Today I Lost a Friend

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I feel very sad. After much deliberation I finally ended what has sadly become a toxic friendship. My friend is, I suspect, an Aspie. He isn't interested in learning anything about AS or how it affects his life in ways he never even imagined. He has great difficulty with friendships and intimate relationships and they are supposedly very important to him. He has been placing me under continuing pressure to talk to him more. But when we get together he will put the tv on loud volume, or he will become fixated with his phone and reading Facebook, so he isn't really paying attention to what I say. We only end up arguing about my narrow area of interest so that topic is off limits. He doesn't talk to me much either and when he does it is often to repeat something he has already told me before, sometimes several times. I've tried explaining sensory overload and how I'm tired after a day at work so that affects my ability to converse. He doesn't understand that because he has suffered from depression and chronic pain for years. These things force him to withdraw from society before the sensory overload gets to him. Back when he was working, some of his jobs involved long hours of not having to interact with other people and it seems he cannot remember experiencing it in his distant past. I've explained that the environment with the tv and phone is not conducive to good communication and I cannot shut out the background noise so that I can focus on a conversation. He does nothing to help the situation. I've explained that I enjoy his company even when we're not talking. His mother talks all the time and needs to fill in all the silence. It annoys him because she talks about all sorts of stuff that he isn't interested in. Yet he seems to want that from me, which I do not understand at all. It has become so bad that I am very stressed when we meet, which makes it even harder for me to talk. I have come to dread our meetings. I feel so totally inadequate and he is making no effort to be supportive. What hurts even more is that I learned I have AS when I bought some books about depression to be able to understand him better and be more supportive of him. I didn't want to end our friendship because I do like him, but the pain of not having him in my life is better than the stress associated with being with him.

 

[Sylar]

Sorry to read that but it was probably the best choice.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Thank you for the messages of support. He contacted me yesterday and started by saying he couldn't see why our friendship has to end. We started discussing an ongoing problem and it became apparent that he was lying to me and twisting things to suit his own agenda. When I pointed out the inconsistency in his story (and he is blaming me 100% for the misunderstanding) he turned very nasty. I've never seen this side of him before. And he wonders why I am stressed out with the communication problems between us! I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for months but it is now clear that he has been lying and deliberately being difficult with communication.

Then i learned that he has been harboring a low opinion of me for a while. Somehow he has imagined I've done something to him with the intention of being nasty and he has felt the need for revenge. If he would get his head out of the sand and learn something about AS, he would hopefully understand that his thought processes are screwed up and that he should talk to me about it rather than assume the worst, especially when it is so out of character for me to behave like that.

I was incredibly hurt to learn that. If he had said yesterday that he will address his problems i would have given him another chance. But knowing that he thinks horrible thoughts about me and feels the need to get revenge has just confirmed that I made the right decision. He didn't consider me a friend, but rather someone to use.

 

[Ste11aeres]

As everyone else said, it does sound like you made the right decision. Really sad that he's been "harboring a low opinion" of you.

 

[Sparticus]

Sad to read this. I just read your 2nd post. Total bummer...I remember one woman-C, we met online & I thought we were close after many years. When my long term female friend & I broke up [again] I met C. We hiked together, ate meals, watched TV, went thru crises together [people died on me & when she was depressed I'd let her vent & hug her for hours as she cried] helped each other & I hired her when she needed a job. Eventually our relationship got closer. But I found out later she used me. It really hurt...and hurt more that she didn't care the friendship had ended.

Ocassionally I'll think about her and wish we were platonic friends. Once a year or so after we stopped talking I called her up with really good news. She was cold...

I've explained that the environment with the tv and phone is not conducive to good communication and I cannot shut out the background noise so that I can focus on a conversation. He does nothing to help the situation. I've explained that I enjoy his company even when we're not talking...

he is making no effort to be supportive. What hurts even more is that I learned I have AS when I bought some books about depression to be able to understand him better and be more supportive of him.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

The concept of using people is a foreign one for me. I don't ask for help when I probably should, just because I don't want to give the impression that I'm using someone. I cannot tolerate people who use others.

My blood pressure has been borderline high for a while, around 140/80-85. My GP wants me to monitor it, which I do weekly. Today it was 130/76. Coincidence?

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Hi CL. Sorry to hear that you lost someone you thought was a friend. I also think you are better off in the long run as everyone else has already has said on this thread. You deserve so much better than someone who uses people like that. It's just not fair that he lied to you and deceived you into thinking that he thought of you as a friend. That's not something real friends do.

I hope things get better for you and that you find a truly wonderful friend who will be with you forever and ever.

 

[paloftoon]

I know how you feel Cyanide! I had another aspie who had similar interests to me one day just decide to ask me why I was trying to ask about her. She was telling me how I was trying to hang out with her to "take her away from another friend of hers" whom I'm no longer friends with "another friend". That "Another friend" happens to be an aspie too. Sometimes people make up excuses so that they can get their way, but they "don't want to hurt your feelings" aspie or not.

Cyanide, in your situation, if you do decide to pursue the friendship again and to get your friend to look into AS, I would suggest inviting him to something more interactive like conferences and clubs. Books may make it seem like you're trying to say that there's something wrong with the person to the point where that person feels dehumanized. And whenever you invite your friend or whomever to something, maybe just say it's a topic of interest to you and hopefully your friend too, rather than that so and so is probably AS. Most people including me don't like to be told they have something because we know that most people will assume that there's something mentally really wrong with a person rather than that we are different individuals who deserve to be respected just as well as anybody else.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Most people including me don't like to be told they have something because we know that most people will assume that there's something mentally really wrong with a person rather than that we are different individuals who deserve to be respected just as well as anybody else.

He has already been diagnosed with depression several years ago. He's self-diagnosed OCD and can recognise that because it runs in his family.

 

[paloftoon]

Regardless of the diagnosis or how it was obtained, that person and whom that person interacts with all deserve respect!

 

[paloftoon]

Sad to read this. I just read your 2nd post. Total bummer...I remember one woman-C, we met online & I thought we were close after many years. When my long term female friend & I broke up [again] I met C. We hiked together, ate meals, watched TV, went thru crises together [people died on me & when she was depressed I'd let her vent & hug her for hours as she cried] helped each other & I hired her when she needed a job. Eventually our relationship got closer. But I found out later she used me. It really hurt...and hurt more that she didn't care the friendship had ended.

Ocassionally I'll think about her and wish we were platonic friends. Once a year or so after we stopped talking I called her up with really good news. She was cold...

Sparticus, do you think she had a crush on you? And maybe because you didn't have the same interest in her, that could've caused the disconnect?

 

[lostinspace]

If he had said yesterday that he will address his problems i would have given him another chance.

If I had been your friend, that is exactly what I would have done. You would have seen noticable improvement. He doesn't sound like he wants you to be a friend, just someone to use.

 

[asnlifecoach]

You now have the freedom to fill your time with people that will help you better yourself. You made a good choice. Focus your energies on the positive!