Tips for when I have to say "hi" and "bye" to everyone at parties

[pelecanus87]

The greeting- I just want to get it out of the way as soon as possible, but I just can't drum up the expected enthusiasm ("so excited to see you!") to do it properly. I just plain don't want to go around and have that upbeat conversation that you're supposed to have when greeting someone. I can't fake it. And I hate being the center of attention and it's so overwhelming.

Saying goodbye- I loathe this even more. I've lingered at parties far longer than I wanted to just because I am waiting for the opportune time to leave with as little fanfare as possible. It's like you have to have something ready to say to "leave on a good note" with everyone you talked to that night. Sometimes, a particular person is buried deep within a room in a crowd of people. That's the worst. Then it's like you have to go up to them and now you have an audience for your "goodbye". And are the other people in that room expecting you to say bye to them, too? It's just the worst.

I'm trying to develop strategies, here and elsewhere, that are a good match for my demeanor and personality. Because I believe sometimes you have to admit that you are incapable of mimicking the "normal" thing to do. But it's also hard to try and do something your own way when you're kind of terrible socially. Any advice would be good.

 

[Mia]

Don't know where you are in the world, greetings and traditions vary from place to place. Usual or proper etiquette is to say hello to the person or persons that invited you. 'Nice to see you', or something of that nature, friendly and then you can say something that you know about the person who invited you, or ask after their girlfriend, boyfriend, children, parents. Then move around to see what's going on at the party.

Leaving, say goodbye to the people you know or met there (Nice to meet you, bye) and the person who invited you, (Thanks for having me, bye or goodnight). It doesn't have to be any more than that. You can shake hands with people you know as well, if you don't mind doing that, and at the same time say goodbye.

 

[OkRad]

God this stresses me out. You are not alone! It has caused me to even stop going certain places. A library i went to is set up so you have to go past front desk to get to bathroom. Constant stress of what to say bcause they know me.

Then if no one greeted me when i first came in, i felt terible. So i would just try not to talk to not get confused. Then they would tell me to smile or, just when i thought they got to that dislike me phase, they would be nice.

THEN the goodbyes ...rehearsed for hours in my head, making it hard to study or read.

And i always blew the Bye. I might wanted to say See you later or something nice but always a squeeked out Byeeere

 

[Sherlock77]

I've never thought much about this, what do most people do? I don't know...

Just tonight I was at a music jam, at arrival I just made a simple greeting...

Sometimes I will just leave from gatherings without saying a word (is that impolite? usually I don't feel the need)... Tonight I talked briefly to two people as I left, the two most important people, some of the organizers, then just simply left...

 

[Fitzo]

I don't seem to have as much difficulty with the goodbyes as an adult (sometimes I just disappear) but..............when I was a kid and my parents had parties I used to agonise for about an hour trying to drum up the strength to just say goodnight when it was time to go to bed. I used to tell myself it was just because I was shy, but now I realise it was because I was Aspie. Is that a good realisation?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I don't seem to have as much difficulty with the goodbyes as an adult (sometimes I just disappear) but..............when I was a kid and my parents had parties I used to agonise for about an hour trying to drum up the strength to just say goodnight when it was time to go to bed. I used to tell myself it was just because I was shy, but now I realise it was because I was Aspie. Is that a good realisation?

Something i watched recently. When you disappear at parties ....

It's called the irish goodbye.

No idea why

 

[Fitzo]

Something i watched recently. When you disappear at parties ....

It's called the irish goodbye.

No idea why

Good to know

 

[xudo]

Something i watched recently. When you disappear at parties ....

It's called the irish goodbye.

No idea why

It's because people assume someone Irish would be too drunk to say their goodbyes properly. It's also known as 'the French exit' or 'ghosting'.

I looked for a good description/explanation, but mostly got Urban Dictionary which is hit or miss as users add their interpretations. I did find this though: Don’t Say Goodbye When You Leave a Party. Just Ghost.

 

[OkRad]

I wonder if this is harder for one gender over the other? Women having to avoid The Resting ***** Face when men dont even think about it. Not many women would get away w Mitch McConnell's hideous scowl.

So to NOT say bye for a female is like END OF SOCIAL WORLD. With a guy, it is just hmmmmmm

 

[Fitzo]

I wonder if this is harder for one gender over the other? Women having to avoid The Resting ***** Face when men dont even think about it. Not many women would get away w Mitch McConnell's hideous scowl.

So to NOT say bye for a female is like END OF SOCIAL WORLD. With a guy, it is just hmmmmmm

Omg.......now I know why I have no friends!

 

[Bella Pines]

It's a pain in the butt isn't it. I hate parties, I hate pubs, I hate bars and mostly I hate people. Going to parties or drinks always makes me feel like I'm filming a Richard Attenborough documentary, you know when he narrates over a heard of wilderbeast. "and here we are in a watering hole as the males gather in groups..."

So strategies are great and I'm making notes from this thread! My list so far is:

The greeting

• Keep it simple. When I try and go down the "so excited to see you" route it comes across a little bit psychotic, like I'm saying "so excited to eat you". People look scared. Maybe I show too many teeth, I don't know. So I just keep it simple, smile (not too wide) and just say 'hi'.
• Give yourself a purpose. Find a reason. If there is someone there you are interested in or someone from work and you need them to be co-operative then manoeuvre yourself to their group.
• Arrive late but not too late. Arrive about 30-45 min after the event has started. This gives enough time for people to establish their groups, so that you can select the most useful group to join.
• Nodding dog for 15 minutes. When you arrive, the best opener is to stand with a drink in your hand and smile and nod.

Then put up with about 1 hour of abject misery and boredom...

Saying goodbye-

• Don't be afraid to slip away. If you think about the permutations, every single person in the room saying goodbye to every other person, it is logistically improbable. Also, does every single person say goodbye to you? So make a plausible excuse to your immediate group and leave.
• Note the people who notice. If the host or some NT that pays attention makes a comment like "oh you slipped away quietly" or "you didn't say goodbye". Then make a note and single the person out for next time. This will be about 1 in 50, the other 49 don't care when you go.
• Observe the socially acceptable excuses. People will say things like "well my wife must be wondering where I am" or "well early start tomorrow". Note down the ones that are met with accepting looks and use them.
• Time it. If you arrive late and leave early, most functions last between 3-5 hours, you can actually get in to an average of 1-2 hours with practice, and then if you aim to attend 1 in 4 social events this can translate into a manageable statistic.

Because I believe sometimes you have to admit that you are incapable of mimicking the "normal" thing to do. But it's also hard to try and do something your own way when you're kind of terrible socially. Any advice would be good.

It boils down to "what is normal"? If by normal you mean dead from the neck upwards and incapable of independent thought, then I guess we mimic normal by simply being asleep. If by normal you mean that NTs accept you and allow you to co-exist in their world, then this is achievable. Dull, but achievable and occasionally and unfortunately necessary.

And think of it this way, you are already far more successful at mimicking NT behavior, than an NT would be at an aspie party!!