Thoughts on ''you must be happy with yourself first'' in relationships?

[Dobokdude]

Hey everyone. This question is inspired by this Reddit post.https://www.reddit.com/r/ForeverAlon...p_to_be_happy/

I'm not part of that sub or anything, but it did make me curious. I mean, I've had the ''be happy with yourself'' advice from other who are in relationships as well and it can definitely be frustrating. On the other hand, I have seen with my own eyes what happens when people stay in unhappy relationships just for the sake of it(LOTS of dysfunction between my mom and my father, as well as her ex-boyfriend). So I know that you can be in a relationship and be miserable. Even my sister(who's 3 years younger) has had 2-3 boyfriends or sorts, yet two didn't end well, one of them due to my sister getting very codependent(she's had severe mental health issues)

I'm 20 and have never kissed or dated a girl(and on the spectrum, so social skills weren't the best period). That being said, I don't see my situation as hopeless. I'm actually finishing an EMT training program in a bit under a month and will be moving to a different part of my state to live on my own(escaping aforementioned toxic family) and doing regular college as well. I've done some therapy, and have better exercise and self care habits(I style my hair differently more, run, etc) and I am WAY less awkward and socially inept than I was growing up. Even still, it can be frustrating knowing that many former HS classmates already have SOs. A couple are even married/engaged now at just over two years after graduation, which may or may not be a good thing.

Anywho, I have heard the saying ''when you've had a snack, it's easier to wait on dinner'' which seems to sum up what's being expressed in that thread. I do know that we all have our own unique paths in life, but I'm also apprehensive hearing about people who are past 25 and still are single. I have other goals and things I want to do sure, and I do need time when I do get on my own to get settled in and sort things out, but I also find I don't want to be single too much longer (more than 1 1/2) year though I acknowledge that it may not be healthy to think this. For me especially having always lagged behind everyone socially, I guess I feel tired of always playing ''keep-up'' when it comes to the experiences others are having.

Thoughts?

 

[Barymore]

so basically I agree with the statement. My own issues have certainly negatively impacted my relationships and caused some to end. Expecting a partner or partnership to compensate or solve my issues has never worked for me, I have had to do the work myself (sometimes with the help of a good therapist).
That said, if I waited until I was my perfect self would mean I would probably not be in a relationship yet (at over 40j), after all, I believe we grow all through life. Also, some of my most important growth has happened in relationships, partners helping me work through stuff and, if I‘m being honest, calling me out on stuff thus forcing me to decide to work on it. Finally, I have had to learn how relationships work for and with me - that has required some practice and I am grateful to all my past relationships for what they let me learn. (Not quite sure they are all equally grateful *lol*)

 

[Au Naturel]

I would not agree that you have to be "happy" with yourself. It really helps if you do not hate on yourself. That will seep through and poison the relationship.

Instead of "happy," I would say one needs to accept themself. (And loving oneself is greatly overrated.) I've been married for 33 1/3 years. Through much of that time, I was not happy with myself. I'm still not happy with myself. How can you be happy about irritating people with your stimming, alienating people with your social ineptitude, blundering your way through because you didn't see?

But you can accept it. You can neutralize the negative emotions and accept that "it is what it is." There is no need to obsess over perceived flaws. You shrug your shoulders and move on. You may then find some aspects of yourself to be happy over.

I am not now nor will I ever be "happy" with who I am. I can accept who I am without negativity and try to improve where I can and mitigate the external effects where I can't.

 

[Rae Ray]

For me, I am always trying to find the good in things and do what I can to improve myself the best I can.
I feel there is someone for everybody if you take the time to look. It may take time and patience. Don't give up on yourself. For me, I wouldn't be too concerned on how old you are or how long it takes to find that special someone. Thanks Dobokdude for your thoughts.

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships have a interesting rubic cube abstract for me. If you unlock the right cube, you are drawn deeper into the cube, and both parties benefit. But sometimes one or both refuse to solve the puzzle and you just gently back away.

 

[Pyraxis]

I am a big fan of two imperfect people learning together how to be in a healthy relationship. It's unrealistic to expect someone who has never dated before to find the love of their life on the first go. Like any other skill, the only way to get better at it is practice and make mistakes, even if you are not completely healthy and accepting of yourself. Sometimes a partner is who can help you get to that healthier place.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Late in this conversation, but agree with @Au Naturel. At 28 I was still a virgin and social occassions were made worse by being the odd man out. I did not even know the cage I was in or recognize how to ask for help, but I hurt so much that my only option for any happiness was accepting myself and enjoying my interests. Not masking, but then got involved with some small group activities to practice socializing in an environment around my interests . . . a way of expressing my acceptance. Discussing things with my spouse after my diagnosis, she points out that she was attracted to my broad interests in the natural world . . . and hence why she is disappointed when she sees a confident, interesting, person being supplanted by a hurt, angry, young man at times.

 

[paloftoon]

Part of this adage implies that when you are building a relationship to commitment and marriage that you want to be happy with yourself. Once you're married/a more sacred/permanent connection, whether a person is happy or sad with themselves, people aren't going to break up because of that. They are all hopefully going to work with the situations and make it work.

Ideally, even when you aren't in a permanent connection, people should still be trying to make things work well, but well, we're all human and this isn't always the case. The non-permanent stages are all about trying to grow a relationship and when in one, the dynamics to maintain - discipline, resourceful, empathetic, etc. are essentially different when it comes to this adage. I think this adage doesn't apply as much to a more permanent relationship necessarily.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I guess I feel tired of always playing ''keep-up'' when it comes to the experiences others are having.

I decided to reply again about this. Feeling that way has been a trap for me as the loneliness and lack of a relationship for the longest time became traumatic for me. But nowadays people like us are starting off with a better understanding of things. Leverage that and your introspection to approach the delay as a way to gain confidence in your life rather than seeing it as missed experience. Your long-term happiness will be better for it.

Here's hoping that you will find what you desire.

 

[GBWest]

I believe the exact opposite: You can't love yourself until some one else does.

33 and never been on a date. I hate myself.

 

[DavidS]

I was twenty last year, I got involved with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. She loved me because I projected the stereotypical awkward, silent, caring man. She is 25 years my senior and had had some very dark patches in her life. Neither of us expected we’d fall in love, but we did. This Saturday will be the anniversary of my first kiss, the story falls apart after that.

I didn’t know I was autistic, although there were signs we could have pointed to. Eventually my mask broke, in a very hurtful and shocking meltdown. We tried for months to recover and I sought my diagnosis but her ideal of who I was and even who I thought I was is forever changed.

At the moment she’s left me in two months of depression while she chases her legacy, which truthfully is expansive across Texas. If I had known before what I know know about myself things could have been better handled. She still has my apartment key but now is the time to move on. It’s not good to wait for someone who has abandoned you. I’m rekeying my door soon.

 

[Au Naturel]

I believe the exact opposite: You can't love yourself until some one else does.

33 and never been on a date. I hate myself.

It is what it is. Accept the things you cannot change. Change the things you can. Hate serves no useful purpose. EVER.

 

[watersprite]

To me it just means that we’re all ultimately alone on the inside. So the fall-back, retreat, go back to swuare one scenario always is us; our self. Find out how to be at home and comfortable with who yoiuare. ‘Gives you a base of strength, of balance, for everything else - it’ll serve you well when other stuff goes to h*** in a handbasket. And when things turn out great, you have more clarity about why and how you contributed.

 

[GBWest]

It is what it is. Accept the things you cannot change. Change the things you can. Hate serves no useful purpose. EVER.

Nah, it's very useful. It can provide motivation and purpose. But to stick to the point of this thread, I have accepted what I cannot change. All the evidence I've seen states clearly that those who are liked by others end up liking themselves, and then can get into better relationships. People who have real friends possess an easier time liking their own selves, and can acquire friends and more easier. Those with no partner or real friends have extreme difficulty liking their own self and finding friends.

There is no reason to like myself if no one else likes me.