost never know the full story behind the thought or situation for which we're playing middle-man to be a truly useful or accurate messenger. With information comes responsibility; often more than most of us are genuinely willing to accept.

With all this in mind, I have developed a series of tests to determine what I should or should not pass on. If you enjoy gossip and have a tough time refraining from sharing it, maybe this little list of questions to ask yourself before entering the chain will help you rein in your tendencies.

1. Why was I likely told about this?
2. If the information did not originate with the person who told me about it, how reliable is this second-hand source?
3. How old is this information, and are the feelings or situation behind it subject to change, possibly even before I even pass it on?
4. What does this information have to do with me, and should I reasonably have a role in this? ("Who the heck do I think I am, here?")
5. Objectively, why do I really feel the urge to get involved in the chain?
6. If this information affected me directly, as it will the end user, what else might I want to know about it that I can't explain or verify when I pass it along?
7. What is the temperament of the person with whom this information originated, and of the person I want to tell about this? Am I 100% confident in how the person I want to tell will feel/respond?
8. What are the possible consequences of sharing this; to me, to the person who told me and to the person or people I feel compelled to tell? Can I realistically anticipate all of the possibilities?
9. Are any one of the aforementioned consequences potentially more harmful than letting the information stop with me?
10. Am I honestly prepared to be fully responsible for anything that comes of my disclosure? What might that look like?

so far, my husband is not aware that some one who he sees as a friend ( another chap) considers my husband treats me a bit like a slave. It SHOCKED me when I was told ( by a female nt).
But a couple of times, it has been on the tip on my tongue to blurt out what was said, but I think: bad idea Suzanne, because it will not solve anything and best for your husband to be in ignorance here, otherwise, it would be a disaster!

I'm glad you see the wisdom in not sharing this information "so far". Maybe this will help you decide to make it a permanent resolution. Telling your husband that someone else feels you are treated like a slave to justify your own point of view is a logical fallacy known by many names. The (deeply) flawed argument is that if more than one person thinks something, it is necessarily true or more true, and it's a device that is incredibly common considering it usually fails pretty miserably. If your husband doesn't feel he mistreats you, telling him that his friend (!) said this will only piss him off at his friend and you. No more than that. As you said, it won't solve anything. More importantly than that, it would cause new trouble.

This bandwagon-type argument could only ever get traction if this guy said his piece to your husband directly. And in reality, saying "So-and-so says that you..." instead of simply saying that you think he treats you like a slave only makes you look like someone who isn't strong enough to believe her own convictions stand as accurate on their own. The result: To him, you seem more worthy of his mistreatment than ever.

 

[Suzanne]

I find the idea that passing on anything but first-person information will possibly "benefit" anyone to be questionable. If nothing else, gossip tends to undermine the bearer's trustworthiness. I also firmly believe it's very seldom up to us to be the arbiter of "benefit" to anyone but ourselves. One we have passed on gossip, there's no telling what the direct and latent effects will be on either the end user or the person from whom we first heard the information. Not only that, but the reality is that we almost never know the full story behind the thought or situation for which we're playing middle-man to be a truly useful or accurate messenger. With information comes responsibility; often more than most of us are genuinely willing to accept.

With all this in mind, I have developed a series of tests to determine what I should or should not pass on. If you enjoy gossip and have a tough time refraining from sharing it, maybe this little list of questions to ask yourself before entering the chain will help you rein in your tendencies.

1. Why was I likely told about this?
2. If the information did not originate with the person who told me about it, how reliable is this second-hand source?
3. How old is this information, and are the feelings or situation behind it subject to change, possibly even before I even pass it on?
4. What does this information have to do with me, and should I reasonably have a role in this? ("Who the heck do I think I am, here?")
5. Objectively, why do I really feel the urge to get involved in the chain?
6. If this information affected me directly, as it will the end user, what else might I want to know about it that I can't explain or verify when I pass it along?
7. What is the temperament of the person with whom this information originated, and of the person I want to tell about this? Am I 100% confident in how the person I want to tell will feel/respond?
8. What are the possible consequences of sharing this; to me, to the person who told me and to the person or people I feel compelled to tell? Can I realistically anticipate all of the possibilities?
9. Are any one of the aforementioned consequences potentially more harmful than letting the information stop with me?
10. Am I honestly prepared to be fully responsible for anything that comes of my disclosure? What might that look like?




I'm glad you see the wisdom in not sharing this information "so far". Maybe this will help you decide to make it a permanent resolution. Telling your husband that someone else feels you are treated like a slave to justify your own point of view is a logical fallacy known by many names. The (deeply) flawed argument is that if more than one person thinks something, it is necessarily true or more true, and it's a device that is incredibly common considering it usually fails pretty miserably. If your husband doesn't feel he mistreats you, telling him that his friend (!) said this will only piss him off at his friend and you. No more than that. As you said, it won't solve anything. More importantly than that, it would cause new trouble.

This bandwagon-type argument could only ever get traction if this guy said his piece to your husband directly. And in reality, saying "So-and-so says that you..." instead of simply saying that you think he treats you like a slave only makes you look like someone who isn't strong enough to believe her own convictions stand as accurate on their own. The result: To him, you seem more worthy of his mistreatment than ever.

I am actually not guilty of repeating gossip when it is cruel. What I mean is that when one is not sure if it is gossip or more to the point, not believing it is gossip and thus, saying: oh my husband said you like to stay at home. Something like that and when I tell my husband, he will say: why the heck did you say that? Now that person thinks we gossip about them! Trouble is, I can hardly take it back and so, try to learn from that.

In the past, I have blurted out things and it has not gone well with me and thus, this time, I am determined to not utter a single hint. As it happens, my husband is a typical man who goes out to earn the money, but lack the appreciation for what he wife does back home and takes advantage of his working, when he is off work, for what ever reason and still expects me to cook and clean, with his excuse that he has to tend to the garden ( which I hasten to add, he CHOOSES to have a garden and knows well, it is not my forte.

It shocked me what I was told about this other guy ie that he talks about me ( she was quick to reassure me that it is all positive though), but still rather daunting that I am topic of conversation, which is silly, since of course one is bound to be once and a while. I had no idea that the times this guy has been in our home, that he considered my husband treats me as a slave. I do stand up occasionally and tell him that I could swear he married me for love, not to be his slave and say: you know where the kitchen is, why not get yourself something to eat or drink? I usually then get: I am too lazy or you do it so much better lol