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Told Boyfriend - But He Hasn't Said Anything Since

A

anxiety247

Active Member
Awhile ago I finally told my longterm boyfriend that I am really sure I have aspergers. His response "No you don't, why would you think that" and I was upset at the time and only said that it's because I experience every symptom.

It was difficult for me to even bring it up that first time, and I've been expecting him to say something about it since then but he hasn't. I don't even know what to say to him to bring it up again.

I'm afraid he isn't taking it seriously. He's more skeptical about this kind of stuff, and has made fun of other people on the spectrum. I think that maybe the reason would be he can't believe that I do, because then his idea of Aspergers wasn't at all what he had thought it was.

I haven't told anyone else, but I feel like I should because I want people to understand my behavior sometimes is out of my control. I also say things sometimes without meaning to and I'm afraid people take it the wrong way, then never talk to me again. Eventually I just close up completely and don't talk at all, because then I wouldn't say something by accident that I didn't actually mean.

I can't get a real diagnosis unless I told my parents, because I am uncomfortable going there by myself. I'm also afraid that I'll experience what others experience, doctors who don't know or understand either enough to help me and say that I don't have it.

I am 99.9% sure I am Aspie or something that is related to all of these symptoms. There is nothing else to it. The symptoms are there and they are uncomfortable, I just don't see how others can't see it and see that I am struggling.
 
anxiety247 said:
I'm also afraid that I'll experience what others experience, doctors who don't know or understand either enough to help me and say that I don't have it.
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This is why there are Doctors who specialize in Autism. If you don't want a similar experience to others with crap doctors because they didn't specialize in Autism, find someone who does.
 
Ignore (or break up with) your boyfriend, tell your parents if you feel that would help, and go get diagnosed. Go ahead and worry you won't like the doctors but don't let that stop you from doing it.
 
First from what you wrote in your post. If he is making fun of other people who has autism or aspergers which is high functing autism. Then his response to you is not really suprising. It is unfortunate though it sounds like you wanted his support. As for seeing a doctor for an official diagnosis. Take the chance. I have aspergers or high functing autism officially diagnosed.
 
Fino said:
Ignore (or break up with) your boyfriend, tell your parents if you feel that would help, and go get diagnosed. Go ahead and worry you won't like the doctors but don't let that stop you from doing it.
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We are 10+ years together, it's not just a matter of ignoring or breaking up with him. Also, I live with him and see him every day.

I'm actually afraid that the more I bring up this stuff, the more likely he is fed up with it all and breaks up with me. But in reality he usually ends up being more understanding about some things that I thought, it just depends.

I guess really this post is to vent but also to hear others opinions about whether it's okay that I'm uncomfortable by his touching. I guess with peer pressure from everyone and all I've been made to feel that if I'm in a relationship, I should be doing these things and making sure he's happy but how can I when I'm sensitive to these things? I'm not like other people and I feel pressured to be.

Basically it's not that I DON'T want to do things with him. It's that he has to go about it a different way that takes my sensitivities into consideration, otherwise I am just very uncomfortable and that builds up until I start hating being touched in any way. It might just be me but I'm afraid that people may think I've controlling in this situation, since I don't want him to touch/act certain ways toward me but deep down I feel like that isn't wrong for me to want him to change because I NEED him to or else I'm going to continue not wanting to be touched.
 
Are you talking about involving your parents because you think they need to contribute to the process of your diagnosis? If so, I don't think that's necessary, you can just say what you recall from childhood that's relevant. Parents could be told at a later date and when the diagnosis is given, if it is.

As you sound quite functional with a good job, you could also consider how diagnosis will be of use or benefit? Workplaces seldom understand this area and it may not be good to share this at work. But if it's a help to you personally, going ahead seems a good thing to do. Can you find some useful stuff for your boyfriend to read maybe?
 
Anyone who thinks autism is a fair target for ridicule is a pretty unpleasant human being, at least in that respect. Perhaps, rather than make fun of autistic people, he should reflect on the likelihood that his girlfriend may be one and have a long hard think about his ablist prejudice.
 
All is not lost. I did pretty much the same thing, with my husband and he reacted pretty much the same way, although he does not mock ones.

The best thing to do, is get a formal diagnosis. My husband is a lot better since I got my diagnosis as nt's thrive on those kind of things.
 
anxiety247 said:
I'm afraid he isn't taking it seriously. He's more skeptical about this kind of stuff, and has made fun of other people on the spectrum.
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Anyone who makes fun of an autistic person is not nice, period.

anxiety247 said:
We are 10+ years together, it's not just a matter of ignoring or breaking up with him. Also, I live with him and see him every day.
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Simplistically speaking, it is just a matter of breaking up with him, should you wish to do so. Living with someone who makes fun of others must be extremely challenging. Challenging as in not punching him in the face when he engages in his 'making fun' :mad:

anxiety247 said:
I'm actually afraid that the more I bring up this stuff, the more likely he is fed up with it all and breaks up with me.
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If he breaks up with you because you believe you're on the spectrum, is he really someone you want to be with? Diagnosis or not, you're still the same person.

anxiety247 said:
I guess really this post is to vent but also to hear others opinions about whether it's okay that I'm uncomfortable by his touching. I guess with peer pressure from everyone and all I've been made to feel that if I'm in a relationship, I should be doing these things and making sure he's happy but how can I when I'm sensitive to these things? I'm not like other people and I feel pressured to be.
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Your role in the relationship is not solely about making someone else happy. It's about balance, both being happy and if you're uncomfortable by his touching, you should both be exploring reasons for this and working on a way forward, not taking the blame.
 
I think it's a case of that he's severely misinformed on what autism means and how it can look in different people. "High Functioning" ASD has been misunderstood in females until relatively recently and many people still hold on to versions of autism that are outdated and based on observation of adolescent boys. Even I was the same until 1-2 years ago. I had a set idea of what it was and to be honest, it was wrong. We all exhibit symptoms differently and in varying degrees. There is a case for gentle education of your boyfriend, but not pushy. Try to find examples of things you find difficult that he has observed too.

I think my partner had a hard time coming around to the idea too, but it took a medical professional to give an official diagnosis for him to accept it (I went to the doctor by myself and my partner was there with me to give the doctor information toward the diagnosis). He never talks about it or mentions it (I don't think he really likes the idea that there's something "wrong" with me), but accepts without question when I say something is difficult for me (usually social interactions of all types). I also have crippling anxiety, so he knows not to stress me out. We work around the ASD thing by focusing on the anxiety, that seems to work for us.
 
Some people, who haven't had any or much contact with people on the spectrum, have very stereotypical, or media-fuelled ideas of what a person on the spectrum should look like. But we are not all Sheldon Cooper or Rain Man. Perhaps, if you gave him a list of female symptoms, he might be more open to the idea. If he has the wrong idea of what autism actually means, then he might recognise these traits in you and come to accept it or take it seriously at least.

Sometimes people think that by telling you no, you don't have these symptoms, that they are helping or reassuring you, not realising how invalidating it can be.
 
Autistamatic said:
Anyone who thinks autism is a fair target for ridicule is a pretty unpleasant human being, at least in that respect. Perhaps, rather than make fun of autistic people, he should reflect on the likelihood that his girlfriend may be one and have a long hard think about his ablist prejudice.
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He doesn't mock autism in general, he is usually a nice guy. But for example, he will make fun of people who like a certain thing because of the autism, like the character sonic or older people who like "childish" things like my little pony or something. He says it's really cringey and that it's autism.

I'm not into those, so I agree that he just doesn't understand autism and that people can still have autism without liking those things for example. I get really obsessed about other stuff like music and specific bands though to the point that it gets on people's nerves but I can't help it.

I do want to say again that he is usually a nice guy. I've been focusing a lot on the bad side here in this thread but he does so much for me, especially helping me when my social anxiety keeps me from doing things and he understands that. He does go out of his way to do a lot for me with that and other things.

I can make long lists for both good and bad, but I think the reason we've stayed together is because there is more good.

He also gets annoyed about how picky I am with foods. Like I won't eat something if a certain food is touching it and it drives him crazy. But he doesn't know that's an aspergers thing and maybe he would understand better if he knew. Also with eating the same thing every day.
 
Your boyfriend isnt worth a moment of your time.
You are only 26....there are so many nice men out in the world that would treat you so much better than this loser you are with.
He is a jerk, believe me, i know jerks and you will never be happy and healthy while in a relationship with him.
Period.
 
People can learn new things, but they have to want to. Communication, real listening and sharing is the key to most everything in relationships. It doesn't solve things, it is just the key to making improvements. Without it you are just living on borrowed time and it will likely crumble eventually. That is something I think you can and should insist on with a partner, that is establishing a regular communication system. I can't tell you how to do it, just something mutually agreed upon. As an example me and my spouse did Saturday morning breakfast out as our time to bring up and discuss issues/things on our mind. It doesn't fix things magically. It just sets the stage on which things can be worked out.
 
Obviously your boyfriend is not grasping how important it is to you that he understand some very fundamental stuff about you and your experience.

Which in some ways is understandable, as along with seemingly being badly informed about autism in general (as frankly most people are) it's just not his experience.

If the relationship matters to you I guess you're going to have to really sit him down and impress this on him. And I understand how that may not be easy at all. But at least give him that chance. If he can't manage to take it on board after a certain point maybe you will have to make a decision.
 
You got some great advice from people. It sounds like a diagnosis woudl really help you. Find someone who specialises in autism or aspergers. It's true you don't HAVE to have your parents (or others who know you well) there but it could be helpful IF they have a good memory and understanding of who you are and what you've been through. If not then they will hinder. I had to go without because I have one vague parent and one...well, the other was just not helpful parent for diagnosis purposes. (Edit - I see now you wanted the support of someone while getting diagnosed. I can understand that)

Also, not believing a person could be on the spectrum is really common. I have a child on the spectrum whose father (and all that side of the family) still don't 'believe' after a decade. It's weird but you can't force people to think a certain way.

Frankly from some of what you wrote you're boyfriend's behaviour isn't sounding too sweet. But that is something you'll have to think about. Or not.
 
anxiety247 said:
I'm uncomfortable by his touching
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I think you'll find others here who are sensitive about touching as well.

Progster said:
we are not all Sheldon Cooper or Rain Man
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Phew! :p

Progster said:
Sometimes people think that by telling you no, you don't have these symptoms, that they are helping or reassuring you, not realising how invalidating it can be.
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Actually that is a great point and helps me to reframe some of the boyfriends behaviour as described by the poster.
 
You all have given me good advice.

I will definitely try to get a diagnosis but it may take time for me to get to that point. Going to take it one step at a time.

I will try bringing it up to my boyfriend again, and also try to discuss my limitations with things and go from there based on how he responds.

The reason I need one person’s support is because I have extremely bad social anxiety and dont want to go to get a diagnosis alone just because I dont like going anywhere by myself, and not that I think its needed to have someone there, it just makes me more comfortable having someone with me.

I also dont drive, so I would need help from someone with that anyway. I work from home.

It has been really helpful discussing it here. Thanks for all the great advice!
 
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