Time to Be Adult

[IntoTheVoid]

I am already 30 and my friends and family sometimes try to remind me that I am already 30 so maybe I should be.... you know... adult.

They talk about all the responsibilities that adult life brings and I kinda hate it.
It's not like I am some sort of big child but I kinda hate certain "adult things"

Examples:
1) "Maybe you should finally get a driver license and buy a car."
2) "You should take a loan and finally buy your own house and have a family. And maybe you should have two and rent the other one to someone."
3) "When do you plan to have your own children."

And many more things.

I hate when people talk about it.

I don't have a car, because I don't think I need it. I always take a bus and everything I need is sorta accessible with public transport. I also don't want to study traffic regulations and all the law things around. I don't want to study about loans - how they work, what should I be careful about, what every single number means and so on. I don't want to study real estates. Not only I don't want it, but I feel like you need some sort of... abilities to be good at these things? Does it make sense? Like being good at dealing with people and the language of law and so on.

I am always really upset when people around start convincing me to have a drive license or take a loan. They always seem to perceive me as a big child that needs to be adult finally. But I don't know... And of couse, I think that maybe I don't get these things because I have an autism, so that's why these adult thingies creep me out?

Anyway how do you deal with the "adult life" ? Is it easy for you to deal with things like drive licenses, loans, renting houses and all these things, or do you find it difficult and totally distant from you as I do? Am I actually a big child, when I don't want to do certain things in my life? Are these things eventually unavoidable as people keep telling me?

 

[Rasputin]

Do you have a job, and if you do what kind of job? This drives every other decision really.

 

[Misery]

For me, it depends.

The car is the one big thing I need. I need freedom to go wherever I want, whenever I want.... even if it's 2 in the morning. Heck, even during this pandemic, I can drive around even if I dont have any destination. Two days ago I got in my van and went exploring around the countryside. Was out for about an hour. Cant do THAT with a bus or a taxi. Not that there even really is any public transportation around here (very rural area).

The other stuff I couldnt care less about, and I'm 38.. I dont need a loan or any of that nonsense, and I sure as bloody hell dont want to "raise a family" or have any shrieking goblin monsters. What? They're called "kids"? Not to me they aint.

Unfortunately, alot of people are like "Well *I* have this thing here, so that clearly means I'm in a position to tell you what YOUR life needs", which is so illogical that it's like a sort of anti-logic. Dont listen to people that do that.

But also I find that neurotypicals in general are like that. They expect everyone to fit into a little box, and get baffled when someone doesnt.

You dont have to fit into a box. Just be yourself, and stop worrying about whether something is childish or "adult".

 

[Giraffes]

I guess you can live your own life, others will always have their views/perspective regarding 'how we should act/be' based on our age, but as a individual we can choose what feels authentic to us, what our goals, believes, wants and needs are.You sound like you know yourself so unless you feel you're missing out i don't see why you need to 'bend' to others ideals.

 

[IntoTheVoid]

Do you have a job, and if you do what kind of job? This drives every other decision really.

I do have a job. I am an office rat

 

[Aspychata]

When l have a major purchase to make , you basically line up as much info as you can. You basically read every paragraph on every page of any contract, if you don't understand, ask for explanation. You also need to make sure the so called experts are honest, (lawyers, mortgage bankers, title company, real estate agents).

I have bussed and l have driven. You are doing a good thing by taking busses and planet earth told me to tell you thank you.

Some people preferred to rent because owning a house is more expensive and the job market is precarious currently. Tell people you are adulting given the current circumstances. Maybe they are jealous you aren't sitting with a load of bills and deep in debt grave.

 

[Rasputin]

I do have a job. I am an office rat

Then you could possibly rent an apartment, either by yourself or with a friend. It sounds like your parents would like to see you move out of their home. Maybe they would be willing to give you some money or help you get a car in return for your moving out?

 

[Aspychata]

Currently, millions of adult children live with their parents because of the economy.

 

[Els]

I have the same type of issues. I'm 27.
I don't believe we need to be adult as an abstract concept - I don't really get what adult means either. It seems ****** and stressful.

1) Starting the process of getting the driving license before actually needing to drive isn't stupid if it's something difficult for you - it's super complicated for me to get it. I want it because I think getting it is like having a security and not having to rely on others. I want it in order to help myself. I'm not sure that the driving license is avoidable indefinitely, but that being said, my brother will never be able to drive, and he can live without driving.

2) I don't know about the loan, I think it's a matter of choice. I also find it very far from me. Can't help...
Maybe you'd feel better with renting.

3) I don't know about having family either, I think it's a matter of choice too. I don't believe people have to do that if they don't want to or if it never comes.
Personally I have no reason to put myself into it, so I decided early to skip that part of adulthood and keep things simple.
I don't think you should do it because other people push you into it, it's not a good reason. I think it's better to see how you feel about it, what you like, also how you feel inside a couple etc, because it might be something you realize that you want to do if you think about it for yourself, outside of the pressure of other people.

 

[menander]

I'm perpetually 12 regardless of how many people tried to beat me into adulthood. Never worked. So now I am a disturbed and traumatized 12 yr old. One day I will be an old 12 year old and then a dead one. The point is, I will forever a 12 year old no matter what and I have to accept that. The trouble is, no one else can.

 

[wight]

I think that being and "adult" fundamentally means being independent. How one achieves that is highly variable. Sure one way is a car and a house. Another way is public transit and an apartment. Typically it means paying your own way by earning some sort of income and taking responsibility for yourself. If your particular combination of living arrangement, income, and transportation works for you, then you are being an "adult".

The other side of this is if you are dependent on someone, like living with your parents, and that situation becomes a problem then part of "being an adult" is solving that problem.

 

[Mush]

Adult, is a state of mind, not a set of accomplishments.

I was married at 23, a dad at 26 and had a mortgage at 27. I’ve been self employed in a business that has only grown over the long term and I’ve managed to purchase 3 brand new cars in the last 17 years.

I will have my home paid for by August this year and have managed to put three children through private school.

That all sounds very adult, but anyone that knows me knows I will sit down and play LEGO with kids whenever the opportunity comes up. I go for bike rides just so I can do jumps off the curb.

I still feel like a 15 year old kid inside who’s got a really cool part time job and has heaps of spare time to muck around and do fun things. And the best thing is, my kids are like captives that have to do fun things with me. It’s awesome!

In all my adult years I’ve met maybe a handful of other adults that actually do fun things, and I’m pretty sure they are on the spectrum somewhere too, because without our shared interests in outdoor activities we have nothing in common or anything else to do or talk about. But that could just be me too. Problem is I can’t tell, even though they say straight to my face they like spending time with me.

Adulting is the dumbest thing society expects of us. Like there’s some sort of virtue in ‘growing up’. I think the greatest virtue is to accept and love others no matter what. Children excel at this much more than adults. Probably why Jesus said to be like little children.

Adults are often prejudiced and hypocritical. Being mature is not being an adult. There are some very mature children I know because they have characters that are benign and contemplative. They see the world through a different lens to that of ‘adults’ and see the true beauty in humanity and it’s need for compassion and care.

*edit*

Disclaimer - My wife is neurotypical and has been the main driving force behind my ‘success’. My job works well for me because I don’t have to really deal with people much. I see 2-3 clients a day for a few minutes at a time.

I have been fortunate that my profession allows me great flexibility time wise. I haven’t worked full time for 20 years, and am able to earn enough money working 3-4 days a week to pay for everything we need.

Without my wife I would probably be living in a van working just enough to feed myself so I can go adventuring out in the wild. Which is funny, because that’s how my wife wants to live once the kids are grown.

 

[GadAbout]

To me, being an adult means having the internal resources to deal with most of what life shoves at you ... whether that's an illness, loss of relationships, downturn in the economy, or even something positive like an inheritance or other windfall.

As we move into adult years, we continue to grow in our internal resources as we meet various challenges.

We never accomplish that growth if we remain in a semi-dependent state, whether living with our parents, or dependent on a spouse.

I don't view being adult as a bad thing.

 

[Fino]

Do you live on your own? If you still live with your parents then it's pretty easy to make a case that you're still a child. I don't think the things you mentioned are unavoidable, and I think if you did do them you wouldn't have to learn as much detail as you think. You think that highly of the general population that they're all studying these things like you described?

 

[Mush]

We never accomplish that growth if we remain in a semi-dependent state, whether living with our parents, or dependent on a spouse.

In many cultures a newly married couple will live with parents. As the married couple breed and get older they take over as custodians of the house, with the grandparents being looked after by their children and grandchildren.

Individualistic and independent living is a fairly new concept in human history.

 

[Matthias]

A car is a waste of money if public transit is sufficient to meet your needs. The cost of maintenance and insurance will often cost more than you paid for the car. There are plenty of adults, especially in urban areas, who don't own cars.

Buying a house often isn't worth it if you're single. There are plenty of adults who rent apartments. I'd guess the majority of single adults rent apartments.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

Not everyone should be expected to go in college or do a job unless you have found something you are genuinely (and this i think the individual should come to on their own and not cos they feel pressured by teachers or mum or others to pursue it). But that's only if you can do it. Honestly you can do with just doin what you feel comfortable with. The fact you can comfortably go on public transport to go do what you need to do, may not seem like much...but it's a really good accomplishment. People pressuring you to 'be an adult' are just talking out their asses. It roughly translates to 'make yourself look successful by getting a job so I can gloat with others about how successful you are'. Pursue things you want to do and only what you want to do and when and if you feel comfortable enough to do it. I think even if you were just on some sort of government pay, being able to manage your finances and save for things and budget well...makes you a pretty big adult in my eyes. And if you do decide to go and pursue something, do it at your own pace and don't listen so much to what others think of how you're doing at that.

 

[Shamar]

I am already 30 and my friends and family sometimes try to remind me that I am already 30 so maybe I should be.... you know... adult.

They talk about all the responsibilities that adult life brings and I kinda hate it.
It's not like I am some sort of big child but I kinda hate certain "adult things"

Examples:
1) "Maybe you should finally get a driver license and buy a car."
2) "You should take a loan and finally buy your own house and have a family. And maybe you should have two and rent the other one to someone."
3) "When do you plan to have your own children."

And many more things.

I hate when people talk about it.

I don't have a car, because I don't think I need it. I always take a bus and everything I need is sorta accessible with public transport. I also don't want to study traffic regulations and all the law things around. I don't want to study about loans - how they work, what should I be careful about, what every single number means and so on. I don't want to study real estates. Not only I don't want it, but I feel like you need some sort of... abilities to be good at these things? Does it make sense? Like being good at dealing with people and the language of law and so on.

I am always really upset when people around start convincing me to have a drive license or take a loan. They always seem to perceive me as a big child that needs to be adult finally. But I don't know... And of couse, I think that maybe I don't get these things because I have an autism, so that's why these adult thingies creep me out?

Anyway how do you deal with the "adult life" ? Is it easy for you to deal with things like drive licenses, loans, renting houses and all these things, or do you find it difficult and totally distant from you as I do? Am I actually a big child, when I don't want to do certain things in my life? Are these things eventually unavoidable as people keep telling me?

What I'm hearing them say is "Be normal like everybody else." Don't fall for it if it isn't you.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

What I'm hearing them say is "Be normal like everybody else." Don't fall for it if it isn't you.

I think it has more to do with "make yourself look successful by getting a job so I can gloat with others about how successful you are" although people may have some sorta thing goin on where they want you to be normal. I'd have to know these people personally to be able to tell.

 

[IntoTheVoid]

Then you could possibly rent an apartment, either by yourself or with a friend. It sounds like your parents would like to see you move out of their home. Maybe they would be willing to give you some money or help you get a car in return for your moving out?

I live with my parents

Well my parents don't want me to move. I mean it looks like the case when parents want me to move, so they don't say it directly, so they say these things around.

My parents kinda need me, because they are totally lost with technology for example. So I handle televisions, routers, computers, all that stuff. My mum needs something from me every minute. I help with many things.

The problem is I have lots of animals.

My mum want me to take a loan and buy house, in case they die (my parents, not the animals) so I have a place to move. The house I live in would be divided among my all siblings. And during the time I could rent the house to some people.
I don't feel like I want to do any of these, but the argument with death is sorta rational and makes sense.