Time to Be Adult

[IntoTheVoid]

Do you live on your own? If you still live with your parents then it's pretty easy to make a case that you're still a child. I don't think the things you mentioned are unavoidable, and I think if you did do them you wouldn't have to learn as much detail as you think. You think that highly of the general population that they're all studying these things like you described?

Well I am not sure if "studying", but some people just understand it somehow?
For example my sister. She is not scared to deal with people. She actually rents her house. She understand naturally all the contracts and all these things. She can sorta read law language. She is not introverts, nor afraid of conflicts. She can argue with people and win.

And there are people who for example understand laws regarding to cars. Like "OMG I am fined because of speeding... Just found a ticket. I know my rights... I take my lawyer and let's war begin!" and they know how they should speak with cops, bureucrats, courts and so on. They can actually win and make the penalty invalid.
I would just pay it right away, because any government things... not my cup of tea. I just don't understand these things.
I am good at different things, like coding and such.

 

[Misery]

Adulting is the dumbest thing society expects of us. Like there’s some sort of virtue in ‘growing up’.

Yep. And the really stupid thing is, you can outright see how unhappy so many of them are. But they do it anyway. That herd mentality kicks in... gotta just follow what everyone else is doing. And that's not maturity to me... to me, maturity is the ability to think for yourself, and to BE yourself. If I wanna do something like collect plush dolls or something "childish" like that, then I'm bloody well going to do it. I'm a freaking adult and can make my own decisions, and if someone else doesnt like it, that's THEIR problem. THAT is maturity, in my eyes. Instead of doing things you obviously dont really like just because you think that others might say mean things.

In all my adult years I’ve met maybe a handful of other adults that actually do fun things

And this one is particularly telling.

I can say the same thing. IRL, I dont actually know anyone that likes doing things that arent freakishly boring. I've noticed that most so-called adults do exactly two things: 1. Sit blankly in front of a TV, and 2. whine about politics (which is often what they're watching on TV). These things are usually accompanied by alcohol, which seems to be a requirement for anything to be even remotely enjoyable by them. I cant remember the last time I met an "adult" who did anything INTERESTING (outside of events, that is). This applies to family members too. They are usually boring. I make a point of informing them of this fact frequently. Yes, I can be like that, I wont apologize.

This is pretty much THE reason why, when asked what it's like to be on the spectrum, I usually tell people "Well, it feels like I dodged a bullet, or a hail of gunfire". Because I think of "normal" adults, and realize with a shudder that I could have ended up like them. What an awful thought.

Now, that's not to say that ALL neurotypical adults are like that. At anime/gaming conventions, there are tons of enthusiastic geeks. And getting into my board gaming hobby, I've learned just how many people are into that (hint: alot). BUT. During normal day to day stuff... they will hide these facts from others, because it's "not adult stuff". Which is probably why I dont personally know anyone like that.

Yet, even still, the amount of super boring adults very much outweighs the amount of interesting (even if hidden) ones.


I mean, really. Just so much boring.

Everyone else just whining about politics and trying to act oh-so-normal, and here I am doing powerslides with my socks through the kitchen. Which sounds more fun to you?

 

[WoodWorkingJoel]

I don't think any of those 3 examples are indications of being an adult.
Making mature decisions such as not buying a car if you don't need or can afford if is an adult decision.
Doing these things because people tell you to is the act of a child.
Make your own choices based on your needs and wants.

 

[SusanLR]

Studying to be an adult is not going to make you want to be what people call adult if you don't feel
the want for it.

I could study all day on how to be a parent, but, I don't want to be a parent.
Or I could study how to live alone or Marriage and Romance 101, but, it won't make me desire it.

Happiness only comes from following what YOU want from life.
I lived my life with my parents. Never had the desire for these other things.
I learned to drive, I had employment I wanted, I have three college degrees.
We all contributed towards household income and were always helping each other.
It was a family.
So what if it wasn't with some friend or romance partner?
So what that I didn't want kids?
There are no set rules for what you have to do when you reach a certain biological age.

Yep. And the really stupid thing is, you can outright see how unhappy so many of them are. But they do it anyway. That herd mentality kicks in... gotta just follow what everyone else is doing.

Yeh, I once ask someone who was complaining about how awful her marriage was and why she
got a divorce what made her want to marry to start with?
Her answer? Because everyone else was doing it at that age and the idea of a pretty wedding and all.
Oh. I said that's why people do the things they do?

 

[Rasputin]

I live with my parents

Well my parents don't want me to move. I mean it looks like the case when parents want me to move, so they don't say it directly, so they say these things around.

My parents kinda need me, because they are totally lost with technology for example. So I handle televisions, routers, computers, all that stuff. My mum needs something from me every minute. I help with many things.

The problem is I have lots of animals.

My mum want me to take a loan and buy house, in case they die (my parents, not the animals) so I have a place to move. The house I live in would be divided among my all siblings. And during the time I could rent the house to some people.
I don't feel like I want to do any of these, but the argument with death is sorta rational and makes sense.

What if you purchased a house with a loan, and rented it to cover loan payments while you stay with your parents? After your parents die stop rentimg your house and move in. Then sell their home.

 

[Ezra]

An adult is someone who lives life the way they want to. Needing to be more adult would apply to things like acting too immature or not being as independent as one can be. It has nothing to do with acquisitions. It sounds like the reason why you don't have a car etc is because you're simply not interested in those things, not because you need to "grow up".

 

[Aspychata]

I had to leave my house in my last year of high school and work as a nanny for a wealthy family. All l can say is that, they divorced during the time l was with them. So, so much for adulting. I did finish high school and left for Europe for a year. Was this a responsible thing to do? No, probably not. But l treasure those abroad memories. At some point, l decided l wanted to live in Hawaii. Was it an adult thing to do. No, probably not, but l absolutely loved living there. Got married on the beach there. So l feel you need to make your path and do what makes you happy, because being a slave to wealthy corporate interests is pretty much your other option. So live a little before you put your slave collar around your neck and report for your deadend job. Or start your own company.

 

[Progster]

People may give you advice on various 'adulting' matters where appropiate, but they don't have the right to tell you how to run your life or what to do with it. It's none of their business and I would (politely but firmly) remind them of that, perhaps tell them that you will get a driving license as and when you see fit. Each person needs to make the best out of whatever situation or circumstances they have in life, and for some that might mean a job/career, mortgage and 2.4 kids, for others it might mean something else, but whatever that is that you decide to do, or not do, you shouldn't be judged on it.

 

[FreeDiver]

A car is a waste of money if public transit is sufficient to meet your needs. The cost of maintenance and insurance will often cost more than you paid for the car. There are plenty of adults, especially in urban areas, who don't own cars.

If you live in a suburb of rural area, then a car is well justified. But if you live in a dense urban area, like New York city. Then no. I don't see how anyone can stand to drive a car in down town NY. The air and noise pollution. The traffic jams and constant stop and go. Not to mention, gas and insurance cost 3 times more. Plus. Good luck finding a parking space and if you do, it might cost you $10 or more just to park there. If you live in an apartment. you might have to pay an extra $200~$300 a month just to rent a parking space for your car.

I've been to NY several time and I can tell you that public transportation and walking are by far the best mode of transportation for an urban area.

What might be nice as far as cars in an urban area are concerned, is having self-driving electric cars. That way, You never have to worry about finding a parking space, noise and air pollution as well as accidents will be greatly reduced or eliminated. Plus, traffic will flow much more efficiently because each car will be linked to the central traffic management system.

Buying a house often isn't worth it if you're single. There are plenty of adults who rent apartments. I'd guess the majority of single adults rent apartments.

At some point in your life, it does become worth it. I got my first house when I was 34 and I don't regret it. I got a small house of about 1100 sq. ft. and it's works out quite well for me. I'm 49 now and still single.

 

[Fino]

Well I am not sure if "studying", but some people just understand it somehow?
For example my sister. She is not scared to deal with people. She actually rents her house. She understand naturally all the contracts and all these things. She can sorta read law language. She is not introverts, nor afraid of conflicts. She can argue with people and win.

And there are people who for example understand laws regarding to cars. Like "OMG I am fined because of speeding... Just found a ticket. I know my rights... I take my lawyer and let's war begin!" and they know how they should speak with cops, bureucrats, courts and so on. They can actually win and make the penalty invalid.
I would just pay it right away, because any government things... not my cup of tea. I just don't understand these things.
I am good at different things, like coding and such.

The description of yourself describes more people in the world than your description of your odd sister.

 

[Otenba]

People shoving their values and beliefs on to you is the worst, especially when you're old enough to understand what you want. I'd ignore them personally, unless what they were suggesting were things I actually wanted to get or do.

 

[Gracey]

I'm not sure it's about adulting or being childish.
Is never quite that black or white.

It's quite difficult to classify adulting precisely.

Maybe it's about taking more responsibility for yourself.
Being more independent.

Making sure you have your own roof over your head.
Your own means of keeping yourself fed and healthy.
A way to earn an income to fund the above.

Taking on the responsibility of yourself, for yourself.

There's no law that states You MUST have a drivers licence, loans, children and real estate,
you're not breaking any laws by not having any of those things

 

[Rabscuttle]

My mother told the story that one day, surprisingly early on my infancy, I was sitting in my crib watching my mother and babysitter discuss their weekend plans, when I piped up with "why?" asked in such a normal, conversational tone that my mother actually started answering me before the babysitter interrupted her with a shout of "YOU CAN TALK! That's amazing!", to which I responded "why?" in such an everyday way that she began with "you're so young!". A cute first-word story, sure, but I find it kind of funny that after all these years, I still haven't received a good answer.

People expect you to behave a certain way; that your life will follow a specific trajectory. Whether these expectations are biological or cultural (or both), I don't know, but they hold to them VERY strongly, even when they admit they don't make any sense. I'm living independently now (though it took me longer than average), working a job that pays the bills, if not much more. Some of my relatives look down on me for not being more ambitious, but I have all I need (if not all I want), and I see just how miserable a lot of their commitments make them; once, years ago, I heard an uncle boasting about how that weekend, he'd actually been able to sleep in- for the first time in twenty seven years. He probably makes more money in a year than I'll make in a lifetime, but I can actually enjoy the little money I make.

Your life is yours, not theirs.

 

[MischievousMochi]

It seems like when pushing for a car or loan it’s the old NT idea of their version of adult life. I don’t want to say American dream becuae I’m not sure where you live @IntoTheVoid.

My city has a underfunded public transportation system and it takes about two hours to get anywhere, so a car is a necessity if work or the grocery store is far. Or if you want to have a social life.

A loan for a house seems presumptuous. In the fact that you’re tied down to that fixed amount of payment and the interest alone for it can be bad if you haven’t built up enough bad credit.

There’s plenty of adult things I’m still new at. That’s one of the reasons I tried to find social groups with older adults and befriend them. I’m tech savvy so I don’t need help with computers, but it’s nice to have a different friend for cyber security, or a lawyer, real estate agent, entrepreneur successfully living off passive income, police officer, college professor, grade school teacher, etc.
they have their own life experiences and speciality of their own. And I’ve learned not to shy away from asking them all the questions. They’ve helped me understand how to get the best deal on a n apartment.

Different people have different definitions of what a successful adult life is. Some see it as owning real estate and profiting off renters. Since that seems to be where the moneys at.

As long as your living your most authentic life and achieving what you set out to achieve, you’re adulting just fine.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I'm kind of with your family on this one. You're thirty. No offense. I know it's harder for us Autistic folk. I have been unemployed since I was about 23. But other stuff, you have to be mature. Yes, you can scream into your pillow in the privacy of your home, but really, you have to be a grown up.

You don't have to take out loans (I have a bank account but I'm strictly cash only). You don't have to buy a car (I take the bus everywhere and I'm 39). But maturity is about doing what's right, even when it's hard, and making sacrifices for others. Making sure bills are paid and functioning.

If you're not able to do that, that's okay too. I'm on SSI and there's a lot of things I mentally cannot do. like work or manage a lot of stress. Psychologists have told me I'm stuck at about 11 years old mentally, even though I'm a mom, and I keep that a secret.

You have to just get it together the best you can and do what's right for yourself, your family, and society. If you're doing that to the best of your personal ability, then you're mature.

 

[SusanLR]

I just read this article and it reminded me of this thread.
Called Your True Self and False Self, it explains what stresses and bad outcomes can happen
when we try to live our life pleasing others.

Make Peace with Your Unlived Life

 

[Bronzelincolns]

all choices have consequences.

if you know yourself and are willing to accept your lot in life, then you'll be ok.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I think it has more to do with "make yourself look successful by getting a job so I can gloat with others about how successful you are" although people may have some sorta thing goin on where they want you to be normal. I'd have to know these people personally to be able to tell.

No. Parents worry about what will happen to their children when they die.

If you can help your child find employment that means they will have an income and will be able to afford to support themselves when the parents are dead and no one is left to look after the now grown up child.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

No. Parents worry about what will happen to their children when they die.

If you can help your child find employment that means they will have an income and will be able to afford to support themselves when the parents are dead and no one is left to look after the now grown up child.

Well my mum never had this mindset with my sister or I. She was more proud that i am able to look after myself mentally and she helped me find people who could help me deal with depression and anxiety.
Anything i set out to do, i can do in my own time. It's more about independence than it is about getting me doing a job. Not everyone should be expected to do a job nor will everyone have the ability to cope with such a thing, which is where i currently at. There are things i can do like manage my budget of the money i get, plus i can make plans to go out on my own and catch public transport to places on my own if i want to, and I see a support worker twice a week (at least that is what i would be doing if not for lockdown, but we see each other over the interwebs on Steam in the meantime) so there's alot there to appreciate. To be able to manage finances and have a healthy life both physically and mentally, and learn and practice independence, is what got me becoming a successful aspie, even if most people judge success by the jobs you get or money not so much the most important life improvement and skill of all, which is independence and being a calmer, more mindfulness engaged person. What good is a job if you don't have the ability to cope with it. That being said i'm no couch potato either. Prior to lockdown and corona changing everything, I was looking to do art classes. This is something i naturally came to and became confident with deciding on my own, thanks to all the work i did on the things i mentioned i became successful at earlier.

 

[GrownupGirl]

There is no magical age that automatically makes a person ready to do something. At least my parents don't pressure me into doing such things. Buy a house? Who can actually afford a house these days? We're not living in the 1950's anymore. I used to think that was a good thing.